Goals for 2013

Goals for 2013

Body and wellness (healing, fitness, food, rest, relaxation, and mental health):

I will lose 30 pounds.
I will run again. I want to complete at least two road races, and I would like to train for a half-marathon.
I will reserve 30 minutes each day for myself.
When I feel depressed or full of self, I will pray.
I will not drink pop.

Creativity and learning (artistic expression, interests, education, hobbies)

I will sew. I will continue to learn the basics of quilting.
I will read at least two books per month.
I will write 1,000 words per week.
I will continue to prepare myself for a career in writing (#3)
I will take a free, on-line class.

Essence and spirituality (soul, inner self, truth, faith, practices)

I will read and do devotions each day.
I will mediate on Scripture. I will read Proverbs.
I will continue to fine-tune my ear to God's voice. Less talking, more listening.
I will write about Scripture, meditation, and God's voice.
I will pray for five things or people each day.

Livelihood and lifestyle (career, money, work, home, space, possessions, fashion, travel)

I will save 10% from each check. I will teach my kids to do the same.
I will cut down the dead trees and plant new ones.
I will take a real vacation this summer.
I will turn my passions into a career.
I will use my gifts for God's glory and purposes.

Relationships and society (romance, friendship, family, collaboration, community, causes)

I will call my mom once per week.
I will do one random act of kindness per week.
I will volunteer at something once per week. I will get involved with church again in some way.
I will send birthday cards to church family members.
I will listen more and talk less. I will purposefully work to stop making assumptions.

Claudia and Gabs 3

"Claudia, can I talk to you a minute?" Lori, Claudia's mom, asked. Oh boy, thought Claudia, here we go.

Claudia tucked an errant hair behind her ear and crossed the room, "Yeah, Mom?"

Lori's face remained expressionless. "Honey?" she began, ". . .why didn't you tell me you were interested in someone?!" Lori's face broke open in to a big smile, and she pulled Claudia into a crushing hug. "I am so excited for you! Is he a nice guy?"

Claudia didn't have the heart to tell her mom that she and Jake weren't dating.  Even though Lori had never actually said anything to her, Claudia knew that her mom had been concerned about her love life, or lack thereof.  Throughout the years, Claudia had heard her mom's stories about the various dates she had had in high school. Besides, now wasn't the time to get into a lengthy explanation about Jake, so Claudia just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

"I need to meet him," whispered Lori as she released Claudia and ventured into the family room.

After the initial introductions, Lori filled the empty seat by Gabby.  It was clear that she intended to stay a while. Gabs made eye contact with Claudia across the room. Her expression seemed to say, Get rid of her; we're trying to watch a movie here. Claudia just ignored her and turned her eyes back to the screen. Once her mom made up her mind about something, she was going to see it through, and it was obvious that her mom wanted to learn more about the guys. Fortunately, Jake didn't seem to mind; he conversed easily and had no problem with Lori's presence.

  After a few minutes, Lori said, "Well, I bet you guys could use some snacks.  I'll go make some popcorn."

"Sounds great," said Jake, "I'll help you."

As the two headed up the stairs, Gabs burst into giggles. "It's just popcorn. What does he need to help with?" Eric shrugged and smiled to himself.  Claudia felt the warmth of a blush forming on her cheeks. "You should probably go up and 'help' too, Claudia. It's kinda weird if you're down here while he is up there with your mom."

Conceding that she had a point, Claudia reluctantly slid off the sectional and silently climbed the stairs. This was all so confusing. What she really wanted was for everyone to just go home, so she could go to her room and be soothed by Frodo and Pippin.

As she reached the top of the stairs, the sound of laughter from the kitchen caused her to pause.  She had to organize her thoughts before she entered the scene.

"Oh my gosh, really?" said Jake, "That place is on my bucket list.  I can't believe that you guys actually have relatives there."

"We go there every other year to see Roy's sister," replied Lori, "The seafood is fantastic. Do you like seafood?"

Even without seeing her mother's face, Claudia knew that she was flashing her mega-watt, teeth-whitened smile, and she was probably flipping her hair back as well.  Claudia had observed that it was a habit of her mom's to do that when talking with men.

As the conversation continued, Claudia felt as though an ice chisel had pierced her heart.  Without even trying, her mom was chatting with Jake as though he was an old friend. She made it seem so effortless, and as all men tended to do, Jake was responding. Even though she wanted to be angry with Lori, Claudia knew that it wasn't her mom's fault.  Where Claudia was reserved and withdrawn, Lori was extroverted and friendly. She had explained several times to Claudia the value of "putting yourself out there" in order to get ahead in the world.  Yet, try as she might, Claudia never felt at ease in conversation the way her mother did.

Rather than disrupt the conversation in the kitchen, Claudia silently turned on her heels and headed down the stairs. Any relationship she may or may not have developed with Jake was now officially over. After being charmed by Lori, Jake would no longer be interested in Claudia, who paled in comparison to her mother.  Yet, instead of being disappointed and sad, Claudia felt immense relief.  She would now be able to enjoy the rest of the evening without feeling any pressure to perform.

As Claudia rounded the corner, Gabs swung her head around and asked, "Where's Jake? Where's the popcorn?"

"It's just about done," Claudia responded.

Truer words had never been spoken. It was just about done.

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

Even though I cherished every second of having my nephew spend the day with me yesterday, I am not used to being chained to the house.  By the time he left and we had finished with supper, I was experiencing full-blown cabin fever. Begging for a breath of fresh air, I left my husband and son poring over parts on Craigslist and headed out for a walk.

