The Mustard Seed

“Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, Lord, have never forsaken
those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

Years ago, I purchased two necklaces - one for a friend and one for me. The friend was undergoing cancer treatment, and I gave her the necklace to encourage her.

The necklace is very simple and not particularly beautiful (see pic).  It’s just a simple mustard-seed, which is a tangible representation of Matthew 17:20 - Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

The disease itself is horrific enough, but treatment and its ensuing symptoms are equally physically destructive.  The intangible struggles, however, are the most difficult. It’s a daily battle for a cancer patient to keep the faith and remain optimistic amid the constant physical debilitation.

Although something as paltry as a necklace does nothing to abate any of this, I just wanted my friend to have a tangible reminder of God’s power and faithfulness, and I wanted her to know that I was her faithful prayer partner in this battle.

My friend is still battling cancer, and I’m still wearing the necklace.  I still continue to uphold her in prayer, but now, the mustard-seed is a faith talisman for three instead of one.

My daughter is struggling, and as a result, I’m struggling too.

I know that nothing is impossible for God. I truly do have faith as small as a mustard seed, and so I continue to persist in prayer - for both of us - that “the Lord will hear when I call to him.” (Psalm 4:3b) because “everything is possible for him who believes” (Mark 9:23).

My daughter, who notices everything, asked me about the necklace, and I explained to her a while back why I wear it and that I will not take it off until my prayers are answered.

Stubborn or stupid? Faithful or foolish? Call it what you will, but “the Lord is far from the wicked, but He hears the prayers of the righteous” (Proverbs 15:29). For that reason, I gut-check motivation frequently. It is my heart’s desire to be in the center of His Will.

For now, I wait. . .and wear the necklace. It is assured that IT will wear out long before my faith does.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that
prevails.” Proverbs 19:21

I Got This

Psalm 34:15 “The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry.”

This was my devotion this morning. 

For the last couple of weeks in church, the pastoral staff has been challenging us to prepare and share one-minute testimonies.  Various people have been sharing these testimonies in church as examples, so good student that I am, I prepared one as well.  

However, this devotion reminded me of a powerful, real God moment that recently humbled me. “Humble” is one of those words that has a largely negative connotation in our current me-first culture, but in this case, humble, or in my case, to be humbled was exactly what I needed. If you have a minute or two, let me tell you what happened.

On January 14, 2018, our daughter, Erika, called from college  She wanted to come home.  School had been going fine, but her current city was too far away. At the conclusion of the call, we all agreed that she was going to come home ASAP.  We just had to tie up the loose ends on her end.  Just. 

That meant that we had to convince the university to let her withdraw without penalty.  We had to find a sub-leaser for the apartment lease she had signed for June, and we had to find a sub-leaser for her current apartment.  

That night, I brought it all before God in prayer, and as usual, I awoke in the middle of night, anxious with worry.  Again, I prayed in the wee hours.  

And in the darkness, I heard Him say - clearly and distinctly - “I got this.”  

Yeah, I know.  It seemed like an odd phrase for the God of the Universe to use as a response, but I tell you, I KNOW it was Him.  I have heard Him speak to me before, and it was the same voice. 

In the ensuing days, the first two issues were resolved fairly quickly and easily.  The third one was a little trickier.  The leasing company was not going to release Erika, and her lease was through May.  And to complicate matters, she was out of money.  January was paid for, but after that, she would need to cough up money pay rent for an apartment she would not be living in.  

Erika’s anxiety was mounting, so I told her about my middle-of-the-night experience with God.  Then, I relayed to her an anecdote I had read in Guidepost magazine about a woman’s answered prayer regarding a coat for her child.  The woman’s purpose in relaying the incident was to encourage readers to pray specific prayers.  

Even as I was narrating this all to Erika, I knew where God was taking me, and I felt a bead of sweat across my hairline.  He wanted me to tell Erika to pray a specific prayer, which, after some hesitation, I did.  

After we hung up, I said, Ok, God, I did what you asked.  Now, the ball is in your court.  Please, please follow-through. 

As the days went on, both Erika and I did what we could to market her apartment: we put ads on Craigslist and on-line social media sites, and kept in almost-daily contact with the leasing company, waiting for a sub-leaser.  We had several inquiries, but nothing seemed to be panning out.  Each day was increasingly discouraging.  The nearer we crept to January 31, the more panicky I became.  

On January 26, I wrote in my journal: This lease business needs to be done today.  I’m trusting that God will follow through on what He told me: I got this. I have been trusting all week, and the window keeps closing. . .I know I’m supposed to rest in Him. “Trying” is not the appropriate word.  It’s either yes or no.  I choose yes. My daughter chooses yes. This is a pivotal moment. God will show her how prayer is answered.  I do NOT want to presume God’s timeline or method, but I am presuming He will be true to what he said.

