Who am I? I'm serious. How do I discover my identity?

So here is a new problem.

I don't know what I like. 

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Who doesn't know what s/he likes? 

Whenever someone asks me, "Where I would like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care. Wherever you want to go is fine."  Whenever someone asks me, "What would you like to eat?" I always say, "I don't care.  I'm flexible." Whenever someone says, "Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?" I always say, "It doesn't matter to me.  What do you want to do?" 

It's like that for food, vacations, activities, dates, careers, etc.  

I suppose I do have preferences.  For example, my favorite snack is popcorn.  I enjoy playing in the garden.  I love to ride motorcycle.  I love beaches, books, and thrift stores.  

However, if someone were to ask me, I will always be evasive. I will always defer to their preferences.  Always.  And truly, it's not a point of angst.  I am happy to adjust to their desires and preferences.  If I am vehemently opposed, I will say something.  Yet, my priority is your happiness.  I don't want you to be sad, upset, or angry.  Most of the time I feel as though I will head all those off at the pass if we just do whatever you want to do.  

Why am I like this?  Well, let me give you an example. 

On Sunday, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, their kids, us and our kids all agreed to meet at Mom and Dad's lake place for lunch.  We hadn't seen each other for a while, so I initiated the conversation, and over the course of the week, my sister-in-law and I put together a menu.  No big deal.  

From where we were staying, the trip would take an hour.  Naturally, we got off to a bit of a slower start.  Not late, but we would make it just in time to slide in at noon. 

As we were making our way down the interstate, I could feel my anxiety rise.  The closer the clock ticked to noon, the more panicky I got.  I could hear my dad's voice in my head, "Well, it's noon and nobody's here. I'm leaving.  I'm just going to go home."  And he has done it before too - just left - because he was pissy about something.  

And that's the way it's always been with him.  I learned from a very young age not to "poke the bear."  Just do whatever needs to be done and said to keep him from exploding and losing his shit.  Thus, when I first started dating my husband, and he would ask me what I wanted to eat/where I wanted to eat, my standard response was, "I don't care."  This was very aggravating to him, but since neither of us knew any better, he would just choose. 

Through Divine irony, we have a daughter who is pretty much like my dad.  And with her, I have taught myself to be as accommodating as possible so as to avoid "poking the bear."  

But the events of March 28 have abruptly interrupted that process.  Since that time I have been learning a ton about co-dependency, and how I am a perfect, textbook example of a co-dependent.  

Ok, fine.  Now I know.  Now, I want to change/do something about it.  The problem is that I don't know how and where to start.  

I have no idea who I am, what I prefer, and what I want the rest of my life to look like.  

For 51 years, I have been a compilation of everyone else's choices.  It's not their fault, and I'm not blaming them.  I created this monster myself.  The question is what to do about it.  How does one go about figuring out who she is?  

Any suggestions on this question would be greatly appreciated. 

Gasping to Live

 My last post was March 24, 2021.  

I quit breathing on March 28, 2021. 

Your first thought after reading that sentence is probably incorrect. Let me explain. 

As we know, one can only hold his/her breath for so long until one of two things have to happen: You take a breath or you die. 

It's amazing how humans can have a will to live even when they don't have a will to live.  In other words, your entire physiology is programmed to live at all costs.  The autonomic mind and body work sybiotically work to survive even when the thinking mind is ready to give up.  

That's basically what it's been like from March 28 to now.  My mind and body have been on autopilot to survive; the rest of me has been numb. Mentally, I have tried hard to stand in one place.  To venture out of the safe space would mean stepping off a cliff into something I just can't deal with.  

What happened?  

Well, here is the kick in the pants.  I can't tell you.  It's not my story to tell.  And for the last 51 years of my life, it has never been my story to tell.  The antagonists have changed over time, but the story is the same, more or less.  

As usual, someone else's shit has splattered all over me, and while I have choices as to how to deal with it, I don't have choices as well.  

It's complicated.

Suffice it to say, I can function, as needed, on a daily basis. I can smile, charm, care, encourage, complete my job with proficiency, and for all practical purposes, carry on like my life is stable, predictable, and enjoyable.  

