Monday, August 19, 2013

The Dell From Hell Farce: Either You Laugh or You Cry. I Prefer to Laugh.


Sometimes, the stuff that happens in life is so stupid that you either have to laugh or cry.   Here is the tale of the Dell from hell.

Right before the band and choir trip to New York in March, I spotted a Dell laptop that was reasonably priced in the Best Buy ad, and we decided to buy it.* Mike had recently begun nurturing a relationship with Craigslist and wanted to a laptop so that he could browse while watching TV in the evening. I, on the other hand, had visions of using this laptop to write the G.A.N.** And so, we bought it on March 17 and shoved the box under the bed for safe keeping until we returned from the trip.

Fast forward to April 18. Good thing that we weren't depending on the G.A.N. to pay the bills because that's the day I lost everything I had written thus far. That's the day that the hard drive crashed when Mike was browsing Craigslist.*** On April 24, some dude from St. Cloud made a house call and replaced the hard drive. Mike resumed browsing and then. . .

Today, I went to check the date of expiration for the anti-virus protection on the laptop. . .and the dang thing would not turn on. SERIOUSLY? If you are like me, you would probably prefer a colonoscopy to having to hang on the phone with a customer service specialist. I usually get re-directed at least twice, hung-up on **** once, and end up concentrating on a piece of lint in front of me in order to FOCUS on probable meaning because the customer service agent's heavy foreign accent is throwing me off.

After completing any necessary evening chores*****, I gathered up my receipts, service tags, and a cold beverage, and settled in for what promised to be a headache-inducing conversation with an immigrant (sorry, but true) whom I would probably not understand.

Sure enough, after a couple of false starts ******, Sari (sorry?) started the process. Apparently, he didn't believe that a hard drive could have crashed again, so he had me performing all sorts of computer-related contortions. . .unplug, restart, take out the battery, repeat. Then, I had to find an HDMI cord and check the monitor. Then, I had to find a Phillips screwdriver and remove the screws on the back (top or bottom? What is the top, and what is the bottom?), take out the memory stick (what the heck is a memory stick?), put it in slot blah-blah, then slot la-la, repeat. Who knew that a customer service call would turn into an obstacle course? I was practically breaking a sweat.

As I was trying to keep pace with Sari, it was at this point that my son decided it was time to make himself supper. ******* I believe I touched brain tissue tonight as I stuffed my index finger as far as I could into my ear canal in order to avoid the sound of clanging pots and pans. ********

Then, as I was wielding a screwdriver and focusing on Sari's instructions, Nick wanted to play food charades. . .and tell me that the dessert I had made earlier was (thumbs up) a keeper. Thanks?

Finally, after an hour (for real) of quality time with Sari in trying to complete the Computer Repair 101 course that he had provided, Sari concluded that the motherboard, internal . . . ., ,<insert long list of convoluted computerese> needed to be replaced. They would be sending me a box into which I will deposit my faulty piece of Dell metal, and in 7-10 days, "I promise you, ma'am, that you will never have to call for service again."

Riiiiigggghhhht.

After recording the dispatch number, the case number, etc, etc, etc, Sari explained that he had relayed my issue to his supervisor who wanted to "personally reassure" me that the problem would be taken care of.

Fine. It had already been an hour. What was another two minutes?

So, Sari-er (sorrier?) got on the line and basically repeated the same schpeel as Sari and ended by saying, "I promise you, ma'am, that you will never have to call for service again." Ok, that was creepy. Maybe Borgs really do exist?

After hanging up, I wandered into the office to give Mike an update. As he was scrolling through page after page of motorcycles on Craigslist, I explained that the motherboard and other stuff needed replacing. When I finished, he must have sensed that it was his social responsibility to respond, so without looking from the screen, he said, "What happened to the guy's mother?"

Honestly, I can't even begin to make this stuff up.

*Why a Dell, you may ask? Well, I had really wanted a Mac, but I have kids. Either I feed them, or I get a really expensive laptop.

**Great American Novel

*** A sign from God? I think so.

**** "disconnected" in custservspeak

***** I knew I was in it for the long haul.

****** including a snarky exchange with technical support vs. customer service. . .Excyuuuusssse me.

******* I had made chicken pot pie earlier, but apparently, he was hungrier for finer cuisine, like, oh say, macaroni and cheese.

******** This could have been a passive-aggressive endeavor as Nick had previously told me that I should hang the pots and pans since they are so friggin' noisy when you are trying to extract them from the cupboard. Point taken, but now, is not the best time to prove your point.

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