On January 30, I continued ripping up the worry that was desperately trying to take root inside: He told me, I got this, with regard to the lease issue. I heard it, so I have been working hard on not allowing panic mode to be my choice, but finding that peace is so difficult. I laid the groundwork for Erika too.  I told her to pray specifically.  It seems like a pivotal moment, and I pray (literally) that God will move and close it up.

By January 31, I was so discouraged.  Although I had not given up, I will admit that the flame of faith was barely flickering.  I was so sure that I had heard God’s voice.  Not only had I been wrong about that for myself, but now, I had involved Erika with my mistake as well.  

Then, at 3:00 p.m, I got a call from the leasing company.  A girl had come in, needed a place through May, and had signed the papers to take over Erika’s lease.  Although I was overjoyed, I felt horribly guilty as well. In that moment, I was so humbled by the kindness and provision of my Savior.  I was also reminded that He is God and does what He wants, when He wants - regardless of whatever timelines or dictums I fruitlessly try to impose.  

I wrote in my journal: I feel like such a failure for doubting. I was so angry  with God for dropping the ball, and here He delivered - right on time (His) - just like He said He would. He had told me, I got this, and I doubted Him. This clarifies for me that I did, in fact, hear His voice.  He does what He says He will do. He is on His schedule, not mine.  He honors prayers that are righteous, not selfish.  

Earlier in the week, I was particularly discouraged.  When I got into the car, I heard the song, Miracle, by Unspoken.  When I heard the line, “Don’t you give up on a miracle,” it caught my attention briefly, but I now know this was a message from God to me.  He made me attentive at the exact moment I needed to be.  That’s no coincidence.  Lesson learned - the hard way - as usual. So very grateful, and my challenge now is to spread the word.”

And so, that’s what I’m doing right now. As our family continues to pass through deep waters, I  boldly pray specific prayers.  I now know, firsthand, the power in doing so.  

Please don’t be misled; I am not trying to promote God as a giant Candy Man, who fulfills our every whim.  When our motives, heart, and requests align with His Will, He is faithful to respond. I John 5:14: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” The answer might not be exactly what we expected (or when!), but it is always better than we could ever have imagined. 

If my testimony encourages you, great, but my message is every bit as much for me, to me. As I continue to pray my way through the difficulties and challenges of life, I know God’s got this.

Psalm 5:3 “In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

Join the Junk Drawer

Confession: I force myself to go to church these days.

I don’t want to go.

I could easily become one of the increasing numbers of people who choose to stay home on Sunday morning and watch _____(pick your favorite TV evangelist) while lounging in their pjs. But I don’t.  I keep forcing myself to get up, get ready, get in the car, and get through the front doors to worship with the crowd in real-time. 

I have heard all the reasons people offer as to why they don’t go to church – the place is filled with hypocrites. . .the teaching isn’t relevant. . .the music is too loud/too much/too outdated. . .I’m exhausted from working all week and need a day to myself. . .my kids have sporting events on that day.

While I could easily choose one of these, the real reason why I don’t want to go is because I don’t belong there. 

But then, nobody does.

In almost every home, there is a junk drawer.  It is a catch-all of useless, discarded, and broken crap.  The only thing that these items have in common is that someone deemed the item worth saving, even if the reason is unknown. 

Although it might sound sacrilegious, church is a giant junk drawer.  In spite of the best efforts of some to camouflage this fact, we are all broken pieces, who are currently, in this time and in this place, residing in the drawer together. And like the items in the junk drawer, Someone decided a long time ago that we were worth saving. 

For some, brokenness is physical – an illness or a disease.  For others, it is mental – depression or grief.  For still others, there is social, financial, or spiritual brokenness.  For most, it is a combination of factors. The bottom line is that brokenness is brokenness, and to the one who suffers, it is the worst thing in the world.

That’s true for me as well. My life is a total mess right now.  I’m not ready to get into specifics, but suffice it to say that just when I think it couldn’t get any worse, it does. . .over and over.  Although it is difficult, I clutch my broken pieces and cling to God through the Bible and prayer. 

Church is the last place I want to be, largely because of shame, disappointment, and guilt. Even if I have done a good job of trying to fill the cracks and polish the scuffmarks, people aren’t stupid.  They see; they know. 

But church is the only place I can be, solely because there is nowhere else to go.   

And although it is difficult for me grasp, if I feel this way, I know there are others just like me. 

