New Every Morning

 My favorite aisles in Walmart are the office supply aisles.  I love notebooks.  I love pens. I love mechanical pencils.  I love to run my fingers over them and crack them open to examine the pages.  I am very very finicky about the "tools" I put in my tool belts (backpack and pencil case, or nerd pack, as I like to call it.)

This morning, this verse was brought to my attention: "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" Lamentations 3:22.

Every day, in addition to praying over the concerns of others, I pray things for myself as well - things like a changed heart (make my mouth, heart, and actions like yours), a change in circumstances (aligned to His Will), and freedom (from sin, sadness, anxiety, guilt, fear, etc - I can generate quite a lengthy list with this one). 

In prayer this morning, I realized that each day is a blank sheet - like opening the cover of a brand-new notebook and staring at a crisp, pristine page.  For some, that can elicit dread.  For me, it conjures the excitement of the journey ahead.  What will be written there? 

If I ask Him, God wipes away ALL of the previous day's sins, shortcomings, and foibles.  Not just throws away, but wipes it clean.  To Him, I AM a blank sheet in a new notebook, and not just in the morning - whenever I ask! To Him, I am a blank sheet on which He can write his masterpiece.  And like me, I like to think that blank sheet gets Him excited for the journey ahead.  In my mind's eye, I see a smile on His face and a twinkle in His eye as He grabs His favorite writing utensil. 

It is ME who persistently drags yesterday's mess - the giant smudges things I tried and failed to do, the black ink spills of fear and anxiety, the cross-outs of stupid things I said or did - to the brand-new page.  Not Him.  

If I reframe my thinking and look at each new day the way HE does, I don't carry any of it over. . .because it doesn't exist anymore.  Yesterday is gone.  That was then, and this is now. 

As a result, I am free to see the page the way He does, and I get to create content right along with Him - Letter-by-letter, word-by-word, sentence-by-sentence. In short, I compose the content He creates and the story He wills to be written. In order to do that, I have to be focused and disciplined to be attentive to the next cue and prompt from Him, and together, we create the masterpiece He wants my life to be. 

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" Lamentations 3:22.

Murmuration

 Before you read anything, you need to two things:  Watch and listen (in that order).

1. Watch this short video. 

2. Now listen to this.

Quite randomly (ah, we all know that is never the case), I was listening to a TED Talk podcast. Periodically, they do a series called "Mind Body Spirit," and the segments are always provocative.  On this particular podcast, the poet you just listened to, Sarah Kay, recited her poem: "A Bird Made of Birds." At first, I listened halfheartedly because poetry isn't really my jam, but the more I listened, the more invested I became.  

The gist of her message - her epiphany - is this:  We humans create nothing new.  We shine a spotlight on supernaturally-inspired Divine truths.  "The Universe [God, to believers] has already written the poem you want to write." 

That one statement took my breath away. That one statement lifted a heavy load that I have carried most of my adult life right off my shoulders.

To explain, my life has been a quest, often desperate and emotional, to A) figure out why I am here, and B) figure out the legacy I'm supposed to leave.  

For the former, I can answer that with spiritual resolve.  In other words, my spiritual education has prepared me to answer that question on a cerebral level: I am here to glorify God with my entire being - thoughts, words, and actions. It's the latter that has been hissing more insistently in my ears throughout most of my adult life.  What is my legacy? How will I be remembered? What will be the proof that I existed at all? 

Those statements - "we create nothing new" and "The Universe [God] has already written the poem you want to write" - have finally provided the answer to the question.  My existence is to shine a light on Divine truths.  

For me specifically, God has created me to be an observer, a fact that has been helped/shared by the cumulative effect of my life's experiences and journey. At Divinely-inspired moments, the Holy Spirit moves me to "see" or understand things.

Likewise, I believe that God has created me to be a communicator. As others use tools to craft furniture or delicious dishes, I use words to craft messages that others may also feel and think. "But to what end?" I often challenge myself.  "What's the point? What am I supposed to DO with them [thoughts and messages]?" 

And now, the answer seems clearer: This is my legacy. This is how and why I mark time at this point and time in history.  My legacy is my obedience to God - my willingness to channel what He has given me/allowed me to see/understand to A) continue these important truths, making sure they continue, and to B) help and encourage others who are traveling life's highway at the same time as I. 

Equally liberating and profound is that NONE of these message are new.  These are the same truths that have been woven through history.  The Bible and the stories in it are individual threads of the same story that I - that YOU - continue so that the message is delivered anew to each generation.

Like I said, for me, this takes the pressure off the desperation of leaving a mark in history, and it helps to make sense of all the seemingly-senseless pain and seemingly-senseless difficulties that I have had to endure in this life.  Pain/challenge serves a purpose - I have been told that forever, but I really didn't fully understand how. 

