While I still get to work with students, I largely work with adults, coming alongside them to help them with goals. Working with adults is a whole different ball game. Therefore, I think what I miss most of all is the feeling of security and familiarity that I had with my old position.
As a teacher, I knew who I was. I had a clear identity and a clearly-defined purpose. I feel as though I definitely knew (know) how to teach and interact with kids. Likewise, I was largely autonomous. When the door closed to my classroom, the students and I functioned in a learning environment that worked well for both of us.
The new endeavor is relatively new, and a colleague and I are figuring this all out by feeling around in the dark. My identity is being redefined, and often, I struggle with putting my finger on purpose. That's one of the worst parts. I am one who needs to believe that what I do matters and is having lasting impact. There are many days I go home, wondering if I actually accomplished anything of significance and meaning.
Another really difficult part is working with adults. I have always been far more comfortable around teenagers. Whether family, church, or social events, I have always gravitated toward the kids in the room versus the adults. Therefore, this new work challenge is a stretch for me. I have found that kids are far more acquiescent and optimistic. In comparison to adults, students are more open to novelty and change, are more willing to trust and try, and generally respond to kindness and relationship without suspicion.
No matter how much reassurance, kindness or encouragement that I have tried to extend, I have felt as though my efforts have been largely rebuffed or dismissed, which hurts and sucks in equal measure.
In an effort to try to pull myself out of this funk, I started listening to Larry Osborne's video series, Lead. The series is meant for spiritual leaders, but the shepherding he is talking about applies to my situation as well.
Some takeaways thus far have been that it's not about me; it's about the sheep. If I want them to follow me, I have to put aside my agenda and focus on them. I'm going to give myself a C in that regard thus far. In coaching, I have tried to put others' needs first because that's how it works. But there are certain agenda items that we need to accomplish that have been met with resistance thus far.
Another takeaway is that I have to be fully prepared to be misunderstood. There are times when I need to make decisions, which cannot be explained due to confidentiality. Sometimes leadership means that people will be mad at you.
Also, I have to remember to meet people where they are - which is sometimes in a place of fear and weakness. I have to always be positive. Larry insists that leaders should self-impose a No Complaining rule. If I leader is negative, that attitude is contagious and will spoil the environment. I agree. Sometimes this is tough because just like every other human on the planet, I get frustrated at work. However, it seems imperative that I find a way to release that frustration without using my mouth. Authentic relationship is important, but a relationship based on negativity is not going to result in growth.
Larry also talked about the importance of actions over words. More is caught than taught. The action is the halls is more powerful than the values on the walls. Yeah, he speaks in bumper speaker, but his bumper stickers make sense.
During my prayer time this morning, I brought this all before God, and He told me a few important things. First, he reminded me that, in his opinion, I have the skill set for this position. I have what I would consider some pretty good human relations skills. I have experience and knowledge. Basically, He was telling me that I have the tools I need to do this.
It's a matter of 'tude: Gladitude or saditude.
Next, He brought to mind the fact that I need to keep a flexible schedule. I am a very organized, scheduled person, but "peopling" is not so linear. As has been the case with kids over the years, they generally want to open up or talk at the most inopportune moments. At least, I think it's inopportune because there was something else I wanted to get done. Those are perfectly-timed God-appointments, which I shamefully admit, I have missed due to the fact that I thought my schedule was more important. I need to keep my eyes and ears open and be available/amenable to the people whom I serve.
Interestingly enough, when I got to work this morning, there were a series of God-appointments that popped up, one immediately when I arrived at work. I got there early, and a student was randomly passing by my room. He and I had interacted a few times last year, but he proceeded to chat for about a half hour (at 7:00 am?!) about his family, job, etc. It seems God was checking to see if I had been paying attention.
Lastly, God talked to me about my desire for purpose. He told me to pay attention to the various tasks that I complete in a day - to focus on at least one positive, impactful aspect of that task in order to check the validity I seem to need.
I'm so thankful that God brought these idea to mind today because it made a huge impact on my interactions and attitude.
In the past, I have to shamefully admit that prayer wasn't my favorite thing to do, largely because of monkey mind. I always had trouble in staying focused on prayer instead of thinking about all sorts of unrelated, unimportant stuff.
Now, prayer is one of the highlights of my day. I can't wait to get to my chair in the morning, do devotions, and spend time talking with God. I'm not saying that I've crossed some magical border and become some sort of enlightened spiritual superior. I'm just saying that daily prayer time has had a significant impact on my life and relationship with God, the Father.
I have no doubt that for as long as I choose to continue with this challenge, I will continue to be frustrated and struggle with purpose. However, I believe that God opened the doors and brought me to this place for such a time as this. Rather than waste all my energy and time in whining and trying to control all the variables, I recognize the fact that I need to keep my ears and eyes training on Him for the next move.
Of the many lessons that I have learned the hard way this year, one is that for I am not in control. I have spent the majority of my life in trying to control all the variables and be the boss over my destiny (to the point of choosing to be my own God rather than follow God). God has humbled me and taught me that if I truly am a Christ-follower, there can only be one God in my life.
I have been schooled to that effect in my personal life; now, it seems as though God is schooling me in my professional life as well. Why does it seem that I have to learn everything so slowly and via the hard way? My Father who art in heaven, have your way. Your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
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