The f word

No, it's not the "f" word you're usually thinking of.  The newest and most heinous "f" word is forgiveness.  To be fair, when utilized, this word engenders relationship-building, cooperation, and a forward motion.  However, it's getting to the point of being able to actually use the word that's the problem. 

I fully understand the purpose and benefit of the word.  I just don't like being bullied by the word.

To explain without too much extraneous detail, September 16, 2008, is a very significant day for me because I was hurt, actually, blindsided, by a group that I thought I could trust.  One person, in particular, in this group said some very hateful, hurtful, and for me, life-changing things.  What makes the situation even more complicated is the fact that this group was comprised of people from my church, and one of the members of the group was a pastor.  Because of what happened on that particular night, my viewpoint of church and church people has been significantly altered.

Worse, I was seemingly abandoned by most of those whom I called friends, or thought were my friends.  When I needed them and their assurance most, what I got was pure. lonely. silence. 

Add another layer of complication with the fact that several sermons over the last two years have dealt with forgiveness and the spiritual necessity of forgiving others. 

I get that.  Really, I do.  I am fully cognizant of all that forgiveness entails and requires.  Even though my head is totally in the game, my heart isn't there yet.

Every time I think I am at the precipice of forgiveness, I walk into the church, and my emotions completely ambush the forgiveness mission.  My head knows that this is something that has to be done, but my heart won't let it happen.  And now, the worst of all possible situations is happening.  Because forgiveness has been withheld, the iron-firm tentacles of bitterness are now creeping into the situation.  In short, it's a bad deal.

Even though I'm not 100% sure if this is the case, I think the problem is that if I actually forgiving, it feels as though I am saying, "It's ok. You're off the hook for what you did to me."  And I'm not ok with that.  What has been said and done, or more specifically, not done, has really affected my life in a negative way.  By offering forgiveness, I'm waving my hand, fairy-godmother-style, and sweeping it all away. 

And yet, hanging on to it is not improving the overall quality of my life either.  It is changing the landscape of who I am and who God intended me to be, and not in a good way.  Where would I, or anyone, be if God had copped the same sort of attitude with regard to forgiveness?

Even more, forgiveness is a non-negotiable. 

From what I heard today, it is an act of worship.

I think Christ was on to something with that whole 70 times 7 deal.  You keep extending forgiveness. . over and over again.  Perhaps, if you say it enough times, it becomes a reality.  The act of worship, the act of forgiveness is disciplining yourself to do it, especially when you don't want to, don't truly feel it, or can't.

See what I mean?  I am cognizant of the facets and inner-workings of forgiveness.  It's the heart of the matter that is slowing me down.  When animals are hurt, the instinct is to snap, attack, or nip in order to protect itself from getting injured even more.  Pain elicits a protective instinct.  My job for the coming year is to push through the pain. . .and practice the 70 times 7 principle, especially when I don't want to.