Finding Happiness Amid Rumors and Labels

Almost a year ago, we were all hanging on to life by our fingernails.  I am starting the journey to processing that all soon.  Suffice it to say, it was a scary situation, and not surprising, there were lingering consequences.  

My daughter was in the mood to chat last night, and it’s clear that she is still processing those consequences, which she should, but of course, as her mom I don’t like to see her in pain.  

One of those consequences is a broken relationship.  While that is a consequence in and of itself, the fact that the person from whom the relationship was severed has presumably shared her perspective on it all with other people.

Further complicating the matter is the fact that both my daughter and this person live in the same town and have mutual acquaintances. It’s a small town.  I’m sure you can see where this is all going.

In contemplating all this during my devotional time this morning, I pulled my journal out (yeah, I keep handwritten journals as well) and started writing.  One of the reasons why I journal and keep this blog is because it is through writing that God seems to reveal His wisdom to me.  Some may think that it’s all just my thoughts and ideas, and I suppose that is a valid claim since my name and handwriting are attached to both, but I am pretty firm in saying that these thoughts are not my own.  I wouldn’t come up with them and certaining wouldn’t write about them if God didn’t put them there in the first place.  

The question under fire is this:  Is it possible to find happiness and live a happy life amid the rumors and labeling that others perpetuate about you?

The answer, of course, is yes.  

It’s a matter of character. It means choosing, over and over, to diverge from the popular path and take the high road when others on the road are ganging up and blocking your path. 

Here, then, is the next question: Does a person’s character have to change first, or does a series of mindful, purposeful habits create the desired character? 

The only empirical evidence and the remedy to people’s misguided notions about us is action, specifically kind actions.  The kindness has to be genuine, which alludes to the fact that a person’s true character has to be addressed.  But does character have to be first?  Of course, that would be preferred, but I think character is shaped by our habits as well.

Kindness can be a habit first, I believe.  It’s a choice; then it becomes a mindset and ultimately a way of life.  In my experience, I can attest that it is definitely impossible for people to be or remain angry, be negative toward, or spread rumors about someone who is kind to them.  That is a fact. You can’t control what people do or say; you can only control yourself. And when you are kind, the acid inside them toward you, becomes alkaline.  

That is certainly my modus operandi at work.  As I have relayed in previous posts, my current position is stressful for a variety of reasons, one of which is that it has created a different working dynamic between my colleagues and me.  No matter what I perceive, or think I perceive, about my colleagues’ opinions of me and this job at work, I know that the best antidote to it all (the negative perceptions and the real feelings) is consistent, patient kindness. 

That’s the advice that I passed along to my daughter this morning.  The ball is in her court now.  While it’s true that people may be mean, I can also attest to the fact that most people have a soft spot for underdogs.  Given the slightest bit of encouragement and hope, those who were once our biggest slanderers can become our biggest supporters in a blink of an eye.   

“Remember there is no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” Scott Adams

Take Cover

"To someone who prays in faith, unanswered prayers are simply the evidence that the answer is much closer."

1. "To someone who prays in faith. . ." Although I can't say for sure, I assume (since I once did) that many people treat prayer like a grocery list - listing their requests.  It sounds pretty pious, and I'm sure that they have the best intentions.  For goodness sake, if one taking the time to pray, it's highly doubtful that s/he would have anything other than good intentions!

Sometimes, though, we go into prayer with that the attitude that it would be super-cool if this would happen, and it would be nice, Lord, if you would allow this to happen, but we don't necessarily believe that it's going to happen.

Faith is an all-in endeavor: You either have it or you don't.  God honors righteous prayers -prayer that put Him, His Will, and His Kingdom first. Period.  And because He never lies, and because His Will is perfect, there is no reason to doubt.  Ever.  In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, ". . . Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

2. "Unanswered prayers are simply the evidence. . ." I think we have to be careful with this phrase.  God answers prayers all the time.  He doesn't necessary answer them in the way we think they should be answered, though, and thank goodness for that.  When I think about the way in which God has addressed and answered, some of my prayer requests over the years, I am reminded of and so thankful for the fact that His Will is perfect, and He knows much better than I how to address the situation.  In 100% of the circumstances, His solution or answer far surpassed what I requested in terms of blessing and impact.  