If this is true for me, it's true for others as well.  Our pain/difficulties/challenges/epiphanies shine a light on ancient, Divine truths.  These are the vessels through which those messages - those truths - are sent.  

In the eye of the storm, we have a decision to make: To surrender and rest in Him, or to fight and become discouraged, bitter, or lost.  This is the first layer in bringing glory to God.  

The second is to reflect on the experience to extract the Divine truth that needs to be delivered - here and now - from YOU.

Equally important is framing and filtering each moment through that lens.  We don't need to actively seek it.  We just need to be open to it, to receive it, to surrender, move through it - and then share it.  Only you, only I - at this time and in this place in history - have been chosen to deliver this truth.

That is our purpose and legacy. 

No need to worry anymore. "The Universe [God] has already written the poem you want to write." 

Drain the Sink

When I wash dishes by hand, below the top layer of suds is usually a floating glob of grease.  This glob may dissipate while the water and my hands are moving, but once the water is still, the little globules seem to find each other to form a floating mass that takes over, obliterating the suds.  Likewise, to pull the plug to drain the glob, one has to still plunge his/her hand through the slimy mess to find the plug. 

That's an accurate description of what it's like to be me. During the day, the water of my life is always moving. The little globules of sadness float around, but they are manageable because they are tiny, often hidden or undetectable, due to busyness.  

At night, however, usually around 3 a.m., that's when the water is still, and all the sadness globules have found each other. They band together to form a mass that clogs my mind.  These sadness globules are a toxic concoction of many things - family and work stress, guilt, shame, and disappointment with myself - generally, unfinished business.  Ignoring the blob or pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. In the middle of the night, the consistency and size of the mass overtake the bubbles of joy, and all I am left with his cold, gray, dirty water. 

And so, I usually get up because I won't be able to sleep anymore anyway.  It's a shitty way to live, one that makes my husband concerned about me, but it has not become "the way it is." 

Back to the dishwater. . .everybody knows that once the glob of grease is there, you can't get rid of it.  It never mixes with the water; oil and water are always separate. Eventually, it starts to leave a greasy film on whatever it is that you are trying to wash.  So the only thing you can do is drain the sink and start over. 

Drain the sink - of both the water/suds and grease - and start over.  Start with fresh water.

I suppose that's what prayer is.  Each day, I start over by filling the sink of my mind with fresh water that is hot and soapy - clean. 

But I think the lesson to be learned here is that I also have to drain the sink before I go to bed.  I'm holding the water in the sink longer than I should, which is when the problem starts.  

I guess I have always focused on starting the day with prayer to set the pace and focus for the day - to get off to a good start.  This isn't wrong or bad, but it's like having only one side of book ends on the shelf.  If there aren't two to hold the books in between, the books will fall - on one side or the other - which is a problem.  Only half of the job is being completed. 

So here is the takeaway: Pray in the morning to start the day and ask for God to drive the bus of my mind and actions. Pray before bed to end the day, ask for forgiveness, and release both my sin and all that I cannot control.  God doesn't keep a scorecard, so why am I? God has no desire to punish me, or punish me indefinitely, so why do I do it to myself? God does not expect, nor want, me to be in charge, so why am I trying to do that? 

All the grease in the water of mind is doing is clogging up the sink and leaving a slimy residue. Drain the sink.

Backsliding Epiphanies

Idea 1: 

 "In all organic life, there is a tendency to revert to the original type" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert). 

Oswald Chambers gives the example of flowers and plants.  When someone is taking care of them or training them, they do what the gardener wants.  Once untended or left to their own devices, the plants will revert to their original tendencies.  

It's no big surprise that people act similarly. 

It's a lesson in vigilance.  There are no days off when it comes to tending the soul.  Regular tending - prayer, Scripture, worship - is necessary to keep pruning and training our souls to stay in alignment with the Gardener's designs for us. 

Idea 2:

"The possibility of offence can only come when two persons have somewhat the same nature" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, Possibility of Offence).  

This was an important epiphany for me.  

There is two people with whom the offense is egregious.  This particular quote regards the elder of the two.  

With regard to the offense, I can see how we are alike.  We are both ferocious mama bears, wanting to protect our kids, often straining boundaries to do so.  That said, I can understand what she said and did.  It doesn't change the past or provide healing, but understanding is the beginning of healing. 

Idea 3: 

"As soon as I am offended, I become perverse, my eyes are blinded and I see only along the line of my prejudices. . . The people who are most perverse against the truth are those who know it" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perversity of the Offenced and The Perfidy of the Offended).

