I came to a realization today, and it wasn't very pleasant. It happened at the end of a day of training. We were supposed to reflect with a partner. In my case, the partner was my principal. We generally have a similar philosophy in life, so our conversation centered on school-related issues (shocker). Through the course of our conversation, I revealed my angst over leaving the coaching position for the classroom. I was baring my soul, which is what people like me do. By that, I'm referring to people who say exactly what they mean all the time. In considering what happened next, I feel like such an ass for doing that.
Anyway, at the end of our conversation, I knew that I was going back to the classroom next year. Period. There has been only one applicant for the posted opening. Granted, it closes on the 15th, but still. And according to my principal, the applicant is a poor one (apparently, he must know the person). Likewise, he received a text at the tail end of the reflective exercise. Apparently, it was from the husband (a Social Studies teacher) of the new Assistant Principal. He had applied for the FACS position. Paul made the comment that he can be a coach until someone retires or leaves in the Social department, and the guy can do a horizontal slide when that happens.
Although you couldn't see it by looking at me, I was experiencing an internal landslide. I don't even know why. I think it was a convergence of a number of factors:
1. Throughout the training, I realized that I could have done so much better as a coach, which made me want to go back and do it right this time. I couldn't bring my A game because I didn't even know what the game was.
2. Learning of the "maybe" plan reminded me of the old boys club that I often feel as though I have been fighting against throughout my teaching career. The supposed action of making a place for this guy just lit me up - one more example of it.
3. I feel like a failure (see number 1). I also feel as though I am being demoted, which is technically not true.
4. I feel powerless. My principal is perfectly within his bounds to re-assign me. I am not being treated unfairly or disrespectfully, and yet, I feel as though I am being dismissed.
Of course, I left, sat in my car in the city parking lot, and had myself a good, hard cry. I bawl to let off steam, which is what I did. After a few minutes, I was pulled together again.
Now, I am resigned. I know what will happen, and I am readjusting my thinking, preparing for what needs to happen next.
Even so, as I sit here in my chair and reflect on the day, I am digging in, trying to figure out why I am so bothered by all this. I did not fail, but I didn't accomplish what I wanted to either. I have a good heart, I have the expertise, and I have the emotional intelligence to do this job well. My persona is a problem, though. I think that people are scared of me. I am blunt. I have a scary face. Yeah, I'm just not quite cut out to be a coach. I KNOW ALL THIS, so what's my problem?
I think that all people have basic unifying desires. One of these desires is significance. We all have a set number of years on this earth, and after they're done, what will remain of us? That's a pretty hefty question. It's even more poignant for someone like me, whose kids are grown, who is pushing 50, and who is closer to the end vs. the beginning of her career. That whole child-rearing thing didn't work out for me so well. So that leaves my career. What sort of a permanent mark will I leave on history?
We all crave significance. Even the most abhorrent of misanthropes want to be noticed. We want to be seen, appreciated, and remembered. We need a sense of place, belonging and purpose. Why am I here, and will you remember me?
I think this is a part of my struggle right now. Coaching was a chance for significance, and I blew it, or at least, it's gone. Now, I'm going back to the classroom to finish out my teaching career. I have proven to everyone, including myself, that I am not significant, nor am I especially talented. I am utterly forgettable, and that's a bitter pill to swallow.
Another thing that I think all humans crave is physical touch, and I'm not talking about sex - although, that's one form of physical touch. I'm talking about the innocent way in which we connect with each other through touch. The reassurance of a palm as it passes lightly over a shoulder, the electricity between two people as fingers, hands, or feet connect, the confident steadiness of one as the other falters, a strong hug when it's needed. . .when physical touch is pure and innocent, it is one of the most powerful aspects of humanity. It is a connection that gives strength to the weak, hope to the hopeless, and life to the dying, whether body or soul.
Society has turned physical touch into something base and dirty, but the fact is it's one of the best things about being a human. Touch provides deep, inexplicable layers of compassion and love that no words could ever convey. We all crave it, and thrive in its presence, but sadly, we are sorely deprived of it.
Beauty is also something that all humans crave. It is where we find peace and joy. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. . .the rolling waves crashing into shore, the delicate fingernails of a newborn, the gleaming finish of a freshly-waxed car, a gangling foal running alongside its mother. If it's beautiful to you, it's beautiful. Humans are surrounded by the ugly facts of life every day. Natural disasters, deliberate meanness of one human to another, illness and death . . these suck our energy, leaving us devoid of hope and optimism. Beauty is the antidote, and we search it our everyday, several times a day in order to re-focus on what's important.
