How to Make Friends

My daughter called late last night.  She was on the way home from a friend's and wanted to de-compress, I guess.  As we tripped along various topics, we landed on the subject of friendships. 

Her greatest desire these days is to have one true friend - the kind of person you can share all your deepest, darkest secrets with and someone who will not judge.  Essentially, she is describing a spouse, but she doesn't know that.  Since I have been married for 30+ years, I see very clearly that this is the relationship she yearns for, but she hasn't met "the one" who will be that person for her.  

I tried to tell her that friendship (apart from marriage) is best when it isn't exclusive.  You need to spread your friendship eggs around and put them into a variety of baskets.  It's safer that way.  I also explained to her that different friendships serve different purposes.  For example, there are work friends, church friends, hobby friends, etc.  Each type of friend is useful and necessary for different reasons.  To explain, work friends will understand your complaints and inside jokes about work, whereas your family and other friends just won't get it.  As a result, most friendships are fluid.  They last for a while, and then, they are done.

She, of course, didn't like hearing that.  She is looking for ultimate loyalty and longevity, neither of which are possible in consideration the nature of humanity. People are selfish.  When the going gets rough, it is rare for a friend to hang in there until the bitter end.  Your spouse - your ultimate friend (if you have chosen wisely) is the only who will be there through the final round, and s/he will be the one to hand you the towel, rub your back, and bind your wounds or celebrate your win - whichever the situation requires.  S/he is the only who care more about you than the circumstance, and is someone who truly loves you care more about you than themselves.  

Like I said, most friends won't make it that far.  And unfortunately, for my daughter, these are the kinds of selfish garbage friends she has had in her life thus far. 

Anyway, that's not the point of what I'm writing about anyway.

As I was talking to her, I started thinking about friendship, trying to think of advice to give her about making friends since this is so important to her.  As we age, I think it gets tougher and tougher to make friends, mostly because we get set in our ways about the company we keep.  Either we want no company and prefer to be on our own, or we settle into the relationships we have because they are comfortable and require no fuss (kind of like a well-worn shoe). 

Even so, in my musings, I came to this conclusion.  If you want to make a friend, you have to pay attention to what they want and give it to them. Remember: people are selfish. 

So what do I mean by that? 

Most people will show you what they want in a friendship.  It is up to you to be observant and fill the need. For example, the way in which they show love to others is almost always the way in which they want to be shown love. 

For example, I have a friend who likes to give small gifts but write long messages in cards to go with the gift.  The card will be filled with descriptive compliments, celebrating the recipients qualities.  While I appreciate these gifts and cards, I have picked up on an important cue from that friend.  Words are extremely important to her.  Since she puts careful thought, time, and attention to what she says to friends, she longs for the same thing to return to her.  She wants to hear how she is special, unique, and beneficial to the world.  It's up to me to pick up on that cue and return it.  That is how friendship is established.  

I have another friend who gives the most thoughtful gifts.  They are specifically chosen for the recipient; the gift will only make sense and be meaningful to the recipient.  This, too, has taught me how to be a friend to her.  She appreciates thoughtful gifts in which I have remembered a small, but significant detail - that I have retained and remembered our conversations and that which is most important to her.

Now, of course, these all reflect our love languages: Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have friends in all these categories, but the categories themselves don't matter.  What matters is that I have paid attention; they have shown me what they want and need from relationship.  I have provided that. As a result, we have developed a friendship.  

And that's what I need my daughter to know.  To gain friends, you just need to pay attention and give people what they need.  If they are potential friendship material, they will reciprocate.  If they don't, walk away.  These people are takers. All they do is sop up all your energy, violate boundaries, and leave you depleted.  

It may sound a little harsh, but it's true.  The unfortunate part is that most 20-somethings are quite self-involved. We all were at some people, and most of us grow out of it.  To be a 20-something means having to deal with and sift through a lot of selfishness.  It can be exhausting, but honestly, that's why we were all put on this earth.  First, to glorify God, and second, to love each other.  That means we can't give up the quest to build relationships.  

So to summarize, how do you gain a friend? Observe. First question: Is this person someone I want to know better? Second question: How do they love and love on others?  When you know the answer, send it back to them and watch the friendship grow. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 3

  "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

Tonight the "good thing" that comes to mind is freedom.

One of the ways in which Satan keeps us, keeps me from moving forward is bondage.  I find myself bound by my past mistakes.  I am bound by the replay of the garbage I tell myself.  I am bound by fear, most of it imaginary.  