The first part of the statement is a reflection of modern times. This is not a new or extraordinary point.  The second part of the statement might be.

People are equipped with an innate sense of right and wrong.  As creatures made in God's image, this is a default setting.  

Life is a struggle between the world's ideas and God's truths.  We have an inner magnetic pull toward Truth.  People who lean away and fight that truth voice the biggest and loudest complaints.  Apparently, they think that the more they scream, the more noise they make, the truer their message becomes.  It doesn't work that way. They just get angrier, which leads them to exert more effort to lean further away.  The result is fruitlessness and an unhappy demeanor and life.  

Idea 4:

"If God were to remove from us as saints the possibility of disobedience, there would be no value in our obedience; it would be mechanical business. . .The possibility of disobedience in a child of God makes his obedience of amazing value" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perfidy of the Offenced).

People often pray for the removal of sin and temptation from their lives.  A key point to remember is that temptation is not sin.  Submitting to temptation is.  Even in the Lord's Prayer, it says, "lead us not into temptation," not "remove temptation." 

God's desire is that we choose Him - in every moment, in every circumstance. Every time we choose Him, we are IN His Will - the very thing we ask for ALL the time.  To remove the temptation would take away the choice. The default would be automatic obedience, which sounds good in theory, but is dissatisfactory because it takes our uniqueness as individuals out of the equation. 

The best analogy I can muster is arranged marriage.  In an arranged marriage, both parties are guaranteed a spouse.  All the things that are associated with courtship - getting to know each other, anticipating the person's arrival, wanting to look good/smell good, showing one's best qualities - would be moot and unnecessary.  Likewise, to me, at least, it would be a dissatisfactory circumstance.  Sure, I would have a husband, but I would never have the satisfaction of knowing that out of all the others, he chose me. 

Like a bridegroom, God wants us to WANT and CHOOSE Him. This is the necessary of temptation.

God is on the Move

 "God will make our obstacles serve His purposes." (August 2, Streams in the Desert)

These obstacles often inhibit progress: Physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  These are often the focus of our prayers, as we fervently request for them to be removed.  

"These are the very conditions we need for achievement, and they have been put in our lives as the means of producing the gifts and qualities for which we have been praying so long." 

The author gave an example regarding patience - when we pray for patience, we are put into situations that test us and demand patience so that we can grow the very quality for which we asked.  How else does one develop the most important character traits, such as honesty, integrity, kindness, peace, etc? S/he must be in situations, often trying and/or hurtful, to develop those qualities. If one wishes to be honest, s/he will undoubtedly feel the smart and sting of dishonesty, whether it has been done to him/her or s/he has hurt someone else by being dishonest.  

It's a terrible way to have to learn a lesson, but it's the only way. 

"Turn from your running and submit.  Claim by faith to be a partaker in the patience of Jesus and face your trials in Him. There is nothing in your life that distresses or concerns you that cannot become submissive to the highest purpose.  Remember, they are God's mountains.  He puts them there for a reason, and we know He will never fail to keep His promise." 

I was reminded of the prayers that I have submitted regularly and faithfully - prayers for which I have known discouragement because either (to my way of thinking) they haven't been answered or the exact opposite has occurred. 

Today, I have incredible peace about those prayers.  Of course, there will be discouragement.  Of course, the opposite will happen.  How else will the prayer be answered?? 

God is on the move, as He always has been.  He is answering those prayers - in His way and on His timeline.  I must stay the course with my prayers and "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:12 - not surprisingly, also a scripture for today). 

Thankful. Humbled.  At peace (at least, for the moment)

This is What It's Like to be a Post-Covid Teacher

Do you want to know what it's like to be a teacher right now? This is what it's like, exactly what it's like.

I am in a battle, one I didn't create, but one I allowed myself to be conscripted for.  I showed up a long time ago, naive, idealistic, eager to serve and help.  This is not what I signed up for.  Because I was optimistic, because I believed it was the right thing to do, and because I wasn't paying close enough attention, I ended up here.

In this battle, I am expected to aim and shoot at an unseen enemy.  It's not hard to do because I am being shot at, and I don't know why. 

It's dark and cold and wet and foggy. I am constantly under threat.  I am tired, my eyes bleary with fatigue. My adrenal system is on high alert all the time.  I can't sleep, my eating patterns are off. . .stress is life.  I just keep dodging and shooting, day after day.  I am exhausted.

All around me are people like me. I see them now and then through the misty air.  We grab furtive conversation. With quiet cliches and sidelong glances, we try to support and encourage each other as best we can, having each other's back to the extent that it's possible.  Collectively, we do what we are told and what is expected, even when we disagree.

Even though it's a terrible way to live, nothing changes.  It gets worse everyday. There is no end in sight.  

