The pastor at our church, Mr. Johnson, has started a “Hot Topics” sermon series in correlation with the new year. Last week, he talked about stifling complaining, and this week’s topic was about criticism. According to what he mentioned, the root of criticism is envy. Just as complaining is a reflection of the heart, criticism is a reflection of selfishness.
The envy argument only goes so far. Yes, envy is involved when we won’t allow ourselves to celebrate others’ successes. Envy is the culprit when we find ourselves throwing something negative out to counterbalance someone else’s celebration. But envy is not the culprit when I criticize my kids. I don’t want to be like them or have what they have; I am criticizing them because they are presumably falling short of a standard that I have set for them whether verbally or mentally. This is where good, old-fashioned selfishness is the culprit. So while envy can cover a multitude of sins, selfishness is the blanket that covers all. It’s not terribly surprising since 100% of sin is a focus on self vs. God.
To explain further, when I, or anyone else criticizes someone, I am making a judgment call. In fact, I am straight-up judging him/her according to my standards. Just because someone else does it differently, does it better, or does it worse means that s/he is not matching up to MY expectations. Ergo, selfishness once again leads the way. It doesn’t matter whether I’m right or wrong; the point is it’s all wrong because it’s different than what I think or believe.
So the question that comes to my mind Is why do I feel the need to be so self-involved, self-edifying, and self-promoting? Is it just plain narcissism, or is there more to it? In my mind, it’s a worthiness issue. For whatever reason, I feel powerless, worthless, or even invisible, which causes me to feel the need to cut someone else down via criticism. Apparently, in my backwards way of thinking, criticism not only allows me to feel a false sense of security; it also allows me to be heard, seen, or noticed when I evidently feel otherwise. Rather than find my worth and value in God, rather than be content in the situation he has placed me, rather than wait patiently on His plan for my life, I see only deficits – what I don’t have, what I am not, what I haven’t accomplished. As with all sin, I turn my eyes from God and focus inward on me.
Even though I’m not proud to say it, in listening to and pondering this sermon, my Grandma B came to mind. My grandma has apparently earned the notorious reputation of being critical. In growing up with her, I guess I didn’t see her commentary this way. I regarded what she said as little jewels of wisdom since they usually regarded appropriate conduct. Cheesy, I know, but I really looked up to my grandma. Certainly, she regarded her criticisms and judgment calls as an extension of her religious commitment and piety; in retrospect, there was certainly more going on below the surface. As I grew older, however, I began to hear comments, now and again, of tongue-lashings she’s given people along the way – mostly people in church. So I guess it’s true that she’s been somewhat critical of those around her, and it’s resulted in people keeping a wide berth from her because they’ve either had their feelings hurt, or they just don’t want to be around someone perceived as negative.
In visiting with Grandma within the last few years, she has made gruff comments about the fact that her old lady friends never stop by to see her. It hurts her feelings, but she’s too proud to just call them up and say, “Hey, do you want to stop over for a cup of coffee?” Well, I’m sure you see where this is going.
My mom has alluded as much – that Grandma’s behavior in the last five years attests to the fact that she has bitterness and anger within her that is just now starting to surface. She always was a bit critical, but in the last couple of years, she’s become cranky, delusional at times, and just downright mean, especially to my mom.
In pondering all this, my mind swims upstream to the root of Grandma’s problem. What caused her to be like this? As near as I can figure, it stems back to her own childhood. From what I’ve been told, she never really bonded with her mother. Grandma Caspers was extremely critical (I only knew her in her latter years, and she was very unpleasant to be around), and so, my grandma was closer to her father. Apparently, though, that closeness wasn’t enough; there was a barrier between the two, and that was my grandma’s sister, Martha. Of course, this is Grandma’s side of the story, but Martha was kind of the golden girl in the family. Both Grandpa and Grandma Caspers seemed to dote on her. . .which, in my guesstimation, is where Grandma B’s anger and bitterness began to grow due to the fact that she felt invisible. My grandma was an extremely hard worker, she was responsible, and she had goals. She wanted to go to college to be a lawyer. That all fell through when Grandpa Caspers gave her an ultimatum. She could go to college as long as she helped to put Martha through college as well. Since there was already a pre-established enmity between the two due to the parents’ favoritism with Martha, that was the last straw for grandma. She said no, which meant she said goodbye to her dreams of a law career as well. If I had to guess, I would say this was a defining moment for my grandma, and not in a good way.
I see her history, I see the ways in which Grandma B and I are alike, and I see that a life of bitterness and anger leads to nothing good in the end. Now, in the “golden” years of her life, Grandma spends them wallowing in loneliness. Her son and daughter can’t get along, her friends don’t visit her, and her grandson refuses to have anything to do with her. For a woman who was zealous about church, Bible study, religious involvement, and moral behavior, it’s yet another disappointment on her path of life. I don’t want to get roped into making a judgment call here either; then, I am just as guilty. However, it would seem as though she had deceived herself and everyone else into believing she had her heart in the right place. But, as the Bible says, you always reap what you sow. As Mr. Johnson says, criticism leads to a barren life. It looks as though Grandma is finding that out for herself these days, and that makes me so very, very sad. It also makes me sad because if I’m really honest with myself, I see that I am starting to follow the same path as Grandma. I know that I can be critical; I was also hurt and dismayed when a colleague of mine made a passing remark that I would prefer to stay “bitter and angry.” Ouch. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I wonder sometimes if it’s because I’m perceived as negative and critical. I realize that I have a tendency to over-analyze every situation and conversation in my life, but what if this perception is actually correct?
According to Mr. Johnson, the remedy for criticism is humility. That doesn’t mean that you become a door mat for others to stomp all over. It means you put others before yourself. It means allowing God to be God – to do exactly what He wants to do, when He wants to do it, and to whom He wants to do it to or through. It means rejoicing with someone in his/her successes – really celebrating the blessings of God in their lives. It’s not pouting or questioning God because you don’t have the same blessing or accusing Him of forgetting you. It’s allowing the Sovereign God to unfold His plan in His time. In short, it’s keeping the focus on God, not self, which is our true act of worship.
Every action, good and bad, is necessary in the development of spiritual character. Each person’s journey is different. God does not need my commentary on anyone’s situation. He has things firmly under control, and when I’m snipish or catty, all I’m doing is hampering the process – for Him and for me.
So, here’s my focus this year. I’m trying this out, and we’ll see how it goes. Whenever I feel like being critical, I’m first of all stopping to check my motives. What is the true source of the comment I wish to make. My goal is to be sincere and honest in owning the emotion and motivation. Secondly, whenever I feel “depressed” or want to throw myself a pity party, I will challenge myself to do something for someone else. You can’t have a pity party when you aren’t thinking about yourself. Like I said, I don’t know how this story will end. I just know that I don’t want to be sitting in a nursing home someday – bitter, angry, and alone.
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