I'm generally not very nice to myself.  The way in which I talk to myself and treat myself is a far cry from the way I would treate or talk to others.  I have terrible guilt and shame complexes.  For most of my life, I feel as though I have been living according to a Catholic ideal - doing good deeds to try to make up for the bad that I've done.  God never said I had to do that; I impose that idea and practice upon myself.  

As a result, I live a very unfulfilling life.  Yes, I am dutiful, and yes, I am supportive and encouraging of others, but I am not very fulfilled at all.  Yes, it makes me feel good to do for others, but no, I am not accomplishing anything that I personally want to accomplish.  In theory that sounds ok - living an others-oriented life, but because it feels as though there is a hole, it is not ok. 

Actively sharing my faith - loving others AND rolling guilt, shame, worry, fear, anger, etc, off my shoulders onto God's helps me to understand every good thing that God wants for me.  He does not want me to walk around feeling guilty and ashamed.  He wants me to live a joy-filled life of love.  He wants me to use everything I have and am to glorify Him.  That's why I was created.  

So how does the sharing of my faith lead me to freedom? For one, it shifts the focus from myself to someone else.  It shifts my focus to God and what He has done for me/us, and it shifts my focus onto the person in front of me.  It's not about me.  I'm not thinking about, worrying about, or stressing over myself, which seems to be the center of trouble when it comes to depression.  

I just really love the latter half of that verse: , , , "you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."  Oh, how I would love to really understand every good thing.  It seems like most mornings, I sit on the floor and whine to God about all that is on my mind and all that is making me upset.  Wouldn't it be lovely to spend my minutes in prayer celebrating every good thing. Of course, that line of thinking is up to me.  I choose what I want to focus on.  I choose whether or not to fret or send those worries on down the road.  The choice is up to me.  It's time to not only actively LIVE my faith but share it as well.  

If two of us are committed to sharing our faith, we encourage one another.  We leave no room for Satan to enter in and bind us.  And the more we share, the larger the circle gets until Satan can't penetrate the circle. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 2

 "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I missed yesterday due to my job, which has been the story of my life for the last 28 years.  Personal goals and lives seem to always be expected to be sacrificed at the altar of teaching, which is not ok at all.

Anyway, I think I will consider the first part of that verse today - "active in sharing your faith." What does it mean to be active?  I think the first idea that comes to a lot of people's minds is sharing what you believe - like physically telling people.  I also think that is probably about the least effective way of going about business.  If you're a check-the-box kind of person, verbally sharing is a fast and "easy" way to actively share your faith, but it's also a big turn-off to most of the people on the planet.

As a human race, we spend all our days, hearing (not necessarily listening) people tell us things. The funny-no-so-funny aspect about that is that most humans know that this is the least satisfactory method, earning the worst track record for learning longetivity.  People have short attention spans and truly "hear" only a small portion of the message.  That said, if one is relying on a verbal presentation to check the box, s/he is getting the task done, but not being very effective.  Plus, in addition to failing in delivering the message to the listener, what is the actual benefit to the speaker?  I'm sure s/he gains confidence in relaying his/her message; i.e, the more you do it, the more comfortable you are in doing it. But other than that, what?  It's not going to be like s/he is gaining any friends in that method? 

As I think about being "active in sharing your faith," I think about action.  That's where the word, "active," comes from.  People really don't care that much about words; they care more about action and integrity.  Who is the person behind the words?  I am more apt to listen to someone if I actually respect him/her.  That means I will be watching and gauging his/her words and behavior first before I listen to a message. 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act under pressure.  Do you explode in anger?  Do you let the cuss words fly?  Do you chew out and/or blame others? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act when you presume no one is watching.  Are you kind to all - the person who opens doors at a hotel? The customer service person who does returns at Walmart? The customer service rep on the phone who doesn't make the policies but who has to take the abuse of angry customers? The person in front of you? 

Actively sharing your faith is the little kindnesses you do that are so small that they go unnoticed but are definitely a huge part in a day's functioning.  For example, do you load the copier when the paper is low?  Do you unjam the machine, even if it isn't your fault? Do you do a little prep work for the colleague who is running behind? Do you say thank-you for every kindness, no matter how large or small? Do you recognize others before yourself? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you talk about others when you're not in church or around church people.  Do you participate in gossip? Do you listen to the gossip, which is an implicit act of acceptance, or do you walk away?  Do you use derogatory language, racial slurs or make racist or sexist remarks? Are you hyper-critical of others, especially and often conveniently "forgetting" your own short-comings? Are you more self-less or selish?