Sometimes, though, God is silent for a time.  Sometimes, it takes a while for God's perfect plan to unfold.  If we are people of true faith (see #1), as impatient as we may be, we rest in the knowledge that God's got this.  He's got this. He hears you.  He knows your heart.  He knows your intentions - why you made the request.  Trust Him to wow you as He pulls it all together for His Kingdom glory.
  
"When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait." Oswald Chambers

3. ". . .the answer is much closer."  Often it's so close that we can't see it, largely because we are focusing on the wrong thing.  Often, as impatience increases, our dependence on God decreases.

For good or ill, as I see it, while in the physical realm, our spiritual lives are a continuum - on one side is selfishness and on the other is God.  Life on earth is a constant struggle - an interminable shifting between selfishness and God. 

The great lesson in life is learning to discipline ourselves to recognize selfishness and run to the shelter He provides on his side of the continuum. Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." The more time we spent there, the more peace and joy we experience.  Above all, God's love for us is affirmed in the shelter of those wings.  

If our prayers are a mirror to that love, we can be assured that they will be answered. . .are answered.  Perfectly.  At the right time.  In exactly the right way.  

Praise be to God the Father, the Almighty. Beginning and End. 

It's a matter of 'tude: Gladitude or saditude.

Lately, I have been struggling with my job.  This is year 2 of a different position - more of a leadership position with my peers/colleagues, and I have been struggling with the transition.  I miss my old job, which was largely working directly with students.  Once upon a time, I went into teaching because I loved my subject matter.  Now, twenty-some years later, my first love, the reason I can't wait to get to work, is my students. I love talking with them, exploring new ideas with them, encouraging them, and working through the hard -school-related and life-related - with them.

While I still get to work with students, I largely work with adults, coming alongside them to help them with goals. Working with adults is a whole different ball game.  Therefore, I think what I miss most of all is the feeling of security and familiarity that I had with my old position. 

As a teacher, I knew who I was.  I had a clear identity and a clearly-defined purpose.  I feel as though I definitely knew (know) how to teach and interact with kids. Likewise, I was largely autonomous. When the door closed to my classroom, the students and I functioned in a learning environment that worked well for both of us.

The new endeavor is relatively new, and a colleague and I are figuring this all out by feeling around in the dark.  My identity is being redefined, and often, I struggle with putting my finger on purpose.  That's one of the worst parts.  I am one who needs to believe that what I do matters and is having lasting impact.  There are many days I go home, wondering if I actually accomplished anything of significance and meaning. 

Another really difficult part is working with adults.  I have always been far more comfortable around teenagers.  Whether family, church, or social events, I have always gravitated toward the kids in the room versus the adults.  Therefore, this new work challenge is a stretch for me.  I have found that kids are far more acquiescent and optimistic.  In comparison to adults, students are more open to novelty and change, are more willing to trust and try, and generally respond to kindness and relationship without suspicion. 

No matter how much reassurance, kindness or encouragement that I have tried to extend, I have felt as though my efforts have been largely rebuffed or dismissed, which hurts and sucks in equal measure.

In an effort to try to pull myself out of this funk, I started listening to Larry Osborne's video series, Lead. The series is meant for spiritual leaders, but the shepherding he is talking about applies to my situation as well. 

Some takeaways thus far have been that it's not about me; it's about the sheep.  If I want them to follow me, I have to put aside my agenda and focus on them.  I'm going to give myself a C in that regard thus far.  In coaching, I have tried to put others' needs first because that's how it works.  But there are certain agenda items that we need to accomplish that have been met with resistance thus far.

Another takeaway is that I have to be fully prepared to be misunderstood.  There are times when I need to make decisions, which cannot be explained due to confidentiality.  Sometimes leadership means that people will be mad at you.

