Self, Others, Stand Up

 Today was the 9th Grade Respect Retreat.  Last year was the first year that I have ever gone, and I have been teaching for 33 years, 24 of which have been in Willmar.  The only other retreats I ever attended were the Senior Retreats for both of my kids when they were seniors in high school.  The retreat for Erika's class was a stab in the heart that I DO NOT want to ever relive.  

So yes, I was apprehensive when I was asked to chaperone last year.  But it was great, and so, I went this year as well.  The kids were a little more naughty, but they are very immature.  

Anyway, the last activity is the candlelight sharing activity.  Prior to that moment, the kids are given cards and are asked to fill out a pledge on that card.  The theme is obviously respect, and there are three categories: self, others, and stand up. After making a pledge, kids can share, or not.  It's up to them.  

I decided to complete this activity myself.  

1. I will respect myself. . .

• by acknowledging that I am not a mistake.  In my lowest moments, I tell myself that I am one - that I wasn't supposed to be born. But the truth is that God ordained that I should be born, exactly as I am - size, coloring, temperament, flaws, and gifts.  God has allowed me to experience heartaches, failures, and pain because He has something better for me, wants more for me.  Those heartaches are allowed so that I can become the person He ordained for me to be. 

• by not hurting myself. My expectations for myself do not include margin for error.  They demand perfection - all or nothing.  My size and shortcomings - a temper, a raucous mouth, inconsistencies, moodiness, etc - do not define me.  When I fall short of my expectations, I need to give myself grace, just as God does, and begin again.  The fact that I recognize my shortcomings AND want to do better is positive. Good health is both mental and physical. One affects the other.

• by nurturing my creative side.  These are needs; they are compulsions that God equipped me with from birth.  God is a creative God, so He gets it and wants me to use it.  Work. . .others. . .they are all important, but not more important than being fed. I feel alive when I create. I feel alive when I let my mind wander, dream, problem-solve.  All of those are creative efforts, as necessary as oxygen.

• by resting. Reading a book is not a waste. Napping is not a waste. Lying on the dock and listening to the water is not a waste. Worrying is a waste.  Reliving failures is a waste. Fretting over things and people I cannot control is a waste. Sleep is health. Sleep is repair to the body and mind. Sleep is restorative. Rest is refilling a depleted tank.

2. I will respect others. . .

• by giving them the benefit of the doubt.  I will readily admit that my life circumstances and events have caused me to lose wholesale trust in almost everyone I know.  Now, my first impulse is to assume the worst.  But I would guess most people think as I do from the standpoint of wanting to be a better version of themselves. I will assume the best instead of the worst, and even when the worst is the truth, I will acknowledge that there is more than I know that is fueling their behavior.  They have their own pain, which is causing them to want to inflict pain on others.  Empathy, not judgment, is respect.

• with encouragement. It costs nothing to offer an encouraging word or glance, but it sends the message, "I see you."  Sometimes, that is all people want - an acknowledgement - not necessarily agreement or help.  It's important to remember that the words used to encourage someone aren't as important as the fact that we were on someone's mind and they stopped to let us know that.  As a words person, I get worked up about saying the right thing.  It's important, but not as important as noticing. 

• by being present - not looking at a watch, not wishing I was elsewhere, not hurrying to end the conversation.  I respect others with my eye contact and attention.  Rather than concentrate on the running list in my head, I will strive to really listen and record important details in my head. 

• by not interrupting them. Almost always, I do not intend to be rude.  My brain is just working so fast that it runs out of my mouth.  But the other person doesn't know that.  The only message coming through to them is that I think what I have to say is more important. When I want to interrupt, I will remember the talking piece in RJ.  When I don't have the talking piece, I wait for my turn.  The same is true in ordinary conversation. 

3. I will stand up. . .

• when I see willful attempts to cause others pain. Those who do that do not like themselves. This causes them to try to have power over another. Because they are in pain, because they feel small, they want someone else to feel pain and feel small as well.  I will intervene, as gently as I can, and not stay silent. 

• and speak. I often shrink myself or swallow my words to appease others and keep the peace.  For most of my life, I have avoided conflict, but I feel as though I have the wisdom to discern when to keep quiet and when to speak.  My voice is as necessary and important as someone else's.

• for my faith.  Much of what I just said applies here as well.  To avoid conflict, I have allowed insults, misinformation, and bullying to pass. I need to remember that I was born for God's glory.  My purpose is do His Will, whatever that is at any given moment. To shrink away, to stay silent is the ultimate letdown to my Creator and Savior. God has promised that if I move in faith, He will provide the words. 

