Life’s been a shit show lately. I’d like to say it’s a one-off, but it’s not. This shit show recurs every year at this time, and it seems to be increasing in intensity. It’s even started to spill over into the rest of the year. Enough. Here is my manfesto:
My focus is, should, and will be God. Period. Today I read in Matthew 22: 37-38 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your name as yourself. On this hangs all the Law and Prophets.”
The long and short of it is if I follow these two commands, then all the rest of the laws, commandments, and guidelines become unnecessary. This verse also puts to bed the debate: The heart, not the mind, is the primary motivator/source for all thoughts and action.
The kids do not need me in order to live their lives. I do not need them to live by life. These are nice-to-haves, not need-to-haves. We can agree to want to be in a relationship with each. Or not. Participation is optional, not mandatory. No one needs to be mad about this. It’s very simple. You either want to, or you don’t. Don’t make the rest of miserable because you can’t decide.
Stay out of their lives. Curate your own.
I am not responsible to be their entertainment. I am not required to have family get-togethers. I am not required to feed them or create excuses for us to get together. See #2.
I am not responsible to fix their problems. They are not kids. They are our kids, but they are not kids. They are grown and can, and have to, figure it out on their own.
I do not need their permission or approval for anything related to my life.
I certainly do not need to carry their emotional baggage. I have plenty of my own, thank you very much. I/we did the best we could at and during the raising-kids years. It’s all a matter of perspective. They see and remember what they want to see and remember. That does NOT mean it’s the truth; it’s just their truth. Fault me and blame me if you want to, but all you are doing is delaying your own healing.
Apologize for wrongdoing. But I will not carry the residual guilt once I have apologized. Changed behavior is not the focus, not beating myself up.
Do not get sucked into situations, particularly those among them, that do you not involve you. See #5.
Listen: I owe you nothing. Not a cent. Not a minute. Not another night’s sleep. Not a negative emotion. See #7.
Treat them as you would anyone else. They are adults in and of the world, just like everyone else.
Do not cancel your plans just because they need something. They never do it for you. See #10.
Treat them as you want to be treated. And if you don’t like something, say it. They aren’t going to know unless you tell them. They aren’t going to know what is a dealbreaker in your life if you don’t convey it.
Do not accept disrespect. If it feels disrespectful to you, then it is. See #13.
You have maybe around 30 years of your life left. The first 18 were under the control of your parents. From the age of 23 to the present, one kid, or the other, or both have been the focus on most of your life decisions. Do not let them monopolize one second more. Live your life. Live YOUR life. You know they aren’t letting anything get in the way of them living theirs; get busy living.
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