Either way, I win.

 Believe it or not, I actually did it.  On Tuesday afternoon, I finished the application and submitted my credentials.  Right before I pushed “Submit,” I prayed over it.  God’s Will be done. 

This afternoon, as Mike and I were finishing our walk, I came to a sort of epiphany.  Well, epiphany sounds like quite a high-falutin’ word, but it was a sort of resolution.  

Either way, I am fine.  Either way, I will be fine.  

Scenario 1:  Should God decide that I’m ready for something new, then it’s game on.  If all of my life’s experiences have assimilated in this moment, and it’s time to surge forward, then, I’m ready to do it. The new situation could involve working with adults only (good and bad).  The new situation will involve constant problem-solving, creative thinking, growth and innovation.  It may involve travel. It will mean moving into the adult world - earning respect and collaborating.  It will be taxing but energizing at the same time.  It will mean working with people all the time, which will be exhausting and draining for me, but energizing at the same time. 

Scenario 2:  Should God decide that I need to stay where I am, then I will still work for Him, but I will not wok at the same pace, nor will I give of the best parts of myself to this job anymore.  There will be no more working until the late hours of the night.  There will be no more innovation.  I will lower my expectations to the basement floor.  I will not expect anything of my students.  If they are present and do anything at all, they will pass the class. There will be no conflict.  No one will say my name with pride anymore, and we will all wait for me to retire.  

All of my creativity and innovation will be poured into my endeavors:  writing and other creative projects.  What is mine will be available for the right price.  

Likewise, my summers and evenings will be dedicated to family and me.  I will help out at The Goodness as needed or spend time with my grandkids.  There is no downside here. 

Either way, I will win.  

I’m tired of being the loser.  All. The. Time.  

I have given all, and all has been taken.  

And not appreciated.  

It is time for me to take care of me and what is mine. 

Either way, I win. 

How to Make Friends

My daughter called late last night.  She was on the way home from a friend's and wanted to de-compress, I guess.  As we tripped along various topics, we landed on the subject of friendships. 

Her greatest desire these days is to have one true friend - the kind of person you can share all your deepest, darkest secrets with and someone who will not judge.  Essentially, she is describing a spouse, but she doesn't know that.  Since I have been married for 30+ years, I see very clearly that this is the relationship she yearns for, but she hasn't met "the one" who will be that person for her.  

I tried to tell her that friendship (apart from marriage) is best when it isn't exclusive.  You need to spread your friendship eggs around and put them into a variety of baskets.  It's safer that way.  I also explained to her that different friendships serve different purposes.  For example, there are work friends, church friends, hobby friends, etc.  Each type of friend is useful and necessary for different reasons.  To explain, work friends will understand your complaints and inside jokes about work, whereas your family and other friends just won't get it.  As a result, most friendships are fluid.  They last for a while, and then, they are done.

She, of course, didn't like hearing that.  She is looking for ultimate loyalty and longevity, neither of which are possible in consideration the nature of humanity. People are selfish.  When the going gets rough, it is rare for a friend to hang in there until the bitter end.  Your spouse - your ultimate friend (if you have chosen wisely) is the only who will be there through the final round, and s/he will be the one to hand you the towel, rub your back, and bind your wounds or celebrate your win - whichever the situation requires.  S/he is the only who care more about you than the circumstance, and is someone who truly loves you care more about you than themselves.  

Like I said, most friends won't make it that far.  And unfortunately, for my daughter, these are the kinds of selfish garbage friends she has had in her life thus far. 

Anyway, that's not the point of what I'm writing about anyway.

As I was talking to her, I started thinking about friendship, trying to think of advice to give her about making friends since this is so important to her.  As we age, I think it gets tougher and tougher to make friends, mostly because we get set in our ways about the company we keep.  Either we want no company and prefer to be on our own, or we settle into the relationships we have because they are comfortable and require no fuss (kind of like a well-worn shoe). 