But it's not.  

This week, in particular, has been rough.  I have been itchy within my own skin (literally and figuratively).  I am agitated, irritated, angry, just generally out of sorts, and I don't know what has caused it.

I know that I have not been accountable.  I have set the same weekly goal for myself for a month to six weeks, and have not followed through on it.  Every time that I planned to do it, there was always an interruption.  And I don't have an accountability partner, so the only one who can make me do anything is myself.  

That's another thing:  As usual, I am annoyed by the fact that those "in the know" have not been checking in on me.  I mean, seriously.  This is a big deal, and seriously, how many times have I been there for you??

But again, I'm reminded of my newly-discovered status.  I am co-dependent.  Like unbelievably co-dependent.  The discovery of which has rocked my world.  Finally, I have an explanation for my mindset and actions.  I do for others, get mad when they aren't grateful, and get sour when they don't reciprocate, even though I would rather crawl into a hole to have them even try.  

It's complicated.  

Co-dependency has swallowed up the last 51 years of my life.  It was a pattern I learned as a kid - a response to the MENTAL ILLNESS who absorbed most of the time and energy of my family.  "Don't poke the bear" has been my unspoken mantra all my life.  Just do whatever needs to be done.  Just smoothen the way for the irrational unpredictability of the MENTAL ILLNESS to avoid the shit splatter.  But guess what?  In spite of best efforts, the shit splatter always happened anyway.  Go figure.  

So now, here I am, at age 51, trying to figure out who the eff I am, what the eff I want, and how to un-learn all these self-destructive, self-centered, self-absorbed thoughts and actions to find the life that God wants me to have.  

This is extremely difficult.  

For the entire depth and breadth of my life, I have deferred to everyone else, always.  What do I want to do?  Whatever you want to do.  What do I want to eat?  Whatever you want to eat.  I have no preference. Where do I want to go?  Wherever you want to go.

I don't have a clue what I actually like, prefer, or want.  No idea.  I don't even know where to start.  It's very overwhelming.  

Maybe that's why I am so out of sorts this week.

Actually, I think it's partially because I see other people thriving.  Like moving ahead in life and going after their dreams, while I sit and spin, trying to figure out what my actual dreams are.  Good for them, but it effing sucks for me.  I feel kind of like one of those chocolate Easter bunnies.  It looks good on the outside, but once you break off a piece, you realize that it's hollow inside.  That's me.  The hollow Easter bunny.  I don't know who I am.  

I suppose I should be somewhat grateful for the events of March 28, and I guess there is a part of me that is.  Without it, who knows when I would have learned all this about myself?  So now, I am in the process of taking short, hiccupy breaths. It's like gasping on the re-surface after being under water for too long.  That first breath isn't a big one, but it's enough for the moment, but hey, it's still a breath.  It's an outward sign that I might be willing to go on.  

I don't know what comes next.  I do know that I have to do something.  Just one effing thing.  Once I do one thing, it will make it easier to do the next thing. . .and the next. . .and the next.  

Breath in.  Breath out.  Breath in.  Breath out.  

What's in your. . .past?

My daughter has severe anxiety.  The diagnosis is hers. The word, severe, is mine.  Due to a compilation of life events, she is pretty fragile. I know that's almost cliche to say these days, but for her, it's true.  It doesn't take much for her to crumble - a cross look, a sharp word, the fear of the unknown. It's all enough to shut her down completely.  Such was the case when she went to the doctor yesterday.

As is par for the course, she ended up having to wait to see her doctor.  For most of us, we don't love the waiting part, but we are usually ok to sit with our own thoughts.  In today's busy world, we don't get much time to just sit and think.  

For my daughter, the wait time is lethal.  Her mind goes into overdrive, and she works herself into a complete tizzy.  I can't say for certain what is all passing through her mind, but I just know that she is a basket of nerves when she has to wait for anything.  

As a result, as soon as she got into the examination room and her doc asked, "How are you?"  She went into meltdown mode, sobbing and spilling.  Fortunately, she has a nice, patient doctor, who was soothing, caring, and consoling.  