Also, I have to remember to meet people where they are - which is sometimes in a place of fear and weakness.  I have to always be positive.  Larry insists that leaders should self-impose a No Complaining rule.  If I leader is negative, that attitude is contagious and will spoil the environment.  I agree.  Sometimes this is tough because just like every other human on the planet, I get frustrated at work.  However, it seems imperative that I find a way to release that frustration without using my mouth.  Authentic relationship is important, but a relationship based on negativity is not going to result in growth. 

Larry also talked about the importance of actions over words.  More is caught than taught.  The action is the halls is more powerful than the values on the walls.  Yeah, he speaks in bumper speaker, but his bumper stickers make sense. 

During my prayer time this morning, I brought this all before God, and He told me a few important things.  First, he reminded me that, in his opinion, I have the skill set for this position. I have what I would consider some pretty good human relations skills.  I have experience and knowledge.  Basically, He was telling me that I have the tools I need to do this. 

It's a matter of 'tude: Gladitude or saditude. 

Next, He brought to mind the fact that I need to keep a flexible schedule.  I am a very organized, scheduled person, but "peopling" is not so linear.  As has been the case with kids over the years, they generally want to open up or talk at the most inopportune moments.  At least, I think it's inopportune because there was something else I wanted to get done.  Those are perfectly-timed God-appointments, which I shamefully admit, I have missed due to the fact that I thought my schedule was more important.  I need to keep my eyes and ears open and be available/amenable to the people whom I serve. 

Interestingly enough, when I got to work this morning, there were a series of God-appointments that popped up, one immediately when I arrived at work.  I got there early, and a student was randomly passing by my room. He and I had interacted a few times last year, but he proceeded to chat for about a half hour (at 7:00 am?!) about his family, job, etc.  It seems God was checking to see if I had been paying attention.

Lastly, God talked to me about my desire for purpose.  He told me to pay attention to the various tasks that I complete in a day - to focus on at least one positive, impactful aspect of that task in order to check the validity I seem to need. 

I'm so thankful that God brought these idea to mind today because it made a huge impact on my interactions and attitude. 

In the past, I have to shamefully admit that prayer wasn't my favorite thing to do, largely because of monkey mind.  I always had trouble in staying focused on prayer instead of thinking about all sorts of unrelated, unimportant stuff. 

Now, prayer is one of the highlights of my day.  I can't wait to get to my chair in the morning, do devotions, and spend time talking with God.  I'm not saying that I've crossed some magical border and become some sort of enlightened spiritual superior.  I'm just saying that daily prayer time has had a significant impact on my life and relationship with God, the Father. 

I have no doubt that for as long as I choose to continue with this challenge, I will continue to be frustrated and struggle with purpose.  However, I believe that God opened the doors and brought me to this place for such a time as this.  Rather than waste all my energy and time in whining and trying to control all the variables, I recognize the fact that I need to keep my ears and eyes training on Him for the next move. 

Of the many lessons that I have learned the hard way this year, one is that for I am not in control.  I have spent the majority of my life in trying to control all the variables and be the boss over my destiny (to the point of choosing to be my own God rather than follow God).  God has humbled me and taught me that if I truly am a Christ-follower, there can only be one God in my life. 

I have been schooled to that effect in my personal life; now, it seems as though God is schooling me in my professional life as well.  Why does it seem that I have to learn everything so slowly and via the hard way? My Father who art in heaven, have your way.  Your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. Amen.

For Such A Time As This

I bought some prayer beads in March of last year, and I usually give them a workout each morning during my prayer time.  A while back, I started making a prayer list - writing down names to remind myself of people whom God has placed on my mind and heart. 

As I was looking over the list recently, I was struck by the fact that the bulk of the list is young people, largely Millennials in their late teens and early 20s.  Another interesting observation is that the majority of those young people is guys. 

There are the names of sons of some friends my age.  Over dinner one night, the moms opened their broken hearts and spoke of their heartbreak and fear concerning their unsaved sons.  One mom, who has battled anxiety for most of her life, shed some tears as she expressed her fear that if something happened to her son, she isn't so sure she would see him in heaven someday.  That very night, I started praying for their boys.

