Re-thinking the Road Blocks

Yesterday, I went to the doctor to discuss what I called my “geriatric” concerns with her. She laughed at me and said, “You’re only 43.” Well, that may be, but everything I wanted to discuss with her was largely a consequence of aging.

Anyway, the long and short of it of the appointment was this: 1) Cut down on the caffeine, 2) Opt for low-impact exercise such as swimming, water aerobics, and yoga, 3) Go to PT, and if that doesn’t work, get tested for RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).

While nothing she said was cause for alarm, I did, in any case, feel as though I had hit a wall. . not hard, mind you, but it was enough of a jolt to let me know that there is something blocking my path.  Let me explain.

 Just like 54% of the U.S. population, I enjoy my coffee in the morning. I must confess that I really don’t need it to wake up, nor do I get headaches if I have to skip a day. I just like it because it’s a part of my routine.

Likewise, this habit it a recent acquisition. I didn’t start to drink coffee until I was 40 years, and it was only because I MADE myself start drinking it. In considering how “social” of a drink coffee is, I resolved to learn to drink it, starting on my 40^th birthday. For the next month, I literally choked down one cup per day. Mike laughed at me when my body would involuntarily shutter as I tossed it back. “Why are you doing this to yourself?” he asked.

The answer, of course, was because I had decided. I had set my mind to it, and of course, my pig-headedness won. I am now a coffee drinker. . .but for how long? She told me to “cut back” and “switch to water instead.” Now that Diet Coke and I are no longer in a committed relationship, I thought I was doing pretty good. Guess not.

Then, there is the exercise piece to consider. The doctor said that swimming “massages the muscles and joints” and is “a total body workout” as all of your muscles are engaged. Honestly, the doc did a great job of verbal enticement with her vocabulary choices. However, the fact remains – with swimming or water aerobics- that 1) I must get wet (which is tough to do when it is negative 1,000 degrees outside), and 2) I must wear a swim suit. . .in public. . .where people see me.

I realize that those are just silly objections. The real issue for me is giving up running. The doc didn’t say I had to, but her message was pretty clear – that I need to switch to something a little more friendly to the joints. While I have made it no secret how I feel about running (I HATE IT), running has been a good motivator to me. I have set little goals for myself, and so far, I have been able to achieve them. One of my “bucket list” items was to run some sort of marathon (more realistically, a half). In my mind’s eye, I see a pencil mark begin at the left side of the page, starting to cross that item off.

Right about now, I am starting to sound like a drama queen, but the bottom line is that I DO NOT LIKE TO BE TOLD “NO.” Metaphorically speaking, I have often fancied myself as a sort of Harry Potter against the Argus Filches of the world. Whenever I have encountered a road block, my mentality has always been, “Oh, yeah, well, I’ll show you,” and I have worked hard (and usually succeeded) in finding a way through or around the road block. Now, however, I believe I met my Minerva McGonagall in the form of middle age.

According to society’s definition, middle age does not begin until one turns 53, but who are we kidding? How many people do you know who live to be 106? The truth is that middle age begins when one starts losing more than s/he gains. Even so, there is no reason to get one’s undies in a bunch about it.

Middle age is a mind-set more than anything. We Americans are very individualistic and independent, and we love labels. We are always striving, whether publically or privately to be an –er or an –est (thinner, fastest, kindest, etc). We like to put ourselves in boxes and/or categories. I am no different. If I allow myself to think that I am washed up because I am entering a new phase of life called middle age, then I will be washed up. It’s a mental choice more than a physical one. In its most basic sense, it means that some previously-established goals are now going to be revised and/or replaced with new ones. Although it sounds cliché, that is, in fact, life.

We are on Week Three of a sermon series called Following Jesus. . .Discovering God! Last week’s sermon was called “The Spirit of Obedience.” Essentially, the pastor has been considering Christ’s final words to his disciples before He left the Earth (John 14) and how we disciples, in today’s age, have an advantage over the original disciples.