I know all this because my daughter shared the minutiae of her appointment with me - ok, well, at least, the details that I was allowed to hear.  When she was finished relaying the details, I asked if she had shared a significant occurence from last year - it was a defining event, something that I would classify as a need-to-know for the doc.

"No," she responded.  "I think there are just certain things that people don't need to know about." 

I didn't give that comment much thought at the time, but now, I'm stewing on it.  

I think it's safe to say that we ALL have "certain things that people don't need to know about."  These are our hidden shames, our don't-speak-aloud moments, our dark blemishes that we work very hard to keep pressed down, covered, and buried.  To us, these are the unforgiveables - the choices, events, and actions that would result in a relationship breaking point.  Our fear is that when exposed, those around us who claim to love and support us, will stare open-mouthed and appalled, shake their heads, turn away, saying, "Nope, I just can't.  That's over the line." 

Of course, that's not true.  But the truth is that we can't forgive ourselves.  Somewhere along the line, we have violated our own definition of good and acceptable behavior as well as the standard we set for ourselves. As a result, we torture ourselves, in isolation - we keep it as a private, masochistic reminder of how unworthy we are. 

Although I knew this already, it's like I just realized that everyone walks around with these secrets.

Everyone.

There are no exceptions to this.  Every person I know, every person I meet, every person I see has a secret shame. We all suffer in silence, but 

It doesn't have to be that way. 

The fact that we are all fallible beings with hurts, guilt, and regrets should allow us to ease up on the meanness we feel toward ourselves, and it certainly should invalidate any meanness that people show each other.  

The people with the deepest hurt and shame are the meannest.  Their pain is so great, so heavy and overwhelming that they want others to hurt as well.  The load is too much to bear, so they spill the load and their out-of-control, caged-animal emotions on those around them.  

But why.  I mean, seriously, why? 

If we are all in the same boat, why don't we cling to each other instead of throw each other over the side? Why do we hide? Why do we throw a tarp over ourselves? 

Given what I have seen in my 50 years, I can't think of time when someone has walked away from another who has revealed a deep, shameful hurt.  In fact, I have seen quite the opposite - people rushing in to comfort, offer aid, and reaffirm.  

And yet, we still resist confessing the truth and persist in keeping our secrets. . .secret.  

Nothing will be solved in this post.  I can't change human nature.  The only person I can change and control is myself.  Thus, there are two takeaways for me today.  First, I have a different perspective of others.  Not huge or anything, but a perspective of understanding that we ALL carry something.  Thus, gentleness and kindness are better choices than criticism or negativity.  Second, I, too, have repressed secrets - things that I don't want anyone to know, but maybe it's time that I unearth them.  My story may inspire someone else to tell his or her story, and together, we begin the process of healing.  

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37: 4

 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

Somewhere along the line, I decided (or maybe it was decided for me) that I was going to focus on God's Promises.  I probably read something in my devotions that made me think of it.  Anyway, I came across a web-site that listed them, and this is one that caught my eye.

Recently, I started reading about the purpose of prayer in my "big book" of Oswald Chambers.  He talked about the purpose of prayer is to get to know God better.  

For most of my life, I have regarded prayer as almost a grocery list.  Yes, I have purposely started the prayer in showing gratitude to God and praising Him for who He is, but then, I would launch off into my laundry list of concerns - listing those on my heart as well as the reasons why they are concerning to me.  

After reading Chambers's comments, I started thinking about my prayers, and it dawned on me that I have spent the bulk of my prayer life in telling God what I wanted. In essence, I have been telling God what to do, trying to direct His action to where and what I thought needed to be done.  

God does not need my help or advice.  Not at all.  He already knows what everybody needs.  He already knows how the story ends.  He has already planned the perfect ending. What have I been thinking - trying to tell the God of the Universe how He should run His rodeo.  The presumption. What I have always regarded as piety and faith is nothing of the sort.  It's the exact opposite.  In my conversation, I have been sending Him the message that I know better than He how to take care of business. 

He has been most patient with me, enduring my adolescent prayer approach.  I imagine Him smiling indulgently at me, as one does with a three-year-old who is telling a story.  

