The verse that chose me this week is Philemon 1:6. Is it really even 1? There are no other chapters? Anyway, I am committed to writing about this verse all week.
"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."
I wonder what that last half all encompasses - an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ? One good thing that comes to mind is peace. I really need that right now. I feel very unsettled, especially tonight.
I have had a terrible day, mostly because I have been a terrible person all day. It started this morning even before I left for work. My daughter is always on my mind, and since Saturday night, she has been seriously ghosting. She said she would call on Sunday, and she ghosted me all day and was even belligerent. Naturally, I woke up last night, all in a dither - like heart palpitations and the whole enchilada. I have started this new thing now - where my muscles seize, like tighten up - from my legs to my chest. It feels like the edge of a panic attack. Anyway, it's happened twice and always in the middle of the night. It's not just Erika; it's any particular thing that has been nagging me. So yes, the first good thing I crave is peace.
What would it be like to have true peace? To be relaxed and unfazed by the swirling chaos. Most of the time, I'm ok during the day, but even today, that was not true. This morning, I felt it creeping in as soon as the two-page checklist went up on the screen, which was immediately followed by the out-of-control-sized Padlet. It was too much. I started crying, so it was a good thing I was in my room by myself. I was kind of stupid and confessed my upset to Candace. I'm sure that worried her and Nick (from whom I got a pretty nice text this afternoon).
I think I have become so busy at praying for and worrying about everyone else's peace that my own has suffered. The world is an absolutely icky place right now: Covid, restrictions, distance/synchronous learning, mental illness everywhere, plus just the regular, on-going worries.
How does actively sharing my faith tie to experiencing peace? If you confess it to others enough, it actually becomes true for you - like, say something over and over enough, and eventually, it transfers to action? Maybe by saying it over and over again, you have the repeated reminder. That's true for me. I read my devotions in the morning, and it is a powerful experience at the time, but throughout the course of the day, I get further and further away from that truth. That's part of the reason why I am challenging myself to memorize Scripture this year. Look at what happened today, as an example. I read my devotions. Oswald Chambers, in particular, left an impression (even though I can't tell you what he said right now - I just remember the emotion attached to it), but as the day went on, I acted more and more like a total jackass, an absolute abomination to everything that I believe. So shameful.
"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." Philemon 1:6
I have no answer tonight. I will write again tomorrow.
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