For followers of Jesus who want to discover God, the process is very simple and difficult at the same time: obedience. You read His Word, you talk to Him, you listen to what He says, and you do it. Period. There are literally no “buts.” There are no excuses. There is no doing it my way when I want to do it. There is only obedience.

Obedience is a distasteful word to most people as it has largely negative connotations. It involves giving in. It involves giving up our individuality (preferences, timeline, goals). However, the pastor re-framed the word, obedience, for me on Sunday. Rather than give the word reactive qualities; it described it proactively.

To explain, he asked us to think about when we first fell in love with our spouses. S/he was all we could think about. Likewise, our actions toward our spouses were all about pleasing him/her because of our love for him/her. Sometimes, that meant (and still does mean) that we put aside our own desires and preferences in order to please our spouses.

The feeling of falling in love with our spouses is what our relationship with God should look like. We think about Him all the time. Because we love Him so much, we want to please Him, which means putting aside our own preferences, desires, and goals to do what He wants.

Obedience is not punishment; it is a way we show love.  

Thus, success is to be found in re-thinking the road blocks. Rather than plow through them, as I have made it my self-imposed mission throughout life, I need to examine why they are there. If I hit a road block due to my own negligence, then the road block is a consequence. Even so, the failure is not finality; it is a hard, yet poignant, lesson – one which I should take heed in order to avoid it in the future. In any case, if I hit a road block, it is for a reason; I need to step outside the bubble and consider why I may have hit the road block.

So while some of my new concerns may feel like a loss, they are actually gains. I have been an individualistic, independent cuss for far too long, and it’s time to relinquish some control and see where the road goes next. “Every element of self-reliance must be slain by the power of God. Complete weakness and dependence will always be the occasion for the Spirit of God to manifest His power” (Oswald Chambers). 

Short Vignettes on Life With Teenagers

One TV show that we like to watch at this house is The Middle. Mike and Frankie = Mike and Missy, and Axl is a freaky twin to Nick, and Erika has Sue-moments on occasion. Thankfully, we don't have a Brick, and in considering how eerily similar our family is to the fictitious TV family, our third child (if one had emerged) would have been a hyper-sensitive basket case.

Anyway, here is a list of short Aak-style vignettes. I love them dearly, but there are times when I go, "Huh?" I have no doubt they have the same reaction to stuff that we say/do. For parents of teenagers, let's see if you can relate to any of them.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm. . .

Sample 1

As I opened the downstairs refrigerator to get another gallon of milk, I jumped back, surprised to see things squirming in an ice cream bucket. Nick decided to put his minnows in the fridge for storage and clearly does not have a minnow bucket.

A few days later, I returned to the refrigerator, and I saw several minnows have gone to the Promised Land. I texted Nick to “dispose of the dead minnows.” When he returned from class, he did.

Later, I went downstairs to change the laundry, and when I looked into the laundry tub next to the washer, I saw dead minnows at the bottom of the sink.

Huh.

Who knew I had to be precise in explaining WHERE to dispose of the minnows?

Sample 2

The wind is howling outside, the temperature is well below zero, and school has already been cancelled for the next day. It is 8 p.m.

Erika bounds up the stairs, coat (that’s new!), shoes and purse in place.

Me: Where are you going?

Erika: Cass is coming to pick me up, and we’re going to Walmart.

Me: Why?

Erika: I am out of Chapstick, and we want to check the price of Oreos.

Yes, yes, that makes perfect sense.

On Family Games. . .

Some families have game nights; ours are on-going, daily events. For example, both Mike and I have become very good at the game called follow-behind-the-kid-and-shut-the-lights-off. Nick and Erika are so thoughtful; as the years have gone by, they have kept us in shape with all the laps we do around the house.

On Dining. . .

The one text I can count on receiving from each child every day is. . . “What’s for supper?” which is then followed by “When is supper?” Great question is considering the fact that we have eaten supper (at home) between 5-5:30 FOR ALL OF THE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

…

The table is set, everyone has food, and we just finished praying. Just as I am ready to put the first forkful into my mouth, Erika asks,“Mom, can you get me some water?”

