What's in your. . .past?

My daughter has severe anxiety.  The diagnosis is hers. The word, severe, is mine.  Due to a compilation of life events, she is pretty fragile. I know that's almost cliche to say these days, but for her, it's true.  It doesn't take much for her to crumble - a cross look, a sharp word, the fear of the unknown. It's all enough to shut her down completely.  Such was the case when she went to the doctor yesterday.

As is par for the course, she ended up having to wait to see her doctor.  For most of us, we don't love the waiting part, but we are usually ok to sit with our own thoughts.  In today's busy world, we don't get much time to just sit and think.  

For my daughter, the wait time is lethal.  Her mind goes into overdrive, and she works herself into a complete tizzy.  I can't say for certain what is all passing through her mind, but I just know that she is a basket of nerves when she has to wait for anything.  

As a result, as soon as she got into the examination room and her doc asked, "How are you?"  She went into meltdown mode, sobbing and spilling.  Fortunately, she has a nice, patient doctor, who was soothing, caring, and consoling.  

I know all this because my daughter shared the minutiae of her appointment with me - ok, well, at least, the details that I was allowed to hear.  When she was finished relaying the details, I asked if she had shared a significant occurence from last year - it was a defining event, something that I would classify as a need-to-know for the doc.

"No," she responded.  "I think there are just certain things that people don't need to know about." 

I didn't give that comment much thought at the time, but now, I'm stewing on it.  

I think it's safe to say that we ALL have "certain things that people don't need to know about."  These are our hidden shames, our don't-speak-aloud moments, our dark blemishes that we work very hard to keep pressed down, covered, and buried.  To us, these are the unforgiveables - the choices, events, and actions that would result in a relationship breaking point.  Our fear is that when exposed, those around us who claim to love and support us, will stare open-mouthed and appalled, shake their heads, turn away, saying, "Nope, I just can't.  That's over the line." 

Of course, that's not true.  But the truth is that we can't forgive ourselves.  Somewhere along the line, we have violated our own definition of good and acceptable behavior as well as the standard we set for ourselves. As a result, we torture ourselves, in isolation - we keep it as a private, masochistic reminder of how unworthy we are. 

Although I knew this already, it's like I just realized that everyone walks around with these secrets.

Everyone.

There are no exceptions to this.  Every person I know, every person I meet, every person I see has a secret shame. We all suffer in silence, but 

It doesn't have to be that way. 

The fact that we are all fallible beings with hurts, guilt, and regrets should allow us to ease up on the meanness we feel toward ourselves, and it certainly should invalidate any meanness that people show each other.  

The people with the deepest hurt and shame are the meannest.  Their pain is so great, so heavy and overwhelming that they want others to hurt as well.  The load is too much to bear, so they spill the load and their out-of-control, caged-animal emotions on those around them.  

But why.  I mean, seriously, why? 

If we are all in the same boat, why don't we cling to each other instead of throw each other over the side? Why do we hide? Why do we throw a tarp over ourselves? 

Given what I have seen in my 50 years, I can't think of time when someone has walked away from another who has revealed a deep, shameful hurt.  In fact, I have seen quite the opposite - people rushing in to comfort, offer aid, and reaffirm.  

And yet, we still resist confessing the truth and persist in keeping our secrets. . .secret.  

Nothing will be solved in this post.  I can't change human nature.  The only person I can change and control is myself.  Thus, there are two takeaways for me today.  First, I have a different perspective of others.  Not huge or anything, but a perspective of understanding that we ALL carry something.  Thus, gentleness and kindness are better choices than criticism or negativity.  Second, I, too, have repressed secrets - things that I don't want anyone to know, but maybe it's time that I unearth them.  My story may inspire someone else to tell his or her story, and together, we begin the process of healing.  

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37: 4

 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

Somewhere along the line, I decided (or maybe it was decided for me) that I was going to focus on God's Promises.  I probably read something in my devotions that made me think of it.  Anyway, I came across a web-site that listed them, and this is one that caught my eye.

Recently, I started reading about the purpose of prayer in my "big book" of Oswald Chambers.  He talked about the purpose of prayer is to get to know God better.  

For most of my life, I have regarded prayer as almost a grocery list.  Yes, I have purposely started the prayer in showing gratitude to God and praising Him for who He is, but then, I would launch off into my laundry list of concerns - listing those on my heart as well as the reasons why they are concerning to me.  

After reading Chambers's comments, I started thinking about my prayers, and it dawned on me that I have spent the bulk of my prayer life in telling God what I wanted. In essence, I have been telling God what to do, trying to direct His action to where and what I thought needed to be done.  

God does not need my help or advice.  Not at all.  He already knows what everybody needs.  He already knows how the story ends.  He has already planned the perfect ending. What have I been thinking - trying to tell the God of the Universe how He should run His rodeo.  The presumption. What I have always regarded as piety and faith is nothing of the sort.  It's the exact opposite.  In my conversation, I have been sending Him the message that I know better than He how to take care of business. 

He has been most patient with me, enduring my adolescent prayer approach.  I imagine Him smiling indulgently at me, as one does with a three-year-old who is telling a story.  

Three year olds often drone on and on, adding far more details than are necessary. They often go off on tangents, even forgetting the original purpose and direction of the story.  The child is oblivious; s/he is caught in his/her own world.  Self-absorbed, the child lacks the wherewithal to pick up on the non-verbal cues from the listener.  Meanwhile, the listener starts amused, but grows increasing annoyed.  

