Drain the Sink

When I wash dishes by hand, below the top layer of suds is usually a floating glob of grease.  This glob may dissipate while the water and my hands are moving, but once the water is still, the little globules seem to find each other to form a floating mass that takes over, obliterating the suds.  Likewise, to pull the plug to drain the glob, one has to still plunge his/her hand through the slimy mess to find the plug. 

That's an accurate description of what it's like to be me. During the day, the water of my life is always moving. The little globules of sadness float around, but they are manageable because they are tiny, often hidden or undetectable, due to busyness.  

At night, however, usually around 3 a.m., that's when the water is still, and all the sadness globules have found each other. They band together to form a mass that clogs my mind.  These sadness globules are a toxic concoction of many things - family and work stress, guilt, shame, and disappointment with myself - generally, unfinished business.  Ignoring the blob or pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. In the middle of the night, the consistency and size of the mass overtake the bubbles of joy, and all I am left with his cold, gray, dirty water. 

And so, I usually get up because I won't be able to sleep anymore anyway.  It's a shitty way to live, one that makes my husband concerned about me, but it has not become "the way it is." 

Back to the dishwater. . .everybody knows that once the glob of grease is there, you can't get rid of it.  It never mixes with the water; oil and water are always separate. Eventually, it starts to leave a greasy film on whatever it is that you are trying to wash.  So the only thing you can do is drain the sink and start over. 

Drain the sink - of both the water/suds and grease - and start over.  Start with fresh water.

I suppose that's what prayer is.  Each day, I start over by filling the sink of my mind with fresh water that is hot and soapy - clean. 

But I think the lesson to be learned here is that I also have to drain the sink before I go to bed.  I'm holding the water in the sink longer than I should, which is when the problem starts.  

I guess I have always focused on starting the day with prayer to set the pace and focus for the day - to get off to a good start.  This isn't wrong or bad, but it's like having only one side of book ends on the shelf.  If there aren't two to hold the books in between, the books will fall - on one side or the other - which is a problem.  Only half of the job is being completed. 

So here is the takeaway: Pray in the morning to start the day and ask for God to drive the bus of my mind and actions. Pray before bed to end the day, ask for forgiveness, and release both my sin and all that I cannot control.  God doesn't keep a scorecard, so why am I? God has no desire to punish me, or punish me indefinitely, so why do I do it to myself? God does not expect, nor want, me to be in charge, so why am I trying to do that? 

All the grease in the water of mind is doing is clogging up the sink and leaving a slimy residue. Drain the sink.

Backsliding Epiphanies

Idea 1: 

 "In all organic life, there is a tendency to revert to the original type" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert). 

Oswald Chambers gives the example of flowers and plants.  When someone is taking care of them or training them, they do what the gardener wants.  Once untended or left to their own devices, the plants will revert to their original tendencies.  

It's no big surprise that people act similarly. 

It's a lesson in vigilance.  There are no days off when it comes to tending the soul.  Regular tending - prayer, Scripture, worship - is necessary to keep pruning and training our souls to stay in alignment with the Gardener's designs for us. 

Idea 2:

"The possibility of offence can only come when two persons have somewhat the same nature" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, Possibility of Offence).  

This was an important epiphany for me.  

There is two people with whom the offense is egregious.  This particular quote regards the elder of the two.  

With regard to the offense, I can see how we are alike.  We are both ferocious mama bears, wanting to protect our kids, often straining boundaries to do so.  That said, I can understand what she said and did.  It doesn't change the past or provide healing, but understanding is the beginning of healing. 

Idea 3: 

"As soon as I am offended, I become perverse, my eyes are blinded and I see only along the line of my prejudices. . . The people who are most perverse against the truth are those who know it" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perversity of the Offenced and The Perfidy of the Offended).

The first part of the statement is a reflection of modern times. This is not a new or extraordinary point.  The second part of the statement might be.

People are equipped with an innate sense of right and wrong.  As creatures made in God's image, this is a default setting.  

Life is a struggle between the world's ideas and God's truths.  We have an inner magnetic pull toward Truth.  People who lean away and fight that truth voice the biggest and loudest complaints.  Apparently, they think that the more they scream, the more noise they make, the truer their message becomes.  It doesn't work that way. They just get angrier, which leads them to exert more effort to lean further away.  The result is fruitlessness and an unhappy demeanor and life.  

Idea 4:

"If God were to remove from us as saints the possibility of disobedience, there would be no value in our obedience; it would be mechanical business. . .The possibility of disobedience in a child of God makes his obedience of amazing value" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perfidy of the Offenced).

People often pray for the removal of sin and temptation from their lives.  A key point to remember is that temptation is not sin.  Submitting to temptation is.  Even in the Lord's Prayer, it says, "lead us not into temptation," not "remove temptation." 