Me: “Really, Erika? You are closer to the refrigerator than I am.”

Erika: “Yeah, but I tired from practice.”

Me: (Oh, and I'm not tired from working all day AND making supper) "I think you can get it yourself.”

…

The other night, the kids requested breakfast for supper, which was fine with me because I thought it would be easy. As the bacon was frying,

Erika: “Mom, can you boil a couple of eggs for me? DON’T fry my eggs in bacon grease.”

I put eggs on to boil. I use a little bacon grease to make scrambled eggs.

Nick: “Mom, can you put a little bacon grease in a frying pan and fry me a couple of eggs?”

Erika: “I don’t want any pancakes. Can I have a banana and the peanut butter?”

So much for an easy supper.

…

Erika: “I have had to pay for the last couple of Nordic ski meals. I figure you owe me about $20.”

Yes, Erika, after paying $200 for your sports fee, $80 in fundraising for coffee (which you didn’t sell), $100 for Nordic ski clothing, $40 for meals thus far, $22 for Nordic ski pics, and $60 for new poles, I can see why that pesky $20 needs to be re-paid immediately.

On Responsibility

Me: “Here is a list of things you need to accomplish today.Get your account set up, fill out the scholarship form. . . .”

Nick: “Ok, can you remind me this afternoon? I am going to take a nap.”

REALLY?!

On Brutal Honesty and Fashion

Me: “I think I am going to get a haircut. I wonder how close I am to donating to Locks of Love.”

Erika: “They will never take your hair. It’s so damaged.”

Me: (looking shocked and a little hurt)

Erika: “Well, it’s true. You need to color your hair too. It looks like mustard.”

Well, gee, Erika, tell me how you really feel. Don’t hold back to protect my feelings or anything.

. . .

When it comes to fashion, there is one question, in particular, that we ask of each other on occasion: “You’re wearing that?!”

When it comes out of her mouth, it means, “UGLY! HUGE MISTAKE! I don’t want my friends to see you looking like that and judge me based on how you are dressed!”

When it comes out of my mouth, it means, “NAKED! INAPPROPRIATE!I don’t want my friends to see you looking like that and judge me based on how you are dressed!”

The Dangers of List-Mania

Right after the school cancellation call this morning, I started to mentally grab a pen and paper. I’m a list-maker by nature. While relying on my memory to create and maintain that list is a gamble I usually lose these days, my list-ordered life helps to keep not only me but the other three that I live with on task.

My list-making mania originated in college, I think. During that time, I was fighting an eating disorder, so making lists and filling unscheduled time was a survival mechanism. While I no longer make lists for that reason, the habit has stuck, and most of the time, it works to my advantage.

For most people, unscheduled time is a welcomed, surprise gift.  Nowadays, it is for me, too,. . only if I can find useful ways to use that time. Let me explain.

First, I hate surprises. My best friend and I have made a solemn pact never to let our husbands (or anyone else for that matter) throw us a surprise anything (birthday, anniversary, etc) party. If either of us gets wind of any “surprise” coming down the pipe, we have vowed to give each other the “heads-up.”

Secondly, I can’t stand wasted time. Whether it’s in my classroom or at home, I am always doing something productive. If you don’t believe me, ask my husband. He has spent the last 23 years of our marriage in trying to get me to “sit down and relax.”  

Weird, I know.

Ever since I was little, I have had this inexplicable notion (bordering on panic) that time is running out. While I know this to be true, since none of us are built to last forever, I have always lived my life as though I have to keep running and doing in order to “get it all done” before I die. . .even though I have no idea what “it all” is.

As usual, I am totally missing the point of what/how God intended for me to live my life.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand” (Romans 5:1).

My busy, list-driven life has helped me to be successful by worldly standards, but I have totally biffed it in the spiritual realm.