One young man on my prayer list is the same age as my son.  About five years ago, while under the influence of drugs, he committed a terrible crime and will spend his life in prison - no chance of parole.  It would be easy to conclude that his life is over and that the duration of his life will be a purposeless and hopeless one.  I don't believe that to be true, though.  I believe that God has a plan for him, and so, I pray over him every morning.

The rest of the boys on the list are just that, boys.  They are teenagers with a list of baggage that is seemingly endless.  All three have been in trouble with the law. They struggle with anger, anxiety and depression, criminal tendencies, irresponsible sexuality, and a penchant for poor choices.  Their faces and circumstances come to mind when I spent time in prayer.

In addition to praying for them individually, I also pray that God will send strong Christian male mentors into their lives.  These boys all need men to show them how to be men.  With the exception of two, all the guys on the list come from single-parent families, where Mom is the primary caretaker. 

Further complicating the issue is the fact that we have emasculated males and maleness in pop culture.  If you watch any contemporary movie or sitcom in modern society, there is one common theme, and that is the stupidification of males.  Men are the butts of all the jokes.  Men are bossed around by the women.  Men are made to look like helpless dummies in comparison to the seemingly far-superior female counterparts.  The gender pendulum has definitely swung all the way in the opposite direction. 

Some might argue that this is a good thing - a positive move forward for society, or in the very least, women.  I would say that is a classic example of faulty comparison.  Neither extreme is healthy or beneficial. 

With regard to the latter, the result has been a whole generation of males who have no idea how to be a male.  The lack of a strong, consistent, Godly male in the home and in the media means there have been no role models to teach these guys how to be men. 

And so I pray for strong Christian men to have courage, to stay in close communion with God, and step up and stand in the gap for all the floundering young men in the world today. 

Conversely, I also pray that even in the busyness of my day, I will hear God's voice when He needs me to stand in the gap for the young women He places in my path.  Girls so desperately want to be loved - to be cherished.  The girls on my prayer list have eating disorders, substance abuse issues, and always, always heartbreaking relationship issues - the devastating realization that the promises made in the heat of the moment are born of lust and not love.

My heart breaks, and that's not just a cliche, for all the kids (and yes, they are kids to me) who are struggling. 

And yet, I know that God has a plan for each of them.  They are here for such a time and place as this. 

And so are we.  It is not for us to judge them, to shake our heads at them, to wave them away in disgust or frustration.  God has called us to such a time and place as well.  I pray that we may all keep our hearts soft and our eyes and ears open to listen more than speak, to show compassion and kindness, and to firmly and lovingly convey truth to all whom God places on our hearts and in our paths.

Forgive and forget - What is really required of Christians?

There are two people whom I don't like.  I have been hurt by both of them.  I was the recipient of their hurtful actions even though I did not do anything to incite the action.  I know that sounds like some sort of logical fallacy.  Why would someone else hurt you if they weren't provoked in some way?  

I can assure you that I am not deluded.  To the best of my knowledge, I did not do anything to provoke or inspire the malice toward me.  

I am generally a very warm, accepting person.  I work very hard to make people feel at ease and feel included, and I will work very hard to help others be successful. . . until they screw me over.  Then, it's game over.  She or he who was once a friend is now an enemy.  

While I would never deign to stoop to returning malice or revenge, I would be lying if I said that thoughts of either have never crossed my mind.  I think that's human nature and that I am not unique in that regard.  

The fallout, however, of betrayal is a freeze.  The walls come up all around me, and my icy gaze peers over the tops of the ramparts to regard the person who has betrayed me.  He or she, who was once invited into my castle, has now become banished from the kingdom.  

And so, right now, that's how it is with the two from whom the current hurt originated.  

The time for anger has long passed.  The walls protect me from further hurt.  Never again will either of them find the soft underbelly into which to stick their weapon.  Both have been pushed to a safe distance.  

It's safe to say that I struggle with the phrase, Forgive and Forget.  Many Christian friends have urged me to forgive since that is Biblical but have assured me that forgetting is not a necessary part of the bargain.  Experience is a critical bridge to gaining wisdom, and therefore, remembering is necessary to acquiring wisdom.

But I just don't know about that.  

