"Good Things Happen to Good Kids"

Mild insomnia has become an increasingly frequent by-product of being middle aged. Typically 3 a.m. is the “witching hour” for me. For whatever reason, my mind kicks into overdrive at that moment, and when my thoughts cause the tossing and turning to become annoying, I get up and wander around a bit.

These nocturnal, or perhaps diurnal, thoughts vacillate between the extremes of brilliant and ridiculous. For example, some of my best lesson plans and class activities have been formulated during a 3 a.m. “think session.” On the flip side, some of the irrational, paranoid conclusions have resulted from these “toss-and-turn” moments as well. For example, I have been known to fret over deadlines and single phrases that people have said to me or about me. What am I going to do about it at 3 a.m.?

Last night, I awoke with a single thought in my head: “You have not because you ask not.”

It’s a portion of the James 4:1-3 verses: “You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t even ask God for it.” I will confess that I had to look up the origin on the phrase. Here is the weird deal. I have no idea why that phrase was in my head. I did not read James yesterday, so I guess I had a holy appointment at 3 a.m.

As I sat and chewed on that phrase, I heard a voice inside my head say, “What do you want?” What DO I want? I asked myself. As my mind started to formulate a wish list, I heard the voice say, “If you had to pick one thing, what would you ask for?”

I don’t know how much profundity is happening at 3 a.m., but after considering the question for a bit, there was one word on my tongue, “fulfillment.”

Just for fun, this morning I looked up the definition of the word, “fulfillment,” and this is what I read: “1) satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully development one’s abilities or character, and 2) the achievement of something desired, promised, or predicted.” Even now, I get shivers as I write this because YES, that is exactly what I want. How could I be so articulate and clear at 3.a.m.?

Matthew 7:7-12 says: “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him? In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

Clearly, God waits for us. He wants to give us our heart’s desires. All we need to do is ask, seek, and knock. The ball is in our courts. When we move, He moves. It’s seems so simple, and it is. The only thing that ever stops us is the grown-up within.

Somewhere along the line, we lose our child-like curiosity, our child-like sense of wonder, and our child-like sense of adventure. As adults, logic, independence, and control take over as priorities in our lives and thoughts. While the world embraces and admires such qualities, in the spiritual realm, these qualities can quickly translate into sin as we rely more on ourselves than God. When it comes to decision-making, we prefer independence over dependence on Him. Yet God has made it crystal clear that he prefers and demands a different way of thinking in order for us to truly be children of God. “And He said, Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 8:13

While He invites us to ask, seek, and knock, it seems pretty clear that God not only wants, but requires, us to appeal to Him with the heart and attitude of a child. That also means toeing the line as a child must do when s/he is being trained.

As any parent can attest, training a child is hard work. One has to suffer through tantrums and even make personal sacrifices in order to achieve success in child-rearing. Ultimately, a parent wants compliance (which can be one of the stormiest and most miserable aspects of parenting) in order to be able to 1) show the child how to develop into the kind of adult s/he was meant to be, and 2) impress upon the child the importance of empathy, compassion, and consideration of others.

The above description could easily describe the bumpy path for anyone, especially an adult, who is submitting to God in order to really be a child of God.

My husband’s two favorite phrases, which he used frequently with our kids throughout their formative years, are “’’Sorry’ is just a word” and “Good things happen to good kids.”

These same phrases seem to equate well for those of us who are earnestly seeking child-like submission to our Heavenly Father. First, as we prepare to ask, seek, and knock, we need to fully understand that “’Sorry’ is just a word.” The word, “sorry,” requires action and restitution in order for things to be made right again. Likewise, we need to carefully examine our own lives. Have we made amends with our Heavenly Father and those around us?

Oswald Chambers states it this way in My Utmost for His Highest”: We mistake defiance for devotion; arguing with God for abandonment. We will not look at the index. Have I been asking God to give me money for something I want when there is something I have not paid for? Have I been asking God for liberty while I am withholding it from someone who belongs to me? I have not forgiven someone his trespasses; I have not been kind to him; I have not been living as God’s child among my relatives and friends. I am a child of God only by regeneration, and as a child of God, I am good only as I walk in the light.”

