Sweet Baby Girl's Lesson

I guess I have been clueless, or naive.  That's not like me.  Usually, I am fairly perceptive. In my own little world, what you see is what you get.  In other words, I don't pretend to be something that I'm not, and I don't lie.  If I like something, I say it.  If I don't like something, I either say it, or keep my mouth shut, but you will know.  I try to live a fairly transparent life, and when I feel as though it's inappropriate or may hurt someone by being transparent, I say nothing at all, and just plain do not engage. My problem has been that I think that everybody thinks similarly - that authenticity and truth is a non-negotiable. 

Not only is this not true; this year has turned out to be the year of hate for me.  Only I haven't been doing the hating.  I have become privy to just how much I am hated.  Ok, "hated" might be a harsh word, but "disliked" definitely applies.

First, work. I've never been popular at work.  That is definitely one place where I have let my opinions be known, mostly because many decisions and mandates have been averse to both staff and students.  As a result, I have no doubt that it has caused me to be the target of dislike. Over the years, it has become increasingly obvious.  While hurtful, I have just muddled through and done my job. My work ethic and integrity are important to me, so I have always done my best.  In addition to professional dislike, there is the personal dislike that accompanies it. I would venture to say that most places of employment are like large middle schools, replete with the cool kids, the loners, and the undesirables.  I know which category I am in, but as time has gone on, it smarts just a little bit more.

I have always said that life is bearable when at least one area of your life is ok.  For example, if things suck at work, but are fine at home (personal relationships), it's a wash.  The same is true in reverse - if life sucks at home, but work is decent, it's bearable.  When both are out of whack, you're in trouble.  Such has been the case this year. 

With regard to my formerly most-trusted interpersonal relationships, I've been told off - both in written and verbal forms, I have been yelled at, I have been disrespected, and I have been dismissed.   I have felt the chill of hostility, and the throbbing pain of betrayal. The expectations from others for me have been unrealistically high, but God forbid, I voice any expectations for others.  Gaslighting? Check. Verbal abuse? Check. Ignored? Check. Manipulation and hostility? Check.  Pick a word associated with fraught relationships. Any word.  I bet I have experienced it this year.  

I'm a strong person, and I have endured much in my life time - especially within the last ten years.  But each time, I have been able to brace myself against the torrent.  I have been close to being knocked down, and I may have faltered or taken a knee at times, but I have never gone down.  But this year?  It's getting pretty damn close. I've lost my equilibrium, and have been backed into a corner.  I feel trapped, and am having trouble finding a way out. As a result, I have been down more than I have been up. 

This morning, I was having a moment.  Waves of grief and sadness kept rolling over me.  I have a friend who is, and has been, fighting an illness since 2009.  It's a serious battle, but each day, she only allows herself ten minutes to be sad or feel sorry for herself.  Then, she puts her grief and sadness on a shelf and goes about her life.  I texted her, "Teach me your ways."  I have not been able to shelve, or compartmentalize, my feelings very well.  I don't know how she does it. 

As another wave hit me this morning, I was on the floor, playing with my granddaughter.  We were arranging the animals in the Fischer Price barn, making all the requisite animal noises to correlate with the barnyard residents.  As we played, my vision blurred as tears overflowed.  One fat tear slid down to the end of my nose.  

Turning to look at me, mouth poised to make a "moo," my granddaughter noticed the tear, stuck out her chubby little finger and swiped it off my nose.  Then, she immediately returned to the cow in her hand. 

How is it that a one-year-old can have more compassion than a whole world of adults?  It's easy for adults to dismiss the sadness around them, or slap a label on someone who is sad. . "Oh, she's just playing the victim again". . .or, "I don't feel sorry for him. He did it to himself." It's far easier to be judgmental than to stop and check in.  Sweet baby girl didn't make a big deal out of it.  She just swiped away the tear, letting me know she saw it, and continued on while staying by my side.  

Matthew 18:3 came to mind: "And He said: Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" 

Becoming like a little child means being present, in the moment.  Littles don't worry about "later," nor do they dwell on yesterday.  They are right in the here and now.  Likewise, littles are so attuned to the feelings, vibrations and energy that others give off.  

Both of these characteristics are key when it comes to entering the kingdom of heaven as well. No, they aren't requirements in order to GET to heaven.  But they are the fruits of the kingdom of heaven.  If we declare ourselves to be Christ-followers, our lives should bear the fruit of that declaration as well.  