• and remove myself from conversations and situations that aren't Godly, kind, or productive.  Within a few words, the direction, vibe, and focus of a conversation is usually evident. It is at that point that I need to make a choice. If I stay, the "ick" will sink into my skin, attitude, mouth, and heart.  Who I am is a product of the company I keep and the stimuli I allow in my eyes, mind and heart. 

"Hey, I Know a Guy"

Every morning, I read/study three different sources: The Bible (one passage from the Old Testament, and one from the New), The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, and Streams in the Desert. Today, the ideas in all three seemed to merge.

This morning's Bible passage was Matthew 9: 1-8, the story of healing the paralytic man:

"Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. 2 Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”3 At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”

4 Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? 5 Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? 6 But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” 7 Then the man got up and went home. 8 When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man."

I wondered why Jesus didn't heal the man just as soon as he forgave his sins? Wasn't that the whole point as to why his friends brought the paralyzed man to Jesus in the first place? We're told that Jesus capitulated because of the teachers of the law, but in doing so, He seems a little peeved about finally healing the man, like "Fine. You don't believe me? Well, here you go." Seems. Hold that thought.

As I pondered this, a few light bulbs started going off. First, the paralyzed man is typically regarded as the protagonist in the story, but what about the FRIENDS of the man? They are the ones who initiated the whole process. I can imagine them standing around their paralyzed friend and saying, "Hey, I know a guy. . .I've heard about Him and what He has been doing. I KNOW He can fix this." The paralyzed man, having nothing to lose, but really no skin in the game - no faith, let himself be brought to this "guy."

Jesus's initial decision was to forgive the man's sins. He obviously COULD have healed the man right away, but He CHOSE not to. Why? Well, as we know (and for some of us - me), it takes multiple passes to underscore the fact that Jesus does nothing other than what is of benefit to His plan - both for our lives, the lives of others, and the world. He didn't heal first because it just wasn't the right time or action for His plan. Of course, this leads to the question of why. Why would it have been so bad to just heal the guy right away as soon as his sins were forgiven?

Obviously, only Jesus knows that answer, but again, I started letting my mind wander about the scenario. The conclusion I come to is that healing the man before he was ready could have either been a "left turn" in God's Plan, or in the very least, a throwaway. To explain, if only the man's physical life, and not his heart, was changed, then the action was futile. Yeah, he was able to walk, but for what purpose? For his own benefit, or for God's. A physical healing so monumental, so life-changing, had to be accompanied by an internal change.

Then, I read Oswald next, and his opening line was "We imagine we would be all right if a big crisis arose; but the big crisis will only reveal the stuff we are made of, it will not put anything into us. "If God gives the call, of course, I will rise to the occasion." You will not unless you have risen to the occasion in the workshop, unless you have been the real thing before God there. If you are not doing the thing that lies nearest, because God has engineer it, when the crisis comes instead of being revealed as fit, you will be revealed as unfit. Crises always reveal character."

Suffering sucks. It doesn't matter what kind it is: Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, all of the above. It sucks more than anything in the world, and yet, wise people know that suffering is the sweet spot of growth.

Today's devotion in Streams in the Desert affirms this idea by stating: "There is a mysterious power in suffering, something beyond human understanding. Every truly great and holy life has gone through deep pain. When a suffering soul reaches a place of calm acceptance—when it can quietly smile at its pain and no longer even ask God to take it away—then suffering has done its sacred work.

In this perfection of suffering, the Holy Spirit works many wonders within us. The whole person becomes still under God’s hand. The mind, heart, and will are finally surrendered. A deep quietness settles over the soul. Words grow fewer, questions fade, and the cry of 'Why have You forsaken me?' falls silent."

Suffering is often unfair, undeserved, and seems unendurable. And yet, even though it's a controversial, unsavory idea, believers know that suffering is necessary to grow faith. "The imagination no longer chases empty dreams. Reason becomes gentle and humble. Choices no longer matter except for following God’s will. The heart grows free from its attachments to things and people. In this place, nothing can harm, offend, or stop it. No matter the circumstances—good or bad—it seeks only God and His purpose, fully trusting that He is working everything together for good" (Streams in the Desert).

Therefore, in my way of thinking, the paralyzed man must not have spent enough time in the "workshop." Even so, Jesus healed him anyway. As Chambers explained, "If you have not been worshipping [spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, etc], as occasion serves, when you get into the work, you will not only be useless yourself, but a tremendous hindrance to those who are associated with you." In other words, too soon can be detrimental.

