What's in your. . .past?

My daughter has severe anxiety.  The diagnosis is hers. The word, severe, is mine.  Due to a compilation of life events, she is pretty fragile. I know that's almost cliche to say these days, but for her, it's true.  It doesn't take much for her to crumble - a cross look, a sharp word, the fear of the unknown. It's all enough to shut her down completely.  Such was the case when she went to the doctor yesterday.

As is par for the course, she ended up having to wait to see her doctor.  For most of us, we don't love the waiting part, but we are usually ok to sit with our own thoughts.  In today's busy world, we don't get much time to just sit and think.  

For my daughter, the wait time is lethal.  Her mind goes into overdrive, and she works herself into a complete tizzy.  I can't say for certain what is all passing through her mind, but I just know that she is a basket of nerves when she has to wait for anything.  

As a result, as soon as she got into the examination room and her doc asked, "How are you?"  She went into meltdown mode, sobbing and spilling.  Fortunately, she has a nice, patient doctor, who was soothing, caring, and consoling.  

I know all this because my daughter shared the minutiae of her appointment with me - ok, well, at least, the details that I was allowed to hear.  When she was finished relaying the details, I asked if she had shared a significant occurence from last year - it was a defining event, something that I would classify as a need-to-know for the doc.

"No," she responded.  "I think there are just certain things that people don't need to know about." 

I didn't give that comment much thought at the time, but now, I'm stewing on it.  

I think it's safe to say that we ALL have "certain things that people don't need to know about."  These are our hidden shames, our don't-speak-aloud moments, our dark blemishes that we work very hard to keep pressed down, covered, and buried.  To us, these are the unforgiveables - the choices, events, and actions that would result in a relationship breaking point.  Our fear is that when exposed, those around us who claim to love and support us, will stare open-mouthed and appalled, shake their heads, turn away, saying, "Nope, I just can't.  That's over the line." 

Of course, that's not true.  But the truth is that we can't forgive ourselves.  Somewhere along the line, we have violated our own definition of good and acceptable behavior as well as the standard we set for ourselves. As a result, we torture ourselves, in isolation - we keep it as a private, masochistic reminder of how unworthy we are. 

Although I knew this already, it's like I just realized that everyone walks around with these secrets.

Everyone.

There are no exceptions to this.  Every person I know, every person I meet, every person I see has a secret shame. We all suffer in silence, but 

It doesn't have to be that way. 

The fact that we are all fallible beings with hurts, guilt, and regrets should allow us to ease up on the meanness we feel toward ourselves, and it certainly should invalidate any meanness that people show each other.  

The people with the deepest hurt and shame are the meannest.  Their pain is so great, so heavy and overwhelming that they want others to hurt as well.  The load is too much to bear, so they spill the load and their out-of-control, caged-animal emotions on those around them.  

But why.  I mean, seriously, why? 

If we are all in the same boat, why don't we cling to each other instead of throw each other over the side? Why do we hide? Why do we throw a tarp over ourselves? 

Given what I have seen in my 50 years, I can't think of time when someone has walked away from another who has revealed a deep, shameful hurt.  In fact, I have seen quite the opposite - people rushing in to comfort, offer aid, and reaffirm.  

And yet, we still resist confessing the truth and persist in keeping our secrets. . .secret.  

Nothing will be solved in this post.  I can't change human nature.  The only person I can change and control is myself.  Thus, there are two takeaways for me today.  First, I have a different perspective of others.  Not huge or anything, but a perspective of understanding that we ALL carry something.  Thus, gentleness and kindness are better choices than criticism or negativity.  Second, I, too, have repressed secrets - things that I don't want anyone to know, but maybe it's time that I unearth them.  My story may inspire someone else to tell his or her story, and together, we begin the process of healing.