The longer I live, the more I am disappointed by people, or more specifically reminded that no one is trustworthy.
This statement is not born of a recent, specific event. No, it’s based in cumulative data that has been recorded and curated in both my heart and mind.
It would be easy to lay all the blame at the feet of the people who have disappointed and betrayed me. After all, these - betrayal and disappointment - are just facts of living life. The longer you live and know people, the more opportunities are afforded to show who they really are. Sadly, those opportunities resulted because they either felt entitled or comfortable enough to grind me like a spent cigarette. But that’s on me. Somewhere along the line, I allowed them, or gave them permission (largely unspoken) to treat me in such a way.
Transitions, or change, is when such things seem to happen. Despite what we like to believe about change, it rarely brings out the best people, with particular regard to interpersonal relationships. I’ve seen it and experienced it firsthand - as a giver and receiver. While it’s much easier to forget the former, it’s the latter that seems to get locked into the small crevices of my life.
That said, it would be very easy for me to become a bitter, old woman, but that is NOT who I wish to be. Thus, every day, I work hard at holding the line and not allowing that disappointment and bitterness to get a foothold and destroy me.
Here is an apt metaphor: My son and his wife live on a lake. They built a small sauna next to the lake and use it frequently. Its juxtaposition to the lake is by design. Following intense heat, they immediately jump in the lake for a cold dip.
While the winter provides the best cold-dip benefits, it requires discipline - not only the jumping-in part. Where I live, the winter temps are typically below freezing (32°F) and frequently “chill” in negative numbers. Thus, when my son cuts a hole in the ice, and when the temps dip below freezing, it’s a full time job to keep the hole open.
When seasons change from fall to winter, the open water of the lake gets a thin layer of ice over the top. As the temps fall, the layer thickens, hardens, and becomes more impenetrable. All that is beneath the ice - a rich aquatic life of fish and plants is increasingly inaccessible and hidden away from all above the surface. With each decreasing temperature, the ice gets harder and thicker, and unless there is intentional aeration (or constant water movement), all that is below the ice will die.
So, once my son cuts a hole in the ice, it is an intentional act, requiring discipline and time to keep it open. The frigid temps will work hard to close it, so keeping it open requires care and attention on his part.
This is what the process of keeping bitterness at bay is like for me. I have to keep skimming the ice around my heart, so that it doesn’t harden and kill off all that is good and alive within.
This, then, is why I do devotions every day. This is why I pray. This is why check in on people, why I do things for people who cannot, or won’t, return the favor. This is why I stop what I’m doing to listen to a kid in my class. When he or she is ready or wants to talk, it’s time to listen. It’s listening for the real story beneath the story. This is when I pay because I know it is a hardship for the other person. This is why I call or text when I really don’t feel like - because I know the person would appreciate knowing that s/he is not forgotten. This is why I show up when I don’t feel like it - because if someone asked (or even if they could not form the words), there was a need that needed to be addressed. This is why I carry the dog up and down the step, because her back end won’t cooperate but she is not ready to be done with life. This is why I will be willing to change my plans - if you ask, I will almost always come. This is why I will bake and cook for others who are ill or who have lost someone, because I know they don’t have the energy and need the nourishment.
It may sound like I’m allowing myself to be a doormat, or it may sound like I am creating an altruistic picture of myself - simply because I want a pat on the back.
No and no.
The fact is this: All these “ice-skimming” actions make ME feel useful and helpful. They gave me a sense of purpose. They make me feel good and warm inside, as there is an inexplicable joy in doing for others. In short, they are just as much for me because they make me feel ALIVE. They make me feel.
Every day that I break the ice and scoop out the slush of hurt, disappointment, disillusionment, or self-loathing is another day in which the life inside - the heart and soul of who I am - is protected from calcifying into something bitter and dead.
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