With God, there is no "too soon." There is "right on time." The point being, the focus of the passage in Matthew was the friends, the focus was on the paralyzed man who walked, the focus was on the people who were there, and it was about the teachers of the law. Nothing was an accident, and I believe whatever perceived "drama" wasn't drama at all; Jesus was being intentionally direct. Jesus timed it all perfectly and ended up playing the situation four different ways. Genius.

Knowing all that, it's hard to believe that I - anyone- could doubt Him. His Plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. His intentions for my life are perfect. All He asks from me is my faith, my trust, and my willingness to say, "Hey, I know a guy. . ."

Where Focus Goes, Energy Flows

For several years, Mrs. Wren has elected to use (what was supposed to be) a decorative birdhouse that hangs right by our patio door.  Each year, she returns to hatch a new batch of babies. We always know she's back because wrens have a distinctive musicality.

Anyway, once the babies have hatched, her sole focus is food.  She is back and forth and back and forth, feeding her babies.  And no matter how long she is gone, they always act like they are starved, pushing to the front/top so they can get the juiciest bits of wriggly creature in Mama's mouth. 

Everyday, competing thoughts, worries and emotions wrestle to the forefront of our minds, wanting to be fed by our time and energy.  Like Mrs. Wren, we are in constant motion - if not physically, then emotionally - feeding those thoughts.  Similar to the baby birds in the nest, our thoughts, worries, and emotions all compete for attention, jockeying for prime real estate in our minds. Not surprisingly, the noisiest, pushiest, and most demanding of those are fed first.  From what I can see, Mrs. Wren's decisions about whom to feed first is not based on priority or hierarchy of need.  She just does what she is programmed to do: Find the food and dump the food into an open mouth.  

I think we do the same thing.  Our time and energy is sopped by whatever has pushed ahead in our minds: A worry about a child, friend, or situation? A repetitive thought about a financial issue, something dumb we said, or a job task? Shame? Guilt? Irrational fear? And of course, the noisiest, pushiest, and most demanding (and destructive) of all: Anger. 

At least, that's the most frequent, uninvited guest in my head these days - anger.  The past year and a half have been personally challenging, with a steady flow of unexpected criticism, accusations, and meanness in my direction.  The result has been strong feelings of betrayal, mistrust, and of course, anger.  Operating under the premise that my actions and reactions are my responsibility, I have moved forward, trying to counteract the unkindness towards me with kindness from me. Still, the anger simmers below the surface, and I generally keep a tight lid on it.  Even so, that's maintenance of a problem, not a solution.

And then, as I was watching the Wren family, I started thinking.  Whatever you feed is what grows and gets stronger.  The babies in the nest who push forward are getting fed more and more frequently; they will leave the nest first.  If Mrs. Wren doesn't feed the others, they will die.  

What you feed, grows.  What you don't feed, dies. 

What you focus on, grows, becomes bigger and stronger.  

Eventually, just like the baby birds, it will all fly away. It just won't matter anymore.  But for now, "where focus goes, energy flows." 

So I guess the decision is about what to feed - determining the focus and subsequent energy. . .goals, joys, daily "glimmers," relationships of my choice. . .

and what not to feed. . .insecurities, negativity, disappointments, and yes, anger. 

Where focus goes, energy flows.

Thoughts on 50+

There are some false assumptions about 50+ year olds that have been on my mind. 

One assumption is that we have found the lifetime career of choice, have no interest in changing that career, and are just waiting to retire.  In the world of work, it often feels as though age is more of a liability than an asset. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  

In my 50s, I am taking stock of what I like and what I don't like - something I have never had the time or bravery to do.  I am taking stock of what I'm willing to do and try, and what I'm fine to let pass by or out-and-out reject.  

When a person is young and/or in the thick of raising kids, you tend to be self-conscious about just about everything: Work performance, child-rearing, appearance etc.  Either that, or you are too busy trying to please or prove your value, and/or are just too busy to think about what you want. 

Finally, in your 50s, you have the opportunity to take a breath and really consider what brings you joy and want you actually want out of life, or even just a day.  

The irony is that the world puts up a hand and says, "Whoa, there.  Don't get too big for your britches.  You're a ______ (whatever they have decided you are). Just stay in your lane, take it easy, and soon, you can retire."  

Like, retirement is the ultimate golden ticket? Maybe it is; I'm not there yet, so I don't know.  But I know that even when I "retire," I won't retire.  I will just stop doing THAT and do something else.  I like to work.  I find meaning, purpose and fulfillment in working, even if it's just cleaning out a drawer.  