God's desire is that we choose Him - in every moment, in every circumstance. Every time we choose Him, we are IN His Will - the very thing we ask for ALL the time.  To remove the temptation would take away the choice. The default would be automatic obedience, which sounds good in theory, but is dissatisfactory because it takes our uniqueness as individuals out of the equation. 

The best analogy I can muster is arranged marriage.  In an arranged marriage, both parties are guaranteed a spouse.  All the things that are associated with courtship - getting to know each other, anticipating the person's arrival, wanting to look good/smell good, showing one's best qualities - would be moot and unnecessary.  Likewise, to me, at least, it would be a dissatisfactory circumstance.  Sure, I would have a husband, but I would never have the satisfaction of knowing that out of all the others, he chose me. 

Like a bridegroom, God wants us to WANT and CHOOSE Him. This is the necessary of temptation.

God is on the Move

 "God will make our obstacles serve His purposes." (August 2, Streams in the Desert)

These obstacles often inhibit progress: Physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  These are often the focus of our prayers, as we fervently request for them to be removed.  

"These are the very conditions we need for achievement, and they have been put in our lives as the means of producing the gifts and qualities for which we have been praying so long." 

The author gave an example regarding patience - when we pray for patience, we are put into situations that test us and demand patience so that we can grow the very quality for which we asked.  How else does one develop the most important character traits, such as honesty, integrity, kindness, peace, etc? S/he must be in situations, often trying and/or hurtful, to develop those qualities. If one wishes to be honest, s/he will undoubtedly feel the smart and sting of dishonesty, whether it has been done to him/her or s/he has hurt someone else by being dishonest.  

It's a terrible way to have to learn a lesson, but it's the only way. 

"Turn from your running and submit.  Claim by faith to be a partaker in the patience of Jesus and face your trials in Him. There is nothing in your life that distresses or concerns you that cannot become submissive to the highest purpose.  Remember, they are God's mountains.  He puts them there for a reason, and we know He will never fail to keep His promise." 

I was reminded of the prayers that I have submitted regularly and faithfully - prayers for which I have known discouragement because either (to my way of thinking) they haven't been answered or the exact opposite has occurred. 

Today, I have incredible peace about those prayers.  Of course, there will be discouragement.  Of course, the opposite will happen.  How else will the prayer be answered?? 

God is on the move, as He always has been.  He is answering those prayers - in His way and on His timeline.  I must stay the course with my prayers and "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:12 - not surprisingly, also a scripture for today). 

Thankful. Humbled.  At peace (at least, for the moment)

This is What It's Like to be a Post-Covid Teacher

Do you want to know what it's like to be a teacher right now? This is what it's like, exactly what it's like.

I am in a battle, one I didn't create, but one I allowed myself to be conscripted for.  I showed up a long time ago, naive, idealistic, eager to serve and help.  This is not what I signed up for.  Because I was optimistic, because I believed it was the right thing to do, and because I wasn't paying close enough attention, I ended up here.

In this battle, I am expected to aim and shoot at an unseen enemy.  It's not hard to do because I am being shot at, and I don't know why. 

It's dark and cold and wet and foggy. I am constantly under threat.  I am tired, my eyes bleary with fatigue. My adrenal system is on high alert all the time.  I can't sleep, my eating patterns are off. . .stress is life.  I just keep dodging and shooting, day after day.  I am exhausted.

All around me are people like me. I see them now and then through the misty air.  We grab furtive conversation. With quiet cliches and sidelong glances, we try to support and encourage each other as best we can, having each other's back to the extent that it's possible.  Collectively, we do what we are told and what is expected, even when we disagree.

Even though it's a terrible way to live, nothing changes.  It gets worse everyday. There is no end in sight.  

And then, for a brief moment, for the first time in a long time, I look up, and I see a glimpse of sunlight and tree leaves and blue sky.  As I stare a little more, I see an edge. It's smooth and circular, and next to the opening, dim but not hidden is a rope ladder.  As my eyes follow it down from the edge in the sky, I see that the ladder extends to my/ our level.

Quietly, hoping to stay undetected, I sneak through the dark, navigating obstacles and thick foliage, until I see the rope ladder. 

It's right there. I can grab it. 

If I am brave enough, I can drop my weapons and start climbing out.  To climb will leave me exposed - I could get seriously wounded or destroyed by the unseen enemies.  Equally terrible, I will also be ridiculed and despised by those in charge.  My fellow warriors will be confused and angry that I gave up, quit, and deserted, leaving them to carry on and fight.  

I am torn. I feel a sense of loyalty and duty, but then, I look up and see the inviting canopy above me, causing inexplicable relief.

What if I climb up, and it's not what I expected?  What if it's worse? 

If I stay, though, I know I will be destroyed eventually.  Even if the battle ends, what will remain? And with any war, when one battle ends, another begins.  