When we humble ourselves, clean up our messes to the degree that we can, and approach our Heavenly Father with child-like curiosity, wonder, adventure, and unshakable faith, then we ask, seek, and knock with abandon and without fear. Then, we can be assured that “Good things happen to good kids.”

My husband and our kids circa 2008

The Popcorn Pastor's No-Plan Plan

Yesterday was my 44^th birthday. Since Qdoba had sent me a buy one, get one email coupon, my husband and I decided to go there for dinner with another couple.

When we arrived and as we were standing in line, Pastor Paul walked in. Pastor Paul is some sort of associate pastor for the local Assembly of God church in town; he is also the chaplain for the local jail. While AG does have a significant following in the town in which I live, it doesn’t seem to matter the denomination.

EVERYONE in town knows and loves Pastor Paul. And when he walked into Qdoba last night, the atmosphere visibly changed.

Since he knows my good friend rather well, he walked right up to her in the middle of Qdoba and gave her a big hug. Then, he saw another person whom he knew in front of us and hugged her. Even the staff at Qdoba is well-acquainted with Pastor Paul. I don’t know how much he actually eats there, but they all knew him and happily started joking with him.

It seems as though everyone has a Pastor Paul story to tell. He makes the rounds in town – eats popcorn and visits with the locals at Target, people-watches/visits at Walmart; he has an informal route and is happily interruptible. God is his top priority, and people – all people, not just members of his congregation- are a close second. Several of my friends have been blessed by his compassion and concern.

Likewise, based on what I have seen and heard his character and demeanor correlate. It may sound cheesy, but his life seems to be an empirical example of a walking sermon. I have never heard a bad word said about Pastor Paul, and as I was standing in line next to him, I heard him say to the Qdoba clerk, “Don’t forget to charge me extra because I had a little extra added to my meal.” People are always watching and listening, especially when you think they aren’t. All this was flowing through my mind as he worked the crowd at Qdoba.

Not for the first time in my life did I find myself thinking, “I want to be Pastor Paul.”

Let me tell you about the last couple of months in my life. I haven’t been writing for a while, and it’s largely because my life has been hi-jacked. . .well. . .by my life. Let’s see. . .my son has graduated from junior college, is in the midst of leaving our house to establish his own in another city so that he can finish his Bachelor’s degree, and has left for the summer to work at a Bible camp for the third year. My daughter has graduated high school, is in the process of getting registered for college, and has left for the summer to work at a different Bible camp – in a place three hours from home and where she knows absolutely no one. A week ago, I had LASIK eye surgery and have been recovering from that as well as tying up the loose ends of the school year. These are all good things, to be sure, but as most can attest, change is a force to be reckoned with at times.

The two bigger struggles within the last couple of months are these: 1) coming to grips with the fact that I am an empty nester, and 2) contemplating what I want to do with the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong; I am loving the down time, quiet in the house, reduced grocery bill, and general order of my house. But, at the risk of sounding like a whiner, my whole life has been centered around my family – their activities, schedules, well-being, etc. I realize that I am not losing my family; however, the dynamic is changing significantly. It’s not that they don’t need me; it’s that the word, “need,” is changing in definition.

Likewise (and I have written about this before), I don’t know what do to with my life. It sounds super-silly. I am a high school English teacher. Therefore, I could easily use this to define who I am and merrily ride this pony to retirement. However, I am terrified that is what will happen. I have always been of the mind-set that this teaching gig was temporary; visions of ultimately attending my own teacher retirement party make me queasy. It’s not that I hate teaching. It’s just that I get a niggling sense that teaching is one chapter in a life filled with multiple chapters. I think it's more the fear of doing one thing my whole life. There is such a smorgasbord of options; I don't want to miss out.

So what am I supposed to do? Now that I have the “freedom” to pursue whatever I want to do – no more band or choir concerts, no more sporting events, etc- what do I want to do? Naturally, I have started making lists: Go back to school? Doctorate? Seminary? Teacher exchange? Volunteer for hospice? Learn a new hobby? Foster parents? Rather than calm me, the lists stress me out even more.  I feel pressure to make the last half (presumably) of my life “count,” so whatever I choose better be good.

Then, last night, I got a much-needed reality check when I saw Pastor Paul. That guy is so successful, so well-liked, so at peace because he is just happy TO BE. He is doing exactly what all people of Christ are called to do, which is ABIDE. 