First, I have tried to create my own peace of mind through an orderly life. In reading that sentence, it’s tough to see anything wrong with that. . in a worldly sense. True faith means true peace comes from the true Source, not by human effort. While living an organized, orderly life is not a sin, it becomes one when it ignores or obliterates any God-inspired opportunities, which leads to my second point.

If and when we pack out schedules so tightly, we are not living as people of faith. Again, what’s wrong with being organized and having a busy schedule – especially if it is filled with activities that bring glory to God? When we orchestrate and completely monopolize our time, when and where does He fit in? Furthermore, why would we even need God?

“Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life; uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all of our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately, we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our lives with surprises all the time” (Oswald Chambers)

Uncertainty? Surprises? Of course, those are the two things that I control-freak such as I don’t handle well. And yet, “we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5: 3-4). God is not interested is someone whose faith is mere lip-service; He wants total abandonment, a complete relinquishment of my schedule, my life, me.

All right, God, what’s up for today?

Just Do It

I’m pretty sure you’ve been there.

To explain, there are times when you are 99.9% certain of what God wants you to do. . .you read it in a Bible verse during your devotions, a friend mentions it, and the sermon on Sunday was about it. Bazinga! In the educational world, we refer to that as “triangulation,” which basically means that you can assert validity based on the fact that you have seen it (whatever it is) in three different sources. Thus, God’s directive is clear, and all you need to do is walk between the rows of Munchkins and “follow the yellow brick road.”

And then. . .

There are the times (which, in my experience, feels like most of the time) when the path isn’t so clear, and there are no Munchkins to point you in the right direction. You may THINK you have heard God’s voice, but was it your own wishful thinking? A Bible verse may have led to a thought, but when you mention it to your Christian friends, they talk you out of it. A sermon may have convicted you, but when you try to follow through, all you meet is roadblocks. And all you think is, “Come on, God. Throw me a bone here. If this is what you want, then please don’t make it so difficult!”

Honestly, it’s not difficult. We just MAKE it difficult.

While our mouths tell God, “I am yours. Your Will be done in my life,” our hearts fight Him every step of the way. Due to our propensity toward selfishness, we struggle with relinquishing “control” of our lives (which is a fallacy anyway). As difficult as it is for me to say this (because it applies to me as well), we struggle with hearing God’s voice because we, ultimately, have not submitted 100% to Him.

Consider the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25 (which is where all this began today). The master distributes various talents to his servants for them to care for while he is gone. When he returns, he checks their progress. Everybody did well except for the dude who was in charge of one talent. “Master,” he said, “I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you” (v. 24-5).

While I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the best idea for the servant to “lip off” about his boss’s business habits, the servant’s actions seem prudent since he was “babysitting” the talent for his boss. He sounds pretty responsible so far. . .

“His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well, then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest” (v. 26-7).

“Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth” (v. 28-9).

What the world?! That seems so harsh in considering the fact that the servant didn’t do anything “wrong.” Sure, he didn’t make the talent multiply as the other two servants had done, but he didn’t lose the talent either. What’s going on? And what in the world does this have to do with hearing and obeying God’s Voice?

Even though I have read this passage numerous times, it finally dawned on me what is going on and why the master was so ticked off in this passage.

Remember the Sesame Street vignette, “One of These Things Is Not Like The Others”? Servant #3 sticks out like a sore thumb when you look carefully at the situation. To explain, Servant #3 was not really being a servant at all; he was not obedient, nor was he subservient in any way. First, he did nothing with the talent that had been given specifically to him. As a servant, his job is to WORK for the master. Secondly, he thought he knew better – both with regard to the talent and his boss. Third, he criticizes his boss, making assumptions about his boss. The passage does not indicate whether or not the servant’s accusations were true (the harvesting and gathering); however, we can clearly see what the SERVANT thought (true or not). Because the servant did not, in fact, have a servant’s heart or attitude, he quickly finds himself out of the house, out of a job, and out of sorts.

While this passage has always been associated with the natural gifts and talents that God gives each person (and rightfully so), it occurred to me that we can also interpret this passage in another way - how each person reacts to God’s Voice/directives.  