Usually, I don't like walking in the dark, especially in the country. It's not that I am afraid of the dark (which is definite progress from when I was a kid); it's just that I am afraid of what lurks in the dark. While I enjoy wildlife, I don't want any nefarious critters to jump out at me while I am walking.  Even so, my advanced case of cabin fever was requiring immediate attention, so I decided to risk it. . .and I am so glad I did.

A light snow was falling.  Even though I couldn't see it, I could feel the flakes as they hit my face. I had been expecting that it would be difficult to see; however, the snow provided just enough light so that I could easily navigate the road to the highway.

One of the benefits of taking a walk on a snowy evening is that it is peaceful. Traffic was at a minimum, so the only sounds I heard were the crunching of the snow beneath my feet and the snuffling of the dog as she explored the snow banks for any unsuspecting mice.

Even though I should have been uneasy or uncomfortable by the dark, I was completely at ease.  I liked the privacy of being wrapped up in my own little world. I liked being anonymous, unseen, and undetected. I thought it couldn't get any more perfect. . .until I reached the street lights.

What I thought was near-perfection already became even more beautiful under the glow of the street lamps. Even though I could feel the flakes before, I now could see them, and it completely changed my perspective. Since my mind works in metaphor, I saw my walk from another perspective as well.

Typically, the Christmas Eve service at church is one of my favorites.  This year, I was extremely disappointed in several aspects of it. As the evening wore on, I could feel my frustration level rise. Then, it was time for my favorite part of the service - the candle-lighting. As happens every year, the sanctuary went completely dark, which is peaceful in and of itself. Then, the candles at the end of the row are lit, the light is passed, and the sanctuary begins to glow.  That which was hidden was exposed.

As we sang "Silent Night," I considered Christ, the light of the world. He came to the earth as a human to provide light, or hope, to a dark world and how we are all called, as redeemed followers of Christ, to be salt and light. Just like the sanctuary, in Him, there is no darkness. Likewise, in Him, everything is exposed. Our true nature, our truest intentions, our darkest sins are exposed and forgiven through grace.

Similarly, even though I was perfectly content to walk in the darkness on that snowy evening, the light changed my perspective. Often, when we walk in darkness, including depression, we experience limited perspective. It is lonely in its anonymity,  and it lacks perspective. We may trick ourselves into believing that the dark is all there is; it's as good as it gets. We believe that being enveloped in the darkness is safe and insulated, but that is not what God calls His children to be.

The streetlights allowed me to see what I had been missing. They allowed me to fully experience all that the walk could be. God's light is like that. In darkness, we have limited perspective. In the light, we see the full picture; everything is exposed. Our focus extends far beyond ourselves. The light directs our path and shows us where we are to go.

All this, I pondered as I continued on my walk. In my darkest moments, I have made two critical mistakes; I have completely lost perspective. First, all of my attention, energy, and motivation has been on self. I think of how I feel, what I want, how I believe myself to be mistreated, neglected, ripped off, etc. Secondly, I have taken my eyes off the true light - the One who provides direction and focus.

As I was rounding the darkest part of my walk - the back side of the golf course - where there was no path to guide my way, I thought of the night on which Christ was born. The Shepherds had to have been used to the dark. They were very aware of the dangers that lurked in the darkness; they knew they needed to be on guard for any predators that might attack the flock.

I tried to imagine their bewilderment when the sky filled with a bright light as an angel chorus came on the scene with special instructions for the Shepherds. One minute, a familiar darkness had enveloped them; the next minute, the entire sky and landscape was aglow. The light revealed good news.

Likewise, the visiting Magi did not rely on complicated GPS systems to bring them to the Christ child. They relied on a simple, natural, and brilliant star to guide them to the place they needed to go. In either case, the light literally brought them the hope of the world.

Isaiah 9:2 "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned." When it comes to the story of Christ's birth, this verse has literal and metaphorical implications. Darkness offers one limited perspective. Even though it may seem comfortable and even predictable, the light promises so much more. It is in the light that we are able to see and experience life to its fullest degree.

Claudia and Gabs -2

"If ur bored come 2 garfield" said the text. Claudia read the text to Gabs, who broke into a wide smile.  The thought of going outside again wasn't high on their lists, but the prospect of male company warmed them to the possibility.

After three hours of morning ski practice, both girls had been frozen to the core. After lunch, they had retreated to Gab's room; each had grabbed a blanket and curled up in it on opposing ends of her bed, alternately chatting and scrolling through ipads and phones. When Jake's text had come through, both were ready for a diversion, which turned out to be a suggestion of ice-skating at the Garfield ice rink. Rather than heading all the way back to Claudia's house to get her skates, the girls decided that they would slide around the rink in their boots while Jake and his friends skated.

As Claudia pulled into the parking lot, she immediately spotted Jake. Since he was tall and slender with jet-black hair, it was difficult not to see him; plus, he was just so breath-taking.  That's why she couldn't figure out why he was texting her.

"Ooooh, there he is!" Gabs squealed. "Are you ready?"

Before Claudia could answer, Gabs checked her hair in the mirror and jumped out of the car. Claudia exhaled deeply, grabbed her phone, and reluctantly pulled herself from the driver's seat.

As Jake skated to the edge of the rink, he shaved the ice so that both girls were peppered with a fine layer. Naturally, Gabs squealed and began sweeping the shavings off while Claudia just smiled at Jake and said, "Hey."

"Hey," Jake responded with a half-smile, "Where are your skates?"