I don't think God has been annoyed with me.  I think He is appreciative of the fact that I want to spend time with Him at all.  But I would imagine He is a little sad that I don't "get it."  I mean, come on.  I'm fifty.  I should have figured out by now what prayer is and what God wants it to be.  

Anyway, after thinking about it, I tried a new approach on Friday.  Rather than launch off into my please-God list, I just repeated "God is Sovereign" over and over and imagined all the different ways and places in which He is sovereign.  

I can't remember the last time I felt such peace.  Seriously.  I was in a place that I did not want to leave.  I was content. I felt safe.  When I finally roused myself so that I could go to work, I felt a bouyancy in going to work.  It's hard to explain. 

I think that is the message in the promise.  "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  

In the past, I have looked at the word, desires, as in my desires - that which I want, or my "list." But the true desire of my heart is a longing for Him.  It is a desire to be in relationship with Him. It is a desire to know and be known.  It is a desire to love and be loved.  It is a desire for safety, peace, and belonging.  It is when I quiet my mind and heart that I find Him.  

And that is what prayer is for.  

Reading His Word, spending time with Him in prayer, inviting His Holy Spirit, serving Him, moving when He prompts, loving the unlovable, seeking Him in nature. . .all of these are ways for us to grow in Him, to spend time to with Him, to abide in Him. 

These are all the ways in which we take delight in Him, and these are all the ways in which He gives us the desires of our hearts.

I try to keep. . .because

 Today's prompt is I try to keep. . .because. . .

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak.  I suppose that could be regarded in two different ways: The physical and the spiritual.  Let's talk about the latter first because it's easier.

I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this - an eternity with Christ - because otherwise, life seems pointless and bleak.  Let's face it; life on Earth is pretty sucky right now, and I'm not just talking about Covid.  The marginalized spirituality that I see and have to endure is often more than I can take.  I find myself asking, "Do you really believe that?" in my head quite often whenever someone surprises me with a clearly NON-Biblical belief or justification.  It's disappointing.  I suppose I sound super-judgy for saying that, but I truly wonder how many people are actually cracking open their Bibles and really reading them.  I'm not talking about a superficial pass over the words; I'm talking about an in-depth mediation over the meaning.  

It seems these days that people are quick to take the parts of the Bible they like and reject the rest.  I suppose that has been happening forever, but obviously, it's on my radar because I live in the here and now and have to deal with it. 

Likewise, I believe people have become confused.  They often intermingle tolerance and love as being one in the same.  Not so.  They believe that being tolerant is a form of love.  It's actually the opposite. Not hate, exactly, but if you allow someone to believe and act in a way that is contradictory to what you know is morally true (as in, it says it in the Bible - our only true, infallible resource when it comes to how to live), then you are actually being not only indifferent but harmful to their spiritual destiny.  It's not love.  That's for sure.  

I don't go looking for fights.  I try to let my life do the talking for me.  If I live with integrity - reflecting the values I believe - I am hoping that this is a message that resonates.  As I read, this seems to be what God wants from me.  As Oswald Chambers said this morning, God doesn't need to me to do things FOR Him; He needs me to do things WITH Him.  He has all the power and influence in the world.  He doesn't need me to mess up His plan with my well-intentioned but ill-stated words and actions. He just needs me to come alongside and act and speak as He requests.  

This is what give me hope. Life isn't as bleak when I know how the story ends.  

The phrase, I try to keep focused on what's beyond all this because otherwise it all seems pointless and bleak, also applies to my current employment situation.  

There does not seem to be any movement in another direction.  I've tried twice, but to no avail.  No response even.  Maybe no response is a response.  Maybe I'm suppose to stay put.  Right now, that feels bleak, mostly because I'm so unhappy.

As I know, happiness is built on physical conditions and circumstances.  I am allowing the physical to determine and manipulate my level of happiness.  Overall, what I need to do is really isolate those aspects of this job that are making me unhappy and address them specifically.  I have agency over some of it.  For example, I am super-pissy about working every night.  No one is making me work. I feel compelled to do the work, only because of an inner drive.  Quite honestly, I'm not even sure that the inner drive is even admirable.  It almost sounds a little like a pride issue to me.  So, yes, I think I am making myself unhappy, which is almost always the case for everyone.  And then, I end up thinking that I'm being disrespected because I'm unappreciated for going the extra mile when no one expects me to. It's really kind of stupid now that I think about it. 

Next, what I do is not bleak or pointless.  Not at all.  I serve an important purpose in kids' lives.  I am there.  I am present.  I notice them.  I nurture them.  I hold them accountable.  I challenge them.  In short, I parent them, and for some, they need it.  My intention is to help mentor and grow admirable adults of integrity (and that word has multiple meanings).  

Once again, I have been really short-sighted, playing the victim which is something I detest in others. I truly am the protagonist here.  If I don't like something in the story, I can just change it.  I am the author and the hero. I guess I need to be my own champion too because no one else is going to do it for me.  

I think I have it wrong.  I should not be focused on what's beyond; I should be focused on the right now.  Being fully present.  Looking too far ahead will make me miss the opportunities that God has put into my path for right now.  He wants me to come alongside His endeavors, not plan them for Him.  Being in the moment, and relishing it, is what happiness is.