And then, for a brief moment, for the first time in a long time, I look up, and I see a glimpse of sunlight and tree leaves and blue sky.  As I stare a little more, I see an edge. It's smooth and circular, and next to the opening, dim but not hidden is a rope ladder.  As my eyes follow it down from the edge in the sky, I see that the ladder extends to my/ our level.

Quietly, hoping to stay undetected, I sneak through the dark, navigating obstacles and thick foliage, until I see the rope ladder. 

It's right there. I can grab it. 

If I am brave enough, I can drop my weapons and start climbing out.  To climb will leave me exposed - I could get seriously wounded or destroyed by the unseen enemies.  Equally terrible, I will also be ridiculed and despised by those in charge.  My fellow warriors will be confused and angry that I gave up, quit, and deserted, leaving them to carry on and fight.  

I am torn. I feel a sense of loyalty and duty, but then, I look up and see the inviting canopy above me, causing inexplicable relief.

What if I climb up, and it's not what I expected?  What if it's worse? 

If I stay, though, I know I will be destroyed eventually.  Even if the battle ends, what will remain? And with any war, when one battle ends, another begins.  

I have to decide.

Even though there are no guarantees, do I choose sunshine, to feel heat, to see leaves and trees and blue skies, or do I stay with what I know - safe and uncomfortable in the unsafe, uncomfortable but predictable circumstances? 

Even if I am shot dead when I get to the top, what's the difference? Staying where I am is just prolonging the agony.  I will eventually die here too.  

If you're not really living, aren't you already dead?  

I have a hand on the ladder.  I feel the coarseness of the twine.  I run my palm along the smooth, wooden step.  Two swift movements - another hand and a foot on the step - and I am on my way.  

All I need to do is decide to move. 

When Dreams Must Die

 I haven't been able to take a bath in almost a year.  No, there is nothing wrong with me.  The problem was our water.  Our filtration system had been sputtering and finally gave up.  This left us the problem of stinky (that nasty sulfur fart smell), brownish (rust), hard (yes, the softener quit too) water.  There was no enticement to take a bath.  

A week ago, we had the entire system and softener replaced.  After a stressful week and a day of yard work, I decided it was time to take an inaugural dip in the tub.  

I expected a warm soak; what I got was a flood.

As the water ran, I gathered up the tools of relaxation: bubbles, phone with speaker, and incense. As the water ran, I lit the incense while the water foamed.  I found the Meditation station on Pandora and lowered myself into the tub.  

The first song to play was "Canon in D." For most people, this is recognizable as a processional at weddings.  As cliche as it maybe, I, too, had hoped that my daughter would enter the church to this song.  

Without going into detail (mostly because I'm not ready to talk about it), this has been a year of dashed dreams. I've had to learn that some dreams have to die, even if you don't want them to, and while grieving over them is natural and expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult.  The old dreams are supposed to be replaced by new, but I'm still in the grieving process.  

And so, I rolled to my side, allowed the dreams to tumble and dissipate, and started to cry. 

"Canon in D" was followed by "Expression" by Helen Jane Long and then by "Arwen's Vigil" by The Piano Guys, and then by "Life and Death " by Paul Cardell.  It was a tough set. 

The driving rhythms of *"Expression" reflect my desperate pursuit of "normal." Just keep moving, ride the emotions, but keep moving. "Arwen's Vigil" is the tender underside of the emotions - that which has never seen the light of day. No one knows and will never know.  These are mine alone - vulnerable, secret, and thick with pain. Originally, "Life and Death" first debuted on the popular TV series, Lost. Indeed, the song fit the show - so much loss.  What once was is never to be again.  The gravity of that reality is sometimes more than one can bear.  There is a tenderness in the melody, as memories are bittersweet. There is a reminder of the past joy mingled with present grief.  

My tears mingled with the water all around me.  Each song, all of it. So true. So pure. So real.  So hard. 

So where does it end? I don't know. It's not done yet, and I don't see an end game in the distance.  

I know that at some point, there will be an end. 

It is said that water symbolizes purification. Baptism is a cleansing, a rebirth. That said, in my mind's eye, I am sitting on a rock on one side of a quiet stream. The day is warm, there is a breeze. I am alone but comfortable. I am not afraid.  

Across the stream, He is there.  He approaches the edge.  There is only feet between us.  He smiles first then extends His hand.  My smile reflects His. I feel inexpressible joy as I stand and reach my hand to His. 

No, I'm not dying.  But there are parts of me that are.  I know that it will be over when I'm ready to let it go. When I finally surrender my fears, sadness, regret, guilt, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, and control, it will be over, and more importantly, it will begin.  

*I included the links to the songs in case you wanted to hear them too.