When I wash dishes by hand, below the top layer of suds is usually a floating glob of grease. This glob may dissipate while the water and my hands are moving, but once the water is still, the little globules seem to find each other to form a floating mass that takes over, obliterating the suds. Likewise, to pull the plug to drain the glob, one has to still plunge his/her hand through the slimy mess to find the plug.
That's an accurate description of what it's like to be me. During the day, the water of my life is always moving. The little globules of sadness float around, but they are manageable because they are tiny, often hidden or undetectable, due to busyness.
At night, however, usually around 3 a.m., that's when the water is still, and all the sadness globules have found each other. They band together to form a mass that clogs my mind. These sadness globules are a toxic concoction of many things - family and work stress, guilt, shame, and disappointment with myself - generally, unfinished business. Ignoring the blob or pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. In the middle of the night, the consistency and size of the mass overtake the bubbles of joy, and all I am left with his cold, gray, dirty water.
And so, I usually get up because I won't be able to sleep anymore anyway. It's a shitty way to live, one that makes my husband concerned about me, but it has not become "the way it is."
Back to the dishwater. . .everybody knows that once the glob of grease is there, you can't get rid of it. It never mixes with the water; oil and water are always separate. Eventually, it starts to leave a greasy film on whatever it is that you are trying to wash. So the only thing you can do is drain the sink and start over.
Drain the sink - of both the water/suds and grease - and start over. Start with fresh water.
I suppose that's what prayer is. Each day, I start over by filling the sink of my mind with fresh water that is hot and soapy - clean.
But I think the lesson to be learned here is that I also have to drain the sink before I go to bed. I'm holding the water in the sink longer than I should, which is when the problem starts.
I guess I have always focused on starting the day with prayer to set the pace and focus for the day - to get off to a good start. This isn't wrong or bad, but it's like having only one side of book ends on the shelf. If there aren't two to hold the books in between, the books will fall - on one side or the other - which is a problem. Only half of the job is being completed.
So here is the takeaway: Pray in the morning to start the day and ask for God to drive the bus of my mind and actions. Pray before bed to end the day, ask for forgiveness, and release both my sin and all that I cannot control. God doesn't keep a scorecard, so why am I? God has no desire to punish me, or punish me indefinitely, so why do I do it to myself? God does not expect, nor want, me to be in charge, so why am I trying to do that?
All the grease in the water of mind is doing is clogging up the sink and leaving a slimy residue. Drain the sink.