When you look at the Parable of Talents in terms of the Spirit’s nudges (God’s Voice/directives), the passage shifts in meaning, but the message is the same. We understand the gravity of the servant’s actions (or in this case, inaction) as well as God’s anger.

When the Spirit nudges, our job is to move, not question the Master. If we have truly submitted, we know that what He asks us to do is perfect, best, and good – even if it makes no sense to us at the time. We don’t want to be like Servant #3 and squander an opportunity. Like ripples on a pond when a stone is thrown, a simple act of obedience has far-reaching consequences for the Kingdom of God.

Likewise, when we pause, survey our friends, or create a pro/con list, we are like Servant #3 when made assumptions about his master. Given our human nature, we think it best to think (which, again, is not bad). Logic and reason separate us from all living creatures, making us superior to all other creatures. However, when we allow them to interfere with our relationship with God, we have a problem, and it’s called sin.

The point of the passage, however, is not to scare us into obedience. A fear of the Lord (as in awe and reverence) is good, but fear as a motivator does not reflect the character of God at all.

At the end of the day, we each have a choice to make. We need to quit whining, “God, what is Your Will for my life? Show me Your Will for my life.” In essence, that’s not a “bad” prayer or request; however, we are usually acting like Servant #3 when we have that attitude. It suggests that we want God to show us where to go, but we still want to be in control. How? Well, we ask for direction, but we still want to maintain the power to decide “yes” or “no,” to what extent, and under what conditions.

The whole point in BEING a servant is submission, relinquishing ourselves to God. When we fully submit to God, our will, dreams, fears, and ego then are a moot point. Thus, His Will IS our lives.  As Oswald Chambers states in My Utmost for His Highest, “Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is.” We have to let go of ourselves in order for Him to do that. 

Someone far smarter than I has said it far better than I, so I leave you with this thought from Oswald Chambers:

“We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

When Guilt Leads to Good

Due to inclement weather, there was no school yesterday. It was the second “snow day” in a row, so I decided to be productive. I entered the office with the expressed purpose of getting the end-of-the-year financials ready to go for the tax man, which I did. This process, however, led to a lot of sorting, shredding, organizing, cleaning, and general putting away.

As my fingers sifted through the stacks of paper in the office, I came across a folder. As I opened it and scanned the contents, I snapped it shut just as quickly. It was a packet of letters from 2008 or 9. At that time, my mom’s family was in the midst of a bitter quarrel regarding land and money. Tempers were running high, and family members were expressing their opinions in a written format; I was one of them.

Just the mere sight of those letters brought back a landslide of emotions, most of which, for me, are shame. Two of the key players in this issue, my grandma and my uncle, both passed away last year. Their passing, however, did not elicit the shame; that was there long before they passed. Their passing elicits this question: In considering how much time I had left with them on this earth, would I have spent the waning minutes with them so acrimoniously if I could have a re-do?

When I composed my letter to my grandma and uncle, I did so because my mom was being unjustly accused of some invalid claims. Basically, my grandma (her mom) and uncle (her only sibling) were ganging up on her, bullying her, so we (my brother and I) wanted to show support to our mom.

After I wrote my letter, I showed it to friends and family members and asked them what they thought: Should I send it or not? After some discussion, the consensus was that I should – that Grandma and Steven should know how I feel – that I should defend my mom.

So I did.

To make a long story short, Grandma and I briefly talked about it. She was hurt by what I said, but I explained that my mom was hurt by her. My uncle and I made peace in the end, but my aunt, Charlyn, has not forgiven me. Likewise, we all live in small communities, so, undoubtedly, the local gossip included me as well as my letter. I feel bad about that, but in the same token, I also feel as though I am getting what I deserve.

Let me explain. Now, five years or so later, I realize and admit that I should never have sent that letter. Knowing what I know now about Christ – His priorities, how He lived His life on earth, the behavior he modeled for us, I realize that what I did was a mistake.

