This hasn't been a great week thus far, and it's only Tuesday. That's because last week has already spilled over into this one. Things are super-stressful at work and straight-up depressing at home.
Let's start with work. For the last two years, I have been trying to be an instructional coach. It's been fairly miserable. There have been bright spots - times when I help a teacher or student, and it feels as though all is right with the world. Most of the time, it's not fun at all. Lots of PD planning, lots of trying to drum up business among the teachers, lots of meetings. Let's face it. It's just not been my thing. I've tried. If I'm honest, I tried last year more than this. I was a lot more optimistic last year. This year, if I'm honest, I have been just getting through.
On the plus side, I have had more freedom. I have had my evening open and free to do what I want. I have been consulted - like really consulted - on many things. I have known and kept many secrets. I have really worked on my leadership skills. Even so, it's all pretty much been for naught. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere with my department.
Although it's been the works for a while, a colleague in my department told me last week that she is resigning to go work for another district. It's May. While happy for her, I secretly experienced mild panic. Where are we going to find a qualified candidate so late in the game? Naturally, I contacted my principal so we could talk it out.
Through the course of the conversation, he came to the conclusion that I will be going back to the classroom, and they will just hire another coach - that person will be easy to train. Oy. Did you feel the wind from the knife being sunk into my chest? If you did, imagine the pain I felt as it was going in. I'll tell you why in a minute.
Equally concerned as I that there may not be quality candidates to interview/hire, it makes the most sense for me to go back to the classroom. Likewise, my principal is not a fan of another (non-tenured) teacher in our department, so he is planning to ax her as well. Now we would need to fill two positions. We could hired sub-standard teachers to fill the positions for a year, but I would spend my time in their classrooms, trying to get them up to par. So back to the original point, it makes the most sense for me to just go back to the classroom. Half the problem is solved.
Now, back to the knife. In his haste to move me back into the classroom, he is considering the possibility of hiring a 6th grade MATH teacher (who is also the head football coach) to come to our building to become the LITERACY coach. Do you see the problem here? For my principal to basically say, Uh, no problem. We will just train him to be a literacy coach, it feels like the ultimate slap in the face. Like anyone, particularly someone with NO literacy experience, can just step in to tackle the reading and writing issues among students.
While I'm just fine with the concept of going back into the classroom and closing the door to do my thing, I can't help but grieve the fact that the last two years of my life have been a waste - that all my work is just going to dissolve into thin air. Of course that's being completely negative, but still.
I'm struggling. While I thought that what I was doing and the person whom I was had been an asset, the truth is I haven't been exceptional at all. Joke's on me. Likewise, the position is already posted, so now, the tongues are wagging in the building. Who's leaving and why? Ugh. Garbage. It just makes me sad, sick, and stressed at the same time.
All right, that's work. Now to address the issues that stare me in the face as soon as I get out of my car and into the house.
My daughter has this new boyfriend, whom she likes A LOT. Things have been going well for something like three months. He's not a believer, but I justified that as ok because a) I'll just keep praying for him, and b) he treats my daughter with respect.
Yeah, well.
About a week ago, my daughter decided to visit him (he recently bought a house and lives about an hour away). She and he as well as his friends were going to go to a movie. Then, casually, she slipped in the fact that the movie didn't start until 9 p.m. It's a three-hour movie, so she would be staying overnight.
Right next to the knife hole from my principal is a new one, courtesy of my daughter. Equally, if not more painful, than the first. I didn't cry or fall apart. I told that I recognized the fact that she is an adult and makes her own decisions. However, I also told her that I would be remiss as a parent if I didn't address the lapse in morality with regard to her decision. I thought maybe she would come to her senses and realize the error of her ways.
She didn't. She stayed overnight. My heart cracked.
Then, she did it again. This past weekend, she stayed over at his house (with other friends, supposedly) to help him with his house. My heart broke in two.
We had a discussion about it last night at the table. It was calm for a while. Basically, she sees no problem with what she is doing. No matter what I say, she is not changing her mind. I told her (without malice) that she needs to move out because her values and our values are no longer aligning, and we cannot condone her behavior.
And so we are now living in a sort of uneasy detente.
Every morning, I look forward to my quiet time with God. I look forward to it, but I'm not always disciplined about it. Even so, when I sit down and get into the zone with Him, I pray earnestly for all sorts of people, mostly students, but especially my family. I pray for my daughter to be transformed, to become a strong woman of God, and I pray for her husband, wherever he is, to grow in faith to be a strong and courageous man of God - that the two of them will love God first and each other next. That has been my prayer for a very long time. I also pray for my son, with whom I basically have had no relationship since he married. You see why life is such a bummer?
This morning, as I sat in the chair, I just bawled. You know, the chest-choking, snorty, I-can't-breathe bawling. All of my sorrow, disappointment, dashed hopes and expectations, and general sadness gushed out of my eyes and the gaping holes in my chest. I didn't have a single word to offer to God. Prayer feel so hollow in light of all that has happened. I know that God is a God of His own timeline, and that He answers prayers - just not in a way that we might expect. I KNOW all that, but still.
How did we get here? How, how, how has this all turned out so badly?? How, in the world, am I such a sucky failure of a parent??
Comparison is a devil. When I see friends who have such successful, Godly, loving children, I am jealous and sad at the same time. I honestly feel as though I put forth a solid effort. SOLID. I was ever-available to my kids. For Pete's sake, that's why I chose to become a teacher in the first place - so I would be able to work and be a mom. We put them in a private, Christian elementary school. We made sure they were in church on Sunday, youth group on Wednesday, camps in the summer, mission trips, etc. We took them places. We made sure that all of their basic needs were covered. We gave them experiences we were unable to have.
AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR ALL THAT?!
It's not fair. In fact, it's a friggin' rip-off. It's more than unfair. It's too much. And it stares me in the face every waking moment of every day. This is not a dream from which I get to wake up. This is my reality. Every minute of every day, I have to DEAL with it. Of all the things to fail at in life, why did I have to fail the only thing that really mattered?
Well, that's it. I'm spent. We're finally to my favorite part of the day, which is going to bed. For a few blessed hours, I will be allowed to escape. Yeah, I will wake up in the middle of the night and fret. That's just to be expected now. But just for a bit, I can get away and forget about it. All of it.
Like I said, life is stressful and depressing at the moment. Yeah, I'm continuing to pray and read my Bible. I haven't given up, but it's rough going.
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