A relationship with Christ is based on the Forgive and Forget principle.  We pray for forgiveness of our sins, and Christ says that "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12). And in Hebrews 8:12, it says, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." That's a pretty convincing argument for the idea of forgiving and forgetting.  I am very thankful that I have the opportunity to a) talk to my heavenly Father at any given time, and b) ask and receive forgiveness for my sins.  Doesn't it follow that I am expected to do the same?

Even so, it is troubling that when Christ returns, it says in 2 Corinthians 5:10, " For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."  While forgiveness has been assured, the forgetting part seems to not hold true.  So which is it?

When I think about the character of Christ during his 33 years on Earth, I know which one seems to be the more likely truth.  God is love, and Christ was love in human form.  There were many people, including those in His own family, who were unkind and cruel, even though He, too, had done nothing to instigate their wrath.  When I think of His kindness to  the woman at the well,  Matthew/Zaccheus the tax collector, and of course, EVERYONE at His crucifixion, His forgiveness is not conditional.  Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

The situation always seems to change when one puts the shoe on the other foot.  To explain, if the situation were reversed, it would be pretty dang terrible if the person whom I hurt never let it go.  Actually, I have done that to someone, and even after asking forgiveness, the person has never let it go.  It sucks.  I don't want to be that person.  And yet I have been. 

The problem is that neither of them are sorry for their actions.  Like at all.  They both feel justified and comfortable with their actions, and that bothers the absolute snot out of me.  In my mind, I am supposedly "punishing" them for what they did to me when the reality is that the only person who is being punished is me.  

And so, it seems to me that forgiveness is truly not forgiveness unless the hurt is released.  In order for the hurt to be released, it has to go - like out of sight and out of mind. Otherwise, as far as I'm concerned, it's not really true forgiveness.

I like to justify and seemingly elevate myself to a higher moral standard than these two by "confessing" that I am praying for blessings for both of them.  While it's good to pray blessings over them, the fact is that the request is pretty hollow since I am still harboring resentment in my heart.  I am no better than a common Pharisee.  

And so, I know what I must do.  And I may need to do it repeatedly until I finally open my clenched fist, or rather my clenched heart, to release the hurt.  At that moment, true forgiveness will occur, and peace will finally be mine. 

The Power of Story

Every year for as long as I remember having made goals for myself, writing has always been in the top five with regard to goals for the year.  Obviously, I feel as though it's important -important enough to always keep pushing it to the top of my priority list.  But as the year goes on, it always finds itself dropping - kind of like a spelunker making his way down the face of a mountain, bouncing from rock face to rock face until there is a gentle settling in the sand at the base.  I am passionate about it, but not passionate enough to strain and stretch the necessary muscles to keep moving toward the top of the list.

The question is why is writing so important to me? 

When I was in high school, I was basically the yearbook staff.  As both a junior and senior, I was the editor, but I was also the writer, copy editor, photographer, and graphic design person, and I loved every second of it.  I would stay after school for endless hours in the upstairs offices reserved for the yearbook and dark room.  Poor Mrs. Beekman, the faculty advisor, would be stuck at school until I was ready to call it a day, but never once do I remember her complaining. She would always hang out in her room, correcting or preparing, and always ready to drop what she was doing to converse with me.  

Anyway, that's where the flames of my passion were fanned - in those upstairs rooms.  Ever since then, I have been fanning and fanning and fanning those flamed. After all these years, I'm still waiting for the fire to take off.  But why?

Well, I love words.  I love the way they tumble together and roll around in a sentence or on a page, creating a visual landscape into which a reader is lured.  I love the way words that mean the same thing can be so different, individualistic, and distinct in eliciting a response or picture.  More than anything, I love the way words grab onto one another, linking hands, to form a bridge between expression and thought.  When a reader says, "YES!  That's exactly what it's like" to something I've written, I feel a sense of accomplishment unlike anything else.

That leads to another reason why I am so passionate about writing.  Writing is a way in which I can give voice to ideas that people have locked inside them.  I wish I had a buck for every time I have heard someone comment about the fact that they just can't find the words to say, so they are thankful for what I've written because it reflects their own experience.  They just didn't know how to say it. 