God did not need me to run turbulence for my mom. His Justice is divine. His Will will be done. As usual, thinking I knew best, I tried to take matters into my own hands to “help” God. If I would have really stepped outside the “bubble” a little more, I would have realized that none of the characteristics that I was exhibiting throughout the process were, in fact, Godly. Love? Peace? Patience? Kindness? Goodness? Self-Control? They all appeared to be AWOL and were replaced with selfishness, impetuousness, and conflict.

While this realization is sobering in and of itself, it is also troubling that my “trouble-shooting squad” of Christian family members and friends were not very helpful in the process. I am not blaming them, by any means, because at the end of the day, I ultimately chose to send the letter. So what I have learned from all 

this?

1)      God is the only advisor on whom I can rely. His Word is a smorgasbord of advice on living right. He will show me what to do. “Thy Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalm 119:105)

2)      If there is any doubt regarding the Godliness of an action or word, the answer is no. If what I wish to do or say conflicts with God’s Word or character, then clearly I need to keep my mouth shut and stay put. In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers says, “Are you protesting that your heart is right with God, and yet there is something in your life about which He has caused you to doubt? Whenever there is doubt, quit immediately, no matter what it is. Nothing is mere detail.”

3)      Pain sucks, but it is necessary. I am ashamed of what I did. I caused someone else pain, and that is not who I am, who I want to be, or how I want to represent my God. Even though I shredded the entire packet of letters yesterday, the residual feelings remain. God is good; I have asked forgiveness, and I know that He has forgiven me, but that does not erase the consequences of what I have done. I have to live them, but it’s ok.

Just as a blister is a reminder that shoes are ill-fitting or socks are necessary. . .just as carpal tunnel is a reminder that a typist needs to take breaks . . .just as headache is reminder to take screen breaks, pain serves a purpose, one of which is pointing the direction to better living. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:12).

2 Corinthians 12:7–9
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

With regard to my aunt, I do not expect (as in, demand) forgiveness from her. The issue of forgiveness is not about her; it’s about me. Therefore, I am assembling matchsticks to slowly build a bridge to her. When Steven died, my husband and I went out to visit with her and bring her food. It was awkward, but again, what could I expect?  This past week, I sent her a card to mark the month since Steven’s passing. As God leads, I will continue to do as He directs. I have learned my lesson, thanks be to Him.

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Usually, I’m not a whiner. I am surrounded by enough of those, so I genuinely try to put a positive spin on whatever is happening in life. However, there is something that I just have to say:

I am not a fan of being 40-something. Forgive me for using pre-pubescent vernacular in saying this, but this phrase succinctly encapsulates how I feel. Being 40-something sucks.

Whenever someone older than me learns my age, s/he clucks his/her tongue and tells me I am still a baby. Women in the media have repeatedly promised me that life begins at 40. I am still waiting to realize this supposed “youth” I still retain. Likewise, if life is supposed to have begun, I seem to have missed the memo on that one. I guess I am officially in the midst of what has been dubbed “The Mid-Life Crisis.”

So far, this is life at 40:

*My kids are teenagers. They no longer a) want to do fun things with my husband and me because b) everything is “dumb” (unless a friend suggests it). Conversations revolve around their time schedule and topic because anything we initiate falls into the category of “nagging.” I fixate on their deadlines and decisions – not because I am a micro-manager – but because I don’t want to see them fall/fail. I worry about all that I should still teach them even though they have no interest in what I have to say.

*Social activities are limited. My husband and I have two teenaged children, so we are paroled from the house occasionally. Even though the kids don’t want to do anything with us, we feel responsible to “be around” to supervise. This will continue until the kids move out.

*My body has a mind of its own. It cannot do as much as it used to for as long as it used to. Excess weight stubbornly clings in the wrong places despite efforts on my part. Gravity is no longer my friend.

Ok, so the aforementioned three aren’t THAT bad. They are annoying, to be sure. However, here is the REAL problem about being 40-something:

Is this all there is? Is this as good as it gets?

