First, whether a person wants to admit it or not, smartphones are a new form of addiction for some people. I think you know exactly what I am talking about. These are the people who either a) have to have the phone in their hands all the time in order to "function," or b) have to repeatedly and compulsively check their Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc, accounts to the point of ignoring and/or disrupting present company.
Secondly, smartphones have seriously screwed up communication skills and abilities. Yes, phones have allowed us to stay connected and involved in each other's lives at a lightning pace. This is both good and bad. However, phones have seriously diminished and distorted the way in which people communicate with each other, and in no realm has this become more evident than that of teenagers.
Of my two kids, my daughter is, by far, more attached to her phone. It is her social lifeline. Likewise, that dang phone has wasted more time and caused more angst than any other issue in not only her life, but as a consequence, ours as well. However, you might be surprised to know that the angst has not been caused by females in her life; it's the males.
Here's the bottom line. Dating has been placed on the extinction list, due in part to the succession and subsequent domination of the cell phone. The result is that no one dates; everyone just "hangs out." Typically, this happens in a mixed gender group. Thumbs way up to this arrangement at first. It's a good and safe way to get to know someone. However, the idea is that eventually, you pick one and spend time alone with him/her, so you can actually talk and get to know one another, which leads to another problem.
No one talks. Have you noticed that? Adults are the only ones who use the phone to actually call and have a vocalized conversation. Kids NEVER do that. In fact, I can try to call both of my kids, and neither will pick up. However, if I send either a text, I will get a response back right away. Does that sound familiar?
Then there is the problem with texts themselves. Due to the fact that they are written and not spoken, the non-verbals, which provide the bulk of the message, are also missing. The result is that layers and layers of important informational details are omitted, which causes angst in interpretation. "What does that actually mean?" "Is she mad or just being sarcastic?"
And then, there is the freedom and false bravado that apparently accompanies cell phone use. Erika has shown me various texts, tweets, and posts of friends, guys, and classmates that have (inwardly - always the poker face in reality) made my jaw drop. It seems as though many people apparently feel it is ok to say whatever one thinks without the responsibility to go with it. After all, they can't see the faces of those receiving the message, so that makes it ok.
Add all this cell phone drama to the larger social issue concerning the denigration of the nuclear family unit, and you can see why and how the concept of dating has virtually disappeared.
And here's the deal. Unlike the rotary phone and party lines, people, particularly, girls miss it. Even though they may not know the particulars of how it works anymore, they know they are missing out on something.
So what do you do?
Ladies, you need to sit back and think hard about who you are and what you want out of life. Then, when you start entertaining male attention, you can match him up to your standards. If he doesn't make the cut, don't waste your time on him. Lastly, develop YOUR standards about relationships, and stick to them. Here are my suggestions on the topic.
Decide what kind of girl you are. Here is the hard truth. Guys will take take what they can get. With that in mind, there are two categories of girls in the world: there are girls whom guys play with, and there are girls guys marry. Which one are you? The fact is that a guy is not interested in marrying a girl whom every other guy has kissed, pawed, etc. From the time she was little, I told Erika that her body is an amusement park for which only one man in the world has the entrance ticket. Know your worth, and stay firm. If the guys gets angry and leaves, thank your lucky stars. Crisis averted.
No guy wants to date a needy girl. Guys are, by design, competitive. They prefer to work for the prize. Needy girls are the girls who send ten texts and then get freaked out when he doesn't text back right away. These are the girls who drop everything and run as soon a guy texts. These are the girls who throw family and friends under the bus when a guy shows any interest. Guys like these girls because they are "easy." Yes, they can be sexually "easy," but they are easy to deal with because a guy deals with this type of girl on his terms. He holds all the power and knows it. Likewise, he gets what he wants when he wants it with no commitments.
If you have definite self-worth and standards and seem slightly aloof or "hard to get" (because you have definite self-worth and standards), it makes guys crazy. Guys are far more attracted to girls who are confident, know who they are, and know what they want. This leads to another good point.
If a guy texts after 10 p.m. and says he wants to see you right now, it's a booty call. He has an itch, and he wants you to scratch it. Here are the various scenarios: a) He has been hanging out with his guy friends or worse, with another girl, and he suddenly he thinks of you? That's offensive - a total red flag. Run. b) He just got off work. Big deal. If he really likes you, he will arrange a REAL date with you at another time. Quit justifying that text. Lay the smack down or delete his number.
That leads to another important point. Establish what your standards are with regard to a date. Dates are opportunities to get to know one another in the context of deciding the potentiality of a spouse. Therefore, date MEN, not boys.
For example, here is what I suggest. If HE wants to take you out on a date, a) he verbally ASKS you to go out on a date; he doesn't send a text (WUSS), b) he picks you up at your home; he does not "meet" you somewhere (WUSS), c) he comes to the door to get you; he does not wait in the car for you, d) he pays; he does not expect you to pay SINCE HE DID THE ASKING.
Even though this statement will be 50/50 with regard to acceptance, I would also go so far as to say that he WILL open doors for you. I know it may seem like a small thing, and the feminists of the world will be appalled, but here's the deal: a) a real man is a gentleman, and you only want to marry a gentleman. You know, the kind who opens doors, dresses and grooms appropriately, has table manners, etc, and (THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT), b) a real man will want to open a door for you. If he truly likes you (and if this is your potential husband), he will want to respect you, cherish you, and make you feel special.
If he treats you differently when he is around other people than you, give him the boot. Any guy who belittles a girl or says inappropriate or filthy things about her - either to her face or behind her back - is a jerk. Gone.
Texting is fine, but it should never replace conversation. If you text just fine back and forth, but when you are together, you can find nothing to talk about, there is a problem. The guys you date are test-drives as husbands. When you get married, you will spend the rest of your life with this person; he will be the person with whom you converse the most. If you have nothing to talk about, quit talking to him and find someone new to talk to.
I realize that not everyone will gladly accept or agree with what I have had to say. It's just that if I had to enter the dating fray today, these would be my standards. That said, I am ever-so-thankful I don't need them. I have been married for 24 years to a man who has always respected me in every way. Even after all this time, he still regards me as a prized jewel in his life and treats me as such. All I want is for every girl to have the same experience as I.
And she can. While it's true that cell phones have added a new complication to the dating realm,
it's also true that if it wasn't cell phones, it would be something else. The bottom line still is that both guys and girls have to know themselves well (what's important to them and what they want out of life), know their worth, and live their lives according to standards and values. While technology and terminology will continue to change and evolve, decency and respect are, and should remain, immutable.
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