"Gabby didn't want to skate, so we just decided to wear our boots instead." Just as soon as the words were out of her mouth, Claudia blushed at how stupid she sounded. Why hAd she openED her mouth in the first place? She totally should have let Gabs do the talking; she was good at making the conversation flow. Now, any chances she ever had with Jake were blown completely.

"Ok, cool. Are you ready then?" Jake asked. "I'll race you to the light pole."

Relieved, Claudia exhaled deeply again.  After a half-hour of chasing around the rink, everyone decided that it was time to warm up.  Rather than head to the warming house, they all decided to sit in Claudia's car so that they could warm up and listen to music. Gabby climbed into the back seat while Claudia and Jake climbed into the front seat. Claudia started the car and put the heater on full blast.

"My hands are so cold," Jake complained, "Here feel them." Jake extended his hands, found Claudia's face and neck, and placed his hands on either side of her face. Claudia nervously giggled.  Stunned, Gabby's mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe Jake's audacity, and even more troubling was the fact that her best friend was letting this guy touch her.

As if his roving hands weren't bad enough, Jake suddenly slipped his head on Claudia's shoulder and said, "You're so sweet." Again, Gabby was astounded by Jake's intrusiveness.  He and Claudia weren't even dating yet!

While the two in the front seat continued the conversation, Gabby silently observed the dynamics between the two.  Knowing Claudia the way she did, it was clear that Claudia was uncomfortable.  However, she didn't say a word.  Gabby knew that Claudia was passive; whenever decisions needed to be made in their friendship, Gabby usually took control of the situation. Gabby, however, had not expected Claudia to be so passive when it came to guys.

Feeling uncomfortable, Gabby whipped out her phone and texted Eric, her latest love interest. "Come save me. . .feeling like a third wheel right now."

"Where u?" Eric texted back.

"At garfield. Hurry."

"Will ask. Be there soon."

True to his word, Eric arrived within minutes. Gabby exited the car, relieved to be free of the awkwardness in Claudia's car. Feeling uncomfortable without her bestie, Claudia and Jake returned to the ice as well.  Within a short while, the four decided it was too cold to stay out on the ice rink. At Eric's suggestion, the group agreed to head to Claudia's house to watch a movie.

Gabby positioned herself in the middle of the sectional; Eric casually sat next to her. Claudia shyly hugged the corner of the couch while Jake slid in next to her. . .right next to her. Claudia caught Gabby's eyes which had widened as Jake made himself comfortable. "What is he doing?" Gabby mouthed to her. Claudia shrugged her shoulders and nervously ran a hand up the side of her next.

As the movie credits began, Claudia considered the afternoon's events. Jake had been really touchy-feely, making her feel uneasy at different points throughout the day.  While it was true that the texts between her and Jake had become increasingly flirty, they were far from dating, and yet, he had been so. . .close. Yet, there was a part of her that admitted that it was nice to have some male attention.  Usually, all the guys had their eyes on Gabby. Jake's eyes had been only on her.  Pressure on her right shoulder brought her back to reality. The faint scent of Axe filled her nostrils.

"I really had a good time today, Claudia." Jake turned his head from Claudia's shoulder and looked into her eyes, "You really are sweet."

Claudia sensed that she was being watched. As she looked up, Claudia's eyes met Gabby's. With a slight shake of her head, Gabby mouthed, "What are you doing?" Before she could respond, Claudia noticed movement behind Gabby's head. The light was dim, so Claudia squinted to get a better look. Suddenly, the blood in her veins turned to ice; Gabby wasn't the only one who had been watching the exchange between Claudia and Jake. Claudia's mom was standing in the doorway. Her arms were crossed, and her expression was unreadable. Claudia swallowed hard and wondered what would happen next.

Claudia and Gabs - 1

"Don't put your hair up in a messy bun again. And wear your contacts. You have such pretty eyes; why are you always hiding them behind glasses?"

Claudia didn't look up and continued to mindlessly scroll through the messages on her phone. She could tell by the tone of her mother's voice that she hadn't reached the critical stage yet. It was still a "why-don't-you," not a "you-have-to." Even though she was perfectly comfortable right where she was, Claudia decided that it was best to get out of sight, so she could be out of her mother's mind.

As she unfolded her long, skinny legs, Claudia heaved herself off the couch and softly called as she made her way down the hallway. "Going to my room. Tell Gabs when she gets here."

With a soft click, Claudia closed the door to her private sanctuary. "Hey, boys," she smiled as she lifted the door to the cage, "Come on out and talk to me." Her parakeets, Frodo and Pippin, happily obliged by each hopping onto a shoulder. Claudia sank down beside her bed and stroked Pippin's feathers.

Why was her mom always bugging her about looking so girly? Why should she care? She liked wearing sweatpants. She hated wearing make-up. She liked to put her hair in a bun.  She hated wearing her contacts. Of course, she admitted, most of her preferences were due to the fact that she was just too lazy to do all that girly stuff, but so what? Besides, if her mom wanted a girly-girl, all she had to do was look in the bedroom across from Claudia's. Her sister, Camille, filled the role perfectly. Name brand clothing? Check. Nail polish in every color of the rainbow? Check. Shopping? Check. No one could spent their mom's money better than Camille. It was all pretty stupid to Claudia.  She hated spending money, especially her mom's, but if any money was going to be spent, Claudia would rather buy food than clothes.

Before Claudia could consider the matter further, the door burst open, startling Claudia and causing the parakeets to screech loudly. "Clau....dia!" the voice half-sang, half-yelled, "I'm here! Did you miss me?!" Then, person in the doorway struck a runway model pose and dissolved into giggles.

