Parental Reflections

I am the queen of the pro-con list.  So before, I list all the things we should have done differently, I am listing the things that I think we did well.  

*Disclaimer: The content of this regards the parental decisions that Mike and I made. This is not a commentary on our kids. The beauty of it all is that God has a plan for all our lives, and life (and people) always turn out exactly the way He knew it would.  There are so no surprises with God.  

Parenting decisions that Mike and I did right (or, at least, are figuring out)

1. We pray for our kids, their futures, and their future spouses, and have since they were born.  “You people who remind the Lord of your needs in prayer should never be quiet.  You should not stop praying to Him. Take no rest, all you who pray.  Give the Lord no rest. . .Remind Him of His promises, and never let Him forget them.”  Isaiah 62:6-7

2. We showed up.  We attended concerts, sporting events, and activities. Even if they didn’t acknowledge us, the kids knew we were there.

3. We took them to church and made sure church and church activities were a priority. If they wanted to attend an activity, event, camp, or trip, we somehow scraped together the $ to make it happen.  I don’t regret a single dollar. 

4. We were/are reliable.  If they need us, we make it happen somehow.

5. We made them write thank-you notes. 

 

6. We didn’t pay their college tuition. It was their education, their dime, and their responsibility.  We paid for books, car insurance, phone and basic necessities while they were in college.  The deal was if they quit school, it was considered an adult choice with adult consequences, which meant/means the freebies (quoted above) come to an end. 

7. We listen. We suggest or opine when asked.  The key (and this has been an acquired habit, especially with the youngest child) is not to spaz.  Too strong of a reaction, and that’s it; the cord of communication is cut. I feel confident in saying that, for the most part, our kids consider it safe to tell us anything, good or bad.  One of the best things my mom ever said to me when I was in a pickle was “you’re smart; you’ll figure it out.”  Now, I say the same thing.  I also use the phrases, “Why not?” and “What are the pros and cons?”

8.  We respect boundaries.  This one was hard to learn and practice.  When Nick first moved out, I was apparently texting and calling too much.  He told me in as nice a way possible to back off and wait for him to call.  It hurt my feelings at first, but I totally get it. He was cutting the cord so that he could find his way.  Now, I leave them both alone and wait for them to initiate. Sometimes, it’s lonely, but I get that it is necessary in the bigger scheme of things.

9.  We were a united front in decision-making.  Although there have been a few times when I didn’t agree with my husband (and vice versa), I didn’t contradict him in front of the kids, nor did he contradict me.  As far as I know, we never let the kids play us against one another. 

10. We love each other (and them). Hopefully, we have provided a good model of marriage and relationships for them.

Now, it’s time for the harder part. . .

Things I wish we had done (through age 18…many of these dovetail together)…and when I say, “we,” I mostly mean me

1. We should have made them do chores and help with household/ family functioning.  Since they were always so busy (or didn’t meet my perfectionistic standards), we didn’t make them do chores or cook or do laundry or help with home improvement projects.  In retrospect, this was a bad idea since being in a family means working and pulling together. 

2.  We should have required mandatory attendance at family or sibling events.  We gave them a choice, which, in retrospect, I would have changed.  (See #1). It’s important for siblings to support each other.  Long after we are gone, they will only have each other. 

3. We should have been the boss of the family schedule more.  Since they were members of the family, the kids’ input and preferences were important. However, I wish I would have guarded our family time more, even with church activities. 

4. We should have made them experience natural consequences (schoolwork, missing deadlines, etc.) all the time.  This one is huge.  I am ashamed to admit that I intervened far too often.  As moms, we want to smooth the rough spots.  That’s not all bad, but it’s not realistic either. We all learn from our mistakes because we don’t like the consequences.  Don’t handicap your kids from experiencing that valuable lesson.

5. We should have made them buy more “wants.”  Of course, we paid for necessities (jeans, shoes, coats, sport equipment and fees, etc.).  However, we should have made them pay for non-necessities such as extra sports clothing, tuxes/dresses, etc.  This would have been a great opportunity for lessons in finance, delayed gratification, and responsibility. Some friends of ours did the “halvsies” approach with their kids – they paid half and the kids paid half for everything.  Kids learn to respect how much stuff costs, and they are more apt to take care of stuff if they are spending their own hard-earned $.

6. We should have stayed firm rather than caved into parental peer pressure, particularly in regard to the cell phone.  Keep kids off the stupid thing as long as possible.  The blasted nuisance just adds unnecessary layers of trouble, drama, and expense. Just because other parents are caving in, it doesn’t mean you have to. It will be hard, but if something does not fit your family value system, stay firm.

7. We should have backed off.  This is similar to #3 but different.  I admit I was helicopter-y.  Recently, Nick and I have discussed this very issue. I did way too much for both of them.  Make your kids complete the paperwork, make the phone calls, and do the footwork.  That’s all a part of growing up.

8. We should have let them struggle.  No one likes to watch stressed or struggling kids, but that’s how they learn to advocate for themselves.  If they don’t like a situation, then they need to figure out a way to change it.  A wise friend once told me that when kids struggle, after it is all said and done, “a parent needs to be a soft place to land.” 

9.  We should have let them problem-solve on their own.  This is similar to #7.  Road blocks are opportunities to find another way.  Since I am a natural problem-solver, I nipped their struggles in the bud because I thought I was helping them.  Problem-solving requires creativity, common sense, and innovation, all three of which are desirable qualities.

10. We should have had more of a life outside parenting.  For me, in particular, I based my self-concept on being a mom, which is why the empty-nest stage had been a struggle for me.  Being a mom or dad is a huge part of who one is, but it’s not the only thing.