“Abide in me, and I will abide in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” (John 15:4).

At face value, Pastor Paul seems to live his life in tune with the Spirit. I don’t know the guy that well, but based on perception, it seems as though Pastor Paul walks into any room and situation with his “Spirit-antennae” up. He goes to wherever and to whomever the Spirit directs him, and because of it, Pastor Paul has an aura of palpable peace that naturally draws people to him.

Oswald Chambers write about the situation in this way in his book, My Utmost for His Highest. “Which are the people who have influenced us the most? Not the ones who thought they did, but those who had not the remotest notion that they were influencing us. In the Christian life the implicit is never conscious; if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus. We always know when Jesus is at work because He produces in the commonplace something that is inspiring.”

Yeah, I want to be Pastor Paul.

Actually, scratch that. I want to be the Missy that God wants me to be in and at the moment He wants me to be. I’d be lying if I said I would throw my lists out; however, it’s time to quit staring at the lists and pay attention to what’s going on around me. It’s time for my life verse to become my life’s pursuit:

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1: 9-11).

Muddy, Mundane, Maudlin, Maundy. . .What?

Even though it’s been a short week, it’s been a long week. Do you ever have weeks like those? With that in mind, it felt good this afternoon to drop into the recliner, throw the blanket over my legs, and soak up the peace and quiet. . .and then, my son walked into the room. “We’re going to church, right? It starts at 6.”

“What?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.

“You told me to take off from work tonight so that we could go to church,” was his pointed reply.

“We have church tonight?” I asked.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Knock it off. You’re the one who told me we were going.” With that, he walked away and left me completely confused.

While I will admit that I “forget” things (translation: temporary amnesia), I am 100% certain that I never said any such thing to my son. First, I didn’t even know that there was a church service tonight, and secondly, I never tell him what to do anymore; he is 20 years old.

Even so, since it is Maundy Thursday, I conceded that there probably was a service, even if I wasn’t aware of that fact at the moment. And in considering the fact that Nick mentioned it and seemed pretty adamant about the whole thing, I also conceded that I was going to church at 6.

To be fair, Maundy Thursday, as well as the Thanksgiving Eve service, is among my favorites. Any service that is person, introspective, and reflective is significant to me, but to be honest, I am not even sure what Maundy means, so, of course,  I looked it up.

“The ceremony of washing the feet of the poor, especially commemorating Jesus’ washing of His disciples’ feet,” is the definition that the dictionary provided.

While washing feet isn’t even on the household to-do list anymore, it was a common practice in Jesus’s time. Back in the day (way back), there were no tar roads, and foot covering was fairly minimal – sandals or bare feet – so when a guest arrived, one of the first tasks to complete was washing their feet.  Obviously, cleanliness was a priority. The water washed away the road dirt. However, washing the feet was also a courtesy. The water and subsequent rubdown was soothing and refreshing for hot, tired, post-traveling feet. In addition, foot-washing was done by servants and slaves and was considered to be a “short-straw-draw.” In other words, it was a task that no one wanted to do; it was a task reserved for the servant of the lowest status.

During His last night on earth following the last meal with His disciples, Jesus decided to wash the disciples’ feet.  The account is described in John 13.

“It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love” (1).

The Passover Feast was a reminder of when the blood of the lamb was applied to the doorways so that the Angel of Death would pass over that house, thereby sparing the firstborn son. Jesus was the lamb of sacrifice for the worlds’ sins. His blood would soon be shed to spare eternal punishment for mankind. Likewise, he was the firstborn son; his life would not be spared. He would need to die so that mankind could live. All of these things had to have been weighing heavily on His mind, especially as He regarded those with whom He was sharing a meal.

They were His best friends on earth – his confidants, his helpers – but their behavior was discouraging. While they were enthusiastic and loyal, they didn’t quite seem to “get it.” He had tried to get His message across in the most simplistic terms possible – through stories/parables – but it was frustrating because they were somewhat thick-headed. Likewise, as of late, they had developed a new, frustrating habit; they were increasingly full of themselves. Even at the evening’s supper, they had been arguing about who should get to sit by Jesus. Plus, He was 100% cognizant of the fact that one of them, Judas, was going to “throw Him under the bus” later in the evening. I can see why Jesus might have been a little edgy. While He probably was comforted to spend His last evening with them, it would seem as though their behavior did little to assuage His apprehension.