Lastly, humans crave challenge. The human mind spends its entire lifetime in trying to make order out of chaos. This explains the existence of school, the inspiration for innovations and inventions, the struggle in all our relationships. Problems need solutions, causes have effects, actions have motivations. We thrive on trying to untangle the myriad complexities of life. We may complain about these challenges, mostly when we are in the midst of them. It is exasperating and yet exhilarating to work the process. We never feel more alive than when all of our senses, knowledge and skills are working in perfect symbiosis. Balancing a checkbook to the penny, examining the finish on a complex woodworking or sewing project, or simply helping someone resolve a complicated personal issue is inexplicably satisfying.
So what do we do with all this? I don't really know. I think there is power in simply knowing and recognizing it.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
I'm tired, Lord.
This hasn't been a great week thus far, and it's only Tuesday. That's because last week has already spilled over into this one. Things are super-stressful at work and straight-up depressing at home.
Let's start with work. For the last two years, I have been trying to be an instructional coach. It's been fairly miserable. There have been bright spots - times when I help a teacher or student, and it feels as though all is right with the world. Most of the time, it's not fun at all. Lots of PD planning, lots of trying to drum up business among the teachers, lots of meetings. Let's face it. It's just not been my thing. I've tried. If I'm honest, I tried last year more than this. I was a lot more optimistic last year. This year, if I'm honest, I have been just getting through.
On the plus side, I have had more freedom. I have had my evening open and free to do what I want. I have been consulted - like really consulted - on many things. I have known and kept many secrets. I have really worked on my leadership skills. Even so, it's all pretty much been for naught. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere with my department.
Although it's been the works for a while, a colleague in my department told me last week that she is resigning to go work for another district. It's May. While happy for her, I secretly experienced mild panic. Where are we going to find a qualified candidate so late in the game? Naturally, I contacted my principal so we could talk it out.
Through the course of the conversation, he came to the conclusion that I will be going back to the classroom, and they will just hire another coach - that person will be easy to train. Oy. Did you feel the wind from the knife being sunk into my chest? If you did, imagine the pain I felt as it was going in. I'll tell you why in a minute.
Equally concerned as I that there may not be quality candidates to interview/hire, it makes the most sense for me to go back to the classroom. Likewise, my principal is not a fan of another (non-tenured) teacher in our department, so he is planning to ax her as well. Now we would need to fill two positions. We could hired sub-standard teachers to fill the positions for a year, but I would spend my time in their classrooms, trying to get them up to par. So back to the original point, it makes the most sense for me to just go back to the classroom. Half the problem is solved.
Now, back to the knife. In his haste to move me back into the classroom, he is considering the possibility of hiring a 6th grade MATH teacher (who is also the head football coach) to come to our building to become the LITERACY coach. Do you see the problem here? For my principal to basically say, Uh, no problem. We will just train him to be a literacy coach, it feels like the ultimate slap in the face. Like anyone, particularly someone with NO literacy experience, can just step in to tackle the reading and writing issues among students.
While I'm just fine with the concept of going back into the classroom and closing the door to do my thing, I can't help but grieve the fact that the last two years of my life have been a waste - that all my work is just going to dissolve into thin air. Of course that's being completely negative, but still.
I'm struggling. While I thought that what I was doing and the person whom I was had been an asset, the truth is I haven't been exceptional at all. Joke's on me. Likewise, the position is already posted, so now, the tongues are wagging in the building. Who's leaving and why? Ugh. Garbage. It just makes me sad, sick, and stressed at the same time.
All right, that's work. Now to address the issues that stare me in the face as soon as I get out of my car and into the house.
My daughter has this new boyfriend, whom she likes A LOT. Things have been going well for something like three months. He's not a believer, but I justified that as ok because a) I'll just keep praying for him, and b) he treats my daughter with respect.
Yeah, well.
About a week ago, my daughter decided to visit him (he recently bought a house and lives about an hour away). She and he as well as his friends were going to go to a movie. Then, casually, she slipped in the fact that the movie didn't start until 9 p.m. It's a three-hour movie, so she would be staying overnight.
Right next to the knife hole from my principal is a new one, courtesy of my daughter. Equally, if not more painful, than the first. I didn't cry or fall apart. I told that I recognized the fact that she is an adult and makes her own decisions. However, I also told her that I would be remiss as a parent if I didn't address the lapse in morality with regard to her decision. I thought maybe she would come to her senses and realize the error of her ways.
She didn't. She stayed overnight. My heart cracked.