Church is a place where the junk drawer is emptied. The useless, discarded, and broken pieces discover that they are not alone. While only God can restore, repair, and re-construct the pieces – to make them whole or the creation He intended them to be, it is enough to know that there are others like us.  And while we wait for the Creator to finish His masterpiece, church is a place where junk drawer inhabitants can support and encourage each other until healing and restoration is complete.

And that is why I force myself to go to church. 

Once I’m there, I understand that I am not alone in the junk drawer.   I really do belong, and it gives me a tender heart for the broken pieces that are currently outside the drawer.  Alone.  Feeling discouraged.  Without hope.  There is plenty of room in the drawer; it is up to me to keep my eyes open for cracks and scuffmarks. 

Don't Let Go

"The greatest challenge in receiving great things from God is holding on for the last half hour."

This was the last line of my devotional this morning. I'm trying to think of an appropriate time marker to delineate when the trouble in my life began: about two months ago . . .no, about six months ago. . .well, technically, two years ago. . .but of course. it was more like three, then four, then ten years ago.  I guess it's safe to say that trouble, challenge, and difficulty have been my closest partners throughout my entire life.  As is the case for anyone who breathes air, to be alive is to experience conflict.  No one is free from it. 

Likewise, everyone reacts differently to it.  Some fight.  Some drink.  Some withdraw.  Some succeed while others fail.  I think the best word to describe how I approach trouble in my life is absorb.  When something bad, stressful, or disappointing happens, I absorb all of the negativity.  Like a sponge, I suck up the emotions, the road blocks, and the problems and become heavy, logy, overloaded.  Eventually, I can absorb no more, and some of it begins to leak out.  Sometimes, the overflow leaks from eyes and flows alternately as a quiet stream or a wild flood.  Other times, my mouth is a fire hydrant through which all the stress blasts, and anyone in the closest vicinity is doused with an unexpected and surprising torrent.

The head-fake about trouble is that we think there will be an end to it.  We hope.  That is the capacity of humans: The inexplicable belief that it can't last forever.  But for as long as we are on this side of heaven, it will last.  And where one issue ends, another will take it's place. 

While that sounds ever-so-pessimistic, the good news is that none of it is random.  Coincidence is not a word in God's vernacular, nor should it be in ours.  When trouble begins, it is allowed because it is an integral part of a carefully-crafted training plan. 

Romans 5:3-4 ". . . because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope."

This verse helps me find peace and joy when I'm in the thick of it because it helps me realize just how important I am to God.  He allows this trouble in my life because I am worth it.  I am a special project.  He is so concerned about my character - who I am becoming in Him - that He allows this garbage to keep happening.  He has a special goal in mind - a particular job that He has in mind for me.  Therefore, it is important for me to keep training as preparation for what's to come.  I am such a hot mess, and yet, there is something in me that He sees, that He finds exceptional and valuable, and that's why He keeps pushing me. He needs just me to fulfill a special role He has in mind, and He won't settle for nothing than my best.  

And I believe - with my whole heart - that the end game is going to overwhelm me- in ways I would never have imagined.  The outcome will be greater and better than anything I could have dreamed up or reasoned with my limited humanity. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  God knows my heart; He knows who I truly am and what I truly desire, even when mixed messages and outward failures are the only thing that others remember or see of me.  

And yet, there are times when it feels as though it is too much.  In fact, it always feels as though it is too much, and I ask Him, "Are we there yet?  Is this the very worst it could be? Have we reached the bottom, so I can push off and reach the surface?"  Not surprisingly, He doesn't answer, and I don't think I really want to know anyway. I just do the only thing I can think of to do - the only thing that makes any sense: I hang on.  Tight.  

Let me explain.

Whenever trouble threatens to overwhelm me, I call to mind an image, a portrait that I have created in my head.  In the center of my painting is a large, ancient willow tree.  The trunk is so vast that I can only wrap my arms around a portion of it.  In this painting, I am a five-year-old version of myself, and as I play in the grass near the tree, a fierce storm erupts.  The sky turns black, and a vicious wind roars like a freight train.  Rain and hail sting my skin as I run for the shelter of the tree.  Once under the long branches, I grasp the trunk as tightly as I can, burying my face in the cool, dark bark.  Slowly the branches of the willow tree encase me, and I no longer hear or feel the effects of the storm as it rages.  I am safe. 

And so, I keep holding on. I have no idea how long the storm may last, but I feel safe and secure.  The bark may scratch my cheek, and my legs may ache from standing in one place, but I'm not going anywhere; this is exactly where God wants me.  If stay close to Him, He will see me through.

Hebrews 10:36 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised". . .and then some.