I am the queen of the pro-con list. So before, I list all the things we should have
done differently, I am listing the things that I think we did well.
*Disclaimer: The
content of this regards the parental decisions that Mike and I made. This is
not a commentary on our kids. The beauty of it all is that God has a plan for
all our lives, and life (and people) always turn out exactly the way He knew it
would. There are so no surprises with
God.
Parenting decisions that Mike and I did right (or, at
least, are figuring out)
1. We pray for our kids, their futures, and their future
spouses, and have since they were born. “You
people who remind the Lord of your needs in prayer should never be quiet. You should not stop praying to Him. Take no
rest, all you who pray. Give the Lord no
rest. . .Remind Him of His promises, and never let Him forget them.” Isaiah 62:6-7
2. We showed up. We
attended concerts, sporting events, and activities. Even if they didn’t
acknowledge us, the kids knew we were there.
3. We took them to church and made sure church and church
activities were a priority. If they wanted to attend an activity, event, camp,
or trip, we somehow scraped together the $ to make it happen. I don’t regret a single dollar.
4. We were/are reliable.
If they need us, we make it happen somehow.
5. We made them write thank-you notes.
6. We didn’t pay their college tuition. It was their education,
their dime, and their responsibility. We
paid for books, car insurance, phone and basic necessities while they were in
college. The deal was if they quit
school, it was considered an adult choice with adult consequences, which
meant/means the freebies (quoted above) come to an end.
7. We listen. We suggest or opine when asked. The key (and this has been an acquired habit,
especially with the youngest child) is not to spaz. Too strong of a reaction, and that’s it; the
cord of communication is cut. I feel confident in saying that, for the most
part, our kids consider it safe to tell us anything, good or bad. One of the best things my mom ever said to me
when I was in a pickle was “you’re smart; you’ll figure it out.” Now, I say the same thing. I also use the phrases, “Why not?” and “What
are the pros and cons?”
8. We respect
boundaries. This one was hard to learn
and practice. When Nick first moved out,
I was apparently texting and calling too much.
He told me in as nice a way possible to back off and wait for him to call. It hurt my feelings at first, but I totally
get it. He was cutting the cord so that he could find his way. Now, I leave them both alone and wait for
them to initiate. Sometimes, it’s lonely, but I get that it is necessary in the
bigger scheme of things.
9. We were a united
front in decision-making. Although there
have been a few times when I didn’t agree with my husband (and vice versa), I
didn’t contradict him in front of the kids, nor did he contradict me. As far as I know, we never let the kids play
us against one another.
10. We love each other (and them). Hopefully, we have
provided a good model of marriage and relationships for them.
Now, it’s time for the harder part. . .
Things I wish we had done (through age 18…many of these
dovetail together)…and when I say, “we,” I mostly mean me
1. We should have made them do chores and help with
household/ family functioning. Since
they were always so busy (or didn’t meet my perfectionistic standards), we
didn’t make them do chores or cook or do laundry or help with home improvement projects. In retrospect, this was a bad idea since being
in a family means working and pulling together.
2. We should have required
mandatory attendance at family or sibling events. We gave them a choice, which, in retrospect,
I would have changed. (See #1). It’s
important for siblings to support each other.
Long after we are gone, they will only have each other.
3. We should have been the boss of the family schedule
more. Since they were members of the
family, the kids’ input and preferences were important. However, I wish I would
have guarded our family time more, even with church activities.
4. We should have made them experience natural consequences
(schoolwork, missing deadlines, etc.) all the time. This one is huge. I am ashamed to admit that I intervened far
too often. As moms, we want to smooth
the rough spots. That’s not all bad, but
it’s not realistic either. We all learn from our mistakes because we don’t like
the consequences. Don’t handicap your kids
from experiencing that valuable lesson.
5. We should have made them buy more “wants.” Of course, we paid for necessities (jeans,
shoes, coats, sport equipment and fees, etc.).
However, we should have made them pay for non-necessities such as extra
sports clothing, tuxes/dresses, etc.
This would have been a great opportunity for lessons in finance, delayed
gratification, and responsibility. Some friends of ours did the “halvsies”
approach with their kids – they paid half and the kids paid half for
everything. Kids learn to respect how
much stuff costs, and they are more apt to take care of stuff if they are
spending their own hard-earned $.
6. We should have stayed firm rather than caved into
parental peer pressure, particularly in regard to the cell phone. Keep kids off the stupid thing as long as
possible. The blasted nuisance just adds
unnecessary layers of trouble, drama, and expense. Just because other parents
are caving in, it doesn’t mean you have to. It will be hard, but if something
does not fit your family value system, stay firm.
7. We should have backed off. This is similar to #3 but different. I admit I was helicopter-y. Recently, Nick and I have discussed this very
issue. I did way too much for both of them.
Make your kids complete the paperwork, make the phone calls, and do the
footwork. That’s all a part of growing
up.
8. We should have let them struggle. No one likes to watch stressed or struggling
kids, but that’s how they learn to advocate for themselves. If they don’t like a situation, then they
need to figure out a way to change it. A
wise friend once told me that when kids struggle, after it is all said and
done, “a parent needs to be a soft place to land.”
9. We should have let
them problem-solve on their own. This is
similar to #7. Road blocks are
opportunities to find another way. Since
I am a natural problem-solver, I nipped their struggles in the bud because I
thought I was helping them.
Problem-solving requires creativity, common sense, and innovation, all
three of which are desirable qualities.
10. We should have had more of a life outside
parenting. For me, in particular, I
based my self-concept on being a mom, which is why the empty-nest stage had
been a struggle for me. Being a mom or
dad is a huge part of who one is, but it’s not the only thing.
