Lord, the last couple of days have been a challenge.
“Come to me, all you
who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
It all started on Thursday. While Mike and I were picking up
Nick’s desk at the thrift store, Erika got the call she had been waiting for.
Christa called to tell her that XXXX XXXXX Bible Camp would not be hiring her
this year. The reason she gave was that the ten days for the Alaska trip would
be just too long for Erika to be gone from camp . . .which is a lie, Lord. As I
found out later, Lord, everyone in this house knew it right away, but it took a
couple of hours before anyone dared to mention it out loud. Right now, we are
confused as to why Christa would lie like that. Three years ago, when Nick and
Luke were working at camp for the first year, they both were gone for a week to
CHIC, so her justification does not add up.
“Trust in the Lord
with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3: 5
She is the director of a Bible Camp, Lord. Why did she lie?
I am struggling with the lack of integrity. I know that Satan likes to mess
with people when they are down, Lord, but right now, the signs and details
point to the fact that Erika didn’t get that job because someone or some people
in leadership determined that Erika isn’t “Christian” enough. You and I both
know, Lord, that her participation with youth group activities has decreased.
She has reasons, but no one knows them, Lord, so people start making judgment
calls about her spirituality. I know I am drawing conclusions, Lord, that I don’t
know to be true, but since more than just I have had the same thought, it seems
like a good possibility.
“For you bless the
godly, Lord; you surround them with your shield of love.” Psalm 5:12
It brings back an old hurt for me, Lord. When I was Erika’s
age, the same thing happened to me. I tried out for Carpenter’s Tools. I spent
a lot of time in preparing my musical number for the audition. When I was
interviewed, I poured my heart and soul out – telling the truth and my most
personal thoughts regarding faith. When we got to the end of the interview, I
was feeling so good – optimistic and hopeful. Then, I will never forget this,
Lord, because it was a knife to my heart. Dave XXXX, the director, said, “I
sense that you are struggling with your faith. It seems that you are not right
for this group.” But I wasn’t struggling. I knew exactly what I believed. I was
so confused by what he said, and as soon as I got clear of the building, I
burst into tears – bawled all the way home. His comments cut me to the core.
Even now, I remember the depth of the pain – shame, embarrassment – especially after
my best friend made the group. Later, in bitterness, I watched as several
Carpenter’s Tools members participated in the group – praising Jesus and making
a show of their faith – but their lifestyle choices weren’t matching up to what
was coming out of their mouths. A couple were sneaking around, drinking,
another confided to me that she thought she was pregnant and would I go with
her to have a pregnancy test, and yet another did get pregnant and had a baby
out of wedlock. And yet, I was the one struggling with my faith? That was such
a bitter pill to swallow.
“Look after each other so that none of you
fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of
bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15
And so, I was so disappointed when this happened to Erika. I
was hoping she could avoid the same pain and situation. Like mother, like
daughter.
“The Lord is
good, a strong
refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.” Nahum
1:7
Even though I had been preparing my head for a rejection
from Camp, I didn’t expect the sucker punch the way it landed, Lord. I don’t
know why I am taking it so personally, Lord. That’s why I had to go to bed on
Thursday night. I didn’t want Erika to see me crying because that would just
make her feel worse.
“For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though
he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For
he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” Lamentations 3:31-33
I just thought that this was the ticket, Lord. All of the
dots seemed to line up. She has been taking an interest in her faith again.
That’s huge after what happened at small group – first, Rocky and then Becca
chewed her and Cass out and told them not to come back. That made me mad too – to have to threaten her
to go to youth group, then following Nick’s advice and just backing off. When
she finally took the initiative to ask to order a devotion book and then apply
at Camp, my heart took wings. I thought that Camp would be a place for her to
keep the crescendo with regard to her faith.
“The Lord your God is
in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with
gladness.” Zephaniah 3:17
Even as I was tossing and turning, praying with all my might
on Thursday, Lord, I asked for you to say something, and you said, “I have
something better in mind for her.” I am counting on it, Lord.
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,"
says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine”
Isaiah 55:8
And then, Lord, Friday morning, Erika came upstairs and
said, “I don’t know why I feel good this morning, Mom, but I do.” Thanks for
that, Lord. I know you heard my prayers, and I am pretty sure that Amy was
praying for her too.
“For where two or
three have gathered in my name; I am there in their midst.” Matthew 18:20
That’s when she told me she was probably going to go to the local community college in our town next year. She admitted that she didn’t know what she wanted to do
with regard to a future career, and it was too expensive for her to go to XXX, her first choice school.
It sounded as though she made herself feel better by saying, “Plus, it’s
getting to be too late to apply for housing anyway.” You know how she had her
heart set on living in a suite. It’s so sad, Lord. But, the next thing she said was, “So now,
what color do I get to paint the downstairs?” I am thankful, Lord, for the way
she is able to shake things off and rebound so easily. She has always been like
that. Either that, or she is really good at hiding her feelings. I know she
does that too.
“Search me, O God, and
know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23
Even though she has to revise her dream, Lord, Cass gets to
follow hers. Lord, her Guidance Counselor tweaked her grades so that she can
now go to XXX University. She has failed classes, Lord, and gets bad grades, but she
gets to go away to school. Her mom and dad will just write the check. And then,
there’s Erika, who has worked her tail off to get good grades and has a 3.7
GPA, and she gets stuck living at home, going to community college because she
can’t afford anything else. I am happy that things have worked out for Cass,
but where is the justice in that for Erika, Lord?
“So the Lord must wait
for you to come to Him so that he can show you his love and compassion. For the
Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.” Isaiah 30:18
And then, Cass just walked in to XXXX, a local business, today, Lord, and she
immediately was hired because her mom got her the job. She didn’t have to
interview. She didn’t have to fill out any paperwork . . .while Erika has had
to work at getting every job she has ever had. She just got crapped on by Camp after filling out a ginormous application and interviewing. Even today, Lord,
she got chewed out AGAIN at work for inadvertent mistakes. She has admitted
that she hates going to work because she is afraid of her managers. What the
heck, Lord? What’s going on?
“Be still in the
presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” Psalm 37:7
And yet, Lord, you know my nature. Right or wrong, I emailed
a couple of other camps to see if there were any positions left. I heard back
from two. XXXXXXXX XXXXX has their summer staff positions filled, so they are
out. And then, there was an email back from Felicia at XXXXX XXXX. Two
positions are open - janitorial and
waterfront. She apologized that there were no counselor positions. I emailed
back that Erika would prefer a support staff position anyway. If hope is a
thing with feathers, then I felt a light brush across my cheek as it soared in
the air. Through a whirlwind process, Erika got excited about the possibility
and has applied. Now, we play the waiting game again.
“Wait for the Lord. Be
brave and courageous. Yes, wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14
Lord, we aren’t Baptists. Is this where you want her? Erika
won’t know anyone. She has never been there before. . .but then again, we aren’t
Baptists, but both Baptists and Covenanters believe in the same God – that He
is the only way to heaven, so who cares if it’s a different denomination? Erika
won’t know anyone; it will be a chance for her to be Erika, not Nick’s little
sister. She will be able to make new friends. She will be able to make memories
that are all her own. Most of all, she will be able to continue to grow in her
faith and help others to do so too. Who knows? – she may or may not work there
this summer. It’s all up to you, God. I
know that you love Erika, and I know you hear my prayers. I know that you have
a plan for her, and help me to be content and trust that plan whatever it may
be. Thank you for your patience with me, and thank you for being infinitely
smarter and wiser than I could ever possibly be. You know best, and my hope is
in you. Amen.
“For our present
troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory
that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:17.
No comments:
Post a Comment