Claudia finally exhaled and started to giggle as well. "Gabrielle! You scared me. Get in here and shut the door."

"What's up, bird?" Gabrielle said as she lunged at Pippin and dramatically threw herself on Claudia's bed. "Oh my gosh, Claudia, have you checked Twitter lately? Brian has been totally sending me flirty messages all morning, and it's totally making Stink mad. I love it!" Gabrielle immediately rolled over to her stomach and opened her Ipad. "I have to check to see if he responded to my tweet."

Claudia silently regarded her bestie. She and Gabrielle had been BFFs practically since birth.  Born a couple of months apart (Gabs was older by two months), the two grown up in the same church, gone to the same preschool and elementary school, and now, had all their classes together in high school. Other than family stuff, there wasn't a single memory of Claudia's that didn't have Gabs in it.

Where Claudia was quiet, reserved, nature-loving, and old-fashioned, Gabs was loud, extroverted, trendy, and materialistic. Each knew her role in the friendship, and for that reason, each knew the other like the back of her hand. They spent as much time together as their parents allowed, and each was regarded as another daughter to the opposing family. Even though Claudia had a sister, she considered Gabs to be every bit a sister as Camille.

"Do you think Brian will ask you out?" Claudia asked. A couple of months ago, Claudia had been somewhat interested in Brian herself, but when Gabs declared an interest in Brian, Claudia backed off. When Gabs "fell in love," it was understood that Claudia's energy would be used to help Gabs with any relationship assistance she might need.

Gabs continued to scroll and concentrated on her Twitter feed.  Finally, she looked up, "What?" She asked, "Oh, yeah, I don't know. He sends flirty messages, but he sends them to Chloe and Holly too. He's such a playa.'" As she said this, she winked and flicked a wrist toward Claudia. "But of course, he likes me best." Again, Gabby's infectious giggle erupted; then, Gabby's leaned closer to Claudia. "So, what's new with Jake?"

Claudia turned away and pulled away from her sitting position. She considered the question as she carefully returned Pippin and Frodo to their cage, her face purposefully turned away from Gabs. Should she tell her or not? On the one hand, she had learned her lesson the hard way when she had been interested in Justin a while back.  She and Justin had been texting back and forth, and Claudia had let her bestie in on the conversation. Sadly, Gabs had posted something about Justin and Claudia being in a relationship on Facebook. Once Justin saw that, he quit texting her. But if Claudia didn't tell her, Gabs would know right away that something was up. Claudia had no poker face, and Gabs would pester her until she told anyway.

"We've just been texting back and forth," Claudia nonchalantly said, "Nothing big - just talking about the weekend, sports, and stuff."

"Ooh, let me see," Gabs said as she reached for phone in Claudia's back pocket.

Claudia grabbed it before Gabs could and said, "It's no big deal. I erased them all anyway. So what are we doing tonight?" Claudia knew the surest way to deflect Gab's attention was to swing the conversation back to Gabs.

As Gabby launched into a descriptive explanation of the evening's agenda, Claudia stared at the image in her bedroom mirror. She regarded the loose top-knot at the crown of her head, the widow's peak, the full lips, and liquid brown eyes that stared back at her. Was she as beautiful as her mom claimed?

When Everything Goes to Hell

It has occurred to me that the only things that get better with age are definitely wine and maybe cheese.  The rest just goes to hell, sometimes, literally, and almost all the time, figuratively.

My thoughts came to a head today during and after visiting my grandma at the nursing home in Clara City. Mike went with me, and we had a decent visit. I hadn't seen her for a while, so it was good to physically see her. As far as the visit went, Mike and I basically had the same conversation with her about five times over; she just can't retain anything. Likewise, since she is in the nursing home, she really doesn't know anything either by which she could add to the conversation. She is desperate to converse but is painfully aware that she can't because even though she can't remember what she just said, she does remember that she can't remember.  Does that make sense? Well, it does to me.

We gave her a Christmas gift while we were there; it was a fiber optic angel. In her lucid years, Grandma was an avid collector of angel paraphernalia. That's why I purchased the angel for her.  To explain, my mom and my uncle, Steven, reached a satisfactory settlement, which meant that all of Grandmas items needed to be divvied up so that Steven and Charlyn could move in to Grandma's house. Therefore, I recently acquired several pieces of her angel arsenal, which caused me to think of such a gift for her. After receiving it, Grandma seemed to really enjoy it as she stared at it frequently and said, "I have never seen anything like it; thank you very much." While I am thrilled that she enjoyed the gift, I'm saddened by what Grandma has become.

She is a shell, physically and mentally. As to her physical appearance, she has not only strunk in size; she also resembles a nursing home resident, which means her hair is wonky - flat in the back from sleeping on it - and her clothes are functional versus fashionable. My grandma used to be a classy, snappy dresser.

Worse, her mental state is deeply affected. My grandma had the mental acuity and stubbornness of steel.  Now, she cries on a dime. It doesn't take much. . .the mention of Grandpa or how much she wants to go "home" (heaven) causes her to lose her grip. It's tough to see.

Prior to the whipped cream mental state that she currently resides in, Grandma passed through another unfamiliar stage - anger and bitterness.  When she moved off the farm and into assisted living, she underwent another sort of mental metamorphosis. Even though I could speculate as to the origin of such rancor (which would not be a productive use of my time), suffice it to say that a bitter power struggle erupted amongst the three (some might say, two) forces in the nuclear family consisting of Grandma, Mom, and Steven, which has lead us to the current state of affairs today.

