When Dreams Must Die

 I haven't been able to take a bath in almost a year.  No, there is nothing wrong with me.  The problem was our water.  Our filtration system had been sputtering and finally gave up.  This left us the problem of stinky (that nasty sulfur fart smell), brownish (rust), hard (yes, the softener quit too) water.  There was no enticement to take a bath.  

A week ago, we had the entire system and softener replaced.  After a stressful week and a day of yard work, I decided it was time to take an inaugural dip in the tub.  

I expected a warm soak; what I got was a flood.

As the water ran, I gathered up the tools of relaxation: bubbles, phone with speaker, and incense. As the water ran, I lit the incense while the water foamed.  I found the Meditation station on Pandora and lowered myself into the tub.  

The first song to play was "Canon in D." For most people, this is recognizable as a processional at weddings.  As cliche as it maybe, I, too, had hoped that my daughter would enter the church to this song.  

Without going into detail (mostly because I'm not ready to talk about it), this has been a year of dashed dreams. I've had to learn that some dreams have to die, even if you don't want them to, and while grieving over them is natural and expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult.  The old dreams are supposed to be replaced by new, but I'm still in the grieving process.  

And so, I rolled to my side, allowed the dreams to tumble and dissipate, and started to cry. 

"Canon in D" was followed by "Expression" by Helen Jane Long and then by "Arwen's Vigil" by The Piano Guys, and then by "Life and Death " by Paul Cardell.  It was a tough set. 

The driving rhythms of *"Expression" reflect my desperate pursuit of "normal." Just keep moving, ride the emotions, but keep moving. "Arwen's Vigil" is the tender underside of the emotions - that which has never seen the light of day. No one knows and will never know.  These are mine alone - vulnerable, secret, and thick with pain. Originally, "Life and Death" first debuted on the popular TV series, Lost. Indeed, the song fit the show - so much loss.  What once was is never to be again.  The gravity of that reality is sometimes more than one can bear.  There is a tenderness in the melody, as memories are bittersweet. There is a reminder of the past joy mingled with present grief.  

My tears mingled with the water all around me.  Each song, all of it. So true. So pure. So real.  So hard. 

So where does it end? I don't know. It's not done yet, and I don't see an end game in the distance.  

I know that at some point, there will be an end. 

It is said that water symbolizes purification. Baptism is a cleansing, a rebirth. That said, in my mind's eye, I am sitting on a rock on one side of a quiet stream. The day is warm, there is a breeze. I am alone but comfortable. I am not afraid.  

Across the stream, He is there.  He approaches the edge.  There is only feet between us.  He smiles first then extends His hand.  My smile reflects His. I feel inexpressible joy as I stand and reach my hand to His. 

No, I'm not dying.  But there are parts of me that are.  I know that it will be over when I'm ready to let it go. When I finally surrender my fears, sadness, regret, guilt, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, and control, it will be over, and more importantly, it will begin.  

*I included the links to the songs in case you wanted to hear them too. 

Social Media Reject

“Americans put in 25% more hours [at work]than Europeans, take fewer vacation days and are retiring later,” states Dan Buettner in The Blue Zones of Happiness. That’s because “we get to keep a greater % of wages in comparison to Europeans who are heavily taxed.”

For example, the Danes are taxed anywhere from 42% (starting) to 68% for top earners. Thus, Danes are encouraged “to choose jobs that give them a greater chance of experiencing flow. With taxes claiming a big portion of their wages and ambition being frowned upon in their culture, there’s no personal advantage for them to seek higher paychecks or impressive titles.”

Ok, but we live and work in America. We aren’t going to tilt the culture on its side anytime soon, so what do we do to increase satisfaction and happiness in the workplace? Here are Buettner’s guidelines to workplace happiness:

1. Make a best friend at work. Have at least one meaningful relationship that transcends work and becomes a true friendship.

2. Seek a job that fits you (engages your natural talents, values and passions). Follow your heart vs. the paycheck. Work with people you like. Work in a place that gives you constant, meaningful feedback.

3. Consider your work hours. Take a vacation every year. Take up to six weeks to maximize work happiness.

4. Avoid long commutes - no more than 30 minutes.

5. Set goals (quarterly and annual; personal and work). Write them down. Monitor and track. Get an accountability partner.

In my world, sixty percent is passing. Anything below that is failure. That said, I am at 60%, barely passing. Of course, this is just one person's viewpoint, but this dude has done a lot of world research on this topic.

So, that leaves me to ponder. . .

I used to like teaching. In fact, I loved teaching. I used to pour my very heart and soul into it, working long hours because yes, I felt as though I had to, but also because I enjoyed the work (minus the grading). Teaching used to be fun. In addition to the curriculum work we did in class, there was also playfulness. I feel as though we laughed more; I laughed more. We had less meetings, more spontaneity, more creativity and latitude in coursework/assessment, and I felt honored, respected, and appreciated.

In the 29 years I have been at this (and yes, I realize I give that time marker quite often; it's mostly to remind ME of how much of my life has been spent in one endeavor), so much has changed. There is still fun in the classroom; it just looks way different. We still laugh, but kids are SO sensitive and anxiety-ridden that it can be very fun-sucking and certainly causes anxiety for me as a teacher (Did I say something offensive? When I touched the person's shoulder, do I need to worry? Will they sue me?). Other than that, it's all different. There is NO fun AT ALL with the staff. People don't participate in the fun stuff - they don't show up for celebrations, they don't want to hang out, they don't want to foster friendships. We are just silos that operate independently in a our rooms and go home. Likewise, there is no appreciation or respect for the staff. Sure, there is lip-service (we appreciate YOU; now, take this donut), but true appreciation and respect is measurable each day, not just special days on the calendar. The non-stop meetings, directives, deadlines. . .ridiculous decisions that are made FOR teachers without teacher input? All of those tell the true story of how teachers are regarded.

In considering all that, one should not be surprised to hear me say that teaching is no fun anymore, and I really don't like it anymore. That said, do the kids deserve better? I don't think the kids are suffering at all. They still get the best of me. Does the district deserve better? They already have/had the best of me, and they didn't/don't appreciate it. I have been their dish rag long enough - they have wrung every drop out of me. It's time for me to find a new sink - one of MY choosing.

I need to keep writing stuff like this to fortify me in my resolve. The more I remind myself, the less likely I am to drop back and retreat.

Heart Plans

 "A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9

If you read the commentary on this verse, the usual interpretations are what I would consider somewhat negative.  You can decide in your head what you want to have happen, but if it doesn't align with what God wants, it ain't happenin.' This is true. However, it neglects to point out that God wants the best for us.  Likewise, He gave us free will and a mind, which He definitely wants us to use.  

That said, this morning when I read it, I saw something different - something encouraging.  Your heart has a desire and knows what it wants, but God is in charge of how you get there and how long it takes. Of course, our desires have to align with God, His purpose, His plans and His glory.  But, He also celebrates our uniqueness.  He is the Creator, inspiration of creativity, and He enjoys seeing us flex our creative muscles, imagining what we want. He knows our deepest desires - the secret aches that no human knows because we have never said anything to anyone about them. I believe these are the "heart plans" in the verse.  When those heart plans align with His Will, I can almost hear the click of the ignitor as a fire within is lit.  

This is particularly encouraging to me.  I have some definite heart desires, many of which I do not vocalize.  If I speak them, I subject myself to ridicule, or even worse, the possibility that those desires will never be realized.  After all, if I don't talk about it, then I don't have to worry about being humiliated if they never happen.  But I also have no accountability for them.  