Tim O'Brien addresses this idea in his book, Things They Carry. The very last line of the novel says, "I'm skimming across the surface of my own history, moving fast, riding the melt beneath the blades, doing loops and spins, and when I take a high leap into the dark and come down thirty years later, I realize it is as Tim trying to save Timmy's life with a story."  

Words are powerful.  The more we use them to tell our stories, particularly the terrible stories, the less they have power over us.  Words can be destructive, but they can also be life-giving, and I try to concentrate on the latter and avoid the former.  

Writing also helps me to untangle that which is on my mind.  I keep a handwritten journal - and have for at least twenty years.  I also keep an online journal for work.  In each and every instance, the journals are the best problem-solving methods I have ever used.  In every situation, writing has helped me to organize, evaluate, and determine a course of action.  It is an invaluable part of my existence.  Writing is one of three ways in which I have been able to gain wisdom throughout the years (reading the Bible/prayer and finding/learning from wise people are the other two).  

But let's be real.  As humans, we are all narcissistic.  I write for selfish reasons as well.  I write for permanence.  I want to use my skills to leave a positive, useful, purposeful mark in history - most specifically, an ear-mark of faith.  

As usual, writing is in the top five of my lengthy list of goals for this year.  Whenever I write for this blog, I feel as though I need to have something pragmatic to post - something that the reader can take away for the day and mull over for growth and consideration.  

Well, I trust the process.  I trust that God will provide the words and direction when I sit and write.  If If I am diligent to put Him first in prayer and study His word, I know that He will meet me at the keyboard as well.  

This will be the year in which I untangle the events of the last five years, and most specifically, the last year, which has been equal parts the most personally painful and most personally beneficial with regard to spiritual growth.  God never wastes a hurt, and our most powerful evangelistic tool is our testimony. My story is His story, and if there is one thing I know to be true, a story is meant to be told.  

As painful as it has been, I know that there is someone out there who will say, "YES! That's exactly what it's like."  If my story can not only help Melissa save Missy's life with a story, I know it has the power to save someone else's life as well.   

I Need You to be Present

I tend to be a whiner these days.

The world disappoints me.

A lot.

More specifically, people in the world disappoint me.  The way they treat each other, the things they say to each other, the selfish choices they make leave me feeling disheartened and quite frankly, pessimistic about the future. 

Thus, it's become a common theme in my prayer life for me to ask, no, beg, for Christ to return, pull the plug on the Earth episode, and bring us all home.

This morning, as I was washing my hands at the kitchen sink, preparing to gather up my gear and head out the door for work, I heard God say, "Come spend some time with me." 

When it comes to obedience in the spiritual realm, I will admit that I have often been a slow learner, choosing to go my own way rather than "hopping to" at God's request.  Insisting on my own way has almost always resulted in a less-than-desirable end.

So, I grabbed a dish towel, wiped my hands, and headed for the chair. 

After grabbing my prayer beads and inviting God to join me, I conferred with God, concerning the various people and issues on my mind. 

Heart broken by the brokenness of the people I had prayed for, I once again pleaded with God to return.

And then I stopped.

And waited.

A voice, clear and matter-of-factly, said,

I need you to be present. 

Those six simple words felt like a warm rain on a hot, summer day.

I have allowed myself to get sucked into the mire.  I have been focusing on all that I perceive to be wrong, depressing, and hopeless in the world - not worrying about, but resigning myself to the inevitable depravity preceding Christ's return.

This morning, God pushed the reset button and reminded me that the sights need readjustment because I'm missing His intended target.

To explain, I am on this earth, right now, to bring glory to God.  My only job is to stay attuned to His still, small voice and move when He says, "Go."

I need you to be present.

These days, people, including me, do not need to be reminded about or fixate upon all that is wrong in this life.  Pain, heartache, disappointment, discord, selfishness, and evil are everywhere; they are inescapable. 

What they do need is kindness, patience, a gentle glance, encouragement, hope, and the most precious commodity of all, time. 

I need to be present in order to give people what they need.

"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see."