My case has been, hands down, proven that the aging process has either destroyed my grandma, or (and more terrifying to consider) it has unearthed my grandma's true character.  That's the part I really don't want to consider, especially since I see it happening to others whom I have known for a long time as well.

For example, it does not escape my attention that my uncle, Steven, falls into this category as well. When I was a kid, he was my favorite uncle because he was so easy-going and fun to be around. He was so easy to visit with, was so kind, and always seemed genuinely interested in anything that my brother or I had to say.

His actions in the last few years, however, have been a complete 180 from the uncle I thought I knew.  Based on what I have been told and seen with regard to Grandma, the farm, and my mom and her family (us), my uncle has become greedy and manipulative. . .a bully. . .just plain mean. The part I keep getting stuck on is has getting older changed him, or is this his true nature that was suppressed for many years?

Sidebar: I can't make such claims without stepping back and looking at myself and my own family (Mom, Dad, and Ross). Speaking only for myself, I can honestly say that my personal quest has been to truly become a better version of Melissa as I age. As I examine my actions from twenty years ago to five years ago to last week to yesterday, I fully admit that I have done and said some stupid things and made assumptions that have not represented my faith and Savior in the most positive light. I have examined my actions, been filled with deep regret, and have been filled with a resolve to learn from my mistakes and make better choices. Have I always been successful? No.  Am I constantly trying? Yes.  Is that true for everyone. I don't know.
Am I being judgmental? My intention is not to be judgmental but to look at the facts to either prove or disprove my hypothesis. Do I have others examples to support my hypothesis? Maybe.

For example, none of my aunts are the people whom I once knew. The biggest example of this is my aunt, Charlyn. Like Steven, she used to be my favorite aunt because she was so gentle, caring, and attentive.  For every birthday, anniversary, and holiday, everyone in the family always received a card and probably some cash or at least, some sort of thoughtful gift. If she knew that Ross and I would be staying overnight at her house, she always made sure our favorites were on hand - Captain Crunch, Dentyne gum, and Cheetohs.

Now, her behavior is inexplicable. She still sends my kids cards and money for birthdays, and she and Steven gave Nick a generous graduation gift, but they didn't show up. The reason that was given was that Steven was too busy planting navy beans, so they couldn't come. These are the people with whom we spent every birthday, and they didn't show up this huge event. Again, is this inner bitterness attributed to aging, or is this the real Charlyn that has emerged?

My other aunts have not been involved in my life since my grandparents passed away. There was a brief and shocking family explosion after my Grandpa Ryks passed away. Inexplicably and out of character, my aunt and uncle made accusations against my parents regarding Grandpa and Grandma Ryks's stuff. And even though I have no proof, I get the sense that my aunt harbors latent anger (toward me) since the passing of my cousin, Lisa. Yes, she is angry because her daughter is gone, but I also get the sense that she is angry because I am alive while her daughter is dead. I know that sounds weird and irrational, but a mutual friend of ours said the same thing. (I have another aunt, but I have never really known her, and that's a whole different story).

My point in throwing all this out there isn't to show that I am superior and that my relatives are all morally corrupt.  My point is to try to figure what the hell is going on and why the hell people have changed so much. Why, as people age, do they become so selfish, bitter, and greedy? Is it because they are pissed off about the lives they lead and how life hasn't worked out the way they planned? Most everybody I know has experienced this dilemma associated with middle age. . .those of us who have reached a certain age start taking inventory regarding which of our dreams we achieved, which of these dreams have moved up in priority for achievement, and most devastatingly, which we have to let go. Is disappointment in life the impetus for the change in persona?

And what is with the strong vein of selfishness? Perhaps I have been misguided into thinking that everyone eventually recognizes futility, immaturity, and spiritual degredation that selfishness is tied to - that this realization causes us to strive to lead lives that are more others-oriented - that we discover true spiritual growth occurs when we put God first and others second. Or maybe no one really cares about spiritual growth. Do we all eventually revert back to the self-centered natures we exuded as children?  Ugh, gross. Count me out if that's the case.

So what's the answer? I don't know. What I do know is that I do not want that to happen to me. I do not want to become bitter, cranky, selfish, and greedy. That is not the person God created me to be.

The Fine Art of Waiting

Since there is no church today, I have to make my own. I read Luke 1:5-24, 57-80, which is the account of John the Baptist's birth to Zechariah and Elizabeth. 

Even though I have read it before, what struck me this time was the fact that even though Zechariah and Elizabeth were really old (and she was barren - v.7), he was still asking for a son. While he is doing his thing as a priest, an angel shows up and says, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John." (13) 

Another thing that struck me about that passage is that the angel chose to visit him at a time when no one else was around (everybody was praying outside).

Sometimes, I think that my prayer requests have a statute of limitations. . .if the prayer hasn't been answered within my time frame (which varies, depending on how clogged my mind is with other, inconsequential crap), then it's time to quit praying about that issue. 

Clearly, God doesn't roll that way. He makes things happen according to His timeline of events. My requests may be completely legit. . .sincere, within the confines of His plan, reflecting the true, pure desires of my heart. . . but if it's not the right time, it's not the right now. It doesn't mean I give up, which I do too easily.

If it is really important to me - my heart's desires, which I believe are reflective of the person God created me to be - then, I need to keep on praying. Zechariah continued to pray for a son even when it was, by all worldly definitions, impossible. Thus, my continued prayer does not mean that I will eventually wear God down and get what I want (which is what kids will try to do to their parents). It is a practical application of the true meaning of faith - belief, especially in the absence of reason.

