Drain the Sink

When I wash dishes by hand, below the top layer of suds is usually a floating glob of grease.  This glob may dissipate while the water and my hands are moving, but once the water is still, the little globules seem to find each other to form a floating mass that takes over, obliterating the suds.  Likewise, to pull the plug to drain the glob, one has to still plunge his/her hand through the slimy mess to find the plug. 

That's an accurate description of what it's like to be me. During the day, the water of my life is always moving. The little globules of sadness float around, but they are manageable because they are tiny, often hidden or undetectable, due to busyness.  

At night, however, usually around 3 a.m., that's when the water is still, and all the sadness globules have found each other. They band together to form a mass that clogs my mind.  These sadness globules are a toxic concoction of many things - family and work stress, guilt, shame, and disappointment with myself - generally, unfinished business.  Ignoring the blob or pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. In the middle of the night, the consistency and size of the mass overtake the bubbles of joy, and all I am left with his cold, gray, dirty water. 

And so, I usually get up because I won't be able to sleep anymore anyway.  It's a shitty way to live, one that makes my husband concerned about me, but it has not become "the way it is." 

Back to the dishwater. . .everybody knows that once the glob of grease is there, you can't get rid of it.  It never mixes with the water; oil and water are always separate. Eventually, it starts to leave a greasy film on whatever it is that you are trying to wash.  So the only thing you can do is drain the sink and start over. 

Drain the sink - of both the water/suds and grease - and start over.  Start with fresh water.

I suppose that's what prayer is.  Each day, I start over by filling the sink of my mind with fresh water that is hot and soapy - clean. 

But I think the lesson to be learned here is that I also have to drain the sink before I go to bed.  I'm holding the water in the sink longer than I should, which is when the problem starts.  

I guess I have always focused on starting the day with prayer to set the pace and focus for the day - to get off to a good start.  This isn't wrong or bad, but it's like having only one side of book ends on the shelf.  If there aren't two to hold the books in between, the books will fall - on one side or the other - which is a problem.  Only half of the job is being completed. 

So here is the takeaway: Pray in the morning to start the day and ask for God to drive the bus of my mind and actions. Pray before bed to end the day, ask for forgiveness, and release both my sin and all that I cannot control.  God doesn't keep a scorecard, so why am I? God has no desire to punish me, or punish me indefinitely, so why do I do it to myself? God does not expect, nor want, me to be in charge, so why am I trying to do that? 

All the grease in the water of mind is doing is clogging up the sink and leaving a slimy residue. Drain the sink.

Backsliding Epiphanies

Idea 1: 

 "In all organic life, there is a tendency to revert to the original type" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert). 

Oswald Chambers gives the example of flowers and plants.  When someone is taking care of them or training them, they do what the gardener wants.  Once untended or left to their own devices, the plants will revert to their original tendencies.  

It's no big surprise that people act similarly. 

It's a lesson in vigilance.  There are no days off when it comes to tending the soul.  Regular tending - prayer, Scripture, worship - is necessary to keep pruning and training our souls to stay in alignment with the Gardener's designs for us. 

Idea 2:

"The possibility of offence can only come when two persons have somewhat the same nature" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, Possibility of Offence).  

This was an important epiphany for me.  

There is two people with whom the offense is egregious.  This particular quote regards the elder of the two.  

With regard to the offense, I can see how we are alike.  We are both ferocious mama bears, wanting to protect our kids, often straining boundaries to do so.  That said, I can understand what she said and did.  It doesn't change the past or provide healing, but understanding is the beginning of healing. 

Idea 3: 

"As soon as I am offended, I become perverse, my eyes are blinded and I see only along the line of my prejudices. . . The people who are most perverse against the truth are those who know it" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perversity of the Offenced and The Perfidy of the Offended).

The first part of the statement is a reflection of modern times. This is not a new or extraordinary point.  The second part of the statement might be.

People are equipped with an innate sense of right and wrong.  As creatures made in God's image, this is a default setting.  

Life is a struggle between the world's ideas and God's truths.  We have an inner magnetic pull toward Truth.  People who lean away and fight that truth voice the biggest and loudest complaints.  Apparently, they think that the more they scream, the more noise they make, the truer their message becomes.  It doesn't work that way. They just get angrier, which leads them to exert more effort to lean further away.  The result is fruitlessness and an unhappy demeanor and life.  

Idea 4:

"If God were to remove from us as saints the possibility of disobedience, there would be no value in our obedience; it would be mechanical business. . .The possibility of disobedience in a child of God makes his obedience of amazing value" (Chambers, Backsliding: The Tendency to Revert, The Perfidy of the Offenced).

People often pray for the removal of sin and temptation from their lives.  A key point to remember is that temptation is not sin.  Submitting to temptation is.  Even in the Lord's Prayer, it says, "lead us not into temptation," not "remove temptation." 

God's desire is that we choose Him - in every moment, in every circumstance. Every time we choose Him, we are IN His Will - the very thing we ask for ALL the time.  To remove the temptation would take away the choice. The default would be automatic obedience, which sounds good in theory, but is dissatisfactory because it takes our uniqueness as individuals out of the equation. 