I have to decide.

Even though there are no guarantees, do I choose sunshine, to feel heat, to see leaves and trees and blue skies, or do I stay with what I know - safe and uncomfortable in the unsafe, uncomfortable but predictable circumstances? 

Even if I am shot dead when I get to the top, what's the difference? Staying where I am is just prolonging the agony.  I will eventually die here too.  

If you're not really living, aren't you already dead?  

I have a hand on the ladder.  I feel the coarseness of the twine.  I run my palm along the smooth, wooden step.  Two swift movements - another hand and a foot on the step - and I am on my way.  

All I need to do is decide to move. 

When Dreams Must Die

 I haven't been able to take a bath in almost a year.  No, there is nothing wrong with me.  The problem was our water.  Our filtration system had been sputtering and finally gave up.  This left us the problem of stinky (that nasty sulfur fart smell), brownish (rust), hard (yes, the softener quit too) water.  There was no enticement to take a bath.  

A week ago, we had the entire system and softener replaced.  After a stressful week and a day of yard work, I decided it was time to take an inaugural dip in the tub.  

I expected a warm soak; what I got was a flood.

As the water ran, I gathered up the tools of relaxation: bubbles, phone with speaker, and incense. As the water ran, I lit the incense while the water foamed.  I found the Meditation station on Pandora and lowered myself into the tub.  

The first song to play was "Canon in D." For most people, this is recognizable as a processional at weddings.  As cliche as it maybe, I, too, had hoped that my daughter would enter the church to this song.  

Without going into detail (mostly because I'm not ready to talk about it), this has been a year of dashed dreams. I've had to learn that some dreams have to die, even if you don't want them to, and while grieving over them is natural and expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult.  The old dreams are supposed to be replaced by new, but I'm still in the grieving process.  

And so, I rolled to my side, allowed the dreams to tumble and dissipate, and started to cry. 

"Canon in D" was followed by "Expression" by Helen Jane Long and then by "Arwen's Vigil" by The Piano Guys, and then by "Life and Death " by Paul Cardell.  It was a tough set. 

The driving rhythms of *"Expression" reflect my desperate pursuit of "normal." Just keep moving, ride the emotions, but keep moving. "Arwen's Vigil" is the tender underside of the emotions - that which has never seen the light of day. No one knows and will never know.  These are mine alone - vulnerable, secret, and thick with pain. Originally, "Life and Death" first debuted on the popular TV series, Lost. Indeed, the song fit the show - so much loss.  What once was is never to be again.  The gravity of that reality is sometimes more than one can bear.  There is a tenderness in the melody, as memories are bittersweet. There is a reminder of the past joy mingled with present grief.  

My tears mingled with the water all around me.  Each song, all of it. So true. So pure. So real.  So hard. 

So where does it end? I don't know. It's not done yet, and I don't see an end game in the distance.  

I know that at some point, there will be an end. 

It is said that water symbolizes purification. Baptism is a cleansing, a rebirth. That said, in my mind's eye, I am sitting on a rock on one side of a quiet stream. The day is warm, there is a breeze. I am alone but comfortable. I am not afraid.  

Across the stream, He is there.  He approaches the edge.  There is only feet between us.  He smiles first then extends His hand.  My smile reflects His. I feel inexpressible joy as I stand and reach my hand to His. 

No, I'm not dying.  But there are parts of me that are.  I know that it will be over when I'm ready to let it go. When I finally surrender my fears, sadness, regret, guilt, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, and control, it will be over, and more importantly, it will begin.  

*I included the links to the songs in case you wanted to hear them too. 

Social Media Reject

“Americans put in 25% more hours [at work]than Europeans, take fewer vacation days and are retiring later,” states Dan Buettner in The Blue Zones of Happiness. That’s because “we get to keep a greater % of wages in comparison to Europeans who are heavily taxed.”

For example, the Danes are taxed anywhere from 42% (starting) to 68% for top earners. Thus, Danes are encouraged “to choose jobs that give them a greater chance of experiencing flow. With taxes claiming a big portion of their wages and ambition being frowned upon in their culture, there’s no personal advantage for them to seek higher paychecks or impressive titles.”

Ok, but we live and work in America. We aren’t going to tilt the culture on its side anytime soon, so what do we do to increase satisfaction and happiness in the workplace? Here are Buettner’s guidelines to workplace happiness:

1. Make a best friend at work. Have at least one meaningful relationship that transcends work and becomes a true friendship.

2. Seek a job that fits you (engages your natural talents, values and passions). Follow your heart vs. the paycheck. Work with people you like. Work in a place that gives you constant, meaningful feedback.

3. Consider your work hours. Take a vacation every year. Take up to six weeks to maximize work happiness.

4. Avoid long commutes - no more than 30 minutes.

5. Set goals (quarterly and annual; personal and work). Write them down. Monitor and track. Get an accountability partner.