Are things going to get better?  Of course, they are.  Things won't look the same as they did, and all things considered, that's a good thing. Neither will I be the same person. My circle just got even smaller than it was, and I am thankful to be flanked by a fantastic husband and a loyal friend. Even so, God doesn't waste hurts.  These challenges are growth opportunities, and it's up to me to figure out what God wants, and respond in kind.  This, too, shall pass.  

Sweet baby girl's simple action today reminded me first and foremost, that kindness does exist, and that it's most effective and genuine when it's uncomplicated and not overthought. It also reminded me of the value and necessity of being in a single moment at a time.  God has had a lot to say on that, and the lesson to be learned is that lessons are learned in those moments.  I just have to be paying attention. A final reminder is that the condition of the heart trumps the head every time.  I'm not talking about letting emotions drive the bus; that will probably mean an ugly derailment at some point.  However, a pure heart - one connected to the Creator of love - will show me exactly what I need to do at any given moment.  

Keep Going

A bike lock doesn't look like much - it certainly doesn't look like much of an obstacle, until it is.  We were just about done moving Erika's stuff out of her apartment, and there was one object yet to be loaded into the truck:  Her bike.  Unfortunately, she wasn't there, and she didn't know where the key was, so Mike pulled out a grinder and set to work on the lock.  Like I said, a bike lock doesn't look like much.  At a glance, it seems like a couple of good, hard yanks should be sufficient to release the chain and lock.  Not so much.  After a couple of minutes with the grinder (and several askew glances from the residents going in and out of the apartment building), we had freed the bike and were on our way. 

Many people pray for chains to be broken.  Sometimes, it is a chain of addiction.  Sometimes, it is a generational chain to be broken.  Sometimes, it is a chain on habituation.  Sometimes, it is a chain of a default emotion, such as fear or anger.  

I am one of those people who pray about chains.  Many years ago, I prayed for a chain to be broken.  There have been many mornings since that I have prayed the same prayer. . .and then expressed the same frustration. The movement that I expected to be in one direction ended up going in the opposite direction.  This morning could have been one of those mornings, but I actually laughed out loud instead.

I should have known better. This is what made me laugh, not derisively, but with something on the precipice of joy.

First, let's get one thing straight: God. Answers. Prayer. Since He knows our hearts - to the very whisper of our true motivations - He very clearly knows when our prayers are God-honoring and when they are self-serving.  With regard to the former, I see Him high-five me and exclaim, "I got this!" in my mind's eye. It's the "how" and "when" to answering those prayers that He has complete creative license.  Sometimes, our prayers are answered in the way we want, or as we expected.  Sometimes, they are answered completely opposite to what we want or expected.  ALL the time, the answers are in the best, correct, and only way. And NEVER are those prayers ignored.  He knows the right moment, and that is exactly when they will be answered.

Now, back to the chain. Breaking a chain is not an easy task. Duh.  The bike example is proof positive of that.  It required the correct tool.  It requires the correct amount (and often, it's a lot) of pressure, and it requires patience.  That chain and lock have been designed to hold.  Thus, neither is going to give way very easily.  As a result, the breaking process may take multiple efforts and methods, not just a one-time pass.

This is also what has happened with my prayers. Multiple passes.  Multiple efforts. How presumptuous of me to think it would be a once and done.  Not that it couldn't.  God is fully capable of a once and done. But in my case, God knows me, and He knows my arrogant, independent, I-can-do-it-myself heart.  Too soon, and I might risk taking the credit, celebrating "my" success."  I don't blame Him for letting me face-plant my ego and skin the knees of my heart.  Quite the opposite, I applaud His method and appreciate His foresight.  Good parents let their kids experience consequences.  Too late have I realized that it's not the consequence itself that is important; it is how one (the child) processes the consequence that is most important, as it provides the means of character development (and if necessary, change in character). 

Each time the chain holds, I have to re-group and come at the problem with a new approach and renewed energy.  Like Thomas Edison, I have not failed.  I have discovered another way that doesn't work.  This is where the idea of finding the right tool comes in.  THAT ONE didn't work.  Now I need to find/try a new one. 

And this is what made me smile this morning. Through each failure, my heart is changing as well.  Each failure requires me to come back to the drawing board (God's Word). More self-evaluation (through reflection and time spend in prayer). More humility. Patience and pressure will eventually pop the lock, break the link.  Breaking a chain is like a weight loss plan, you need a strong "why," consistency, and the right tools, environment and people for it to work.  

If it honors God, the chains will be broken, no doubt about that.  

The pressure is on.

It might hurt.  It will cause fatigue.  It will be frustrating, but keep going.  Keep going.

Keep going.