Dismissing 50+ people like me is a mistake.  People in this age bracket have an incredible work ethic (and I am NOT saying that under 50s don't). There are a lot of reasons for that, but suffice it to say, we go the extra mile. Likewise, 50+ have a lot to bring to the table: knowledge, skill, and experience. While this is good, it also means that, as a result, I am pretty vocal about what's on the table, what I'm asked to do at the table, and how long I am expected to be at the table.  This makes me unpopular at times.  In my 20s, I was more willing to shut up, put up, and be wrung dry so that I could please employers and keep a job that I thought would somehow go away.  Age and experience has made me wiser (and mouthier). 

Another assumption is that we have our friend groups, routines, and habits established, and therefore, are not interested in anything new.  Again, this is a false assumption.  While it's true that we have carefully curated friendships/relationships (because we now know what we want and value in relationship), to assume that we have closed the door to socialization is false.  

For example, an erroneous assumption is that the church you started attending and relationships you established in your 20s and 30s is your church for life.  While it may be true for some, it is not true for everyone. If you are a 50 something walking into a new church, you need nerves of steel.  First, most programming is geared toward families and kids, and rightfully so.  I support that 100%. Raising kids, growing a young marriage/family, and surrounding your kids/family with Godly-values and influences is super-important.  For a 50 something, however, it's a tough landscape to navigate.  Most friendships have been long-established and set. If you're an extrovert, you inwardly tell yourself, "Challenge accepted," but for an introvert, it can be daunting and difficult. 

All right. . .that's enough about assumptions.  Here are some facts about people who are 50+ (feel free to dispute or add to): 

1. We have dreams, as we always have.  Dreams are not just for the young.  These days, we reevaluate previous dreams in terms of "Is this still important to me?" and "What is the likelihood this will happen, and am I ok if it doesn't?" We consider new dreams and ask, "Ok, what are the steps I need to do to make this happen?" If anything, our dreams have more shape and definition than they ever have, since we have a clear and realistic focus/target.

2. We are a career goldmine.  Not only do we have refined skills of both depth and breadth; we have experience to go with it.  We have both common sense and wisdom.  Employers would be stupid to dismiss us.

3. We say yes just as much, if not more, than we say no.  We are no longer (or less) encumbered by the self-consciousness and self-doubt or frenetic lifestyle of the 20s, 30s, and 40s.  So we say yes - a lot.  If we say no, there is usually a damn good reason, and you best be paying attention to the why.

4. We generally want to meet new people and try new things.  Likewise, we are learning all the time. Fifty plus is a time in which we get to try all the things we never had time for before. We have a firmer grasp on what we value and what we consider to be non-negotiables, both in people and activities.  We know what hills we are willing to die on and what to let go by. Likewise, we understand and listen to our bodies better  - we know what we can and should do, and we have a realistic idea of our limitations. In short, we now choose instead of are told what to choose.

5.   We get discounts now.  That's pretty baller. 

The Seed of Truth

 Truth is a dandelion seed.

A seed arrives.  It comes through the wind in unusual ways.  It could be in a random conversation while standing in line somewhere.  It could be a paragraph in a newspaper.  It could be meeting someone new, or visiting somewhere new. 

No matter the route in which it gets to you, the seed is planted.  Since it seems like an unexpected gift, a pleasant diversion from routine living, the seed is buried, protected, watered, nurtured, and soon, a plant pushes through the soil and grows.

What joy at the discovery. The plan grows and eventually blooms.  Its bright yellow flower, contrasted by brilliant verdant stems, is sunshine and warmth in a physical form. It provides nourishment at the sight of it, but also in ingesting it.  This truth feels like it is the real thing.

And then, the flower changes shape.  Where once there were yellow petals, there is now a round head of prickly white. It has morphed into something untouchable, as the slightest touch breaks it apart, destroying it.  

What once was, now is not. It has changed, and in so doing, the true form is revealed. It is not as beautiful as was once believed. 

That which was thought to be truth is shown to be something completely different.

With a strong gust of wind, the "truth" is blown away.  And one is left with this sad fact: It was not true after all.

What is left? Something that one cannot be rid of. The seed regrows and returns year after year to mock as a reminder of naivete. The more fool oiu for thinking that anything or anyone is who or what they claim to be. 

With each gust of wind, the seeds of real truth are planted. And there is the rub.  

The truth has always been there. It has just been something the opposite of what was believed. 

When first planted, for a short moment, it seems, and sort of is, true, honorable, just pure, lovely and commendable (Philippians 4:9).

The real truth is that. . . there is no such truth on Earth or in people. We may see glimpses, which gives us hope and a vision of things to come, but for now, be cautious in seeking truth.  There is only One Source.