Since 1992, Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has become a multi-generation cultural reference. The book itself, the Sunday School/Bible study fill-in-the-blank curriculums, a staple in pre-marital counseling, etc, etc is well-known to just about everyone.
And yes, it’s good know your love language, as well as that of those you love. (Spoiler: We tend to give gifts the way we want to receive them. What can you say? You can turn down the self-centeredness, but you can’t eliminate it completely).
I’m not dissing any of it, but I think there a love-related concept that trumps all five languages.
And that is this: The greatest act of love, and the greatest gift we give each other is to see and be seen.
Offering words of affirmation, serving someone, giving him/her a tangible gift, enveloping someone in a hug, spending time with them. . .all good stuff, no doubt. And one might argue that these ARE ways of seeing someone.
You’re not wrong.
But more than a trinket, a squeeze, or a basket full of folded laundry, we long to BE SEEN.
What does that mean? It means listen with the two ears and keep the mouth shut. It means nodding that you’re understanding, but not trying to fix anything. It means keep your eyes focused on the person and not glancing at traffic, your phone, or your coffee cup. It means saying, and truly meaning, things like, “That sounds like a lot to deal with” or “Tell me more” or “That tracks (because it fits with the person’s goals and personality)”
Yes, gifts - whether items or time - make us feel seen. But nothing beats having someone show up - good or bad. Nothing beats having a person listen to the whole thing and empathize instead of judge. Nothing beats having someone affirm and validate, which is not to be confused with agree. You can affirm and validate (because whatever it is IS real to the person) without agreeing with the opinion or thought. Most of the time we know the truth; we rarely need help in finding it. But what we do need is someone to talk it through with.
The culture these days often sends the exact opposite message of what we truly need. The culture says filling time is better than spending time. All those activities we have on the calendar squares are necessary. The downside is that it allows no wiggle room to be available - to a friend or family member. The culture encourages us to offer our opinion on everything (yes, I realize that this is ironic, given what I’m doing right now) because it’s our right and duty to do so. All of the posturing for opining fosters a habit of talking vs. listening; offering advice vs. being a sounding board.
Anyway, that’s my two-cents. If kept this particular gift in mind, just feel that we could be stronger as a society, in personal relationships, and in our own skins.
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