The best analogy I can muster is arranged marriage.  In an arranged marriage, both parties are guaranteed a spouse.  All the things that are associated with courtship - getting to know each other, anticipating the person's arrival, wanting to look good/smell good, showing one's best qualities - would be moot and unnecessary.  Likewise, to me, at least, it would be a dissatisfactory circumstance.  Sure, I would have a husband, but I would never have the satisfaction of knowing that out of all the others, he chose me. 

Like a bridegroom, God wants us to WANT and CHOOSE Him. This is the necessary of temptation.

God is on the Move

 "God will make our obstacles serve His purposes." (August 2, Streams in the Desert)

These obstacles often inhibit progress: Physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  These are often the focus of our prayers, as we fervently request for them to be removed.  

"These are the very conditions we need for achievement, and they have been put in our lives as the means of producing the gifts and qualities for which we have been praying so long." 

The author gave an example regarding patience - when we pray for patience, we are put into situations that test us and demand patience so that we can grow the very quality for which we asked.  How else does one develop the most important character traits, such as honesty, integrity, kindness, peace, etc? S/he must be in situations, often trying and/or hurtful, to develop those qualities. If one wishes to be honest, s/he will undoubtedly feel the smart and sting of dishonesty, whether it has been done to him/her or s/he has hurt someone else by being dishonest.  

It's a terrible way to have to learn a lesson, but it's the only way. 

"Turn from your running and submit.  Claim by faith to be a partaker in the patience of Jesus and face your trials in Him. There is nothing in your life that distresses or concerns you that cannot become submissive to the highest purpose.  Remember, they are God's mountains.  He puts them there for a reason, and we know He will never fail to keep His promise." 

I was reminded of the prayers that I have submitted regularly and faithfully - prayers for which I have known discouragement because either (to my way of thinking) they haven't been answered or the exact opposite has occurred. 

Today, I have incredible peace about those prayers.  Of course, there will be discouragement.  Of course, the opposite will happen.  How else will the prayer be answered?? 

God is on the move, as He always has been.  He is answering those prayers - in His way and on His timeline.  I must stay the course with my prayers and "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:12 - not surprisingly, also a scripture for today). 

Thankful. Humbled.  At peace (at least, for the moment)

This is What It's Like to be a Post-Covid Teacher

Do you want to know what it's like to be a teacher right now? This is what it's like, exactly what it's like.

I am in a battle, one I didn't create, but one I allowed myself to be conscripted for.  I showed up a long time ago, naive, idealistic, eager to serve and help.  This is not what I signed up for.  Because I was optimistic, because I believed it was the right thing to do, and because I wasn't paying close enough attention, I ended up here.

In this battle, I am expected to aim and shoot at an unseen enemy.  It's not hard to do because I am being shot at, and I don't know why. 

It's dark and cold and wet and foggy. I am constantly under threat.  I am tired, my eyes bleary with fatigue. My adrenal system is on high alert all the time.  I can't sleep, my eating patterns are off. . .stress is life.  I just keep dodging and shooting, day after day.  I am exhausted.

All around me are people like me. I see them now and then through the misty air.  We grab furtive conversation. With quiet cliches and sidelong glances, we try to support and encourage each other as best we can, having each other's back to the extent that it's possible.  Collectively, we do what we are told and what is expected, even when we disagree.

Even though it's a terrible way to live, nothing changes.  It gets worse everyday. There is no end in sight.  

And then, for a brief moment, for the first time in a long time, I look up, and I see a glimpse of sunlight and tree leaves and blue sky.  As I stare a little more, I see an edge. It's smooth and circular, and next to the opening, dim but not hidden is a rope ladder.  As my eyes follow it down from the edge in the sky, I see that the ladder extends to my/ our level.

Quietly, hoping to stay undetected, I sneak through the dark, navigating obstacles and thick foliage, until I see the rope ladder. 

It's right there. I can grab it. 

If I am brave enough, I can drop my weapons and start climbing out.  To climb will leave me exposed - I could get seriously wounded or destroyed by the unseen enemies.  Equally terrible, I will also be ridiculed and despised by those in charge.  My fellow warriors will be confused and angry that I gave up, quit, and deserted, leaving them to carry on and fight.  

I am torn. I feel a sense of loyalty and duty, but then, I look up and see the inviting canopy above me, causing inexplicable relief.

What if I climb up, and it's not what I expected?  What if it's worse? 

If I stay, though, I know I will be destroyed eventually.  Even if the battle ends, what will remain? And with any war, when one battle ends, another begins.  

I have to decide.

Even though there are no guarantees, do I choose sunshine, to feel heat, to see leaves and trees and blue skies, or do I stay with what I know - safe and uncomfortable in the unsafe, uncomfortable but predictable circumstances? 

Even if I am shot dead when I get to the top, what's the difference? Staying where I am is just prolonging the agony.  I will eventually die here too.  

If you're not really living, aren't you already dead?  

I have a hand on the ladder.  I feel the coarseness of the twine.  I run my palm along the smooth, wooden step.  Two swift movements - another hand and a foot on the step - and I am on my way.  

All I need to do is decide to move.