The intersection of parent and child is a complicated place to live.
For almost all other relationships, choice is involved. For example, you choose your spouse, you choose your employer, but when it comes to family, the tree of you pushes through a soil that has been predetermined. The soil, the type of tree, the location, the “farming” techniques are unique for all involved - sprouts, shoots, and established trees. The roots are deep and spread in several directions. The goal is to bloom where you’re planted.
That said, that forest can be a joyful playground filled with laughter and tradition. At times, it can be a dark and confusing maze, with the uncertainty of what’s next. It can be cold and warm. It can be crowded, with requests of space and room to breathe; and it can fill vast, with wistful wishes that distances would be shorter, and time would be longer.
In fact, it is all of these things at some point, and these things are cyclical. In other words, it’s not a once-and-done. It’s. . .family.
From the human side of it, sometimes, you nail it as a parent or child. And sometimes, you miss the mark. All is a frolic in the forest with the former. It’s the latter that is critical for personal and relational growth/health, on both the child and parent side of the equation.
For some of us, our knee-jerk reaction in such situations is to utilize the “farming” techniques used in the forest in which we grew. In other words, you go with what you know. For some of us, we have sorted those “farming” techniques in to categories ahead of time. The categories are Yes, No, and Yes-buts (modified versions of “yeses”).
For all of us, we do the best we can with what we have and what we know at the time.
READ THAT AGAIN: We do the best we can. . .with what we have. . .and what we know. . .at the time.
I am one who did the best I could with what I had and what I knew at the time - both as a child and as a parent. I have missed the mark and nailed it; I still miss the mark and if not nail it, at least, do what I can to be more of a positive than negative on the score card of both my children’s and parent’s score card. If I could go back, would I have done things differently? Really, is that even a question? Of course I would. Nevertheless, everybody is still alive, everybody is still talking to me, and no one has cut me out of their lives, so I guess that’s a win.
Last night, my daughter and her son were having a dinner-table showdown. My grandson does not like kielbasa (ring bologna), and that’s what was for dinner. My daughter confessed that as a kid, she didn’t like it either, but now she does.
Anyway, my grandson opted out of dinner. His brother got a chocolate for his dessert, because he ate his dinner, but he did not. I will admit, that hurt my grandma heart a little - not because I thought my daughter was doing anything wrong. It’s just that like all grandmas, I hate to see “sad” on any of the g-kid’s faces.
Later, my daughter sent a picture of my grandson at the table with his food. She texted, “Would ya look at that? He’s hungry.”
I texted back, “Poor buddy. Grandma is a softie. Good thing he gets to pick out the stuff he doesn’t like” (There was a small pile of meat to the side).
She returned, “Hilarious cause I remember sitting at the table long after everyone was done because I didn’t finish my peas. I only made him eat two bites and then he could have something else. He has to 1) try it, and 2) if I say two bites, then that’s how much he needs to eat before he can have something as he gets older. Open for negotiation as he gets older.”
Even though it wasn’t intentional, I felt a pinch. Yeah, maybe it was not a great decision as a parent, but I was doing the best I could with what I had or knew at the time. Is it a better method than I used? Probably, and I’m glad that she (and assumably her husband) have thought it through and have a method and why.
I pondered what to text back and finally landed on this: “Round 2 as a grandparent is God’s mercy. He is saying, ‘Your heart was in the right place even if the practice was skewed. Here is another chance, responsibility free.’”
That’s how grace and mercy works. God has endless amounts - it never runs out. It is extended, with compassion, again and again.
That is something to ponder when it comes family forest. Conflicts will arise; it’s inevitable because we are flawed humans. Each of us has a choice to make about the forest in which we have grown - to stay or to uproot.
Staying means extending grace. Time and maturity allows one to understand both one’s parents and one’s own parenting. The vast majority of parents seek to do no harm. As I said, most are doing the best they can with what they have at the time. Likewise, all kids make stupid choices - choices that can (and do) affect themselves as well as their parents. After it’s all said and done, both parents and children have to decide whether or not to extend grace, which means deciding if preserving relationship is more important than focusing on hurt feelings.
The other option is that of cutting all ties. Perhaps the environment is too toxic. Perhaps the abuse or damage has been too vast, inhibiting one’s ability to move forward and live life. Perhaps the abuse or damage perpetuates; it continues. I’d be loath to say that cutting ties should never be done. Each person has to make that decision for themselves.
Yeah, that forest is a complicated place. Perhaps it would have been better to use the metaphor of a jungle - all tangles, heat and density. I don’t know. Either way, we have to decide to do the best we can with what we have and what we know. Bloom where you’re planted, and you get to decide how that happens.
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