As a kid, I took piano lessons from a lady for whom I also babysat. Due to our close relationship, we often talked about everything throughout my lessons. On one occasion, I was chattering away, and I remember her staring at me and saying, “How can such a little girl think such deep thoughts? You’re an old soul in a kid’s body.”

It’s true. From the time I was little, I was on hyper-speed to grow up. When I was in 4^th grade, I was expected to make supper every night for my family (my mom worked outside the home). I had responsibilities at a young age, and that sense of responsibility fostered organization and maturity that might not otherwise have developed until much later in life. That doesn’t sound like it’s a bad thing, but as a Type A firstborn, I am prone to extremes in everything.

After high school, I went to college. Where many of my peers were busy in finding the next full keg, I kept my nose in the books and studied so as to maintain my GPA. I was not there to mess around and socialize; I wanted to get a degree as quickly as possible and get out with the least amount of debt. I was married at 20. I graduated college and got my first teaching job at 22, and I became a mother at 24.

Now, at 43 (and probably due to all the extra time I have on my hands now that the “mothering” season is not as busy), “what ifs” are common companions in my thoughts. “What if” I would have pursued a different career instead of education? At the close of my sophomore year, I HAD to pick a major (or I would start wasting $ on classes I didn’t need). I chose education because I liked to read and write. “What if” I would have studied abroad rather than stayed on the fast track to complete my degree by age 22?

Worse, “What if” all those hopes and dreams I put on the back burner throughout child-rearing and the early years of my career never come true? “What if” it is too late? “What if” the next 40 years are as boring, predictable, and unfulfilling as they are now?

This morning, I read the “dry bones” excerpt in Ezekiel. At God’s command, “there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them” (v 8). That’s kind of the way I feel right now. I am flesh and blood, but I don’t really feel as though there is a lot of life – spark, fire, passion- to characterize me.

Then, God goes on to say, “O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then, you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord” (v. 12-14).

And there it is. My focus is all wrong. Once again, I have made something about me, and it’s NOT ABOUT ME. God knows my hopes and dreams; He put them there! He equipped me with talents and gifts that He had determined in advance ESPECIALLY FOR ME. Once again, my selfishness and pride have caused me to turn my eyes inward versus upward.

Like a slap upside the head to affirm this idea, I read the following passage from My Utmost For His Highest. Oswald Chambers said, “We must distinguish between burden-bearing that is right and burden-bearing that is wrong. ‘Cast that He has given you upon the Lord’ (Psalm 1:22). If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.”

In essence, it means that when I put God first and make our relationship my top priority (listening, praying, reading His Word, LISTENING), my worries and “what ifs” are a moot point. They are vapor in the wind. The next 40 years suddenly become the ultimate adventure versus the ultimate dread.

Duh. I should have seen that one coming. Christ and His Word are all about new life. Whether it is dry bones or dried-up dreams, it is only through Him that life, of any kind, is possible. Huh, well, what do you know; there was a positive spin after all!

“For NOTHING is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

Youth Group Involvement: Parental Mandate or Kid's Choice?

Recently, the youth pastor at our church posted a link to this article, “Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents Make” (link below).  His comment was “This is powerful and hits the nail square on the head for how I feel. I hope, hope, hope and pray parents read this with humility and take to heart.”

You can read for yourself; the article is “good” and offers common sense advice for the average parent. After reading it, however, I will admit that the article initially made me feel bad and inadequate (for the 100^th time) as a parent. “Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement” (# 4 on the list) has left a particularly bad taste in my mouth.

Our youth pastor is 41 years old. He has never been married, and therefore, he has never had children. He is essentially a man-boy who functions as a trustworthy and safe playmate for the young men in the church. However, he can, and does, parcel out appropriate, Christ-like advice when it comes to the bigger questions of life and becoming a man of God.

From the time that our son was able to be involved in youth group until the day he graduated high school, he and the youth pastor were constantly together. He was a great role model and mentor for my son, Nick.

