I Samuel 17:32-40, 50. . . “’The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine’. . . Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. . . ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off. . . .So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.”
The writer of the devotion that I read about these verses this morning talked about the fact that David had to remove stuff in order to be successful for God. Saul tried to give David his armor as protection, but all it did was slow him down, so David took it off. To everyone there, I am sure that this decision seemed like madness, sure failure, definite death. But David’s confidence was in God. He didn’t falter at all. He had seen the ways in which God had helped him in the past, and he knew that God wasn’t going to leave him now.
One hundred per cent confidence and trust in God lead David to success. In fact, he took OFF all that was perceived to be helpful and protective, which only emphasized his complete and total trust in God. It reminds me of the verse, Hebrews 12: 1, “. . .let us throw OFF everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus. . .”
So it gets me to thinking, what do I need to take off in order to force me to be 100% all in for God? What am I using as a “protective” barrier that is actually keeping me from doing what I’m supposed to do?
Let’s see. . .I see a lack of 100% forgiveness. Oh, whenever I get ticked off at someone or something that’s happened in the past, I pray for the person, and I say, “I forgive you.” As I mentioned in an earlier blog, this is my goal. . .to practice the 70 x 77 thing. . .with the intention that if I say it and repeat it enough, it will become reality. Withholding forgiveness is my way of protecting myself, as backward as that may sound. If I remind myself of what has happened in the past. . .to be cautious of this or that person, the chances of being wounded again decrease.
The downside to that is that I never. Let. It. Go, which allows bitterness and anger to seep into my inner most being. Neither are conducive to growth. In fact, it causes me to stagnate or go backwards.
Here are two realities with regard to the situation. A) These people have no clue that they have hurt me or affected me. Life is “doo-ti-doo” to them – it continues, and they are oblivious. So while I’m so busy nursing this wound, the only person truly “feeling” it is me. I am punishing myself for something that they did, which is just pure stupid. It doesn’t change the situation; it just changes me, and not in a good way. . .B) forgiveness does not require forgetting (I realize that there may be those who disagree, and that’s ok, but I’ve thought this through). In my opinion, to even suggest that forgetting it is asinine. If your arm gets cut off, and it’s the most incredible, life-changing event, you don’t just forget it. There is a reminder for the rest of your life; this is a physical wound/dismemberment. I don’t think emotional wounds and dismemberments are different. You don’t just forget or suppress a huge hurt; that just leads to more problems in the future. The deal with forgiveness is that it’s a choice. Yup, you remember what happen. . .yup, it hurt like hell. . . yup, it affected your life. . . but in spite of it all, you are CHOOSING to forgive. You will always remember what happened, which isn’t bad to my way of thinking. God was aware that it was happening, and He allowed it to happen; therefore, that event was crucial, critical even, in developing you into the person He wants you to be. Forgetting the event is not required; turning the angst, bitterness, and anger into forgiveness is required. That’s what God did for us, and that’s what He expects of us as His children. He’s done the role-modeling (as a good parent will do); it’s now our turn to mimic what we see.
What other “security blankies” are barriers? Getting involved with others, I suppose. I prefer to keep my distance from people, largely because it protects me from the possibility of disappointing them or having them disappoint or hurt me in some way. In considering my history, it’s clear that I’m an uber-sensitive person who tends to get her feelings crushed without anyone noticing. Those wounds hurt badly (see above paragraphs), and I don’t want that feeling replicated, so I keep my distance. It’s easier to stay away.
Besides, people are messy. They are a jumble of personality characteristics, memories, goals, preferences, etc. Trying to get all this stuff to mesh together is messy. It requires time, patience, and sometimes, money. In short, it’s a lot of work, and what do you actually get out of it?
Here’s the downside to thinking like that. . .first, when I isolate myself from other people, I get myself in a bad place in a hurry. When there is only one thought about situations (mine), and there is only one person who is digesting and analyzing the situation (me), then, I lack something very critical, which is perspective. Of course, what I’m thinking must be right and true because, hey, the only person who would disagree with me would be me, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to do that. I’m really good at creating all sorts of (to me) “realistic” fantasies about my life, my relationships with others, etc, but that thinking is often skewed because I’m only looking at it from one angle (mine). Satan loves it when I do that; he uses that as a prime opportunity to help me push myself away from God and into my own little, self-involved world. Isolation is a form of insanity because it’s doing and thinking the same stuff over and over again without seeking change or perspective.
And yup, people are messy, but let’s face it, they are the reason why are on this earth in the first place. First and foremost, we are to glorify God, and our mission in doing so is to “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.” Mark 16: 15. If we hide from others and isolate ourselves away from them, we are being disobedient, and well, pointless. What would have happened to me if someone else (specifically, my family) would have adopted this attitude of “She’s too much work”?
Another barrier is fear. In our small group right now, we are reading the book, Fearless, by Max Lucado, in which he addresses all the types of fears that weighs us down. I like to think that I’m a pretty brave person. I like to try new and different things, but that’s mostly because I’m adventurous and like the novelty of “new” and “different.” It’s not because I’m fearless. Let me explain.
I won’t re-hash barrier #2, but getting involved with others involves risk (as I explained). I don’t want to get hurt (as I explained), BUT I also don’t want to be rejected. That sucks. I’m going to be 100% honest right now by saying that I avoid a lot of social situations because, well, I have an innate belief that most people don’t like me. At all. I have a good friend named Amy who is well-loved and seems to have a carte blanche invitation to most social circles because, well, she’s just an all-around, genuinely nice person. She is not loud, brash, or highly-opinionated, but when she speaks, she has thought carefully about what to say, and it always makes sense. I don’t say this to be mean or because I’m “jealous” of her; it’s the truth, and because we’re friends, I feel as though I’m allowed into social circles simply because I’m riding on her coattails (and possibly holding her back because of it).
This is getting kinda long, so I’ll try to speed through this a bit. . .I fear being forgotten – that if I died tomorrow, no one would remember me (which is going to happen) and worse, I would not have left any indelible mark on this world for God. . .I fear making the wrong choices – that in spite of prayer and careful consideration, I still end up choosing poorly (selfishly) rather than following the path that God wants for me. . .I worry (a form of fear) about how my kids will end up – will they be able to find a worthy spouse, raise Godly children, serve God productively in a career that He’s chosen for them, willingly wish to come to holiday celebrations, willingly come to see me when I’m old. . .I fear a pointless future – when I’m done raising my kids, then what? My whole life has been centered around them, but when they don’t need me anymore, then what? Will I just keep banging my head against the wall in trying to teach kids who don’t want to learn in a district in which I don’t even matter?
As I have stated before, all fear is inherently opposite to God. Just as all sin is opposite of God, fear is too. Fear places the focus on self vs. God. When I fear, I am basically saying, “Um, yeah, God, you’re nice and all, but I just don’t trust you. I’m going to chew on this (these) situation (s) a bit more until I come up with what I think is the best scenario.” When I fear, I’m like David putting on all of Saul’s armor, thinking that I have to wear it in order to be successful against the giant, but unlike David, I don’t take it off. I drag it around; it’s heavy, and worst of all, its weight impedes me from doing the best that I can do for God. . . wow, that’s so powerful, I think I’ll say it again. . . I drag it around; it’s heavy, and worst of all, its weight impedes me from doing the best that I can do for God.
So it seems I have a choice to make. I can be the ever-relentless, independent turd that I think I need to be, or I can put all of my eggs into one basket – His- and patiently wait for God to be God. It reminds me of a song, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim; in the light of his glory and grace.” The only thing keeping me from doing great things for God is. . .me.
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