“so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him” (4-5).

Why did He take off his outer clothing? The fact that he had opted to wash their feet illustrates the fact that he had willfully chosen to become like a servant/slave. By stripping off his outer clothing, He also stripped Himself of anything that defined Him or suggested His identity. Stripping Himself of those identifiers and labels meant that He had stripped Himself of His status; He was naked, exposed, plain, and ordinary.

In my opinion, the towel around his waist seems to be symbolic of the shroud linens he would be wrapped in after His death. These linens would contain the body that had been sacrificed to wash and wipe away the sins of mankind.

Simon Peter, who would later betray Christ, seemed particularly upset about what Jesus was doing.  “No, you shall never wash my feet” (8).

Jesus sets him straight by saying, “Unless I was you, you have no part with me”(8).

In an effort to “prove” his love and loyalty, Peter responds by saying, “Then, Lord, not just my feet but my hands and head as well!” (9).

Whether intentional or not, Peter’s response grates on my nerves. It’s as though he is trying to overzealously prove to both Christ and the rest of the disciples that he is the “better” disciple – more loyal, more pious, more of a servant than everybody else – but the exact opposite rings through his words. Peter’s response is a perfect juxtaposition to Christ’s foot-washing. They are exact opposites, and his response underscores why Christ wanted to teach this last lesson before heading out to the garden.

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them” (14-17).

The lesson of Maundy Thursday is humility. Since Christ was about to leave and return to His father, He needed the disciples to know that in order for them to continue where He left off, they needed to have the hearts of servants.

Pride is rooted in selfishness, and selfishness says, “me first.” Humility says, “you first.” God’s Voice, purposes, and Will cannot be advanced when a “me-first” mentality is calling the shots.

Even though foot-washing is a thing of the past, the attitude is not. My (our) challenge is to strip away the outer shell – the labels and identifiers- that I have allowed to insulate me and make me of this world.  Once they are gone, so are pride, distractions, and excuses. A servant’s heart of humility is the only choice because I am not my own; I am His.

Maundy Thursday is a reminder that we still need, have always needed, and will always need the hearts of servants.

"Oh, the Thinks You Can Think Up, If You Only Try!"

Last night, as I was proofreading Erika’s research paper, I learned that Dr. Seuss was rejected 27 times. On his way home one night, he literally ran into an old college pal, who worked for a publishing company. The guy took Seuss’s book, showed it to the people at Vanguard Press. They loved it and published it, and the rest is history.

There is a lesson here. First, it shows you just how meaningless someone else’s opinion is. If Seuss would have allowed the judgment and criticism of those 27 editors to keep him from following his passion, The Cat in the Hat and Horton Hears A Who would not be in our vernacular. The point is to be persistent when you know in your heart of hearts that what you are doing is right. In the end, there is only One whose opinion matters.

Secondly, it’s all about who you know. A passion is in your heart for a reason, but dreams don’t just come true. You have to invest the time in both prayer and work to make that dream a reality. If you network with the right Person, that’s when dreams come true. And the way in which He makes it happens is far better than we could have ever imagined.  

When Friend-ship Looks More Like the Titanic

Friendship. . .relationship. . .companionship. . .courtship. . .Have you noticed the words we use to describe our interactions with others have a –ship on the end? Since I am a wordsmith by trade, I tend to ponder these seemingly inconsequential questions in life. Word etymologies, in particular, are of interest to me.

The word, ship, itself has French origins from the 1300s. It originated as the word, vessel, which originally meant “container.” It has morphed and changed over the years so that ship or vessel is now “a person regarded as an agent or vehicle for some purpose or quality.” Adding a –ship on the end of a word indicates the state, condition, or character of a person or item.

In other words, the –ships you have in your life are an indication of the kind of person you are. Who you hang around with broadcasts what your most basic character and values are, what’s important to you, and how you would like to be regarded by the world.

Of course, you are probably not thinking about all this when you are in the midst of developing and maintaining a ­–ship. As I talked about last time, our priorities as humans are usually in trying to categorize ourselves - to figure out where we belong.