God knows, though.  He does hold me accountable for them.  He places opportunities in my path, and it is up to me to take those opportunities.  It is up to me to be brave and take a step toward those desires. Sadly, there are many times when I am not paying attention, or I have allowed myself to get distracted by things that don't matter.  Or, I allow the voice of the enemy to drown out the still, small whisper.  God believes in me, especially when I don't believe in myself.  He sends others to deliver that message and encourage me to move.  This is how He determines my steps.  

The fun part is that His steps are almost always a surprise.  Not a surprise, as in SURPRISE! But they are surprise in the fact that He works the plan in unexpected and unorthodox ways.  There have been many times when I have sat back in wonder, a smile on my face, as I have considered the creative, truly perfect way in which He has set the situation up for complete success.  Can I give you an example right now?  Of course not.  That's how it usually goes.  However, I can tell you that it has happened, and that's what makes me continue to believe that He will honor my heart desires in HIS time and in HIS own way.  

As a person, made in His image, I believe He not only instilled within me, the ability to create marvelous, extravagant dreams and goals.  I also believe He waits with anticipation to see what I want.  It's like a mother seeing her daughter dance on a stage for the first time, a father watching his son open the Christmas present he so desperately wanted.  He wants to give us only good things.  He wants to see us smile. He wants to enjoy His creation, enjoying creation.  For this is what brings glory to the Creator. 

"A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9

Who am I? I'm serious. How do I discover my identity?

So here is a new problem.

I don't know what I like. 

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Who doesn't know what s/he likes? 

Whenever someone asks me, "Where I would like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care. Wherever you want to go is fine."  Whenever someone asks me, "What would you like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care.  I'm flexible." Whenever someone says, "Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?" I always say, "It doesn't matter to me.  What do you want to do?" 

It's like that for food, vacations, activities, dates, careers, etc.  

I suppose I do have preferences.  For example, my favorite snack is popcorn.  I enjoy playing in the garden.  I love to ride motorcycle.  I love beaches, books, and thrift stores.  

However, if someone were to ask me, I will always be evasive. I will always defer to their preferences.  Always.  And truly, it's not a point of angst.  I am happy to adjust to their desires and preferences.  If I am vehemently opposed, I will say something.  Yet, my priority is your happiness.  I don't want you to be sad, upset, or angry.  Most of the time I feel as though I will head all those off at the pass if we just do whatever you want to do.  

Why am I like this?  Well, let me give you an example. 

On Sunday, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, their kids, us and our kids all agreed to meet at Mom and Dad's lake place for lunch.  We hadn't seen each other for a while, so I initiated the conversation, and over the course of the week, my sister-in-law and I put together a menu.  No big deal.  

From where we were staying, the trip would take an hour.  Naturally, we got off to a bit of a slower start.  Not late, but we would make it just in time to slide in at noon. 

As we were making our way down the interstate, I could feel my anxiety rise.  The closer the clock ticked to noon, the more panicky I got.  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "Well, it's noon and nobody's here. I'm leaving.  I'm just going to go home."  And he has done it before too - just left - because he was pissy about something.  

And that's the way it's always been with him.  I learned from a very young age not to "poke the bear."  Just do whatever needs to be done and said to keep him from exploding and losing his shit.  Thus, when I first started dating my husband, and he would ask me what I wanted to eat/where I wanted to eat, my standard response was, "I don't care."  This was very aggravating to him, but since neither of us knew any better, he would just choose. 

Through Divine irony, we have a daughter who is pretty much like my dad.  And with her, I have taught myself to be as accommodating as possible so as to avoid "poking the bear."  

But the events of March 28 have abruptly interrupted that process.  Since that time I have been learning a ton about co-dependency, and how I am a perfect, textbook example of a co-dependent.  

Ok, fine.  Now I know.  Now, I want to change/do something about it.  The problem is that I don't know how and where to start.  

I have no idea who I am, what I prefer, and what I want the rest of my life to look like.  

For 51 years, I have been a compilation of everyone else's choices.  It's not their fault, and I'm not blaming them.  I created this monster myself.  The question is what to do about it.  How does one go about figuring out who she is?  

Any suggestions on this question would be greatly appreciated. 

Gasping to Live

 My last post was March 24, 2021.  

I quit breathing on March 28, 2021. 

Your first thought after reading that sentence is probably incorrect. Let me explain. 

As we know, one can only hold his/her breath for so long until one of two things have to happen: You take a breath or you die. 

It's amazing how humans can have a will to live even when they don't have a will to live.  In other words, your entire physiology is programmed to live at all costs.  The autonomic mind and body work sybiotically work to survive even when the thinking mind is ready to give up.  

That's basically what it's been like from March 28 to now.  My mind and body have been on autopilot to survive; the rest of me has been numb. Mentally, I have tried hard to stand in one place.  To venture out of the safe space would mean stepping off a cliff into something I just can't deal with.  

What happened?  

Well, here is the kick in the pants.  I can't tell you.  It's not my story to tell.  And for the last 51 years of my life, it has never been my story to tell.  The antagonists have changed over time, but the story is the same, more or less.  

As usual, someone else's shit has splattered all over me, and while I have choices as to how to deal with it, I don't have choices as well.  

It's complicated.

Suffice it to say, I can function, as needed, on a daily basis. I can smile, charm, care, encourage, complete my job with proficiency, and for all practical purposes, carry on like my life is stable, predictable, and enjoyable.  

But it's not.  

This week, in particular, has been rough.  I have been itchy within my own skin (literally and figuratively).  I am agitated, irritated, angry, just generally out of sorts, and I don't know what has caused it.

I know that I have not been accountable.  I have set the same weekly goal for myself for a month to six weeks, and have not followed through on it.  Every time that I planned to do it, there was always an interruption.  And I don't have an accountability partner, so the only one who can make me do anything is myself.  

That's another thing:  As usual, I am annoyed by the fact that those "in the know" have not been checking in on me.  I mean, seriously.  This is a big deal, and seriously, how many times have I been there for you??

But again, I'm reminded of my newly-discovered status.  I am co-dependent.  Like unbelievably co-dependent.  The discovery of which has rocked my world.  Finally, I have an explanation for my mindset and actions.  I do for others, get mad when they aren't grateful, and get sour when they don't reciprocate, even though I would rather crawl into a hole to have them even try.  

It's complicated.  

Co-dependency has swallowed up the last 51 years of my life.  It was a pattern I learned as a kid - a response to the MENTAL ILLNESS who absorbed most of the time and energy of my family.  "Don't poke the bear" has been my unspoken mantra all my life.  Just do whatever needs to be done.  Just smoothen the way for the irrational unpredictability of the MENTAL ILLNESS to avoid the shit splatter.  But guess what?  In spite of best efforts, the shit splatter always happened anyway.  Go figure.  

So now, here I am, at age 51, trying to figure out who the eff I am, what the eff I want, and how to un-learn all these self-destructive, self-centered, self-absorbed thoughts and actions to find the life that God wants me to have.  

This is extremely difficult.  

For the entire depth and breadth of my life, I have deferred to everyone else, always.  What do I want to do?  Whatever you want to do.  What do I want to eat?  Whatever you want to eat.  I have no preference. Where do I want to go?  Wherever you want to go.

I don't have a clue what I actually like, prefer, or want.  No idea.  I don't even know where to start.  It's very overwhelming.  

Maybe that's why I am so out of sorts this week.

Actually, I think it's partially because I see other people thriving.  Like moving ahead in life and going after their dreams, while I sit and spin, trying to figure out what my actual dreams are.  Good for them, but it effing sucks for me.  I feel kind of like one of those chocolate Easter bunnies.  It looks good on the outside, but once you break off a piece, you realize that it's hollow inside.  That's me.  The hollow Easter bunny.  I don't know who I am.  