Then, she did it again. This past weekend, she stayed over at his house (with other friends, supposedly) to help him with his house. My heart broke in two.
We had a discussion about it last night at the table. It was calm for a while. Basically, she sees no problem with what she is doing. No matter what I say, she is not changing her mind. I told her (without malice) that she needs to move out because her values and our values are no longer aligning, and we cannot condone her behavior.
And so we are now living in a sort of uneasy detente.
Every morning, I look forward to my quiet time with God. I look forward to it, but I'm not always disciplined about it. Even so, when I sit down and get into the zone with Him, I pray earnestly for all sorts of people, mostly students, but especially my family. I pray for my daughter to be transformed, to become a strong woman of God, and I pray for her husband, wherever he is, to grow in faith to be a strong and courageous man of God - that the two of them will love God first and each other next. That has been my prayer for a very long time. I also pray for my son, with whom I basically have had no relationship since he married. You see why life is such a bummer?
This morning, as I sat in the chair, I just bawled. You know, the chest-choking, snorty, I-can't-breathe bawling. All of my sorrow, disappointment, dashed hopes and expectations, and general sadness gushed out of my eyes and the gaping holes in my chest. I didn't have a single word to offer to God. Prayer feel so hollow in light of all that has happened. I know that God is a God of His own timeline, and that He answers prayers - just not in a way that we might expect. I KNOW all that, but still.
How did we get here? How, how, how has this all turned out so badly?? How, in the world, am I such a sucky failure of a parent??
Comparison is a devil. When I see friends who have such successful, Godly, loving children, I am jealous and sad at the same time. I honestly feel as though I put forth a solid effort. SOLID. I was ever-available to my kids. For Pete's sake, that's why I chose to become a teacher in the first place - so I would be able to work and be a mom. We put them in a private, Christian elementary school. We made sure they were in church on Sunday, youth group on Wednesday, camps in the summer, mission trips, etc. We took them places. We made sure that all of their basic needs were covered. We gave them experiences we were unable to have.
AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR ALL THAT?!
It's not fair. In fact, it's a friggin' rip-off. It's more than unfair. It's too much. And it stares me in the face every waking moment of every day. This is not a dream from which I get to wake up. This is my reality. Every minute of every day, I have to DEAL with it. Of all the things to fail at in life, why did I have to fail the only thing that really mattered?
Well, that's it. I'm spent. We're finally to my favorite part of the day, which is going to bed. For a few blessed hours, I will be allowed to escape. Yeah, I will wake up in the middle of the night and fret. That's just to be expected now. But just for a bit, I can get away and forget about it. All of it.
Like I said, life is stressful and depressing at the moment. Yeah, I'm continuing to pray and read my Bible. I haven't given up, but it's rough going.
Let's start with work. For the last two years, I have been trying to be an instructional coach. It's been fairly miserable. There have been bright spots - times when I help a teacher or student, and it feels as though all is right with the world. Most of the time, it's not fun at all. Lots of PD planning, lots of trying to drum up business among the teachers, lots of meetings. Let's face it. It's just not been my thing. I've tried. If I'm honest, I tried last year more than this. I was a lot more optimistic last year. This year, if I'm honest, I have been just getting through.
On the plus side, I have had more freedom. I have had my evening open and free to do what I want. I have been consulted - like really consulted - on many things. I have known and kept many secrets. I have really worked on my leadership skills. Even so, it's all pretty much been for naught. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere with my department.
Although it's been the works for a while, a colleague in my department told me last week that she is resigning to go work for another district. It's May. While happy for her, I secretly experienced mild panic. Where are we going to find a qualified candidate so late in the game? Naturally, I contacted my principal so we could talk it out.
Through the course of the conversation, he came to the conclusion that I will be going back to the classroom, and they will just hire another coach - that person will be easy to train. Oy. Did you feel the wind from the knife being sunk into my chest? If you did, imagine the pain I felt as it was going in. I'll tell you why in a minute.
Equally concerned as I that there may not be quality candidates to interview/hire, it makes the most sense for me to go back to the classroom. Likewise, my principal is not a fan of another (non-tenured) teacher in our department, so he is planning to ax her as well. Now we would need to fill two positions. We could hired sub-standard teachers to fill the positions for a year, but I would spend my time in their classrooms, trying to get them up to par. So back to the original point, it makes the most sense for me to just go back to the classroom. Half the problem is solved.