Three year olds often drone on and on, adding far more details than are necessary. They often go off on tangents, even forgetting the original purpose and direction of the story.  The child is oblivious; s/he is caught in his/her own world.  Self-absorbed, the child lacks the wherewithal to pick up on the non-verbal cues from the listener.  Meanwhile, the listener starts amused, but grows increasing annoyed.  

I don't think God has been annoyed with me.  I think He is appreciative of the fact that I want to spend time with Him at all.  But I would imagine He is a little sad that I don't "get it."  I mean, come on.  I'm fifty.  I should have figured out by now what prayer is and what God wants it to be.  

Anyway, after thinking about it, I tried a new approach on Friday.  Rather than launch off into my please-God list, I just repeated "God is Sovereign" over and over and imagined all the different ways and places in which He is sovereign.  

I can't remember the last time I felt such peace.  Seriously.  I was in a place that I did not want to leave.  I was content. I felt safe.  When I finally roused myself so that I could go to work, I felt a bouyancy in going to work.  It's hard to explain. 

I think that is the message in the promise.  "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  

In the past, I have looked at the word, desires, as in my desires - that which I want, or my "list." But the true desire of my heart is a longing for Him.  It is a desire to be in relationship with Him. It is a desire to know and be known.  It is a desire to love and be loved.  It is a desire for safety, peace, and belonging.  It is when I quiet my mind and heart that I find Him.  

And that is what prayer is for.  

Reading His Word, spending time with Him in prayer, inviting His Holy Spirit, serving Him, moving when He prompts, loving the unlovable, seeking Him in nature. . .all of these are ways for us to grow in Him, to spend time to with Him, to abide in Him. 

These are all the ways in which we take delight in Him, and these are all the ways in which He gives us the desires of our hearts.

I try to keep. . .because

 Today's prompt is I try to keep. . .because. . .

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak.  I suppose that could be regarded in two different ways: The physical and the spiritual.  Let's talk about the latter first because it's easier.

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this - an eternity with Christ - because otherwise, life seems pointless and bleak.  Let's face it; life on Earth is pretty sucky right now, and I'm not just talking about Covid.  The marginalized spirituality that I see and have to endure is often more than I can take.  I find myself asking, "Do you really believe that?" in my head quite often whenever someone surprises me with a clearly NON-Biblical belief or justification.  It's disappointing.  I suppose I sound super-judgy for saying that, but I truly wonder how many people are actually cracking open their Bibles and really reading them.  I'm not talking about a superficial pass over the words; I'm talking about an in-depth mediation over the meaning.  

It seems these days that people are quick to take the parts of the Bible they like and reject the rest.  I suppose that has been happening forever, but obviously, it's on my radar because I live in the here and now and have to deal with it. 

Likewise, I believe people have become confused.  They often intermingle tolerance and love as being one in the same.  Not so.  They believe that being tolerant is a form of love.  It's actually the opposite. Not hate, exactly, but if you allow someone to believe and act in a way that is contradictory to what you know is morally true (as in, it says it in the Bible - our only true, infallible resource when it comes to how to live), then you are actually being not only indifferent but harmful to their spiritual destiny.  It's not love.  That's for sure.  

I don't go looking for fights.  I try to let my life do the talking for me.  If I live with integrity - reflecting the values I believe - I am hoping that this is a message that resonates.  As I read, this seems to be what God wants from me.  As Oswald Chambers said this morning, God doesn't need to me to do things FOR Him; He needs me to do things WITH Him.  He has all the power and influence in the world.  He doesn't need me to mess up His plan with my well-intentioned but ill-stated words and actions. He just needs me to come alongside and act and speak as He requests.  

This is what give me hope. Life isn't as bleak when I know how the story ends.  

The phrase, I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak, also applies to my current employment situation.  

There does not seem to be any movement in another direction.  I've tried twice, but to no avail.  No response even.  Maybe no response is a response.  Maybe I'm suppose to stay put.  Right now, that feels bleak, mostly because I'm so unhappy.

