How to Make Friends

My daughter called late last night.  She was on the way home from a friend's and wanted to de-compress, I guess.  As we tripped along various topics, we landed on the subject of friendships. 

Her greatest desire these days is to have one true friend - the kind of person you can share all your deepest, darkest secrets with and someone who will not judge.  Essentially, she is describing a spouse, but she doesn't know that.  Since I have been married for 30+ years, I see very clearly that this is the relationship she yearns for, but she hasn't met "the one" who will be that person for her.  

I tried to tell her that friendship (apart from marriage) is best when it isn't exclusive.  You need to spread your friendship eggs around and put them into a variety of baskets.  It's safer that way.  I also explained to her that different friendships serve different purposes.  For example, there are work friends, church friends, hobby friends, etc.  Each type of friend is useful and necessary for different reasons.  To explain, work friends will understand your complaints and inside jokes about work, whereas your family and other friends just won't get it.  As a result, most friendships are fluid.  They last for a while, and then, they are done.

She, of course, didn't like hearing that.  She is looking for ultimate loyalty and longevity, neither of which are possible in consideration the nature of humanity. People are selfish.  When the going gets rough, it is rare for a friend to hang in there until the bitter end.  Your spouse - your ultimate friend (if you have chosen wisely) is the only who will be there through the final round, and s/he will be the one to hand you the towel, rub your back, and bind your wounds or celebrate your win - whichever the situation requires.  S/he is the only who care more about you than the circumstance, and is someone who truly loves you care more about you than themselves.  

Like I said, most friends won't make it that far.  And unfortunately, for my daughter, these are the kinds of selfish garbage friends she has had in her life thus far. 

Anyway, that's not the point of what I'm writing about anyway.

As I was talking to her, I started thinking about friendship, trying to think of advice to give her about making friends since this is so important to her.  As we age, I think it gets tougher and tougher to make friends, mostly because we get set in our ways about the company we keep.  Either we want no company and prefer to be on our own, or we settle into the relationships we have because they are comfortable and require no fuss (kind of like a well-worn shoe). 

Even so, in my musings, I came to this conclusion.  If you want to make a friend, you have to pay attention to what they want and give it to them. Remember: people are selfish. 

So what do I mean by that? 

Most people will show you what they want in a friendship.  It is up to you to be observant and fill the need. For example, the way in which they show love to others is almost always the way in which they want to be shown love. 

For example, I have a friend who likes to give small gifts but write long messages in cards to go with the gift.  The card will be filled with descriptive compliments, celebrating the recipients qualities.  While I appreciate these gifts and cards, I have picked up on an important cue from that friend.  Words are extremely important to her.  Since she puts careful thought, time, and attention to what she says to friends, she longs for the same thing to return to her.  She wants to hear how she is special, unique, and beneficial to the world.  It's up to me to pick up on that cue and return it.  That is how friendship is established.  

I have another friend who gives the most thoughtful gifts.  They are specifically chosen for the recipient; the gift will only make sense and be meaningful to the recipient.  This, too, has taught me how to be a friend to her.  She appreciates thoughtful gifts in which I have remembered a small, but significant detail - that I have retained and remembered our conversations and that which is most important to her.

Now, of course, these all reflect our love languages: Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have friends in all these categories, but the categories themselves don't matter.  What matters is that I have paid attention; they have shown me what they want and need from relationship.  I have provided that. As a result, we have developed a friendship.  

And that's what I need my daughter to know.  To gain friends, you just need to pay attention and give people what they need.  If they are potential friendship material, they will reciprocate.  If they don't, walk away.  These people are takers. All they do is sop up all your energy, violate boundaries, and leave you depleted.  

It may sound a little harsh, but it's true.  The unfortunate part is that most 20-somethings are quite self-involved. We all were at some people, and most of us grow out of it.  To be a 20-something means having to deal with and sift through a lot of selfishness.  It can be exhausting, but honestly, that's why we were all put on this earth.  First, to glorify God, and second, to love each other.  That means we can't give up the quest to build relationships.  

So to summarize, how do you gain a friend? Observe. First question: Is this person someone I want to know better? Second question: How do they love and love on others?  When you know the answer, send it back to them and watch the friendship grow.