Even so, in my musings, I came to this conclusion.  If you want to make a friend, you have to pay attention to what they want and give it to them. Remember: people are selfish. 

So what do I mean by that? 

Most people will show you what they want in a friendship.  It is up to you to be observant and fill the need. For example, the way in which they show love to others is almost always the way in which they want to be shown love. 

For example, I have a friend who likes to give small gifts but write long messages in cards to go with the gift.  The card will be filled with descriptive compliments, celebrating the recipients qualities.  While I appreciate these gifts and cards, I have picked up on an important cue from that friend.  Words are extremely important to her.  Since she puts careful thought, time, and attention to what she says to friends, she longs for the same thing to return to her.  She wants to hear how she is special, unique, and beneficial to the world.  It's up to me to pick up on that cue and return it.  That is how friendship is established.  

I have another friend who gives the most thoughtful gifts.  They are specifically chosen for the recipient; the gift will only make sense and be meaningful to the recipient.  This, too, has taught me how to be a friend to her.  She appreciates thoughtful gifts in which I have remembered a small, but significant detail - that I have retained and remembered our conversations and that which is most important to her.

Now, of course, these all reflect our love languages: Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have friends in all these categories, but the categories themselves don't matter.  What matters is that I have paid attention; they have shown me what they want and need from relationship.  I have provided that. As a result, we have developed a friendship.  

And that's what I need my daughter to know.  To gain friends, you just need to pay attention and give people what they need.  If they are potential friendship material, they will reciprocate.  If they don't, walk away.  These people are takers. All they do is sop up all your energy, violate boundaries, and leave you depleted.  

It may sound a little harsh, but it's true.  The unfortunate part is that most 20-somethings are quite self-involved. We all were at some people, and most of us grow out of it.  To be a 20-something means having to deal with and sift through a lot of selfishness.  It can be exhausting, but honestly, that's why we were all put on this earth.  First, to glorify God, and second, to love each other.  That means we can't give up the quest to build relationships.  

So to summarize, how do you gain a friend? Observe. First question: Is this person someone I want to know better? Second question: How do they love and love on others?  When you know the answer, send it back to them and watch the friendship grow. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 3

  "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

Tonight the "good thing" that comes to mind is freedom.

One of the ways in which Satan keeps us, keeps me from moving forward is bondage.  I find myself bound by my past mistakes.  I am bound by the replay of the garbage I tell myself.  I am bound by fear, most of it imaginary.  

I'm generally not very nice to myself.  The way in which I talk to myself and treat myself is a far cry from the way I would treate or talk to others.  I have terrible guilt and shame complexes.  For most of my life, I feel as though I have been living according to a Catholic ideal - doing good deeds to try to make up for the bad that I've done.  God never said I had to do that; I impose that idea and practice upon myself.  

As a result, I live a very unfulfilling life.  Yes, I am dutiful, and yes, I am supportive and encouraging of others, but I am not very fulfilled at all.  Yes, it makes me feel good to do for others, but no, I am not accomplishing anything that I personally want to accomplish.  In theory that sounds ok - living an others-oriented life, but because it feels as though there is a hole, it is not ok. 

Actively sharing my faith - loving others AND rolling guilt, shame, worry, fear, anger, etc, off my shoulders onto God's helps me to understand every good thing that God wants for me.  He does not want me to walk around feeling guilty and ashamed.  He wants me to live a joy-filled life of love.  He wants me to use everything I have and am to glorify Him.  That's why I was created.  

So how does the sharing of my faith lead me to freedom? For one, it shifts the focus from myself to someone else.  It shifts my focus to God and what He has done for me/us, and it shifts my focus onto the person in front of me.  It's not about me.  I'm not thinking about, worrying about, or stressing over myself, which seems to be the center of trouble when it comes to depression.  