First, belief does not mean getting everything, or anything for that matter, that you want. God is not Santa. Belief means that you continue to present your requests to God because a) that's what He tell you to do, and b) you know that He is all-powerful and all-knowledgeable and will make the best decision. 

Secondly, faith means believing even when, and sometimes especially when, something that the world calls "common sense" fails. God's sense is not common; it's extraordinary, and His Reason is perfect. And so, by reading about Zechariah today, I am encouraged to know that the honest desires of my heart are not annoyances to Him. In fact, my repeated requests make Him smile. And I truly believe that He will honor the desires that are pure and righteous (devoid of personal gain or pride). My job is to be patient.

The Countdown Begins. . .Points to Consider as You Ponder Which Herd to Join - the Elephants or the Donkeys

As I perusing one of my Facebook friend's posts, I noted, yet again, a somewhat volatile discussion regarding politics. I am not a highly political person, nor do I seek out conflict, so I generally steer clear with regard to commenting on such posts.  Neverthe less, I started thinking about the whole issue, and here are five questions that are worthwhile to consider.

Is politics really a deal-breaker when it comes to friendship?  Throughout the political season, I have witnessed several FB friends threaten to "unfriend" people because of a particular political opinion or sway. Therefore, if one can answer "yes," to the aforementioned question, then it would follow that you weren't really friends in the first place. I have a couple friends who are on the opposite end of the political spectrum from me. Generally, we agree to disagree, and if we can't do that, we avoid the topic altogether; politics, in its very nature, is rhetoric, and it is certainly not worth me losing a friend over.

Is politics an appropriate Facebook discussion? Several Facebook users try to abide by the "no politics/no religion" policy. While I admire their goal of a Little House on the Prairie sort of Facebook environment, I am not entirely sure I trust them. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be a part of a contentious, depressing battleground, but I do think the whole point of a social networking site is to network socially, which means be who you are. If religion and spirituality are a big part of who you are, then your posts will probably reflect that. If politics is important to you, then your posts will probably reflect that passion. What's wrong with that? The problem is not with the post-er; it seems the focus should swing to the post-ee and why s/he so vociferously avoids or gets so upset about either topic. To my way of thinking, if the topic (politics, religion, or whatever) opens a forum in which respectful discussion can take place, then why not discuss it? Discussion often leads to debate (which, for some, leads to hives). In order to debate intelligently, one needs to know his/her facts, which leads to inquiry. From what I see, it's a win-win situation for everybody involved.

Which political party is to blame for America's current status - Republicans or Democrats?  This is definitely a "fun" issue that has been debated ad nausem this year. In my observation, this has been a very heated which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg argument, from which no clear conclusion has been drawn. (1) The end result has been elementary playground logic (Well, my candidate is better than yours, so nyeh!) and contentious wordplay, which has lead the discussion/debate away from the real issue to be debated. To explain, the "who" is to blame does not matter as much as the "why" the country is the way it is. The real question is which candidate will promote bi-partisan decision-making and who will be better at uniting both parties to resolve the issues at hand? (2)

Which candidate will provide strong leadership and wisdom should another intense foreign situation arise (and I believe there will be another one soon)? The whole Libyan crisis has been polarized toward the end of the campaign season. While it is good that the issue is being discussed, it is sickening because the tragedy is being exploited in the name of campaign politics. Again, the motivation behind the attacks should be of utmost importance and consideration with regard to our nation's future and security. The smoke and mirrors of campaigning has caused us to lose focus, which could be a deadly miscalculation. There has been discussion in the news of the US making a treaty with the Taliban. While it sounds great (I am all for peace!), it does not sound realistic.  In considering the caustic history of the relationship, negotiation and compromise seem to be a Pollyanna-esque pipe dream. What happens when the lines of communication break down?  Whom do you believe would be the best choice/candidate to represent the US in such a situation?

Finally, what are America's biggest issues right now? If you had to narrow it down to three, what would you choose? In my opinion, out-of-control overspending (3), out-of-control entitlement programs, and a general laxity of morals and values are destroying our country. Once YOU decide what our country's greatest needs and issues are, it is your privilege to choose the candidate whom you feel will best address these issues. Naturally, that means you have to get educated about the candidates. Don't rely on political information from your dad, your pastor, your hair stylist, etc; the information will have the informant's bias. Find out for yourself. With the privilege to vote comes the responsibility to be an informed voter.

Just my two cents, tho. . .

Personally, I believe that in order to answer this question, one has to leave the epochs of the 80s and 90s to examine carefully the err of our country's ways in the 30s and 40s.  End sidebar.

(2) In my opinion, neither candidate appears to be very bi-partisan. Unfortunately, I think this will be a loss for the American people as party divisiveness will continue to impede progress.

(3) Our national debt is a serious issue that, for whatever reason, people seem to be largely ignoring. Have you seen the national debt clock? Do you know how much we are in the hole to China? According to financial analysts, the infra-structure of the U.S. economy is on track to meet with its demise at the end of this year. Are people just going to poo-poo this and write it off as another Y2k/Mayan calendar situation?

God has the memory of a dog

God has the memory of a dog. I suppose that sounds sacrilegious at first glance, but I do have a point in saying it, and it's a flattering point.

Dogs have the unique ability to forget in the blink of an eye. There's a joke that goes something like, if you put your dog and your wife in the trunk and leave them there for a while, which one will be happy to see you when you open the trunk?  The truth is dogs don't hold grudges, and they certainly keep no record of wrongs. I can attest to that with my dog, Juno. Even if I yell at her the morning for some infraction with regard to her behavior, she will be jumping up and down with joy to see me by the end of the day when I return.

