Recently, the youth pastor at our church posted a link to
this article, “Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents Make” (link below). His comment was “This is powerful and hits the nail
square on the head for how I feel. I hope, hope, hope and pray parents read
this with humility and take to heart.”
You can read for yourself; the article is “good” and offers
common sense advice for the average parent. After reading it, however, I will
admit that the article initially made me feel bad and inadequate (for the 100th
time) as a parent. “Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement” (# 4 on
the list) has left a particularly bad taste in my mouth.
Our youth pastor is 41 years old. He has never been married,
and therefore, he has never had children. He is essentially a man-boy who
functions as a trustworthy and safe playmate for the young men in the church. However,
he can, and does, parcel out appropriate, Christ-like advice when it comes to
the bigger questions of life and becoming a man of God.
From the time that our son was able to be involved in youth
group until the day he graduated high school, he and the youth pastor were
constantly together. He was a great role model and mentor for my son, Nick.
The same cannot be said of my daughter. She and Rocky have
never meshed well. At all. Both are headstrong and opinionated, and she is a
girl. Where my son attended and participated in every youth event, my daughter
has had to be coerced and dragged into attending them.
In her formative years, my husband and I made her go. It was
always unpleasant for all involved, and I do mean ALL. When she became a senior
this year, we loosened the reins and quit nagging. It has now become HER
decision whether or not to attend. Was this the right decision? Only time will
truly tell.
Naturally, there are camps on their side that will condemn or
support our decision as parents. Let me tell you why we opted for this route.
Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should
go. When he is old, he will not depart from it.”
My husband and I have done our job as trainers: We model
spiritual habits, we have been involved in church activities, we sent our
children to a private Christian elementary school (Pre-K through 4th
grade), we sent our children to Bible camp every year, we have encouraged and
funded any and all church-related activities that they wanted to be a part of,
we have set guidelines, established expectations, and followed through with
consequences, we have been as actively involved in their lives as they have
allowed us to be. Church was, and has been, a priority from the time our kids
were born. Spiritual instruction and nurturing wasn’t our only priority in
doing so; we also wanted our kids to feel comfortable at church – like they
were a part of an extended family.
The time of “childhood” for both of my children has passed.
In the 1800s-early 1900s, we were an agrarian society. “Childhood,” which
really wasn’t a formal concept, typically ended at the age of 13. The evidence
of this fact is the education system of the time; a child’s formal education
ended at the 8th grade. In modern society, we have opted to blur the
lines of childhood. The government has declared people to be adults at the age
of 18, but at the same time, it (as well as colleges and universities) holds
parents as responsible for the financial burdens of students. Insurance
companies will allow parents to retain their children on policies until 27, and
now, more than ever, “children” of varying ages – even into their 40s, are
returning to live at home with their parents.
My son is 19, and my daughter is 17. Both are adults. Legally,
that statement can be disputed; however, morally, they are adults. They have
jobs, they operate motor vehicles, they are building their futures through
educational and career decision-making, and yes, they are building their
spiritual futures through their decision-making.
Erika’s choice, whether or not to attend youth/church
activities, is an adult choice. She KNOWS what is expected and appropriate, and
while I don’t like her choices, they are hers, including the consequences.
My husband’s favorite child-rearing phrase is “They have
their own minds.” That might seem like a
cop-out, but it is very true. Both of our children have been clearly shown the
way to go. The opportunities have been frequent and numerous even if they have
not always been accepted those opportunities. To be an adult is to make the
choice and face/deal with the consequence that follows.
“Train up a child in the way he should go” suggests that
parents have the responsibility to know their children so that they can offer
the appropriate training methods. There is not a one-size-fits-all method
because human personalities, gifts, and dreams are as diverse as their looks.
While the training is fixed (Biblical), the method is not; as parents, we are
to train each child “in the WAY S/HE should go.”
I doubt very much that our youth pastor agrees with our
decision. However, with no disrespect intended, his opinion lacks substance.
While he has worked successfully with youth for 20 years, he has never married
or been a parent. I, too, have worked successfully with youth as a high school
teacher for 20+ years. Even so, parenting is a whole different ball game. While
there is overlap between the two, the intimacy of a parent-child relationship
and the fact that we all live together creates a completely different dynamic.
“And when he is old, he will not depart from it.” A person
does not have to be elderly in order to be old. Oh, we define it as such in our
culture, but “old” also refers to “exhibiting the wisdom of age/becoming
mature.” One important way in which people become wise is by living and
learning.
Both my kids are in the process of “live and learn.” Both are
stubborn and independent, and I truly believe God will use these qualities in a
positive way to benefit His kingdom. AND I TRULY BELIEVE THEY WILL BE STRONG
WARRIORS FOR GOD. We have trained them; their spiritual development has been a
priority from birth. I have prayed over them and their future spouses since
birth. God hears and will bless those prayers. Even though I do not know what
is in store for their futures, I am confident that they will choose the path
that God directs. . .it just make take Erika a little longer to find that path.
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