As I know, happiness is built on physical conditions and circumstances.  I am allowing the physical to determine and manipulate my level of happiness.  Overall, what I need to do is really isolate those aspects of this job that are making me unhappy and address them specifically.  I have agency over some of it.  For example, I am super-pissy about working every night.  No one is making me work. I feel compelled to do the work, only because of an inner drive.  Quite honestly, I'm not even sure that the inner drive is even admirable.  It almost sounds a little like a pride issue to me.  So, yes, I think I am making myself unhappy, which is almost always the case for everyone.  And then, I end up thinking that I'm being disrespected because I'm unappreciated for going the extra mile when no one expects me to. It's really kind of stupid now that I think about it. 

Next, what I do is not bleak or pointless.  Not at all.  I serve an important purpose in kids' lives.  I am there.  I am present.  I notice them.  I nurture them.  I hold them accountable.  I challenge them.  In short, I parent them, and for some, they need it.  My intention is to help mentor and grow admirable adults of integrity (and that word has multiple meanings).  

Once again, I have been really short-sighted, playing the victim which is something I detest in others. I truly am the protagonist here.  If I don't like something in the story, I can just change it.  I am the author and the hero. I guess I need to be my own champion too because no one else is going to do it for me.  

I think I have it wrong.  I should not be focused on what's beyond; I should be focused on the right now.  Being fully present.  Looking too far ahead will make me miss the opportunities that God has put into my path for right now.  He wants me to come alongside His endeavors, not plan them for Him.  Being in the moment, and relishing it, is what happiness is.  

What is Beauty?

 On a whim, I bought myself some red roses the other day at the local market.  Although I love all things green and colorful, there is something about a rose that fascinates me.  

While the scent is intoxicating, and the varieties are breathtaking, it's the coil that does it for me.  The tighter and larger the center coil of rose petals, the more I admire it.  The result is a large, full, eye-catching bud/bouquet.

What is it about the coil? Perhaps I admire the perfection of it - the way in which all the buds lie one on top of the other in perfect symmetry.  Each hip, combined with all the others, creates a remarkable piece of art.  It is a picture of beauty, in which all the pieces must work together to achieve the desired effect of flawlessness.

Today, as I pulled the bouquet out of the vase to refresh the water, I noticed that two were already wilty. After pulling them out, I decided that they weren't ready for the trash yet, so I pulled the hips off and put them into a bowl.  

Even though they were no longer a part of the bouquet, even though they were no longer no longer nestled together in perfectly-constructed layers, they were still beautiful.  Each hip was still a brilliant red.  Each hip was still glossy and silky.  Each hip was still valuable, beautiful and worthy on its own.  

Isn't that like us?  We pride ourselves and admire each other for seemingly-perfect symmetry.  When it seems as though all the layers - work, home, church, etc - or the people in our lives are seemingly-ideally aligned, we congratulate ourselves and others on the success - the beauty of achievement.

But here's the deal.  The beauty of a moment is fleeting.  Just as a bouquet lasts only for a short time, so does that which we call perfection.  People chase that moment their whole lives, always wanting to recapture that feeling - of success, of admiration, of accomplishment. I think they are missing the point.

The whole is made up of pieces.  Just as each rose hip is necessary to create a marvelous bouquet, so are the rose hips of our lives.  

These rose hips are sometimes lovely and wonderful.  Just as often, they are ugly or difficult.  Always, there is beauty, if we choose to look for it. Likewise, the combination of them all creates the bouquet of our lives.  It is a unique fragrance, created just for each one.  Each hip is valuable, beautiful, and worthy on its own. 

The moment we begin to truly see each hip for what it is, the moment when we begin to see other's hips for what they are, is the moment when we will see the beauty of life and the importance of grace. 

Being a 2: The Altruist/Helper

When I'm listening to podcasts, I often hear people reference their ennegram number.  I couldn't remember if I had actually done that assessment in the past, so I just took the quiz this morning.  According to my results, I am a 2: The Altruist or Helper.  

