“Forgiveness means that I am forgiven into a recreated relationship, into identification with God in Christ” (Oswald Chambers).
Oswald Chambers was talking specifically about the relationship between God and man. I think this can apply to human relationships as well.
In one ascribes to this idea, forgiveness can happen multiple times a day, meaning forgiveness in relationships between people can and are recreated just as often. In the very least, when forgiveness occurs, the relationship is not the same as it was. True forgiveness, in which both parties willingly agree to the act of forgiveness, results in recreation that should be positive.
To forgive is an ultimate, optimistic decision. It means a deliberate intention to believe in the idea that things will be better, and unlike anything that has come before. Forgiveness is a purposeful act of closing the door on what was.
As such, forgiveness is a conscious relinquishment of control. Any residual resentment, bitterness, and anger illustrate an unwillingness to let go. It is holding on to the hurt, and a reminder to self to not trust anyone. It is a belief that nothing about the relationship or situation has changed, so forgiveness is, therefore, a moot point. Don’t bother with saying one is forgiven in that situation, but s/he is not.
When true forgiveness occurs, it means the re-creation of both parties involved, as well as the relationship between the two of them. God is unchangeable, but the rest of us are. No one remains the same when true forgiveness occurs. Old patterns and habits have been replaced.
Therefore, to forgive means to also prepare one’s heart and mind for something - someone - new and different. One must trust that the vestiges of the old person are gone, and vice versa. It takes time and grace to cultivate this new re-created person and relationship. If there is any trace of the old, then forgiveness has not occurred.
Relinquishing control and trusting require vulnerability. People of integrity are always willing to do so until they are not. After too many instances of betrayal, even people of integrity get gun-shy and increasingly suspicious. Forgiveness is a an optimistic head-nod to try again.
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