God is has a similar mentality (is it a coincidence and dog and God are anagrams?). Even when we mess up on an epic scale, he is jumping up and down when we admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness.  He keeps no record of wrongs, so why is it that we humans can't keep life simple like our dogs do?

Forgiveness is a God-directed mandate.  For Christians, there is no other alternative than forgive and love.  But let's face it; the whole "forgive and forget" mentality is hardly a successful philosophy. It sounds good and is a palatable epithet in Christian circles, but the practice and philosophy do not generally go hand-in-hand. The vast majority of us will claim to forgive, and may even be sincere about it, but forget?  Not a chance.

While God may have the memory of a dog, we humans have the memories of elephants; we never forget. We may be earnest in our intention to be the "better" person and may even forgive. .repeatedly, but we tend to suck on our hurt as we do a lozenge for a sore throat. Here's another simile for you; like the stink of last night's supper, the offense lingers in our minds and worse, in our hearts, planting the seeds of bitterness in the fertile, broken soil of our hearts. There are enough metaphors on the subject to illustrate the situation, but I think you get the point. As humans, we don't like to let it go. The question is why?

There is a significant quote that definitely explains the situation:  "They may not remember what you said, but they will never forget the way you made them feel." As humans, memory and emotion are irrevocably intertwined. One of our most basic needs is belonging, and when we are rejected (through embarrassment, bullying, exclusion, etc), an emotional trench of hurt is carved into our minds and hearts within seconds. Filling this trench seems like an insurmountable task, and it can takes years or a lifetime to do.

There are people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that their mere presence is enough to conjure an extreme emotional reaction.  For example, twenty-five years ago, my high school principal hurt me deeply and embarrassed me.  Even now, I cannot exchange a glance with the man without feeling the initial flare of anger.  It's been twenty-five years.  I do not think about what happened anymore, and it has definitely not destroyed my life in any way; however, the emotion connected to the person is still just as strong.

Even though I am ashamed to admit it, there are people with whom I go to church who conjure the same strong emotions. Without getting into details, I was betrayed by several people whom I trusted, including my pastor, and forgiveness has been a bitter pill for me to swallow. The hypocrisy, both my own and those who offended me, has been paralyzingly difficult to bypass. Although the incident is definitely no longer on my mind, proximity has made the healing process next to impossible for me.  Seeing them each Sunday is like ripping the scab off the wound each week; it never seems to heal.  Although I have forgiven the act, the emotional reaction I have to these people does not allow me to forget.  I have listened to Joyce Meyers repeatedly admonish me to not be a victim to my emotions, but I have yet to be successful.

And then to compound matters, the quote, "They may not remember what you said, but they will never forget the way you made them feel," has convicted me in another way.

For the past twenty years, I have been a high school teacher, and this is a quote that alternately inspires and haunts me.  I wish I would have heard it twenty years ago when I started teaching, but then, again, would I actually have attended to it?  Twenty years ago, I was a 22 year old newb who was trying to establish a presence and credibility in my classroom. In my quest to do so, I was more concerned about commanding the respect of both students and colleagues. In so doing, I know that I alienated, embarrassed, and discouraged students along the way.

One example that comes to mind is a young woman (who is now a friend on Facebook) who was in my speech class. At one point, I had written "Good attempt" on a speech evaluation I did for her. The intention behind the comment was to be encouraging, but she was offended and deeply hurt by it, as I later found out. As you can tell, I still feel badly about making her feel bad about herself, and this incident occurred well over ten years ago. And this is one incident in which the student let me know that I had hurt her. How many other students have I discouraged that I don't even know about? With that in min, the quote now inspires me to really think about what I say, how I say it, and when I say it.

So, how do we, as humans, become more like dogs than elephants when it comes to memory.  Like everything else in our lives, it is a choice. It is our daily cross. It is my daily cross. Tracing back to the Garden of Eden, we humans live our lives according to choice and consequence. It is my choice to get sucked into the toxic emotional toilet that keeps me from true forgiveness, or it is my choice to focus on forgiveness first and to love, as I am commanded to do. God doesn't leave any wiggle room when it comes to  this issue; it is either one way (His way) or the other (destruction).

Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner. When we returned, I was dismayed to see that Juno, our pug-rat, had practically scratched a hole into our recently-purchased leather couch. Of course, Juno was scolded, banished to the floor, and had to sleep in her kennel. Her tail was down, and her sad brown eyes illustrated her remorse. This morning, she raced out of her kennel and licked my face as though she hadn't seen me in  years.  Even now, she is snuggled up next to my thigh as I write this.  Whatever happened yesterday is completely forgotten, and she loves me every bit as much as she ever did. She lives for my affection and a kind word.  Sound like anyone else you know? Indeed, God has the memory of a dog, and we would be wise to follow suit.

What it means to be human

  My cousin, Lisa, and I were born three months apart. I was born in June; she was born in September. Therefore, we were friends from birth. Our childhoods were a tangle of family gatherings, shenanigans, and laughter.  We promised that we would be in each other's weddings, and we were. We married within a year of each other, and alternated babies.

 

When Lisa was about 11, she developed Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes, and her race to the finish began. Diabetes was a lifelong struggle for Lisa.  She wanted desperately to be like everyone else, and so, she wasn't always careful with her food intake, numbers, and insulin. Eventually, the consequences of such choices catches up to a person.  And so, it was for my cousin, Lisa.