The same cannot be said of my daughter. She and Rocky have never meshed well. At all. Both are headstrong and opinionated, and she is a girl. Where my son attended and participated in every youth event, my daughter has had to be coerced and dragged into attending them.

In her formative years, my husband and I made her go. It was always unpleasant for all involved, and I do mean ALL. When she became a senior this year, we loosened the reins and quit nagging. It has now become HER decision whether or not to attend. Was this the right decision? Only time will truly tell.

Naturally, there are camps on their side that will condemn or support our decision as parents. Let me tell you why we opted for this route.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go. When he is old, he will not depart from it.”

My husband and I have done our job as trainers: We model spiritual habits, we have been involved in church activities, we sent our children to a private Christian elementary school (Pre-K through 4^th grade), we sent our children to Bible camp every year, we have encouraged and funded any and all church-related activities that they wanted to be a part of, we have set guidelines, established expectations, and followed through with consequences, we have been as actively involved in their lives as they have allowed us to be. Church was, and has been, a priority from the time our kids were born. Spiritual instruction and nurturing wasn’t our only priority in doing so; we also wanted our kids to feel comfortable at church – like they were a part of an extended family.

The time of “childhood” for both of my children has passed. In the 1800s-early 1900s, we were an agrarian society. “Childhood,” which really wasn’t a formal concept, typically ended at the age of 13. The evidence of this fact is the education system of the time; a child’s formal education ended at the 8^th grade. In modern society, we have opted to blur the lines of childhood. The government has declared people to be adults at the age of 18, but at the same time, it (as well as colleges and universities) holds parents as responsible for the financial burdens of students. Insurance companies will allow parents to retain their children on policies until 27, and now, more than ever, “children” of varying ages – even into their 40s, are returning to live at home with their parents.

My son is 19, and my daughter is 17. Both are adults. Legally, that statement can be disputed; however, morally, they are adults. They have jobs, they operate motor vehicles, they are building their futures through educational and career decision-making, and yes, they are building their spiritual futures through their decision-making.

Erika’s choice, whether or not to attend youth/church activities, is an adult choice. She KNOWS what is expected and appropriate, and while I don’t like her choices, they are hers, including the consequences.

My husband’s favorite child-rearing phrase is “They have their own minds.”  That might seem like a cop-out, but it is very true. Both of our children have been clearly shown the way to go. The opportunities have been frequent and numerous even if they have not always been accepted those opportunities. To be an adult is to make the choice and face/deal with the consequence that follows.

“Train up a child in the way he should go” suggests that parents have the responsibility to know their children so that they can offer the appropriate training methods. There is not a one-size-fits-all method because human personalities, gifts, and dreams are as diverse as their looks. While the training is fixed (Biblical), the method is not; as parents, we are to train each child “in the WAY S/HE should go.”

I doubt very much that our youth pastor agrees with our decision. However, with no disrespect intended, his opinion lacks substance. While he has worked successfully with youth for 20 years, he has never married or been a parent. I, too, have worked successfully with youth as a high school teacher for 20+ years. Even so, parenting is a whole different ball game. While there is overlap between the two, the intimacy of a parent-child relationship and the fact that we all live together creates a completely different dynamic.

“And when he is old, he will not depart from it.” A person does not have to be elderly in order to be old. Oh, we define it as such in our culture, but “old” also refers to “exhibiting the wisdom of age/becoming mature.” One important way in which people become wise is by living and learning.

Both my kids are in the process of “live and learn.” Both are stubborn and independent, and I truly believe God will use these qualities in a positive way to benefit His kingdom. AND I TRULY BELIEVE THEY WILL BE STRONG WARRIORS FOR GOD. We have trained them; their spiritual development has been a priority from birth. I have prayed over them and their future spouses since birth. God hears and will bless those prayers. Even though I do not know what is in store for their futures, I am confident that they will choose the path that God directs. . .it just make take Erika a little longer to find that path.

http://meredisciple.com/blog/2010/06/top-ten-mistakes-christian-parents-of-teens-make/