You might think I'm being all uppity in asking these questions, but what you don't know if that I'm asking them more of myself than anyone else. I'm doing a dipstick check of myself to see if I'm being a total dipstick.  Am I actually, actively sharing my faith? 

I think there is a reason why that part comes first in the verse.  We are meant to really consider our present reality because IT affects that back half of the verse.  If we are consistent in being mindful and authentic in actively sharing our faith, it WILL give us a practical, whole understanding of every good thing that WE have (have been given/shown) in Christ.  It also leads us to the good life that Christ wants for us.  

That's enough for today.  I have to do to a staff meeting.  We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Philemon 1:6: Part 1

 The verse that chose me this week is Philemon 1:6.  Is it really even 1? There are no other chapters? Anyway, I am committed to writing about this verse all week.

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I wonder what that last half all encompasses - an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ? One good thing that comes to mind is peace.  I really need that right now.  I feel very unsettled, especially tonight.  

I have had a terrible day, mostly because I have been a terrible person all day.  It started this morning even before I left for work.  My daughter is always on my mind, and since Saturday night, she has been seriously ghosting.  She said she would call on Sunday, and she ghosted me all day and was even belligerent.  Naturally, I woke up last night, all in a dither - like heart palpitations and the whole enchilada.  I have started this new thing now - where my muscles seize, like tighten up - from my legs to my chest.  It feels like the edge of a panic attack.  Anyway, it's happened twice and always in the middle of the night.  It's not just Erika; it's any particular thing that has been nagging me.  So yes, the first good thing I crave is peace.

What would it be like to have true peace?  To be relaxed and unfazed by the swirling chaos.  Most of the time, I'm ok during the day, but even today, that was not true.  This morning, I felt it creeping in as soon as the two-page checklist went up on the screen, which was immediately followed by the out-of-control-sized Padlet.  It was too much.  I started crying, so it was a good thing I was in my room by myself.  I was kind of stupid and confessed my upset to Candace.  I'm sure that worried her and Nick (from whom I got a pretty nice text this afternoon). 

I think I have become so busy at praying for and worrying about everyone else's peace that my own has suffered.  The world is an absolutely icky place right now: Covid, restrictions, distance/synchronous learning, mental illness everywhere, plus just the regular, on-going worries.  

How does actively sharing my faith tie to experiencing peace? If you confess it to others enough, it actually becomes true for you - like, say something over and over enough, and eventually, it transfers to action? Maybe by saying it over and over again, you have the repeated reminder.  That's true for me. I read my devotions in the morning, and it is a powerful experience at the time, but throughout the course of the day, I get further and further away from that truth.  That's part of the reason why I am challenging myself to memorize Scripture this year.  Look at what happened today, as an example. I read my devotions.  Oswald Chambers, in particular, left an impression (even though I can't tell you what he said right now - I just remember the emotion attached to it), but as the day went on, I acted more and more like a total jackass, an absolute abomination to everything that I believe.  So shameful.  

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." Philemon 1:6

I have no answer tonight.  I will write again tomorrow. 

Cherry-Picking is Wrong

 “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.” Titus 3:1

During devotions, this was the verse I read this morning.

In my lifetime, I can count on one hand the number of leaders under whom I have been led and for whom I have had deep respect and admiration. Although I haven’t always agreed with their decisions, values, and direction, I have tried to be respectful and compliant to those in authority over me. Tried. Have I always been successful? No, not by a long shot. Although my hot temper has cooled considerably over the years, I’m still working on my over-active, often-critical, and ever-sarcastic mouth. When I have been out of line, I have apologized.

My point is this: People like to cherry-pick Bible verses and grab only the ones, or pieces of ones, that align with their current worldview. In the verse above, most people would probably be fine where it starts with “to be ready to do what is good” on down and skip the first part.

There is another verse that says, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. “ 2 Timothy 3:16 NLT. That’s means all of it, even and maybe especially the parts that make us a little chafy.

Until a leader asks me to do something that is in opposition to my faith and Scripture, I will press on and continue to strive to be respectful and compliant because that is what God has said He wants of me.

Out of the Ashes Springs New Life

Amidst my nerdery this morning (I was watching a documentary while walking on the treadmill), commentary from the narrator caught my ear and resonated. He said:

"In order to thrive, forests, large and small, depend on fire. Many conifers seal their cones with resin, which must burn away before the seeds can germinate. Out of the ashes springs new life. Trees are born in fire."