I suppose I should be somewhat grateful for the events of March 28, and I guess there is a part of me that is.  Without it, who knows when I would have learned all this about myself?  So now, I am in the process of taking short, hiccupy breaths. It's like gasping on the re-surface after being under water for too long.  That first breath isn't a big one, but it's enough for the moment, but hey, it's still a breath.  It's an outward sign that I might be willing to go on.  

I don't know what comes next.  I do know that I have to do something.  Just one effing thing.  Once I do one thing, it will make it easier to do the next thing. . .and the next. . .and the next.  

Breath in.  Breath out.  Breath in.  Breath out.  

What's in your. . .past?

My daughter has severe anxiety.  The diagnosis is hers. The word, severe, is mine.  Due to a compilation of life events, she is pretty fragile. I know that's almost cliche to say these days, but for her, it's true.  It doesn't take much for her to crumble - a cross look, a sharp word, the fear of the unknown. It's all enough to shut her down completely.  Such was the case when she went to the doctor yesterday.

As is par for the course, she ended up having to wait to see her doctor.  For most of us, we don't love the waiting part, but we are usually ok to sit with our own thoughts.  In today's busy world, we don't get much time to just sit and think.  

For my daughter, the wait time is lethal.  Her mind goes into overdrive, and she works herself into a complete tizzy.  I can't say for certain what is all passing through her mind, but I just know that she is a basket of nerves when she has to wait for anything.  

As a result, as soon as she got into the examination room and her doc asked, "How are you?"  She went into meltdown mode, sobbing and spilling.  Fortunately, she has a nice, patient doctor, who was soothing, caring, and consoling.  

I know all this because my daughter shared the minutiae of her appointment with me - ok, well, at least, the details that I was allowed to hear.  When she was finished relaying the details, I asked if she had shared a significant occurence from last year - it was a defining event, something that I would classify as a need-to-know for the doc.

"No," she responded.  "I think there are just certain things that people don't need to know about." 

I didn't give that comment much thought at the time, but now, I'm stewing on it.  

I think it's safe to say that we ALL have "certain things that people don't need to know about."  These are our hidden shames, our don't-speak-aloud moments, our dark blemishes that we work very hard to keep pressed down, covered, and buried.  To us, these are the unforgiveables - the choices, events, and actions that would result in a relationship breaking point.  Our fear is that when exposed, those around us who claim to love and support us, will stare open-mouthed and appalled, shake their heads, turn away, saying, "Nope, I just can't.  That's over the line." 

Of course, that's not true.  But the truth is that we can't forgive ourselves.  Somewhere along the line, we have violated our own definition of good and acceptable behavior as well as the standard we set for ourselves. As a result, we torture ourselves, in isolation - we keep it as a private, masochistic reminder of how unworthy we are. 

Although I knew this already, it's like I just realized that everyone walks around with these secrets.

Everyone.

There are no exceptions to this.  Every person I know, every person I meet, every person I see has a secret shame. We all suffer in silence, but 

It doesn't have to be that way. 

The fact that we are all fallible beings with hurts, guilt, and regrets should allow us to ease up on the meanness we feel toward ourselves, and it certainly should invalidate any meanness that people show each other.  

The people with the deepest hurt and shame are the meannest.  Their pain is so great, so heavy and overwhelming that they want others to hurt as well.  The load is too much to bear, so they spill the load and their out-of-control, caged-animal emotions on those around them.  

But why.  I mean, seriously, why? 

If we are all in the same boat, why don't we cling to each other instead of throw each other over the side? Why do we hide? Why do we throw a tarp over ourselves? 

Given what I have seen in my 50 years, I can't think of time when someone has walked away from another who has revealed a deep, shameful hurt.  In fact, I have seen quite the opposite - people rushing in to comfort, offer aid, and reaffirm.  

And yet, we still resist confessing the truth and persist in keeping our secrets. . .secret.  

Nothing will be solved in this post.  I can't change human nature.  The only person I can change and control is myself.  Thus, there are two takeaways for me today.  First, I have a different perspective of others.  Not huge or anything, but a perspective of understanding that we ALL carry something.  Thus, gentleness and kindness are better choices than criticism or negativity.  Second, I, too, have repressed secrets - things that I don't want anyone to know, but maybe it's time that I unearth them.  My story may inspire someone else to tell his or her story, and together, we begin the process of healing.  

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37: 4

 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

Somewhere along the line, I decided (or maybe it was decided for me) that I was going to focus on God's Promises.  I probably read something in my devotions that made me think of it.  Anyway, I came across a web-site that listed them, and this is one that caught my eye.

Recently, I started reading about the purpose of prayer in my "big book" of Oswald Chambers.  He talked about the purpose of prayer is to get to know God better.  

For most of my life, I have regarded prayer as almost a grocery list.  Yes, I have purposely started the prayer in showing gratitude to God and praising Him for who He is, but then, I would launch off into my laundry list of concerns - listing those on my heart as well as the reasons why they are concerning to me.  

After reading Chambers's comments, I started thinking about my prayers, and it dawned on me that I have spent the bulk of my prayer life in telling God what I wanted. In essence, I have been telling God what to do, trying to direct His action to where and what I thought needed to be done.  

God does not need my help or advice.  Not at all.  He already knows what everybody needs.  He already knows how the story ends.  He has already planned the perfect ending. What have I been thinking - trying to tell the God of the Universe how He should run His rodeo.  The presumption. What I have always regarded as piety and faith is nothing of the sort.  It's the exact opposite.  In my conversation, I have been sending Him the message that I know better than He how to take care of business. 

He has been most patient with me, enduring my adolescent prayer approach.  I imagine Him smiling indulgently at me, as one does with a three-year-old who is telling a story.  

Three year olds often drone on and on, adding far more details than are necessary. They often go off on tangents, even forgetting the original purpose and direction of the story.  The child is oblivious; s/he is caught in his/her own world.  Self-absorbed, the child lacks the wherewithal to pick up on the non-verbal cues from the listener.  Meanwhile, the listener starts amused, but grows increasing annoyed.  

I don't think God has been annoyed with me.  I think He is appreciative of the fact that I want to spend time with Him at all.  But I would imagine He is a little sad that I don't "get it."  I mean, come on.  I'm fifty.  I should have figured out by now what prayer is and what God wants it to be.  

Anyway, after thinking about it, I tried a new approach on Friday.  Rather than launch off into my please-God list, I just repeated "God is Sovereign" over and over and imagined all the different ways and places in which He is sovereign.  

I can't remember the last time I felt such peace.  Seriously.  I was in a place that I did not want to leave.  I was content. I felt safe.  When I finally roused myself so that I could go to work, I felt a bouyancy in going to work.  It's hard to explain. 

I think that is the message in the promise.  "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  

In the past, I have looked at the word, desires, as in my desires - that which I want, or my "list." But the true desire of my heart is a longing for Him.  It is a desire to be in relationship with Him. It is a desire to know and be known.  It is a desire to love and be loved.  It is a desire for safety, peace, and belonging.  It is when I quiet my mind and heart that I find Him.  

And that is what prayer is for.  

Reading His Word, spending time with Him in prayer, inviting His Holy Spirit, serving Him, moving when He prompts, loving the unlovable, seeking Him in nature. . .all of these are ways for us to grow in Him, to spend time to with Him, to abide in Him. 

These are all the ways in which we take delight in Him, and these are all the ways in which He gives us the desires of our hearts.

I try to keep. . .because

 Today's prompt is I try to keep. . .because. . .

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak.  I suppose that could be regarded in two different ways: The physical and the spiritual.  Let's talk about the latter first because it's easier.