I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately, especially since the last couple of weeks have been trying. The frustrating realization that I have come to is that in the most difficult and disappointing times in my life, I have felt abandoned by those whom I called friends.

There seems to be an unspoken rule among the people in this category that light and frivolous topics are fine, but messy, time-consuming, and potentially-controversial topics are out.

This has always been very frustrating for me, but lately, I have decided that I have been thinking about the situation all wrong.

Have you ever noticed that when things go wrong in our worlds, God always presses us to action, and not anyone else? For example in Matthew 6:14, it says, “For If you forgive others, your heavenly father will forgive you.” And “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift” Matthew 5:23-4.

I am guessing that there are a few reasons for this. First, the other person might not know anything is amiss, so we fester about something that someone else is oblivious to. Thus, the problem rests squarely with us, not the other person. God is calling us to right a wrong within ourselves just as much as a wrong with another person.  

Secondly, the fact that something is wrong, we notice it, and we fester or worry about it means there is sin involved. Whether it’s ours, someone else’s or a combination, it needs to be confessed and given to God, or we are at #1.

Third, the situation automatically presents a potential for growth. There is no trouble that enters our lives where God does not have a purpose for it.  We’d be smart to be thankful for trials because it is sharpening us to become the person he wants us to be.  We must confess and take responsibility for our own actions, not someone else’s. Difficult situations are pressing us to spiritual maturity. Instead of judgment, criticism, and bitterness, we concentrate more on the character of God.

With all that in mind, the advice and intervention of our friends could be a detrimental distraction and even an impediment in this process. The danger is in relying more on their opinions, acceptance, and counsel than that of our One True Friend. 

Thus, at the risk of sounding like a heretic, the best thing that can happen to us in moments of difficulty and stress is for our friends to abandon us or for God to strip us of those friendships. In those moments, we are forced to rely 100% on Him. His Counsel becomes, and is, all we ever need.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:6.  As He has promised, He is always there. He will never leave us. He always has time for us. No topics are off-limits with Him. Best of all, His advice is always spot-on.

This is good news on a day in a year when the –ships in life seem to be empty and lost at sea.  

Once and Done?

If you troll through the newsfeed on Facebook with any regularity, you often see various “quizzes” in which one can determine which Harry Potter character he is, what color she is, or what part of the world he should live in. Last night, for example, I saw a quiz on the Wizard of Oz, one of my all-time favorite movies (sorry, Mom, I know you hate it). After answering a few short questions, I discovered that my personality best correlates with Glenda, the Good Witch. Good to know.

Facebook isn’t the only place where such quizzes exist. Open any magazine, and you will find the same thing: Take this five minute quiz to determine if he’s the only for you, or Answer these nine questions to see if you need to get a new job.

We like categories. Most specifically, we like to see where we fit when it comes to categories. It’s just one more way in which we try to decipher our place in this world. Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species isn’t reserved only for the scientific realm; the classification system carries over to social science as well – where do we belong?

In our quest to find our niche, we often allow our classification to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Christians, too, can easily get sucked into this mentality.

A case in point would be spiritual gifts. “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working but the same God works all of them in men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good” (Romans 12:4-7). More than likely you are familiar with the rest of the passage; the spiritual gifts are specified and described.

Many Christians are intrigued to know their spiritual gifts, which is good – it’s a sign of spiritual maturity, a desire to take a relationship with Christ to the next level. Thus, there are whole curriculums, Sunday School classes, and seminars that have, and are, offered to help Christians discover their specific gifts.

What’s not good is the fact that most Christians consider this a once-and-done education.

To explain, once the training is complete and the Christian has diagnosed his/her spiritual gifts, s/he tends to “superglue” that badge to his/her chest as an immovable, permanent identification badge, allowing him/her the permission to take and leave various tasks for the kingdom. For example, if a person has determined that his/her spiritual gift is teaching, that means that s/he automatically give him or herself permission to say “no thank you” when it comes to serving in the nursery.  Or if a particular person has discovered that mercy is his/her spiritual gift, s/he is in no way obligated to paint the women’s bathroom at church.

There are several problems with this sort of mentality. First, when I read Romans 12 and other passages concerning spiritual gifts, I see nothing that suggests that the determination of spiritual gifts is a static activity – that it is something you discover once, and it never changes. Go ahead. Re-read the passage. Let me know if you see something that I missed.