I suppose that's true enough.  I usually put my whatever aside so that I can help someone else with their whatever, usually their emotional whatever.  It sounds well enough, and it is, but it is also the very thing I whine most about - the fact that I often put aside my own dreams and aspirations to help someone reach his/hers. Many times in my head, I have seen the visual of me on the ground, acting as the base, while others stand on my shoulders to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve.  People see the "flyer," but they don't see the base.  That gets frustrating for me.  Of course, I would never admit that to someone else. It's safer just to plunk it out here. 

The ironic part in all that is that I do NOT like attention.  It seems as though I am whining BECAUSE I want to be noticed, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Whenever my efforts for assistance are acknowledged, I get really uncomfortable.  That's mostly because I believe that this is just a cornerstone of life - to help one another when needed.  

My whining stems from the fact that I do not get to see my dreams and aspirations come to fruition.  And it's my own damn fault.  I do NOT want anyone else's help; I want to do it on my own.  But in being a helper, I always put aisde my own schedule and plans when someone else needs help.  Basically, I sabotage myself, and then, I have the audacity to whine about it.  Pfft.  How stupid.  

The question that arises, of course is why do I do that?  The easy answer is that I HATE to see anyone in pain. I HATE for anyone to feel alone and despondent.  I HATE for anyone to feel hope-less. I feel compelled to be the person I needed.  There have been times in my life when I have really been in teh gutter.  The people whom I assumed would be there to NOTICE and subsequently help me walk through the gutter (not carry me) were not there.  For a variety of reasons, they did not SEE me.  Sometimes, it was because they were too busy.  Sometimes, it was because they were self-centered (and I would say many people fall into this category).  Sometimes, it was because they did just did not want to (too much time and effort). Sometimes, it was because they did not know how and were afraid to try.  All of the time, it sent a clear message to me that I was not important to them.  I ido not ever want to be THAT person.

As a result, I have become about as self-sufficient as one can become.  Actually, that's not true.  I have become extremely God-dependent.  I wish I could add, "as one can become," but I know that I still have a long way to go. Yes, I take care of my own own emotional business, with God's help.  I have learned not to rely on others.  This leads to disappointment in others, which almost always turns into anger for me. When this happens, the anger poisons the relationship (for me), and I no longer want to be associated with the person.  For now, I keep people at arm's length. That keeps me safe and not judgmental.  

That still does not address the problem at hand.  What to do about my own failings when it comes to my dreams, goals, and aspirations.  I have said for years, and have yet to really make it happen, that I need to protect my schedule.  I need to protect the time I allot for myself and my endeavors.  Hold the line.  But it never really happens.  My plans will crumble at a moment's notice when I am "needed."

But here's a thought: Am I always needed?  I may be the first impulse for some people, but am I THE only one who can help?  Perhaps by jumping in all the time I am thwarting progress for someone else?  Perhaps the person him or herself needs to learn more God-dependency.  I do not want to send the message that I don't care, but boundaries are incredibly important and healthy.  Perhaps I am interrupting the development of altruism in someone else? It's a thought. But I still believe that God has gifted me (or perhaps it has been developed based on my human experiences) with the intuition and awareness to KNOW when I am needed.  The Bible is pretty clear that I am to LOVE, to be AVAILABLE, to SHOW HOSPITALITY, etc.  The Bible is also pretty clear that God will give me the desires of my heart in due time (His time).

So what do I do now?  How do I find and have peace? Do what He calls me to do.  Live in such relatioship with Him that my desires, aspirations, and dreams reflect His.  It is truly in being one with Him that I find true Joy in being who I am. That is where I find peace.  That is where I find fulfillment and contentment.  That is who I was made to be.  I have been listening too much to the world.  It tells me that that "I" and "me" are the two most important words.  They are not.  That is a worldly focus.  That's what got us as a human race in trouble in the first place.  God's purposes for my life are best.  He knows me better than anyone else - truly knows what I think, worry about, care about, etc. As a result, He knows best how and where and why to find joy and purpose in my life.  

The world may say that I am a 2. The world may say that I am an INFJ.  God says, "You are mine, Beloved."  I see you. I hear you.  I made you. I know you.  Trust me to show you all the beauty, happiness, joy, peace, and blessing there is for you.  Trust me.  Rest in me.  

Ephesians 3: 17-19: May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.