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this - an eternity with Christ - because otherwise, life seems pointless and bleak.  Let's face it; life on Earth is pretty sucky right now, and I'm not just talking about Covid.  The marginalized spirituality that I see and have to endure is often more than I can take.  I find myself asking, "Do you really believe that?" in my head quite often whenever someone surprises me with a clearly NON-Biblical belief or justification.  It's disappointing.  I suppose I sound super-judgy for saying that, but I truly wonder how many people are actually cracking open their Bibles and really reading them.  I'm not talking about a superficial pass over the words; I'm talking about an in-depth mediation over the meaning.  

It seems these days that people are quick to take the parts of the Bible they like and reject the rest.  I suppose that has been happening forever, but obviously, it's on my radar because I live in the here and now and have to deal with it. 

Likewise, I believe people have become confused.  They often intermingle tolerance and love as being one in the same.  Not so.  They believe that being tolerant is a form of love.  It's actually the opposite. Not hate, exactly, but if you allow someone to believe and act in a way that is contradictory to what you know is morally true (as in, it says it in the Bible - our only true, infallible resource when it comes to how to live), then you are actually being not only indifferent but harmful to their spiritual destiny.  It's not love.  That's for sure.  

I don't go looking for fights.  I try to let my life do the talking for me.  If I live with integrity - reflecting the values I believe - I am hoping that this is a message that resonates.  As I read, this seems to be what God wants from me.  As Oswald Chambers said this morning, God doesn't need to me to do things FOR Him; He needs me to do things WITH Him.  He has all the power and influence in the world.  He doesn't need me to mess up His plan with my well-intentioned but ill-stated words and actions. He just needs me to come alongside and act and speak as He requests.  

This is what give me hope. Life isn't as bleak when I know how the story ends.  

The phrase, I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak, also applies to my current employment situation.  

There does not seem to be any movement in another direction.  I've tried twice, but to no avail.  No response even.  Maybe no response is a response.  Maybe I'm suppose to stay put.  Right now, that feels bleak, mostly because I'm so unhappy.

As I know, happiness is built on physical conditions and circumstances.  I am allowing the physical to determine and manipulate my level of happiness.  Overall, what I need to do is really isolate those aspects of this job that are making me unhappy and address them specifically.  I have agency over some of it.  For example, I am super-pissy about working every night.  No one is making me work. I feel compelled to do the work, only because of an inner drive.  Quite honestly, I'm not even sure that the inner drive is even admirable.  It almost sounds a little like a pride issue to me.  So, yes, I think I am making myself unhappy, which is almost always the case for everyone.  And then, I end up thinking that I'm being disrespected because I'm unappreciated for going the extra mile when no one expects me to. It's really kind of stupid now that I think about it. 

Next, what I do is not bleak or pointless.  Not at all.  I serve an important purpose in kids' lives.  I am there.  I am present.  I notice them.  I nurture them.  I hold them accountable.  I challenge them.  In short, I parent them, and for some, they need it.  My intention is to help mentor and grow admirable adults of integrity (and that word has multiple meanings).  

Once again, I have been really short-sighted, playing the victim which is something I detest in others. I truly am the protagonist here.  If I don't like something in the story, I can just change it.  I am the author and the hero. I guess I need to be my own champion too because no one else is going to do it for me.  

I think I have it wrong.  I should not be focused on what's beyond; I should be focused on the right now.  Being fully present.  Looking too far ahead will make me miss the opportunities that God has put into my path for right now.  He wants me to come alongside His endeavors, not plan them for Him.  Being in the moment, and relishing it, is what happiness is.  

What is Beauty?

 On a whim, I bought myself some red roses the other day at the local market.  Although I love all things green and colorful, there is something about a rose that fascinates me.  

While the scent is intoxicating, and the varieties are breathtaking, it's the coil that does it for me.  The tighter and larger the center coil of rose petals, the more I admire it.  The result is a large, full, eye-catching bud/bouquet.

What is it about the coil? Perhaps I admire the perfection of it - the way in which all the buds lie one on top of the other in perfect symmetry.  Each hip, combined with all the others, creates a remarkable piece of art.  It is a picture of beauty, in which all the pieces must work together to achieve the desired effect of flawlessness.

Today, as I pulled the bouquet out of the vase to refresh the water, I noticed that two were already wilty. After pulling them out, I decided that they weren't ready for the trash yet, so I pulled the hips off and put them into a bowl.  

Even though they were no longer a part of the bouquet, even though they were no longer no longer nestled together in perfectly-constructed layers, they were still beautiful.  Each hip was still a brilliant red.  Each hip was still glossy and silky.  Each hip was still valuable, beautiful and worthy on its own.  

Isn't that like us?  We pride ourselves and admire each other for seemingly-perfect symmetry.  When it seems as though all the layers - work, home, church, etc - or the people in our lives are seemingly-ideally aligned, we congratulate ourselves and others on the success - the beauty of achievement.

But here's the deal.  The beauty of a moment is fleeting.  Just as a bouquet lasts only for a short time, so does that which we call perfection.  People chase that moment their whole lives, always wanting to recapture that feeling - of success, of admiration, of accomplishment. I think they are missing the point.

The whole is made up of pieces.  Just as each rose hip is necessary to create a marvelous bouquet, so are the rose hips of our lives.  

These rose hips are sometimes lovely and wonderful.  Just as often, they are ugly or difficult.  Always, there is beauty, if we choose to look for it. Likewise, the combination of them all creates the bouquet of our lives.  It is a unique fragrance, created just for each one.  Each hip is valuable, beautiful, and worthy on its own. 

The moment we begin to truly see each hip for what it is, the moment when we begin to see other's hips for what they are, is the moment when we will see the beauty of life and the importance of grace. 

Being a 2: The Altruist/Helper

When I'm listening to podcasts, I often hear people reference their ennegram number.  I couldn't remember if I had actually done that assessment in the past, so I just took the quiz this morning.  According to my results, I am a 2: The Altruist or Helper.  

I suppose that's true enough.  I usually put my whatever aside so that I can help someone else with their whatever, usually their emotional whatever.  It sounds well enough, and it is, but it is also the very thing I whine most about - the fact that I often put aside my own dreams and aspirations to help someone reach his/hers. Many times in my head, I have seen the visual of me on the ground, acting as the base, while others stand on my shoulders to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve.  People see the "flyer," but they don't see the base.  That gets frustrating for me.  Of course, I would never admit that to someone else. It's safer just to plunk it out here. 

The ironic part in all that is that I do NOT like attention.  It seems as though I am whining BECAUSE I want to be noticed, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Whenever my efforts for assistance are acknowledged, I get really uncomfortable.  That's mostly because I believe that this is just a cornerstone of life - to help one another when needed.  

My whining stems from the fact that I do not get to see my dreams and aspirations come to fruition.  And it's my own damn fault.  I do NOT want anyone else's help; I want to do it on my own.  But in being a helper, I always put aisde my own schedule and plans when someone else needs help.  Basically, I sabotage myself, and then, I have the audacity to whine about it.  Pfft.  How stupid.  

The question that arises, of course is why do I do that?  The easy answer is that I HATE to see anyone in pain. I HATE for anyone to feel alone and despondent.  I HATE for anyone to feel hope-less. I feel compelled to be the person I needed.  There have been times in my life when I have really been in teh gutter.  The people whom I assumed would be there to NOTICE and subsequently help me walk through the gutter (not carry me) were not there.  For a variety of reasons, they did not SEE me.  Sometimes, it was because they were too busy.  Sometimes, it was because they were self-centered (and I would say many people fall into this category).  Sometimes, it was because they did just did not want to (too much time and effort). Sometimes, it was because they did not know how and were afraid to try.  All of the time, it sent a clear message to me that I was not important to them.  I ido not ever want to be THAT person.