If the truth be told, that sort of mentality is decidedly self-satisfying, not Spirit-led. To explain, to be in a dynamic relationship with Christ is to be in tune to His voice. “. . .but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” Romans 8:5.

Our job as Spirit-filled people is to listen closely to His voice and do what He asks us to do when He asks us to do it. Likewise, when He asks us to do something, you can be 100% sure that He will equip us with the exact spiritual gift that we need at the exact moment that we need it. Therefore, it would seem as though the concept of spiritual gifts is more fluid versus fixed. The gifts themselves are fixed, but the recipient doesn’t just get one gift for life. Period. To believe that idea is adverse to what the Bible teaches about a life in the Spirit.

Likewise, to pick and choose service opportunities according to the spiritual gifts categories into which we have lumped ourselves is decidedly self-driven. For example, I am going to decide whether or not to serve in the capacity versus listening to see whether or not the Spirit is calling me to serve in that capacity. What we say and do is to be for God and should be determined by God, not by our preferences or natural inclinations.

Discovering our spiritual gifts is a good quest. However, it should not be a one-time destiny, thereby becoming a self-imposed limitation of what God can do with our lives. Check out Romans 12 again. . .what if God’s plan for YOUR life ultimately includes EVERY ONE of those gifts?

The potential blessings – for us and others – are limitless, beyond human imagination.

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” John 15:4-5.

Letting It Go: Praying Away the Bitterness and Anger in a Mother's Heart

Lord, the last couple of days have been a challenge.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

It all started on Thursday. While Mike and I were picking up Nick’s desk at the thrift store, Erika got the call she had been waiting for. Christa called to tell her that XXXX XXXXX Bible Camp would not be hiring her this year. The reason she gave was that the ten days for the Alaska trip would be just too long for Erika to be gone from camp . . .which is a lie, Lord. As I found out later, Lord, everyone in this house knew it right away, but it took a couple of hours before anyone dared to mention it out loud. Right now, we are confused as to why Christa would lie like that. Three years ago, when Nick and Luke were working at camp for the first year, they both were gone for a week to CHIC, so her justification does not add up.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3: 5

She is the director of a Bible Camp, Lord. Why did she lie? I am struggling with the lack of integrity. I know that Satan likes to mess with people when they are down, Lord, but right now, the signs and details point to the fact that Erika didn’t get that job because someone or some people in leadership determined that Erika isn’t “Christian” enough. You and I both know, Lord, that her participation with youth group activities has decreased. She has reasons, but no one knows them, Lord, so people start making judgment calls about her spirituality. I know I am drawing conclusions, Lord, that I don’t know to be true, but since more than just I have had the same thought, it seems like a good possibility.

“For you bless the godly, Lord; you surround them with your shield of love.” Psalm 5:12

It brings back an old hurt for me, Lord. When I was Erika’s age, the same thing happened to me. I tried out for Carpenter’s Tools. I spent a lot of time in preparing my musical number for the audition. When I was interviewed, I poured my heart and soul out – telling the truth and my most personal thoughts regarding faith. When we got to the end of the interview, I was feeling so good – optimistic and hopeful. Then, I will never forget this, Lord, because it was a knife to my heart. Dave XXXX, the director, said, “I sense that you are struggling with your faith. It seems that you are not right for this group.” But I wasn’t struggling. I knew exactly what I believed. I was so confused by what he said, and as soon as I got clear of the building, I burst into tears – bawled all the way home. His comments cut me to the core. Even now, I remember the depth of the pain – shame, embarrassment – especially after my best friend made the group. Later, in bitterness, I watched as several Carpenter’s Tools members participated in the group – praising Jesus and making a show of their faith – but their lifestyle choices weren’t matching up to what was coming out of their mouths. A couple were sneaking around, drinking, another confided to me that she thought she was pregnant and would I go with her to have a pregnancy test, and yet another did get pregnant and had a baby out of wedlock. And yet, I was the one struggling with my faith? That was such a bitter pill to swallow.

“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15

And so, I was so disappointed when this happened to Erika. I was hoping she could avoid the same pain and situation. Like mother, like daughter.

