Disclaimer: This one was hard but important to write. Likewise, this is not being written with malice or anger. This is for me, but if you get something out of it, then the time to read it was worth it.
My kids are nothing alike. If you know me well, you know how true this statement is. I have a son who is definitely introverted, who needs his space in order to re-charge his batteries, and who prefers to blend into the background. You would be hard-pressed to find a harder worker; he enjoys physical labor and projects with a definite, visible end. Likewise, he has a distinct moral code; he sees things in black and white, never gray, and church and church-related activities are pretty important to him. He is extremely stubborn.
My daughter, on the other hand, is the exact opposite (with the exception of the stubbornness). She is loud and openly admits that she wants/likes to be the center of attention. Work is not high on her list of priorities; she works just enough to keep the exact dollar amount in her checking account that she finds acceptable, and she loves to shop. While she, too, has a definite moral code, believes in God and is a Christian, she does not share her brother's enthusiasm for church and church-related activities, at all. Where Nick rarely missed a youth activity, we have to make Erika go.
For a long time, it was hard for me to face that reality. It was embarrassing, and it felt like a pail of cold water over my head - it took my breath away. For a long time, I was really ticked off about it, and I'll admit that I took out some of that anger on God. I asked Him, What did I/we do wrong? We brought her up in the church, we sent her to a private Christian school, we sent her to Bible camp every year. . .what the heck? Very recently, however, I have been changing my tune. . .actually, my perspective.
Of the two kids, Erika has been definitely more of a challenge to raise. First, she is a girl. I realize that sounds sexist, but since I am one, I think that I can safely use that as a qualifier. While guys are definitely moody, girls are moodier, and the mood swings can be swift and epic. Then, she is infinitely stubborn. . and feels the need to have the last word. She will filibuster, and she can create the most air-tight argument for any issue. . .and she won't back down. And nothing gets her more angry than when she is compared, or even perceives that she is being compared to her brother.
Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps you have a strong-willed child also. If you do, celebrate.
Yeah, you heard me right. Celebrate because you have a strong-willed child. I guess I won the lottery because I have two. Let me explain.
In the world of adults, we prize quiet, obedient, respectful children. Compliance is desired, and we reward rule followers who are organized and plan ahead. I know because I work in a profession for which this maxim is true. Inquisitive, loud, intractable kids give us a headache. They're wild and unpredictable. . .and yet, they are exactly the kinds of Christians that we need in this world. They are Kingdom movers and shakers. They are the brave, the innovators, the perpetuators of the faith.
If you are skeptical, consider some Biblical examples. First, there's Noah. It had never rained a drop, and yet based on a directive from God, this lunatic decided to build a boat because there supposedly was a flood coming (whatever that was). In spite of being heckled, he remained persistent and focused and was rewarded for his obedience. Next, there's my favorite Biblical dude, David. Here was a little twerp with only a sling and five stones who decided to take on a giant. What arrogance! What stupidity! Actually, what unbelievable faith. . .look who ended up winning. Then, there is the #1 crazy in the Bible, John the Baptist. His mouthiness and tell-it-like-it-is lippiness led him straight into hot water over and over again.
So, are we supposed to let these kids run wild?
Of course, the answer to that question is no. Since we were put on this earth for God's glory, being disrespectful, selfish, rude, etc, does not reflect that purpose, and it's our job as adults to keep pointing that out. Strong-willed traits such as stubbornness and mouthiness are God-given, and when used for His purposes and His kingdom, they are desirable. Do we want the characteristics to be harnessed? I don't think that's the right word. We definitely want all that energy to be channeled in the right direction, and if we are talking about a true, strong-willed child, it has to seem like his/her idea.
One of Erika's favorite questions is "Why?" especially when it comes to church. For example, as we were grocery-shopping one day, Erika randomly asked, "What's the big deal about swear words? Why can't we say them? After all, they're just words. Why is one word worse than another?" At first, she caught me off-guard, and my first impulse was to go into defensive mode, but then, I conceded that it was a good question. The point of the example is to show that blind obedience isn't the way Erika rolls. She wants a solid, sensible answer, and if she senses waffling or worse, arrogance ("because I said so" mentality), she puts her armor on; it will be a fight to the finish. As you can guess, this does not win her any popularity contests with adults, both at home and elsewhere. She can be perceived as insolent, sacrilegious, and irritating, which she no doubt can be.
Even in spite of the constant aggravation and frustration, I know that there will be a happy ending to her story. I know it. God has promised it. He has said that if we ask anything in His name, and it is in accordance with His will, and it is for His glory, He will honor that prayer. Since God and I discuss her everyday, I know that God has a plan for that argumentative wild child. In His time, He will use all those characteristics that drive me and everyone crazy for His purpose, and it's going to be awesome.
So what does all this blah-blah have to do with you and me?
Here's the deal. Every time you or I compare siblings and hold one to another's standard, we are interrupting God's process. I try to keep that in mind in my own job and purposefully work hard not to compare siblings in the classroom. If I have done that to you, call me out on it so that I work harder to not do that in the future.
Every time you or I belittle or embarrass a kid, especially in front of their peers, we are interrupting God's process. If we, as adults, see a behavior that does not glorify God, we need to address it privately and be prepared to explain why (perhaps up to five or more times). Rather than act peevish, sullen, angry, and impatient, we need to model desirable behaviors. In case you have forgotten what they are, here is the list: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (uh, yeah, I have a little work to do. . .)
And discuss the tough questions. Those questions strengthen not only your faith but theirs.
Most importantly, treat every kid you see - both in church and out - as you would anyunbeliever: welcome him, accept her, love him, and believe that she will change the world because for good or for ill, she will.
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