 

As often happens once children enter people's lives, Lisa and I drifted apart. Each of us sacrificed our social lives in order to pour 100% of our energy into raising our kids. It's not that we had severed our relationship; through a mutual, unspoken understanding, we put our friendship on hold with the understanding that once our kids had grown and gone, we would sit in our rocking chairs, remembering days gone by and complaining about our waning youth.

 

Beginning in her 37th year, Lisa's health began to decline. She was in and out of the hospital so frequently that she wouldn't even inform close family and friends anymore because she was embarrassed. 

 

Fast forward to December of 2011.  Lisa was doing some Christmas shopping when she "blew" her knee out while at the mall.  The immediate thought was to have knee replacement surgery so that she could be mobile again.  Unfortunately, the tissue damage due to diabetes meant that a knee replacement would be futile. Since there was no circulation, the new knee would float unattached and would never heal.  Thus, Lisa's decision boiled down to two options: sit in a wheelchair for the rest of her life or amputate and get a prosthetic leg.

 

Lisa struggled with both options. She prayed earnestly for healing. She argued, pled, and cried to God.  She discussed the situation with her family. She discussed it with me. Finally, in May, after much consideration, she decided to amputate with the goal of walking at her daughter, Jenni's, graduation in May 2013. 

 

On May 10, Lisa had the surgery. It went well. Her numbers were wonky, but that is typical for diabetics post-surgery as it is trauma to the body. On May 12, she called me to tell me she felt great and couldn't wait to come home. On May 15, she was scheduled to come home.

 

At 6 am on May 15, nurses discovered her unresponsive, dead, in her hospital bed.

 

I have never wept and mourned over someone's death as I have Lisa's. She was 41. She left behind a husband and four daughters, ages 19, 17, 15, and 10. On a personal note, I feel as though I have lost a sister, a twin almost. 

On the one hand, I celebrate her new joy. I know that she is in heaven with her Heavenly Father, experiencing her eternal reward.  She is now completely free of illness, disease, and pain. I couldn't be happier for her.

 

On the other hand, I miss her with an intensity that surprises even me. Little things catch me off guard.  For example, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I was waiting at the deli, and a young lady was standing across from me. She was taste-testing some deli salads. As she turned, I noticed an insulin pump on her hip, and I inexplicably burst into tears. 

 

My stoic German instincts tell me I should "buck up" and move on. The time for mourning is over, which is true.  I don't consider my tears to be mourning. The memory and the ensuing tears are much more than that; they are acts of love.

 

For each memory that floods my mind, for each reminder that draws her into my presence, for each time I see her face in my mind, I am grateful. Each of these are acts of love that we share that keep her very much alive even though she is rejoicing with her Savior. I am so thankful to Christ, the creator of all emotions. While they may wreak havoc at times, they are necessary to in order for us to fulfill God's most important command: to love.

Is it ever ok to walk away from toxic family members?

  As a kid, I used to look forward to over-nighters at my aunt and uncle's house.  They would spoil us with all the things we didn't get our house, such as Cap'n Crunch and Dentyne gum. My aunt would buy hair accessories for me. . ."just because." In sum, I spent many wonderful days on the farm with them as well as my grandma. Likewise, holidays were filled with laughter, good food, and boisterous games.

 

Now, thirty-five years later, no one in that family can stand to be in the same room together.  It's hard to nail the problem down to just one source; however, suffice it to say that greed and entitlement (who gets the family farm?) have splintered and broken a once-close family. 

 

As devastating as the break-up is, it is equally devastating that both sides claim to be lovers and followers of Christ. . .liberally sprinkling any civil conversations that occur with words such as "forgiveness" and "love." Even so, there doesn't seem to be much of either at the moment. Is anyone to blame? Yes. . .everyone.

 

Clearly, I get most of my information from what side, but it's true that my mom has been acquiescent - has negotiated my uncle's demands and has tried to be civil throughout the process.  However, the effort does not seem to be reciprocated, so now what?

 

Joel Osteen, in his book, Daily Readings from Your Best Life Now: 90 Devotions for Living at Your Full Potential, discusses the concept of walking away from people who seem to be toxic who seem to be detracting one from his/her God-given destiny.  He refers to it as the "gift of goodbye." Osteen says, "All of us, at times, will have people who leave our lives for one reason or another. It may be something you weren’t expecting. You may not understand it. But if you’ve done your part to walk in love and forgiveness, if you know in your heart you’ve done your best and the person walks away, that’s when you have to trust that God knows who needs to be in your life."

 

So here's the question:  Is it Ok for a Christian to say goodbye to toxic family members?

 

A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding this issue. First, how does one define the word, "family"? Does family consist of those with whom a blood connection exists?  Does family consist of those with whom we share the same household?  Does family consist of those people around whom we surround yourself - those who love and support us?  Can close friends be deemed "family"? 

 

Based on my belief, Christ specifically placed on this earth for this time and place. . .and with a certain group of people.  Our placement in our earthly families (mom, dad, etc) are not a mistake, nor is it coincidence.  Therefore, it seems we are meant to live and maintain a relationship with these people for a reason.  It seems God chose to put them into our lives and vice versa because they are an integral part in developing us into the person whom He has predestined us to be. Even so, God warns about the dangers of family in Micah 7.

 

But when circumstances change. . .when people change. . .when sin corrupts those relationships. . .when those relationships threaten our God-directed course. . .when those relationships are just plain toxic, is it within Biblical bounds to walk away?