I just really love the latter half of that verse: , , , "you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."  Oh, how I would love to really understand every good thing.  It seems like most mornings, I sit on the floor and whine to God about all that is on my mind and all that is making me upset.  Wouldn't it be lovely to spend my minutes in prayer celebrating every good thing. Of course, that line of thinking is up to me.  I choose what I want to focus on.  I choose whether or not to fret or send those worries on down the road.  The choice is up to me.  It's time to not only actively LIVE my faith but share it as well.  

If two of us are committed to sharing our faith, we encourage one another.  We leave no room for Satan to enter in and bind us.  And the more we share, the larger the circle gets until Satan can't penetrate the circle. 

Philemon 1:6 Part 2

 "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I missed yesterday due to my job, which has been the story of my life for the last 28 years.  Personal goals and lives seem to always be expected to be sacrificed at the altar of teaching, which is not ok at all.

Anyway, I think I will consider the first part of that verse today - "active in sharing your faith." What does it mean to be active?  I think the first idea that comes to a lot of people's minds is sharing what you believe - like physically telling people.  I also think that is probably about the least effective way of going about business.  If you're a check-the-box kind of person, verbally sharing is a fast and "easy" way to actively share your faith, but it's also a big turn-off to most of the people on the planet.

As a human race, we spend all our days, hearing (not necessarily listening) people tell us things. The funny-no-so-funny aspect about that is that most humans know that this is the least satisfactory method, earning the worst track record for learning longetivity.  People have short attention spans and truly "hear" only a small portion of the message.  That said, if one is relying on a verbal presentation to check the box, s/he is getting the task done, but not being very effective.  Plus, in addition to failing in delivering the message to the listener, what is the actual benefit to the speaker?  I'm sure s/he gains confidence in relaying his/her message; i.e, the more you do it, the more comfortable you are in doing it. But other than that, what?  It's not going to be like s/he is gaining any friends in that method? 

As I think about being "active in sharing your faith," I think about action.  That's where the word, "active," comes from.  People really don't care that much about words; they care more about action and integrity.  Who is the person behind the words?  I am more apt to listen to someone if I actually respect him/her.  That means I will be watching and gauging his/her words and behavior first before I listen to a message. 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act under pressure.  Do you explode in anger?  Do you let the cuss words fly?  Do you chew out and/or blame others? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you act when you presume no one is watching.  Are you kind to all - the person who opens doors at a hotel? The customer service person who does returns at Walmart? The customer service rep on the phone who doesn't make the policies but who has to take the abuse of angry customers? The person in front of you? 

Actively sharing your faith is the little kindnesses you do that are so small that they go unnoticed but are definitely a huge part in a day's functioning.  For example, do you load the copier when the paper is low?  Do you unjam the machine, even if it isn't your fault? Do you do a little prep work for the colleague who is running behind? Do you say thank-you for every kindness, no matter how large or small? Do you recognize others before yourself? 

Actively sharing your faith is how you talk about others when you're not in church or around church people.  Do you participate in gossip? Do you listen to the gossip, which is an implicit act of acceptance, or do you walk away?  Do you use derogatory language, racial slurs or make racist or sexist remarks? Are you hyper-critical of others, especially and often conveniently "forgetting" your own short-comings? Are you more self-less or selish?

You might think I'm being all uppity in asking these questions, but what you don't know if that I'm asking them more of myself than anyone else. I'm doing a dipstick check of myself to see if I'm being a total dipstick.  Am I actually, actively sharing my faith? 

I think there is a reason why that part comes first in the verse.  We are meant to really consider our present reality because IT affects that back half of the verse.  If we are consistent in being mindful and authentic in actively sharing our faith, it WILL give us a practical, whole understanding of every good thing that WE have (have been given/shown) in Christ.  It also leads us to the good life that Christ wants for us.  

That's enough for today.  I have to do to a staff meeting.  We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Philemon 1:6: Part 1

 The verse that chose me this week is Philemon 1:6.  Is it really even 1? There are no other chapters? Anyway, I am committed to writing about this verse all week.

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." 

I wonder what that last half all encompasses - an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ? One good thing that comes to mind is peace.  I really need that right now.  I feel very unsettled, especially tonight.  