Now, back to the knife. In his haste to move me back into the classroom, he is considering the possibility of hiring a 6th grade MATH teacher (who is also the head football coach) to come to our building to become the LITERACY coach. Do you see the problem here? For my principal to basically say, Uh, no problem. We will just train him to be a literacy coach, it feels like the ultimate slap in the face. Like anyone, particularly someone with NO literacy experience, can just step in to tackle the reading and writing issues among students.
While I'm just fine with the concept of going back into the classroom and closing the door to do my thing, I can't help but grieve the fact that the last two years of my life have been a waste - that all my work is just going to dissolve into thin air. Of course that's being completely negative, but still.
I'm struggling. While I thought that what I was doing and the person whom I was had been an asset, the truth is I haven't been exceptional at all. Joke's on me. Likewise, the position is already posted, so now, the tongues are wagging in the building. Who's leaving and why? Ugh. Garbage. It just makes me sad, sick, and stressed at the same time.
All right, that's work. Now to address the issues that stare me in the face as soon as I get out of my car and into the house.
My daughter has this new boyfriend, whom she likes A LOT. Things have been going well for something like three months. He's not a believer, but I justified that as ok because a) I'll just keep praying for him, and b) he treats my daughter with respect.
Yeah, well.
About a week ago, my daughter decided to visit him (he recently bought a house and lives about an hour away). She and he as well as his friends were going to go to a movie. Then, casually, she slipped in the fact that the movie didn't start until 9 p.m. It's a three-hour movie, so she would be staying overnight.
Right next to the knife hole from my principal is a new one, courtesy of my daughter. Equally, if not more painful, than the first. I didn't cry or fall apart. I told that I recognized the fact that she is an adult and makes her own decisions. However, I also told her that I would be remiss as a parent if I didn't address the lapse in morality with regard to her decision. I thought maybe she would come to her senses and realize the error of her ways.
She didn't. She stayed overnight. My heart cracked.
Then, she did it again. This past weekend, she stayed over at his house (with other friends, supposedly) to help him with his house. My heart broke in two.
We had a discussion about it last night at the table. It was calm for a while. Basically, she sees no problem with what she is doing. No matter what I say, she is not changing her mind. I told her (without malice) that she needs to move out because her values and our values are no longer aligning, and we cannot condone her behavior.
And so we are now living in a sort of uneasy detente.
Every morning, I look forward to my quiet time with God. I look forward to it, but I'm not always disciplined about it. Even so, when I sit down and get into the zone with Him, I pray earnestly for all sorts of people, mostly students, but especially my family. I pray for my daughter to be transformed, to become a strong woman of God, and I pray for her husband, wherever he is, to grow in faith to be a strong and courageous man of God - that the two of them will love God first and each other next. That has been my prayer for a very long time. I also pray for my son, with whom I basically have had no relationship since he married. You see why life is such a bummer?
This morning, as I sat in the chair, I just bawled. You know, the chest-choking, snorty, I-can't-breathe bawling. All of my sorrow, disappointment, dashed hopes and expectations, and general sadness gushed out of my eyes and the gaping holes in my chest. I didn't have a single word to offer to God. Prayer feel so hollow in light of all that has happened. I know that God is a God of His own timeline, and that He answers prayers - just not in a way that we might expect. I KNOW all that, but still.
How did we get here? How, how, how has this all turned out so badly?? How, in the world, am I such a sucky failure of a parent??
Comparison is a devil. When I see friends who have such successful, Godly, loving children, I am jealous and sad at the same time. I honestly feel as though I put forth a solid effort. SOLID. I was ever-available to my kids. For Pete's sake, that's why I chose to become a teacher in the first place - so I would be able to work and be a mom. We put them in a private, Christian elementary school. We made sure they were in church on Sunday, youth group on Wednesday, camps in the summer, mission trips, etc. We took them places. We made sure that all of their basic needs were covered. We gave them experiences we were unable to have.
AND THIS IS MY REWARD FOR ALL THAT?!
It's not fair. In fact, it's a friggin' rip-off. It's more than unfair. It's too much. And it stares me in the face every waking moment of every day. This is not a dream from which I get to wake up. This is my reality. Every minute of every day, I have to DEAL with it. Of all the things to fail at in life, why did I have to fail the only thing that really mattered?
Well, that's it. I'm spent. We're finally to my favorite part of the day, which is going to bed. For a few blessed hours, I will be allowed to escape. Yeah, I will wake up in the middle of the night and fret. That's just to be expected now. But just for a bit, I can get away and forget about it. All of it.
Like I said, life is stressful and depressing at the moment. Yeah, I'm continuing to pray and read my Bible. I haven't given up, but it's rough going.
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