When I'm listening to podcasts, I often hear people reference their ennegram number. I couldn't remember if I had actually done that assessment in the past, so I just took the quiz this morning. According to my results, I am a 2: The Altruist or Helper.
I suppose that's true enough. I usually put my whatever aside so that I can help someone else with their whatever, usually their emotional whatever. It sounds well enough, and it is, but it is also the very thing I whine most about - the fact that I often put aside my own dreams and aspirations to help someone reach his/hers. Many times in my head, I have seen the visual of me on the ground, acting as the base, while others stand on my shoulders to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve. People see the "flyer," but they don't see the base. That gets frustrating for me. Of course, I would never admit that to someone else. It's safer just to plunk it out here.
The ironic part in all that is that I do NOT like attention. It seems as though I am whining BECAUSE I want to be noticed, but nothing could be further from the truth. Whenever my efforts for assistance are acknowledged, I get really uncomfortable. That's mostly because I believe that this is just a cornerstone of life - to help one another when needed.
My whining stems from the fact that I do not get to see my dreams and aspirations come to fruition. And it's my own damn fault. I do NOT want anyone else's help; I want to do it on my own. But in being a helper, I always put aisde my own schedule and plans when someone else needs help. Basically, I sabotage myself, and then, I have the audacity to whine about it. Pfft. How stupid.
The question that arises, of course is why do I do that? The easy answer is that I HATE to see anyone in pain. I HATE for anyone to feel alone and despondent. I HATE for anyone to feel hope-less. I feel compelled to be the person I needed. There have been times in my life when I have really been in teh gutter. The people whom I assumed would be there to NOTICE and subsequently help me walk through the gutter (not carry me) were not there. For a variety of reasons, they did not SEE me. Sometimes, it was because they were too busy. Sometimes, it was because they were self-centered (and I would say many people fall into this category). Sometimes, it was because they did just did not want to (too much time and effort). Sometimes, it was because they did not know how and were afraid to try. All of the time, it sent a clear message to me that I was not important to them. I ido not ever want to be THAT person.
As a result, I have become about as self-sufficient as one can become. Actually, that's not true. I have become extremely God-dependent. I wish I could add, "as one can become," but I know that I still have a long way to go. Yes, I take care of my own own emotional business, with God's help. I have learned not to rely on others. This leads to disappointment in others, which almost always turns into anger for me. When this happens, the anger poisons the relationship (for me), and I no longer want to be associated with the person. For now, I keep people at arm's length. That keeps me safe and not judgmental.
That still does not address the problem at hand. What to do about my own failings when it comes to my dreams, goals, and aspirations. I have said for years, and have yet to really make it happen, that I need to protect my schedule. I need to protect the time I allot for myself and my endeavors. Hold the line. But it never really happens. My plans will crumble at a moment's notice when I am "needed."
But here's a thought: Am I always needed? I may be the first impulse for some people, but am I THE only one who can help? Perhaps by jumping in all the time I am thwarting progress for someone else? Perhaps the person him or herself needs to learn more God-dependency. I do not want to send the message that I don't care, but boundaries are incredibly important and healthy. Perhaps I am interrupting the development of altruism in someone else? It's a thought. But I still believe that God has gifted me (or perhaps it has been developed based on my human experiences) with the intuition and awareness to KNOW when I am needed. The Bible is pretty clear that I am to LOVE, to be AVAILABLE, to SHOW HOSPITALITY, etc. The Bible is also pretty clear that God will give me the desires of my heart in due time (His time).
So what do I do now? How do I find and have peace? Do what He calls me to do. Live in such relatioship with Him that my desires, aspirations, and dreams reflect His. It is truly in being one with Him that I find true Joy in being who I am. That is where I find peace. That is where I find fulfillment and contentment. That is who I was made to be. I have been listening too much to the world. It tells me that that "I" and "me" are the two most important words. They are not. That is a worldly focus. That's what got us as a human race in trouble in the first place. God's purposes for my life are best. He knows me better than anyone else - truly knows what I think, worry about, care about, etc. As a result, He knows best how and where and why to find joy and purpose in my life.
The world may say that I am a 2. The world may say that I am an INFJ. God says, "You are mine, Beloved." I see you. I hear you. I made you. I know you. Trust me to show you all the beauty, happiness, joy, peace, and blessing there is for you. Trust me. Rest in me.
Ephesians 3: 17-19: May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