In my world, sixty percent is passing. Anything below that is failure. That said, I am at 60%, barely passing. Of course, this is just one person's viewpoint, but this dude has done a lot of world research on this topic.

So, that leaves me to ponder. . .

I used to like teaching. In fact, I loved teaching. I used to pour my very heart and soul into it, working long hours because yes, I felt as though I had to, but also because I enjoyed the work (minus the grading). Teaching used to be fun. In addition to the curriculum work we did in class, there was also playfulness. I feel as though we laughed more; I laughed more. We had less meetings, more spontaneity, more creativity and latitude in coursework/assessment, and I felt honored, respected, and appreciated.

In the 29 years I have been at this (and yes, I realize I give that time marker quite often; it's mostly to remind ME of how much of my life has been spent in one endeavor), so much has changed. There is still fun in the classroom; it just looks way different. We still laugh, but kids are SO sensitive and anxiety-ridden that it can be very fun-sucking and certainly causes anxiety for me as a teacher (Did I say something offensive? When I touched the person's shoulder, do I need to worry? Will they sue me?). Other than that, it's all different. There is NO fun AT ALL with the staff. People don't participate in the fun stuff - they don't show up for celebrations, they don't want to hang out, they don't want to foster friendships. We are just silos that operate independently in a our rooms and go home. Likewise, there is no appreciation or respect for the staff. Sure, there is lip-service (we appreciate YOU; now, take this donut), but true appreciation and respect is measurable each day, not just special days on the calendar. The non-stop meetings, directives, deadlines. . .ridiculous decisions that are made FOR teachers without teacher input? All of those tell the true story of how teachers are regarded.

In considering all that, one should not be surprised to hear me say that teaching is no fun anymore, and I really don't like it anymore. That said, do the kids deserve better? I don't think the kids are suffering at all. They still get the best of me. Does the district deserve better? They already have/had the best of me, and they didn't/don't appreciate it. I have been their dish rag long enough - they have wrung every drop out of me. It's time for me to find a new sink - one of MY choosing.

I need to keep writing stuff like this to fortify me in my resolve. The more I remind myself, the less likely I am to drop back and retreat.

Heart Plans

 "A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9

If you read the commentary on this verse, the usual interpretations are what I would consider somewhat negative.  You can decide in your head what you want to have happen, but if it doesn't align with what God wants, it ain't happenin.' This is true. However, it neglects to point out that God wants the best for us.  Likewise, He gave us free will and a mind, which He definitely wants us to use.  

That said, this morning when I read it, I saw something different - something encouraging.  Your heart has a desire and knows what it wants, but God is in charge of how you get there and how long it takes. Of course, our desires have to align with God, His purpose, His plans and His glory.  But, He also celebrates our uniqueness.  He is the Creator, inspiration of creativity, and He enjoys seeing us flex our creative muscles, imagining what we want. He knows our deepest desires - the secret aches that no human knows because we have never said anything to anyone about them. I believe these are the "heart plans" in the verse.  When those heart plans align with His Will, I can almost hear the click of the ignitor as a fire within is lit.  

This is particularly encouraging to me.  I have some definite heart desires, many of which I do not vocalize.  If I speak them, I subject myself to ridicule, or even worse, the possibility that those desires will never be realized.  After all, if I don't talk about it, then I don't have to worry about being humiliated if they never happen.  But I also have no accountability for them.  

God knows, though.  He does hold me accountable for them.  He places opportunities in my path, and it is up to me to take those opportunities.  It is up to me to be brave and take a step toward those desires. Sadly, there are many times when I am not paying attention, or I have allowed myself to get distracted by things that don't matter.  Or, I allow the voice of the enemy to drown out the still, small whisper.  God believes in me, especially when I don't believe in myself.  He sends others to deliver that message and encourage me to move.  This is how He determines my steps.  

The fun part is that His steps are almost always a surprise.  Not a surprise, as in SURPRISE! But they are surprise in the fact that He works the plan in unexpected and unorthodox ways.  There have been many times when I have sat back in wonder, a smile on my face, as I have considered the creative, truly perfect way in which He has set the situation up for complete success.  Can I give you an example right now?  Of course not.  That's how it usually goes.  However, I can tell you that it has happened, and that's what makes me continue to believe that He will honor my heart desires in HIS time and in HIS own way.  

As a person, made in His image, I believe He not only instilled within me, the ability to create marvelous, extravagant dreams and goals.  I also believe He waits with anticipation to see what I want.  It's like a mother seeing her daughter dance on a stage for the first time, a father watching his son open the Christmas present he so desperately wanted.  He wants to give us only good things.  He wants to see us smile. He wants to enjoy His creation, enjoying creation.  For this is what brings glory to the Creator. 

"A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9