To quote someone else I know, "what's true in the physical is true in the spiritual."

In order to become whom we need to be, we all need to endure a fire. Most of us pass through many firestorms, and no one gets a free pass. It's true that the fires we experience are often unexpected, destructive and devastating right away. But from the ashes springs new life. Change is a part of life - some changes we get to control, and others we don't. But our attitude about the whole business is entirely within our control.

Becoming a Safe Place to Land

I just finished the book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel VanDerKolk.  It was recommended to me, and I was hooked from the moment I read the first page. 

Written from his well-researched viewpoint, VanDerKolk gives an in-depth analysis of trauma and how it impacts the full package - the physical body as well as the mind. There is just too much for me to discuss, and truly, I need to just buy my own copy and re-read it (I borrowed it from the public library). 

There were many times that I just sat and cried.  My tears were mostly for my daughter; trauma has hijacked her brain and body, and even now as I type it, my heart is cracking in two at the thought of all the relentless, repeating pain for that kid.  

It's such a damn rip-off.  One traumatic incident or event is all it takes to throw someone's life trajectory in a completely different, destructive, and certainly limiting direction.  And that's just one traumatic incident.  The staggering significance of multiple, compound, and even regular trauma is incredibly sobering and so very sad.  

Fortunately, there are many talented, thoughtful, and perceptive practioners like VanDerKolk, but what about the newbs or the straight-up crapheads (like Dr. Norman, the bozo that I had to deal with almost 30 years ago).  These people can do even more damage.  Ugh. The responsibility that accompanies the title of therapist is clear.  These people need to be moral, compassionate human beings - of the utmost integrity. Like I said, too much thinking.  

But as I wander the maze of trauma and its effects, I just found myself, face-first, in a wall.  The thought that stopped me cold in my tracks is that the worst reality in the world would be to learn that I have been the source of trauma for someone, most specifically, someone's first disappointment or experience with trauma.  Being the one who destroyed someone's child-like innocence.  Being the one who derailed someone else's train - for life.  

The thought of it causes a pain in my heart.  Literally.  

I know what that was like for me.  Although I don't remember the first time, I do remember traumatic incidents from my childhood.  Every time it happened, a wall around my heart was erected and/or fortified, and there were just certain people who were no longer allowed to cross over that wall. Even today, there is a barrier, one that I am unwilling to tear down.  

The first time it happens, it's a bewildering feeling in which you learn that the person you trusted is no longer trustworthy.  That person is not the picture you had created in your head and heart.  As adults, betrayal, disappointment. . .well, this is life.  It happens all the time.  And as you age, you get savvier (at least, most of us do) about people  - about the concept of keeping someone at arm's length to protect yourself. 

But as a child. . .you just naturally trust everybody.  You think of the world as a place filled with all good guys (and girls) in white Stetsons.  You don't worry because you know that all adults will catch you when you fall, protect you from harm, and love you.  And then.  It happens.  Trauma.  And suddenly a part of the child's skull is cracked or crushed in.  The damage is done.  Nothing can be done.  The scar, the distortion, the damage is there for life.  

God, I hope and pray that I have never been responsible for doing that to any child or adult.  Even now, I am crying as I write this.  The thought that I have caused anyone such irreparable pain is more than I can bear.  Lord, I hope I will not be standing before God someday, having to answer for things so horrific. 

And yet, I'm sure I have left my mark - and not a good one - on people throughout my lifetime.  Elementary, junior high, and high school friends and acquaintenances, customer service reps on the phone,  colleagues, and worst of all, my students, my husband, or my own kids.  It makes me sick to think of it, especially now that I have read this book and know/understand the lasting legacy of such damage as well as the years of therapy and brain re-training that is nececessary to improve the quality of life.  

I can't do anything about the past, but I sure as hell can use what I know for the future.  I know that I have made significant gains in the humanity department over the past five years for sure.  These are all gains I NEEDED.  God has allowed me to experience some really painful circumstances for a reason.  As a result, my empathy muscles have grown, and my ears work harder and longer than my mouth.  Lord, let my words and actions be a part of the healing process so that I can be someone's safe place to land after the plane of their lives has been attacked by enemy fire. 

Trust. Jump. Live. Quit

It's interesting that you can read something ten times but not have a strong reaction until the eleventh time.  Today was one of those days.  

