No One Wins

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to moral dilemmas, people generally fall into two categories? There are those who run from them and avoid conflict at all costs, and then, there are those who may not necessarily run TO them, but certainly get some satisfaction in being a part of the resolution. I don't think I fall into either category. I don't go looking for dilemmas, but somehow they seem to find me nonetheless.

            Since I have been a classroom teacher to high school juniors and seniors for the past 21 years, I have certainly been a part of my fair share of moral dilemmas. As a Christian and teacher, I have navigated these dilemmas fairly successfully because I have a well-tuned sense of right and wrong.

            However, when my own two children became teenagers and dovetailed with my professional environment, the rules of the game suddenly changed. Navigating the morass of teenaged angst became a whole lot more complicated because now my kids were players in the drama that fuels the high school environment.  Fortunately, my kids never have had starring roles. . .until this year.

            To explain, my daughter and her bestie are involved in a second-tier (possibly third, since it's not really recognized or supported by the school) winter sport. While this particular team is not exceptionally athletic, they enjoy a strong camaraderie and have been satisfied to cocoon themselves away as their own brand of "nerd herd." In practical terms, they choose each other's company for bon-fires, movie nights, etc. Likewise, each of the kids in this group are high-achieving and intelligent and comes from homes where there is a mom, dad, supervision and structure.

            Imagine my surprise when my daughter and her friend casually mentioned that the guys in the group had started smoking marijuana. My inner mom impulse was to flip out, but after years of practice, teacher mom knew that I had to stay cool if the flow of information was to continue.

            Before you get all indignant on me, I am fully aware and agree that "good" kids are not exempt from doing drugs. In fact, in our school, many of the biggest drug users and dealers are jocks and preps (the popular kids). Likewise, in the high school in which I currently teach, marijuana is the drug of choice these days, superceding its old-fashioned counterpart, alcohol. The reasons for use (alcohol or drugs) is still the same, no matter the decade: courage, pressure to conform, and escape. My strong reaction stemmed from having a "mama bear" moment. For those of you that are unfamiliar, it's where a normally placid woman turns into a teeth-bearing, protective mother.

            As both a teacher and mother, I was in a quandary. What was I supposed to DO with this information? Initially, I had a private conversation with my principal. In essence, he assured me that I was under no moral obligation to report it.  He further disclosed that he had encountered a parallel circumstance in which he learned that his son's friends were smoking pot. He had let the issue run its course; the boys under question ultimately screwed up and were caught. My principal said that my first and only responsibility was to my daughter, and I should do nothing to compromise my relationship with her.

            So that's what I did: nothing. I kept my mouth shut even though every time I saw the parents of these kids, I felt immense guilt.

            Yesterday, the rules of the game changed again.

            After a meeting for the sport in which all these kids are involved, my husband and I and a pot-smoking boy's parents coincidentally (yeah, I know it's not coincidence) decided to eat at the same fast food restaurant at the same time. They asked to sit with us, and we complied.

            Throughout the conversation, we listened to the boy's parents talk about how proud they were of their son - that even though some people he knows are/were smoking pot, he had assured them that he was not doing that. I grew more and more uncomfortable as I listened to them talk. Everything they said was in clear opposition to what our daughter had told us.

            Naturally, at the close of dinner, I immediately called my daughter and told her we had to talk to her. We relayed the conversation, and I point-blank asked her, "Have you seen ____ actually smoke pot?"

            In detail, she described where the boys kept the pot, how they prepared it, how they smoked it, what they did to combat the physical "tells," and how often they smoked it. She ended by saying that if needed, she would tell these boys parents. When I asked her why she would throw herself under the bus like that, she said, "I am tired of them getting away with it. They are proud of it, and because we are friends with them, other people think that_____(bestie) and I do it too. I don't want people to think I am a pothead." And yes, shoot me. Call me naive. Say my judgment is clouded, but I believe my daughter when she says she is not, and has not, smoked pot. She is ready to take a pee test at any time, and what would her motivation be for telling me if she was actually doing it too?

            So make life easy. . .she should just make new friends. When I first heard about the pot-smoking, I told her to quit hanging around these guys. She argued that even if they smoke pot, they are still her friends. She continued by saying that their drug-use decision, while not hers, was not a deal-breaker for throwing the friendship away. Likewise, it's her senior year. Friendships are securely established by this point, and even though it's a large high school, the seniors are comfortably nestled into their chosen cliques. She is an adult, not ten anymore; while I can offer guidance, I cannot choose for her.

            With that in mind, while I admire her bravery and conviction, I am worried about the backlash (and all that the word encompasses). . for her, ____(bestie) and us if we move forward with this. But on the other hand, I feel immense guilt. . .and responsibility. If it was MY kid, I would want to know. As painful as it would be, I would prefer to know than not. Likewise, what if something happens to these boys as a result of drug use? I would feel implicated because I KNEW something and didn't say.

            I came in early to work today and talked to another, different assistant principal. His kids are grown, so I wanted to pick his brain from the voice of experience. You can probably imagine what he said. . .like five times:

            "If it was my kid, I would want to know."

            Ugh. Ugh x 2. I am struggling, and yet, this morning's devotions came from Mark 6:30-44, which is the feeding of the 5,000.  The writer said, "We come as we are, sometimes lost, sometimes discouraged, and sometimes having little faith. But as long as we are willing to give all that we have, God will do the rest. As long as we are willing to surrender them completely, God will multiply what faith and talents we have to equip us with more than we need to bless those around us."

            I am praying for wisdom to make the right decision. Like I said, I have a strong  moral inclination of knowing right from wrong. However, I am asking for the best course to do the right thing. I covet your prayers. . .and any wisdom you can bring to this issue.