As a result, I have become about as self-sufficient as one can become.  Actually, that's not true.  I have become extremely God-dependent.  I wish I could add, "as one can become," but I know that I still have a long way to go. Yes, I take care of my own own emotional business, with God's help.  I have learned not to rely on others.  This leads to disappointment in others, which almost always turns into anger for me. When this happens, the anger poisons the relationship (for me), and I no longer want to be associated with the person.  For now, I keep people at arm's length. That keeps me safe and not judgmental.  

That still does not address the problem at hand.  What to do about my own failings when it comes to my dreams, goals, and aspirations.  I have said for years, and have yet to really make it happen, that I need to protect my schedule.  I need to protect the time I allot for myself and my endeavors.  Hold the line.  But it never really happens.  My plans will crumble at a moment's notice when I am "needed."

But here's a thought: Am I always needed?  I may be the first impulse for some people, but am I THE only one who can help?  Perhaps by jumping in all the time I am thwarting progress for someone else?  Perhaps the person him or herself needs to learn more God-dependency.  I do not want to send the message that I don't care, but boundaries are incredibly important and healthy.  Perhaps I am interrupting the development of altruism in someone else? It's a thought. But I still believe that God has gifted me (or perhaps it has been developed based on my human experiences) with the intuition and awareness to KNOW when I am needed.  The Bible is pretty clear that I am to LOVE, to be AVAILABLE, to SHOW HOSPITALITY, etc.  The Bible is also pretty clear that God will give me the desires of my heart in due time (His time).

So what do I do now?  How do I find and have peace? Do what He calls me to do.  Live in such relatioship with Him that my desires, aspirations, and dreams reflect His.  It is truly in being one with Him that I find true Joy in being who I am. That is where I find peace.  That is where I find fulfillment and contentment.  That is who I was made to be.  I have been listening too much to the world.  It tells me that that "I" and "me" are the two most important words.  They are not.  That is a worldly focus.  That's what got us as a human race in trouble in the first place.  God's purposes for my life are best.  He knows me better than anyone else - truly knows what I think, worry about, care about, etc. As a result, He knows best how and where and why to find joy and purpose in my life.  

The world may say that I am a 2. The world may say that I am an INFJ.  God says, "You are mine, Beloved."  I see you. I hear you.  I made you. I know you.  Trust me to show you all the beauty, happiness, joy, peace, and blessing there is for you.  Trust me.  Rest in me.  

Ephesians 3: 17-19: May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Either way, I win.

 Believe it or not, I actually did it.  On Tuesday afternoon, I finished the application and submitted my credentials.  Right before I pushed “Submit,” I prayed over it.  God’s Will be done. 

This afternoon, as Mike and I were finishing our walk, I came to a sort of epiphany.  Well, epiphany sounds like quite a high-falutin’ word, but it was a sort of resolution.  

Either way, I am fine.  Either way, I will be fine.  

Scenario 1:  Should God decide that I’m ready for something new, then it’s game on.  If all of my life’s experiences have assimilated in this moment, and it’s time to surge forward, then, I’m ready to do it. The new situation could involve working with adults only (good and bad).  The new situation will involve constant problem-solving, creative thinking, growth and innovation.  It may involve travel. It will mean moving into the adult world - earning respect and collaborating.  It will be taxing but energizing at the same time.  It will mean working with people all the time, which will be exhausting and draining for me, but energizing at the same time. 

Scenario 2:  Should God decide that I need to stay where I am, then I will still work for Him, but I will not wok at the same pace, nor will I give of the best parts of myself to this job anymore.  There will be no more working until the late hours of the night.  There will be no more innovation.  I will lower my expectations to the basement floor.  I will not expect anything of my students.  If they are present and do anything at all, they will pass the class. There will be no conflict.  No one will say my name with pride anymore, and we will all wait for me to retire.  

All of my creativity and innovation will be poured into my endeavors:  writing and other creative projects.  What is mine will be available for the right price.  

Likewise, my summers and evenings will be dedicated to family and me.  I will help out at The Goodness as needed or spend time with my grandkids.  There is no downside here. 

Either way, I will win.  

I’m tired of being the loser.  All. The. Time.  

I have given all, and all has been taken.  

And not appreciated.  

It is time for me to take care of me and what is mine. 

Either way, I win. 

How to Make Friends

My daughter called late last night.  She was on the way home from a friend's and wanted to de-compress, I guess.  As we tripped along various topics, we landed on the subject of friendships. 

Her greatest desire these days is to have one true friend - the kind of person you can share all your deepest, darkest secrets with and someone who will not judge.  Essentially, she is describing a spouse, but she doesn't know that.  Since I have been married for 30+ years, I see very clearly that this is the relationship she yearns for, but she hasn't met "the one" who will be that person for her.  

I tried to tell her that friendship (apart from marriage) is best when it isn't exclusive.  You need to spread your friendship eggs around and put them into a variety of baskets.  It's safer that way.  I also explained to her that different friendships serve different purposes.  For example, there are work friends, church friends, hobby friends, etc.  Each type of friend is useful and necessary for different reasons.  To explain, work friends will understand your complaints and inside jokes about work, whereas your family and other friends just won't get it.  As a result, most friendships are fluid.  They last for a while, and then, they are done.

She, of course, didn't like hearing that.  She is looking for ultimate loyalty and longevity, neither of which are possible in consideration the nature of humanity. People are selfish.  When the going gets rough, it is rare for a friend to hang in there until the bitter end.  Your spouse - your ultimate friend (if you have chosen wisely) is the only who will be there through the final round, and s/he will be the one to hand you the towel, rub your back, and bind your wounds or celebrate your win - whichever the situation requires.  S/he is the only who care more about you than the circumstance, and is someone who truly loves you care more about you than themselves.  

Like I said, most friends won't make it that far.  And unfortunately, for my daughter, these are the kinds of selfish garbage friends she has had in her life thus far. 

Anyway, that's not the point of what I'm writing about anyway.

As I was talking to her, I started thinking about friendship, trying to think of advice to give her about making friends since this is so important to her.  As we age, I think it gets tougher and tougher to make friends, mostly because we get set in our ways about the company we keep.  Either we want no company and prefer to be on our own, or we settle into the relationships we have because they are comfortable and require no fuss (kind of like a well-worn shoe). 

Even so, in my musings, I came to this conclusion.  If you want to make a friend, you have to pay attention to what they want and give it to them. Remember: people are selfish. 

So what do I mean by that? 

Most people will show you what they want in a friendship.  It is up to you to be observant and fill the need. For example, the way in which they show love to others is almost always the way in which they want to be shown love. 

For example, I have a friend who likes to give small gifts but write long messages in cards to go with the gift.  The card will be filled with descriptive compliments, celebrating the recipients qualities.  While I appreciate these gifts and cards, I have picked up on an important cue from that friend.  Words are extremely important to her.  Since she puts careful thought, time, and attention to what she says to friends, she longs for the same thing to return to her.  She wants to hear how she is special, unique, and beneficial to the world.  It's up to me to pick up on that cue and return it.  That is how friendship is established.  

I have another friend who gives the most thoughtful gifts.  They are specifically chosen for the recipient; the gift will only make sense and be meaningful to the recipient.  This, too, has taught me how to be a friend to her.  She appreciates thoughtful gifts in which I have remembered a small, but significant detail - that I have retained and remembered our conversations and that which is most important to her.

Now, of course, these all reflect our love languages: Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have friends in all these categories, but the categories themselves don't matter.  What matters is that I have paid attention; they have shown me what they want and need from relationship.  I have provided that. As a result, we have developed a friendship.  

