Either way, I win.

 Believe it or not, I actually did it.  On Tuesday afternoon, I finished the application and submitted my credentials.  Right before I pushed “Submit,” I prayed over it.  God’s Will be done. 

This afternoon, as Mike and I were finishing our walk, I came to a sort of epiphany.  Well, epiphany sounds like quite a high-falutin’ word, but it was a sort of resolution.  

Either way, I am fine.  Either way, I will be fine.  

Scenario 1:  Should God decide that I’m ready for something new, then it’s game on.  If all of my life’s experiences have assimilated in this moment, and it’s time to surge forward, then, I’m ready to do it. The new situation could involve working with adults only (good and bad).  The new situation will involve constant problem-solving, creative thinking, growth and innovation.  It may involve travel. It will mean moving into the adult world - earning respect and collaborating.  It will be taxing but energizing at the same time.  It will mean working with people all the time, which will be exhausting and draining for me, but energizing at the same time. 

Scenario 2:  Should God decide that I need to stay where I am, then I will still work for Him, but I will not wok at the same pace, nor will I give of the best parts of myself to this job anymore.  There will be no more working until the late hours of the night.  There will be no more innovation.  I will lower my expectations to the basement floor.  I will not expect anything of my students.  If they are present and do anything at all, they will pass the class. There will be no conflict.  No one will say my name with pride anymore, and we will all wait for me to retire.  

All of my creativity and innovation will be poured into my endeavors:  writing and other creative projects.  What is mine will be available for the right price.  

Likewise, my summers and evenings will be dedicated to family and me.  I will help out at The Goodness as needed or spend time with my grandkids.  There is no downside here. 

Either way, I will win.  

I’m tired of being the loser.  All. The. Time.  

I have given all, and all has been taken.  

And not appreciated.  

It is time for me to take care of me and what is mine. 

Either way, I win.