“The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.” Nahum 1:7

Even though I had been preparing my head for a rejection from Camp, I didn’t expect the sucker punch the way it landed, Lord. I don’t know why I am taking it so personally, Lord. That’s why I had to go to bed on Thursday night. I didn’t want Erika to see me crying because that would just make her feel worse.

“For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” Lamentations 3:31-33

I just thought that this was the ticket, Lord. All of the dots seemed to line up. She has been taking an interest in her faith again. That’s huge after what happened at small group – first, Rocky and then Becca chewed her and Cass out and told them not to come back.  That made me mad too – to have to threaten her to go to youth group, then following Nick’s advice and just backing off. When she finally took the initiative to ask to order a devotion book and then apply at Camp, my heart took wings. I thought that Camp would be a place for her to keep the crescendo with regard to her faith.

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness.” Zephaniah 3:17

Even as I was tossing and turning, praying with all my might on Thursday, Lord, I asked for you to say something, and you said, “I have something better in mind for her.” I am counting on it, Lord.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine” Isaiah 55:8

And then, Lord, Friday morning, Erika came upstairs and said, “I don’t know why I feel good this morning, Mom, but I do.” Thanks for that, Lord. I know you heard my prayers, and I am pretty sure that Amy was praying for her too.

“For where two or three have gathered in my name; I am there in their midst.” Matthew 18:20

That’s when she told me she was probably going to go to the local community college in our town next year. She admitted that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with regard to a future career, and it was too expensive for her to go to XXX, her first choice school. It sounded as though she made herself feel better by saying, “Plus, it’s getting to be too late to apply for housing anyway.” You know how she had her heart set on living in a suite. It’s so sad, Lord.  But, the next thing she said was, “So now, what color do I get to paint the downstairs?” I am thankful, Lord, for the way she is able to shake things off and rebound so easily. She has always been like that. Either that, or she is really good at hiding her feelings. I know she does that too.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23

Even though she has to revise her dream, Lord, Cass gets to follow hers. Lord, her Guidance Counselor tweaked her grades so that she can now go to XXX University. She has failed classes, Lord, and gets bad grades, but she gets to go away to school. Her mom and dad will just write the check. And then, there’s Erika, who has worked her tail off to get good grades and has a 3.7 GPA, and she gets stuck living at home, going to community college because she can’t afford anything else. I am happy that things have worked out for Cass, but where is the justice in that for Erika, Lord?

“So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so that he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.” Isaiah 30:18

And then, Cass just walked in to XXXX, a local business, today, Lord, and she immediately was hired because her mom got her the job. She didn’t have to interview. She didn’t have to fill out any paperwork . . .while Erika has had to work at getting every job she has ever had. She just got crapped on by Camp after filling out a ginormous application and interviewing. Even today, Lord, she got chewed out AGAIN at work for inadvertent mistakes. She has admitted that she hates going to work because she is afraid of her managers. What the heck, Lord? What’s going on?

“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” Psalm 37:7

And yet, Lord, you know my nature. Right or wrong, I emailed a couple of other camps to see if there were any positions left. I heard back from two. XXXXXXXX XXXXX has their summer staff positions filled, so they are out. And then, there was an email back from Felicia at XXXXX XXXX. Two positions are open  - janitorial and waterfront. She apologized that there were no counselor positions. I emailed back that Erika would prefer a support staff position anyway. If hope is a thing with feathers, then I felt a light brush across my cheek as it soared in the air. Through a whirlwind process, Erika got excited about the possibility and has applied. Now, we play the waiting game again.

“Wait for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

Lord, we aren’t Baptists. Is this where you want her? Erika won’t know anyone. She has never been there before. . .but then again, we aren’t Baptists, but both Baptists and Covenanters believe in the same God – that He is the only way to heaven, so who cares if it’s a different denomination? Erika won’t know anyone; it will be a chance for her to be Erika, not Nick’s little sister. She will be able to make new friends. She will be able to make memories that are all her own. Most of all, she will be able to continue to grow in her faith and help others to do so too. Who knows? – she may or may not work there this summer.  It’s all up to you, God. I know that you love Erika, and I know you hear my prayers. I know that you have a plan for her, and help me to be content and trust that plan whatever it may be. Thank you for your patience with me, and thank you for being infinitely smarter and wiser than I could ever possibly be. You know best, and my hope is in you. Amen.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:17.