I have had a terrible day, mostly because I have been a terrible person all day.  It started this morning even before I left for work.  My daughter is always on my mind, and since Saturday night, she has been seriously ghosting.  She said she would call on Sunday, and she ghosted me all day and was even belligerent.  Naturally, I woke up last night, all in a dither - like heart palpitations and the whole enchilada.  I have started this new thing now - where my muscles seize, like tighten up - from my legs to my chest.  It feels like the edge of a panic attack.  Anyway, it's happened twice and always in the middle of the night.  It's not just Erika; it's any particular thing that has been nagging me.  So yes, the first good thing I crave is peace.

What would it be like to have true peace?  To be relaxed and unfazed by the swirling chaos.  Most of the time, I'm ok during the day, but even today, that was not true.  This morning, I felt it creeping in as soon as the two-page checklist went up on the screen, which was immediately followed by the out-of-control-sized Padlet.  It was too much.  I started crying, so it was a good thing I was in my room by myself.  I was kind of stupid and confessed my upset to Candace.  I'm sure that worried her and Nick (from whom I got a pretty nice text this afternoon). 

I think I have become so busy at praying for and worrying about everyone else's peace that my own has suffered.  The world is an absolutely icky place right now: Covid, restrictions, distance/synchronous learning, mental illness everywhere, plus just the regular, on-going worries.  

How does actively sharing my faith tie to experiencing peace? If you confess it to others enough, it actually becomes true for you - like, say something over and over enough, and eventually, it transfers to action? Maybe by saying it over and over again, you have the repeated reminder.  That's true for me. I read my devotions in the morning, and it is a powerful experience at the time, but throughout the course of the day, I get further and further away from that truth.  That's part of the reason why I am challenging myself to memorize Scripture this year.  Look at what happened today, as an example. I read my devotions.  Oswald Chambers, in particular, left an impression (even though I can't tell you what he said right now - I just remember the emotion attached to it), but as the day went on, I acted more and more like a total jackass, an absolute abomination to everything that I believe.  So shameful.  

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have an understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." Philemon 1:6

I have no answer tonight.  I will write again tomorrow. 

Cherry-Picking is Wrong

 “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.” Titus 3:1

During devotions, this was the verse I read this morning.

In my lifetime, I can count on one hand the number of leaders under whom I have been led and for whom I have had deep respect and admiration. Although I haven’t always agreed with their decisions, values, and direction, I have tried to be respectful and compliant to those in authority over me. Tried. Have I always been successful? No, not by a long shot. Although my hot temper has cooled considerably over the years, I’m still working on my over-active, often-critical, and ever-sarcastic mouth. When I have been out of line, I have apologized.

My point is this: People like to cherry-pick Bible verses and grab only the ones, or pieces of ones, that align with their current worldview. In the verse above, most people would probably be fine where it starts with “to be ready to do what is good” on down and skip the first part.

There is another verse that says, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. “ 2 Timothy 3:16 NLT. That’s means all of it, even and maybe especially the parts that make us a little chafy.

Until a leader asks me to do something that is in opposition to my faith and Scripture, I will press on and continue to strive to be respectful and compliant because that is what God has said He wants of me.

Out of the Ashes Springs New Life

Amidst my nerdery this morning (I was watching a documentary while walking on the treadmill), commentary from the narrator caught my ear and resonated. He said:

"In order to thrive, forests, large and small, depend on fire. Many conifers seal their cones with resin, which must burn away before the seeds can germinate. Out of the ashes springs new life. Trees are born in fire."

To quote someone else I know, "what's true in the physical is true in the spiritual."

In order to become whom we need to be, we all need to endure a fire. Most of us pass through many firestorms, and no one gets a free pass. It's true that the fires we experience are often unexpected, destructive and devastating right away. But from the ashes springs new life. Change is a part of life - some changes we get to control, and others we don't. But our attitude about the whole business is entirely within our control.