And that's what I need my daughter to know.  To gain friends, you just need to pay attention and give people what they need.  If they are potential friendship material, they will reciprocate.  If they don't, walk away.  These people are takers. All they do is sop up all your energy, violate boundaries, and leave you depleted.  

It may sound a little harsh, but it's true.  The unfortunate part is that most 20-somethings are quite self-involved. We all were at some people, and most of us grow out of it.  To be a 20-something means having to deal with and sift through a lot of selfishness.  It can be exhausting, but honestly, that's why we were all put on this earth.  First, to glorify God, and second, to love each other.  That means we can't give up the quest to build relationships.  

So to summarize, how do you gain a friend? Observe. First question: Is this person someone I want to know better? Second question: How do they love and love on others?  When you know the answer, send it back to them and watch the friendship grow. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 3

  "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

Tonight the "good thing" that comes to mind is freedom.

One of the ways in which Satan keeps us, keeps me from moving forward is bondage.  I find myself bound by my past mistakes.  I am bound by the replay of the garbage I tell myself.  I am bound by fear, most of it imaginary.  

I'm generally not very nice to myself.  The way in which I talk to myself and treat myself is a far cry from the way I would treate or talk to others.  I have terrible guilt and shame complexes.  For most of my life, I feel as though I have been living according to a Catholic ideal - doing good deeds to try to make up for the bad that I've done.  God never said I had to do that; I impose that idea and practice upon myself.  

As a result, I live a very unfulfilling life.  Yes, I am dutiful, and yes, I am supportive and encouraging of others, but I am not very fulfilled at all.  Yes, it makes me feel good to do for others, but no, I am not accomplishing anything that I personally want to accomplish.  In theory that sounds ok - living an others-oriented life, but because it feels as though there is a hole, it is not ok. 

Actively sharing my faith - loving others AND rolling guilt, shame, worry, fear, anger, etc, off my shoulders onto God's helps me to understand every good thing that God wants for me.  He does not want me to walk around feeling guilty and ashamed.  He wants me to live a joy-filled life of love.  He wants me to use everything I have and am to glorify Him.  That's why I was created.  

So how does the sharing of my faith lead me to freedom? For one, it shifts the focus from myself to someone else.  It shifts my focus to God and what He has done for me/us, and it shifts my focus onto the person in front of me.  It's not about me.  I'm not thinking about, worrying about, or stressing over myself, which seems to be the center of trouble when it comes to depression.  

I just really love the latter half of that verse: , , , "you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."  Oh, how I would love to really understand every good thing.  It seems like most mornings, I sit on the floor and whine to God about all that is on my mind and all that is making me upset.  Wouldn't it be lovely to spend my minutes in prayer celebrating every good thing. Of course, that line of thinking is up to me.  I choose what I want to focus on.  I choose whether or not to fret or send those worries on down the road.  The choice is up to me.  It's time to not only actively LIVE my faith but share it as well.  

If two of us are committed to sharing our faith, we encourage one another.  We leave no room for Satan to enter in and bind us.  And the more we share, the larger the circle gets until Satan can't penetrate the circle. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 2

 "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I missed yesterday due to my job, which has been the story of my life for the last 28 years.  Personal goals and lives seem to always be expected to be sacrificed at the altar of teaching, which is not ok at all.

Anyway, I think I will consider the first part of that verse today - "active in sharing your faith." What does it mean to be active?  I think the first idea that comes to a lot of people's minds is sharing what you believe - like physically telling people.  I also think that is probably about the least effective way of going about business.  If you're a check-the-box kind of person, verbally sharing is a fast and "easy" way to actively share your faith, but it's also a big turn-off to most of the people on the planet.

As a human race, we spend all our days, hearing (not necessarily listening) people tell us things. The funny-no-so-funny aspect about that is that most humans know that this is the least satisfactory method, earning the worst track record for learning longetivity.  People have short attention spans and truly "hear" only a small portion of the message.  That said, if one is relying on a verbal presentation to check the box, s/he is getting the task done, but not being very effective.  Plus, in addition to failing in delivering the message to the listener, what is the actual benefit to the speaker?  I'm sure s/he gains confidence in relaying his/her message; i.e, the more you do it, the more comfortable you are in doing it. But other than that, what?  It's not going to be like s/he is gaining any friends in that method? 

As I think about being "active in sharing your faith," I think about action.  That's where the word, "active," comes from.  People really don't care that much about words; they care more about action and integrity.  Who is the person behind the words?  I am more apt to listen to someone if I actually respect him/her.  That means I will be watching and gauging his/her words and behavior first before I listen to a message. 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act under pressure.  Do you explode in anger?  Do you let the cuss words fly?  Do you chew out and/or blame others? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act when you presume no one is watching.  Are you kind to all - the person who opens doors at a hotel? The customer service person who does returns at Walmart? The customer service rep on the phone who doesn't make the policies but who has to take the abuse of angry customers? The person in front of you? 

Actively sharing your faith is the little kindnesses you do that are so small that they go unnoticed but are definitely a huge part in a day's functioning.  For example, do you load the copier when the paper is low?  Do you unjam the machine, even if it isn't your fault? Do you do a little prep work for the colleague who is running behind? Do you say thank-you for every kindness, no matter how large or small? Do you recognize others before yourself? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you talk about others when you're not in church or around church people.  Do you participate in gossip? Do you listen to the gossip, which is an implicit act of acceptance, or do you walk away?  Do you use derogatory language, racial slurs or make racist or sexist remarks? Are you hyper-critical of others, especially and often conveniently "forgetting" your own short-comings? Are you more self-less or selish?

You might think I'm being all uppity in asking these questions, but what you don't know if that I'm asking them more of myself than anyone else. I'm doing a dipstick check of myself to see if I'm being a total dipstick.  Am I actually, actively sharing my faith? 

I think there is a reason why that part comes first in the verse.  We are meant to really consider our present reality because IT affects that back half of the verse.  If we are consistent in being mindful and authentic in actively sharing our faith, it WILL give us a practical, whole understanding of every good thing that WE have (have been given/shown) in Christ.  It also leads us to the good life that Christ wants for us.  

That's enough for today.  I have to do to a staff meeting.  We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Philemon 1:6: Part 1

 The verse that chose me this week is Philemon 1:6.  Is it really even 1? There are no other chapters? Anyway, I am committed to writing about this verse all week.

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I wonder what that last half all encompasses - an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ? One good thing that comes to mind is peace.  I really need that right now.  I feel very unsettled, especially tonight.  

I have had a terrible day, mostly because I have been a terrible person all day.  It started this morning even before I left for work.  My daughter is always on my mind, and since Saturday night, she has been seriously ghosting.  She said she would call on Sunday, and she ghosted me all day and was even belligerent.  Naturally, I woke up last night, all in a dither - like heart palpitations and the whole enchilada.  I have started this new thing now - where my muscles seize, like tighten up - from my legs to my chest.  It feels like the edge of a panic attack.  Anyway, it's happened twice and always in the middle of the night.  It's not just Erika; it's any particular thing that has been nagging me.  So yes, the first good thing I crave is peace.

What would it be like to have true peace?  To be relaxed and unfazed by the swirling chaos.  Most of the time, I'm ok during the day, but even today, that was not true.  This morning, I felt it creeping in as soon as the two-page checklist went up on the screen, which was immediately followed by the out-of-control-sized Padlet.  It was too much.  I started crying, so it was a good thing I was in my room by myself.  I was kind of stupid and confessed my upset to Candace.  I'm sure that worried her and Nick (from whom I got a pretty nice text this afternoon). 

