So here is a new problem.
I don't know what I like.
Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Who doesn't know what s/he likes?
Whenever someone asks me, "Where I would like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care. Wherever you want to go is fine." Whenever someone asks me, "What would you like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care. I'm flexible." Whenever someone says, "Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?" I always say, "It doesn't matter to me. What do you want to do?"
It's like that for food, vacations, activities, dates, careers, etc.
I suppose I do have preferences. For example, my favorite snack is popcorn. I enjoy playing in the garden. I love to ride motorcycle. I love beaches, books, and thrift stores.
However, if someone were to ask me, I will always be evasive. I will always defer to their preferences. Always. And truly, it's not a point of angst. I am happy to adjust to their desires and preferences. If I am vehemently opposed, I will say something. Yet, my priority is your happiness. I don't want you to be sad, upset, or angry. Most of the time I feel as though I will head all those off at the pass if we just do whatever you want to do.
Why am I like this? Well, let me give you an example.
On Sunday, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, their kids, us and our kids all agreed to meet at Mom and Dad's lake place for lunch. We hadn't seen each other for a while, so I initiated the conversation, and over the course of the week, my sister-in-law and I put together a menu. No big deal.
From where we were staying, the trip would take an hour. Naturally, we got off to a bit of a slower start. Not late, but we would make it just in time to slide in at noon.
As we were making our way down the interstate, I could feel my anxiety rise. The closer the clock ticked to noon, the more panicky I got. I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "Well, it's noon and nobody's here. I'm leaving. I'm just going to go home." And he has done it before too - just left - because he was pissy about something.
And that's the way it's always been with him. I learned from a very young age not to "poke the bear." Just do whatever needs to be done and said to keep him from exploding and losing his shit. Thus, when I first started dating my husband, and he would ask me what I wanted to eat/where I wanted to eat, my standard response was, "I don't care." This was very aggravating to him, but since neither of us knew any better, he would just choose.
Through Divine irony, we have a daughter who is pretty much like my dad. And with her, I have taught myself to be as accommodating as possible so as to avoid "poking the bear."
But the events of March 28 have abruptly interrupted that process. Since that time I have been learning a ton about co-dependency, and how I am a perfect, textbook example of a co-dependent.
Ok, fine. Now I know. Now, I want to change/do something about it. The problem is that I don't know how and where to start.
I have no idea who I am, what I prefer, and what I want the rest of my life to look like.
For 51 years, I have been a compilation of everyone else's choices. It's not their fault, and I'm not blaming them. I created this monster myself. The question is what to do about it. How does one go about figuring out who she is?
Any suggestions on this question would be greatly appreciated.
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