Ok, to be fair, I had only read it once, but still.  Today, I felt as thought I had been slapped upside the head.

Here are the paragraphs:

"We all have capabilities.  For example, I'm a lawyer by training and have loads of states I can practice law in.  But just because I"m able to be a lawyer doesn't mean that I'm made to be a lawyer.  We don't need to do what we're merely capable of doing.  The trick is to figure out what we were made to do and then make some chnages to keep current with whom we've become.  We're all constantly changing.  We're new creations.  It's supposed to be this way.  Don't resist the change.  Go with it.  Don't be limited by what you excel at. Ask God to show you what the newest version of you was made to do.

Kids who are pressure too much to fit into a box that doesn't fit who they are turning into will let you know about it.  Many adults don't, though.  We tolerate jobs no longer meant for us.  The truth is, too many of us are a job of two behind what we've turned into.  You may have picked your career path because it's something you were competent at in college, but it's not you anymore" (Goff).

That blue part?  I think I can still see the handprint inside my head.  

In Spring 1990, I was about a month away from getting married.  I was also at the end of what collegians have dubbed "generals."  At the end of that quarter (we were still on the quarter system), I had to declare a major, or I would start paying for classes and credits that could potentially be "extra," as in extra expense because they could potentially not count toward a major. . .that is, whenever I decided on what that was.  

In short, I had to choose a major.  And I had to choose NOW. 

At that time, I considered what I was good at and interested in.  After some mulling, I narrowed it down to reading, writing, and speaking (as in, public speaking).  An English major?  Yeah, but as a soon-to-be newlywed about to embark on a new, and definitely poor, life, I reminded myself that we had to pay the bills too.  So, I modifed the English major to English Education.  

As I like to tell my students, and anybody else who wants to listen, I became a teacher by default.  

When I listen to my colleagues, most of them regale me with stories from their youth - lining up their dolls and/or siblings and "playing school."  They were always the teachers, of course.  Long story short, most of them knew that they wanted to be a teacher from a very young age.  

I did not.  I never played school. I played "store manager" or "business owner" or "Charlie's Angels."  Ok, that last one wasn't necessarily career-related, but still.  Being a teacher was never on my radar.  

And yet, I became one.  A pretty darn good one, I believe - the result of hard work, and many many long hours in the evenings and on weekends and over summers to become better at it, realistically striving to be the best version I could be.  My only competition was myself.  Perfection was the desired outcome, and as we know, perfection is unattainable, and worse, teaching is fickle, and often brutal.  And yet for 28 years, this has been my life.  

If I am honest with myself, I think that every year since I transferred to Willmar, I have questioned whether or not I should stay in this occupation.  Like I said, this job is brutal.  The public, mostly parents and fellow colleagues, are very judgmental and critical. Likewise, if kids don't like something, whether it's you, an assignment, or the way you do things, they are very blunt in telling you.  Additionally, there is no recognition for a job well done. Ironically, when a teacher goes the extra mile, s/he quickly learns that the extra effort is now and expectation, and so it goes.

And yet, it would be unfair to say that I have hated this job.  I haven't.  In the beginning, I loved everything about it. A common denominator over the past 28 years is that the kids are the saving grace of this job.  I have stayed this long only because of the kids.  I have had the privilege to meet, help and encourage some amazing people along the way. If I have been able to leave a positive lasting impression on them, I am humbled and grateful. For whatever the reason, the kids who are the most downtrodden, struggling and defeated are the most special to me.  If it wasn't for the kids, I would have throw in the towel long ago.  

Even though teaching has been extraordinarily difficult this year due to Covid, distance-learning, etc, I have felt a shift.  A noticeable shift.  Over the last five years, I have slowly shifted off-center, and now, it's undeniable.  I am seriously, seriously considering leaving the profession of teaching.

And then, I read  those two paragraphs this morning.

If many people are a job or two behind who they've turned into, then I am behind by at least ten.  The person I was at 22 is virtually unrecognizable to the 50 year old I now am.  The growth, the life experiences, the values, the priorities, the confidence level. . .EVERYTHING is different. Completely different.  

As Bob says, "You may have picked your career path because it's something you were competent at in college (or in my case, were desperate enough to grab in college), but it's not you anymore.  

It's true.  Teaching is not me anymore.  It's time for me to take what I've learned and grown and move on to a new place.  What is that place?