I think I have become so busy at praying for and worrying about everyone else's peace that my own has suffered.  The world is an absolutely icky place right now: Covid, restrictions, distance/synchronous learning, mental illness everywhere, plus just the regular, on-going worries.  

How does actively sharing my faith tie to experiencing peace? If you confess it to others enough, it actually becomes true for you - like, say something over and over enough, and eventually, it transfers to action? Maybe by saying it over and over again, you have the repeated reminder.  That's true for me. I read my devotions in the morning, and it is a powerful experience at the time, but throughout the course of the day, I get further and further away from that truth.  That's part of the reason why I am challenging myself to memorize Scripture this year.  Look at what happened today, as an example. I read my devotions.  Oswald Chambers, in particular, left an impression (even though I can't tell you what he said right now - I just remember the emotion attached to it), but as the day went on, I acted more and more like a total jackass, an absolute abomination to everything that I believe.  So shameful.  

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." Philemon 1:6

I have no answer tonight.  I will write again tomorrow. 

Cherry-Picking is Wrong

 “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.” Titus 3:1

During devotions, this was the verse I read this morning.

In my lifetime, I can count on one hand the number of leaders under whom I have been led and for whom I have had deep respect and admiration. Although I haven’t always agreed with their decisions, values, and direction, I have tried to be respectful and compliant to those in authority over me. Tried. Have I always been successful? No, not by a long shot. Although my hot temper has cooled considerably over the years, I’m still working on my over-active, often-critical, and ever-sarcastic mouth. When I have been out of line, I have apologized.

My point is this: People like to cherry-pick Bible verses and grab only the ones, or pieces of ones, that align with their current worldview. In the verse above, most people would probably be fine where it starts with “to be ready to do what is good” on down and skip the first part.

There is another verse that says, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. “ 2 Timothy 3:16 NLT. That’s means all of it, even and maybe especially the parts that make us a little chafy.

Until a leader asks me to do something that is in opposition to my faith and Scripture, I will press on and continue to strive to be respectful and compliant because that is what God has said He wants of me.

Out of the Ashes Springs New Life

Amidst my nerdery this morning (I was watching a documentary while walking on the treadmill), commentary from the narrator caught my ear and resonated. He said:

"In order to thrive, forests, large and small, depend on fire. Many conifers seal their cones with resin, which must burn away before the seeds can germinate. Out of the ashes springs new life. Trees are born in fire."

To quote someone else I know, "what's true in the physical is true in the spiritual."

In order to become whom we need to be, we all need to endure a fire. Most of us pass through many firestorms, and no one gets a free pass. It's true that the fires we experience are often unexpected, destructive and devastating right away. But from the ashes springs new life. Change is a part of life - some changes we get to control, and others we don't. But our attitude about the whole business is entirely within our control.

Becoming a Safe Place to Land

I just finished the book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel VanDerKolk.  It was recommended to me, and I was hooked from the moment I read the first page. 

Written from his well-researched viewpoint, VanDerKolk gives an in-depth analysis of trauma and how it impacts the full package - the physical body as well as the mind. There is just too much for me to discuss, and truly, I need to just buy my own copy and re-read it (I borrowed it from the public library). 

There were many times that I just sat and cried.  My tears were mostly for my daughter; trauma has hijacked her brain and body, and even now as I type it, my heart is cracking in two at the thought of all the relentless, repeating pain for that kid.  

It's such a damn rip-off.  One traumatic incident or event is all it takes to throw someone's life trajectory in a completely different, destructive, and certainly limiting direction.  And that's just one traumatic incident.  The staggering significance of multiple, compound, and even regular trauma is incredibly sobering and so very sad.  

Fortunately, there are many talented, thoughtful, and perceptive practioners like VanDerKolk, but what about the newbs or the straight-up crapheads (like Dr. Norman, the bozo that I had to deal with almost 30 years ago).  These people can do even more damage.  Ugh. The responsibility that accompanies the title of therapist is clear.  These people need to be moral, compassionate human beings - of the utmost integrity. Like I said, too much thinking.  

But as I wander the maze of trauma and its effects, I just found myself, face-first, in a wall.  The thought that stopped me cold in my tracks is that the worst reality in the world would be to learn that I have been the source of trauma for someone, most specifically, someone's first disappointment or experience with trauma.  Being the one who destroyed someone's child-like innocence.  Being the one who derailed someone else's train - for life.  

The thought of it causes a pain in my heart.  Literally.  

I know what that was like for me.  Although I don't remember the first time, I do remember traumatic incidents from my childhood.  Every time it happened, a wall around my heart was erected and/or fortified, and there were just certain people who were no longer allowed to cross over that wall. Even today, there is a barrier, one that I am unwilling to tear down.  

The first time it happens, it's a bewildering feeling in which you learn that the person you trusted is no longer trustworthy.  That person is not the picture you had created in your head and heart.  As adults, betrayal, disappointment. . .well, this is life.  It happens all the time.  And as you age, you get savvier (at least, most of us do) about people  - about the concept of keeping someone at arm's length to protect yourself. 

But as a child. . .you just naturally trust everybody.  You think of the world as a place filled with all good guys (and girls) in white Stetsons.  You don't worry because you know that all adults will catch you when you fall, protect you from harm, and love you.  And then.  It happens.  Trauma.  And suddenly a part of the child's skull is cracked or crushed in.  The damage is done.  Nothing can be done.  The scar, the distortion, the damage is there for life.  

God, I hope and pray that I have never been responsible for doing that to any child or adult.  Even now, I am crying as I write this.  The thought that I have caused anyone such irreparable pain is more than I can bear.  Lord, I hope I will not be standing before God someday, having to answer for things so horrific. 

And yet, I'm sure I have left my mark - and not a good one - on people throughout my lifetime.  Elementary, junior high, and high school friends and acquaintenances, customer service reps on the phone,  colleagues, and worst of all, my students, my husband, or my own kids.  It makes me sick to think of it, especially now that I have read this book and know/understand the lasting legacy of such damage as well as the years of therapy and brain re-training that is nececessary to improve the quality of life.  

I can't do anything about the past, but I sure as hell can use what I know for the future.  I know that I have made significant gains in the humanity department over the past five years for sure.  These are all gains I NEEDED.  God has allowed me to experience some really painful circumstances for a reason.  As a result, my empathy muscles have grown, and my ears work harder and longer than my mouth.  Lord, let my words and actions be a part of the healing process so that I can be someone's safe place to land after the plane of their lives has been attacked by enemy fire. 

Trust. Jump. Live. Quit

It's interesting that you can read something ten times but not have a strong reaction until the eleventh time.  Today was one of those days.  

Ok, to be fair, I had only read it once, but still.  Today, I felt as thought I had been slapped upside the head.

Here are the paragraphs:

"We all have capabilities.  For example, I'm a lawyer by training and have loads of states I can practice law in.  But just because I"m able to be a lawyer doesn't mean that I'm made to be a lawyer.  We don't need to do what we're merely capable of doing.  The trick is to figure out what we were made to do and then make some chnages to keep current with whom we've become.  We're all constantly changing.  We're new creations.  It's supposed to be this way.  Don't resist the change.  Go with it.  Don't be limited by what you excel at. Ask God to show you what the newest version of you was made to do.

Kids who are pressure too much to fit into a box that doesn't fit who they are turning into will let you know about it.  Many adults don't, though.  We tolerate jobs no longer meant for us.  The truth is, too many of us are a job of two behind what we've turned into.  You may have picked your career path because it's something you were competent at in college, but it's not you anymore" (Goff).

That blue part?  I think I can still see the handprint inside my head.  

