When Guilt Leads to Good

Due to inclement weather, there was no school yesterday. It was the second “snow day” in a row, so I decided to be productive. I entered the office with the expressed purpose of getting the end-of-the-year financials ready to go for the tax man, which I did. This process, however, led to a lot of sorting, shredding, organizing, cleaning, and general putting away.

As my fingers sifted through the stacks of paper in the office, I came across a folder. As I opened it and scanned the contents, I snapped it shut just as quickly. It was a packet of letters from 2008 or 9. At that time, my mom’s family was in the midst of a bitter quarrel regarding land and money. Tempers were running high, and family members were expressing their opinions in a written format; I was one of them.

Just the mere sight of those letters brought back a landslide of emotions, most of which, for me, are shame. Two of the key players in this issue, my grandma and my uncle, both passed away last year. Their passing, however, did not elicit the shame; that was there long before they passed. Their passing elicits this question: In considering how much time I had left with them on this earth, would I have spent the waning minutes with them so acrimoniously if I could have a re-do?

When I composed my letter to my grandma and uncle, I did so because my mom was being unjustly accused of some invalid claims. Basically, my grandma (her mom) and uncle (her only sibling) were ganging up on her, bullying her, so we (my brother and I) wanted to show support to our mom.

After I wrote my letter, I showed it to friends and family members and asked them what they thought: Should I send it or not? After some discussion, the consensus was that I should – that Grandma and Steven should know how I feel – that I should defend my mom.

So I did.

To make a long story short, Grandma and I briefly talked about it. She was hurt by what I said, but I explained that my mom was hurt by her. My uncle and I made peace in the end, but my aunt, Charlyn, has not forgiven me. Likewise, we all live in small communities, so, undoubtedly, the local gossip included me as well as my letter. I feel bad about that, but in the same token, I also feel as though I am getting what I deserve.

Let me explain. Now, five years or so later, I realize and admit that I should never have sent that letter. Knowing what I know now about Christ – His priorities, how He lived His life on earth, the behavior he modeled for us, I realize that what I did was a mistake.

God did not need me to run turbulence for my mom. His Justice is divine. His Will will be done. As usual, thinking I knew best, I tried to take matters into my own hands to “help” God. If I would have really stepped outside the “bubble” a little more, I would have realized that none of the characteristics that I was exhibiting throughout the process were, in fact, Godly. Love? Peace? Patience? Kindness? Goodness? Self-Control? They all appeared to be AWOL and were replaced with selfishness, impetuousness, and conflict.

While this realization is sobering in and of itself, it is also troubling that my “trouble-shooting squad” of Christian family members and friends were not very helpful in the process. I am not blaming them, by any means, because at the end of the day, I ultimately chose to send the letter. So what I have learned from all 

this?

1)      God is the only advisor on whom I can rely. His Word is a smorgasbord of advice on living right. He will show me what to do. “Thy Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalm 119:105)

2)      If there is any doubt regarding the Godliness of an action or word, the answer is no. If what I wish to do or say conflicts with God’s Word or character, then clearly I need to keep my mouth shut and stay put. In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers says, “Are you protesting that your heart is right with God, and yet there is something in your life about which He has caused you to doubt? Whenever there is doubt, quit immediately, no matter what it is. Nothing is mere detail.”

3)      Pain sucks, but it is necessary. I am ashamed of what I did. I caused someone else pain, and that is not who I am, who I want to be, or how I want to represent my God. Even though I shredded the entire packet of letters yesterday, the residual feelings remain. God is good; I have asked forgiveness, and I know that He has forgiven me, but that does not erase the consequences of what I have done. I have to live them, but it’s ok.

Just as a blister is a reminder that shoes are ill-fitting or socks are necessary. . .just as carpal tunnel is a reminder that a typist needs to take breaks . . .just as headache is reminder to take screen breaks, pain serves a purpose, one of which is pointing the direction to better living. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:12).

2 Corinthians 12:7–9
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

With regard to my aunt, I do not expect (as in, demand) forgiveness from her. The issue of forgiveness is not about her; it’s about me. Therefore, I am assembling matchsticks to slowly build a bridge to her. When Steven died, my husband and I went out to visit with her and bring her food. It was awkward, but again, what could I expect?  This past week, I sent her a card to mark the month since Steven’s passing. As God leads, I will continue to do as He directs. I have learned my lesson, thanks be to Him.