It could be in the mental health field.  The experiences I have endured over the last five have taught me a lot about mental health and how to live and walk alongside someone who is struggling mentally.  Covid has made people distraught - desperately distraught.  As a result, I predict that this is a field which will explode.  I have the wisdom and experience (both as a mom and a teacher) to continue serving (which is important to me). Rather than focus on a large group (classes full of students), I could now focus on one-on-one relationships. I love problem-solving, and this is a field in which I would be able to problem-solve to my heart's delight. 

One thing I have learned about myself and actually recognized through a podcast today (another slap upside the head) is that creativity is absolutely essential to me. If I trace the extra-curricular pursuits of my life (also called hobbies to some), they have always been creative. I have flitted (and still flit) from one creative project to another.  I am only happy when my hands and mind are busy and challenged.  If I don't know something, I find out.  I challenge myself to learn something new, to try.  I am unafraid of unknown tasks.  Thus, creativity will be a consideration for whatever I do next.  

All I know is that teaching is not it anymore.  It's just not.  But there is an opinion I value more than my own feelings, and it is God's.  I'm not making a move unless He directs it.  

And it seems as though He has:

My verse this week (I am memorizing Scripture this year) is 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

On Monday, my virtue card was Faith. It says "Faith is the wind in the sails of our dreams.  It gives us the strength to go on, not succumbing to doubt, fear, or hopelessness.  As we move forward, we are guided to the right path without having to make it happen." 

Monday's devotion in Streams in the Desert said: "The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts.  But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained.  And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wriging countless hearts of tears and blood.  Consequently, your own life becomes the hospital ward where you are taught the divine art of comfort.  You will be wounded so that in the binding up of your wounds by the Great Physician, you may learn how to render first aid to the wounded everywhere. . .Over the next ten years, you will find many others afflicted in the same way.  You will tell them how you suffered and were comforted." 

Another devotional on Monday said, "Be present in the moment. . .Don't worry about what may end or may not happen; stick by Jesus and trust He will work it all out in the end. . .No one is remembered for what they just planned to do. . .Sacrifice and commitment always travel with love and action." 

I don't know about you, but it kind of sounds to me as though God is leveling with me in a pretty straight forward way.  

I ask myself, If money wasn't an issue, would I stay or go?  The answer is swift and sure.  I would walk away in a heartbeat. 

I would walk away in a heartbeat.

So, basically, I am telling God, "Look, it sounds good, but I just don't think you will cover all my bases.  I feel like you will leave me hanging, so I need to stay so we have enough money to live." 

My faith is important to me.  I write about it, I talk about it, I think about it, and I try to live my life as a reflection of it.

But just not this one thing.  Money.  

Such arrogance.  I apparently think that I can run my life better than God, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega of all existence, the Omniscient, Omnipresent One, the All-Powerful Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.

I can't believe I even wrote that paragraph.  What a fraud.  Yes, Missy B.  I am calling you out.  You big hypocrite.  Put your faith in action.  Trust and OBEY, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.  But to trust and obey.  

While I am so busy trying to control everything again (the foundation of ALL my problems), I'm losing sight of the fact that if this is truly ordained, whatever is on the other side is so much BETTER than anything I could ever imagine.  God only wants good for me.  He sets up the circumstances by which I find my JOY in living in Him.  What am I potentially missing out on by clinging to the safe but substandard, the familiar but frustrating, the life-sustaining but life-draining? 

All this reminds me of the time I was in 6th or 7th grade.  My mom had made my brother and me take swimming lessons since we were little (due to the fact that she and Dad couldn't swim, and they were both terrified of the water). I had passed through the ranks and was now taking Junior Lifesaving.

In order to get the coveted "Pass," which would earn us a post-swimming lesson ice cream cone, I had to jump off the high dive, something I was terrified to do.  The low dive? No problem.  The high dive? No. I had done it once before, and I had been terrified of the feeling of nothing under my feet.  A step off the board is a 12 foot free fall. Logically, I knew that it was no big deal.  Unfortunately, the pulsing, deafening whoosh of my heartbeats was blocking the message from my brain to my extremities.  I remember standing on the board for an uncomfortably long period of time.  The longer I stood there, the more terrified I became.  Finally, my swimming instructor (my pre-teen crush) started climbing the ladder, threatening to push me off the board.  And so I jumped.  And I lived. 

Make your faith bigger than your fears.  There is no one threatening to push me off the board.  I have to decide for myself if I am ready to jump.

Trust. Jump. Live. Quit.