In Spring 1990, I was about a month away from getting married.  I was also at the end of what collegians have dubbed "generals."  At the end of that quarter (we were still on the quarter system), I had to declare a major, or I would start paying for classes and credits that could potentially be "extra," as in extra expense because they could potentially not count toward a major. . .that is, whenever I decided on what that was.  

In short, I had to choose a major.  And I had to choose NOW. 

At that time, I considered what I was good at and interested in.  After some mulling, I narrowed it down to reading, writing, and speaking (as in, public speaking).  An English major?  Yeah, but as a soon-to-be newlywed about to embark on a new, and definitely poor, life, I reminded myself that we had to pay the bills too.  So, I modifed the English major to English Education.  

As I like to tell my students, and anybody else who wants to listen, I became a teacher by default.  

When I listen to my colleagues, most of them regale me with stories from their youth - lining up their dolls and/or siblings and "playing school."  They were always the teachers, of course.  Long story short, most of them knew that they wanted to be a teacher from a very young age.  

I did not.  I never played school. I played "store manager" or "business owner" or "Charlie's Angels."  Ok, that last one wasn't necessarily career-related, but still.  Being a teacher was never on my radar.  

And yet, I became one.  A pretty darn good one, I believe - the result of hard work, and many many long hours in the evenings and on weekends and over summers to become better at it, realistically striving to be the best version I could be.  My only competition was myself.  Perfection was the desired outcome, and as we know, perfection is unattainable, and worse, teaching is fickle, and often brutal.  And yet for 28 years, this has been my life.  

If I am honest with myself, I think that every year since I transferred to Willmar, I have questioned whether or not I should stay in this occupation.  Like I said, this job is brutal.  The public, mostly parents and fellow colleagues, are very judgmental and critical. Likewise, if kids don't like something, whether it's you, an assignment, or the way you do things, they are very blunt in telling you.  Additionally, there is no recognition for a job well done. Ironically, when a teacher goes the extra mile, s/he quickly learns that the extra effort is now and expectation, and so it goes.

And yet, it would be unfair to say that I have hated this job.  I haven't.  In the beginning, I loved everything about it. A common denominator over the past 28 years is that the kids are the saving grace of this job.  I have stayed this long only because of the kids.  I have had the privilege to meet, help and encourage some amazing people along the way. If I have been able to leave a positive lasting impression on them, I am humbled and grateful. For whatever the reason, the kids who are the most downtrodden, struggling and defeated are the most special to me.  If it wasn't for the kids, I would have throw in the towel long ago.  

Even though teaching has been extraordinarily difficult this year due to Covid, distance-learning, etc, I have felt a shift.  A noticeable shift.  Over the last five years, I have slowly shifted off-center, and now, it's undeniable.  I am seriously, seriously considering leaving the profession of teaching.

And then, I read  those two paragraphs this morning.

If many people are a job or two behind who they've turned into, then I am behind by at least ten.  The person I was at 22 is virtually unrecognizable to the 50 year old I now am.  The growth, the life experiences, the values, the priorities, the confidence level. . .EVERYTHING is different. Completely different.  

As Bob says, "You may have picked your career path because it's something you were competent at in college (or in my case, were desperate enough to grab in college), but it's not you anymore.  

It's true.  Teaching is not me anymore.  It's time for me to take what I've learned and grown and move on to a new place.  What is that place?

It could be in the mental health field.  The experiences I have endured over the last five have taught me a lot about mental health and how to live and walk alongside someone who is struggling mentally.  Covid has made people distraught - desperately distraught.  As a result, I predict that this is a field which will explode.  I have the wisdom and experience (both as a mom and a teacher) to continue serving (which is important to me). Rather than focus on a large group (classes full of students), I could now focus on one-on-one relationships. I love problem-solving, and this is a field in which I would be able to problem-solve to my heart's delight. 

One thing I have learned about myself and actually recognized through a podcast today (another slap upside the head) is that creativity is absolutely essential to me. If I trace the extra-curricular pursuits of my life (also called hobbies to some), they have always been creative. I have flitted (and still flit) from one creative project to another.  I am only happy when my hands and mind are busy and challenged.  If I don't know something, I find out.  I challenge myself to learn something new, to try.  I am unafraid of unknown tasks.  Thus, creativity will be a consideration for whatever I do next.  

All I know is that teaching is not it anymore.  It's just not.  But there is an opinion I value more than my own feelings, and it is God's.  I'm not making a move unless He directs it.  

And it seems as though He has:

My verse this week (I am memorizing Scripture this year) is 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

On Monday, my virtue card was Faith. It says "Faith is the wind in the sails of our dreams.  It gives us the strength to go on, not succumbing to doubt, fear, or hopelessness.  As we move forward, we are guided to the right path without having to make it happen." 

Monday's devotion in Streams in the Desert said: "The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts.  But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained.  And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wriging countless hearts of tears and blood.  Consequently, your own life becomes the hospital ward where you are taught the divine art of comfort.  You will be wounded so that in the binding up of your wounds by the Great Physician, you may learn how to render first aid to the wounded everywhere. . .Over the next ten years, you will find many others afflicted in the same way.  You will tell them how you suffered and were comforted." 

Another devotional on Monday said, "Be present in the moment. . .Don't worry about what may end or may not happen; stick by Jesus and trust He will work it all out in the end. . .No one is remembered for what they just planned to do. . .Sacrifice and commitment always travel with love and action." 

I don't know about you, but it kind of sounds to me as though God is leveling with me in a pretty straight forward way.  

I ask myself, If money wasn't an issue, would I stay or go?  The answer is swift and sure.  I would walk away in a heartbeat. 

I would walk away in a heartbeat.

So, basically, I am telling God, "Look, it sounds good, but I just don't think you will cover all my bases.  I feel like you will leave me hanging, so I need to stay so we have enough money to live." 

My faith is important to me.  I write about it, I talk about it, I think about it, and I try to live my life as a reflection of it.

But just not this one thing.  Money.  

Such arrogance.  I apparently think that I can run my life better than God, the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega of all existence, the Omniscient, Omnipresent One, the All-Powerful Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.

I can't believe I even wrote that paragraph.  What a fraud.  Yes, Missy B.  I am calling you out.  You big hypocrite.  Put your faith in action.  Trust and OBEY, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.  But to trust and obey.  

While I am so busy trying to control everything again (the foundation of ALL my problems), I'm losing sight of the fact that if this is truly ordained, whatever is on the other side is so much BETTER than anything I could ever imagine.  God only wants good for me.  He sets up the circumstances by which I find my JOY in living in Him.  What am I potentially missing out on by clinging to the safe but substandard, the familiar but frustrating, the life-sustaining but life-draining? 

All this reminds me of the time I was in 6th or 7th grade.  My mom had made my brother and me take swimming lessons since we were little (due to the fact that she and Dad couldn't swim, and they were both terrified of the water). I had passed through the ranks and was now taking Junior Lifesaving.

In order to get the coveted "Pass," which would earn us a post-swimming lesson ice cream cone, I had to jump off the high dive, something I was terrified to do.  The low dive? No problem.  The high dive? No. I had done it once before, and I had been terrified of the feeling of nothing under my feet.  A step off the board is a 12 foot free fall. Logically, I knew that it was no big deal.  Unfortunately, the pulsing, deafening whoosh of my heartbeats was blocking the message from my brain to my extremities.  I remember standing on the board for an uncomfortably long period of time.  The longer I stood there, the more terrified I became.  Finally, my swimming instructor (my pre-teen crush) started climbing the ladder, threatening to push me off the board.  And so I jumped.  And I lived. 

Make your faith bigger than your fears.  There is no one threatening to push me off the board.  I have to decide for myself if I am ready to jump.

Trust. Jump. Live. Quit.