When Dreams Must Die

 I haven't been able to take a bath in almost a year.  No, there is nothing wrong with me.  The problem was our water.  Our filtration system had been sputtering and finally gave up.  This left us the problem of stinky (that nasty sulfur fart smell), brownish (rust), hard (yes, the softener quit too) water.  There was no enticement to take a bath.  

A week ago, we had the entire system and softener replaced.  After a stressful week and a day of yard work, I decided it was time to take an inaugural dip in the tub.  

I expected a warm soak; what I got was a flood.

As the water ran, I gathered up the tools of relaxation: bubbles, phone with speaker, and incense. As the water ran, I lit the incense while the water foamed.  I found the Meditation station on Pandora and lowered myself into the tub.  

The first song to play was "Canon in D." For most people, this is recognizable as a processional at weddings.  As cliche as it maybe, I, too, had hoped that my daughter would enter the church to this song.  

Without going into detail (mostly because I'm not ready to talk about it), this has been a year of dashed dreams. I've had to learn that some dreams have to die, even if you don't want them to, and while grieving over them is natural and expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult.  The old dreams are supposed to be replaced by new, but I'm still in the grieving process.  

And so, I rolled to my side, allowed the dreams to tumble and dissipate, and started to cry. 

"Canon in D" was followed by "Expression" by Helen Jane Long and then by "Arwen's Vigil" by The Piano Guys, and then by "Life and Death " by Paul Cardell.  It was a tough set. 

The driving rhythms of *"Expression" reflect my desperate pursuit of "normal." Just keep moving, ride the emotions, but keep moving. "Arwen's Vigil" is the tender underside of the emotions - that which has never seen the light of day. No one knows and will never know.  These are mine alone - vulnerable, secret, and thick with pain. Originally, "Life and Death" first debuted on the popular TV series, Lost. Indeed, the song fit the show - so much loss.  What once was is never to be again.  The gravity of that reality is sometimes more than one can bear.  There is a tenderness in the melody, as memories are bittersweet. There is a reminder of the past joy mingled with present grief.  

My tears mingled with the water all around me.  Each song, all of it. So true. So pure. So real.  So hard. 

So where does it end? I don't know. It's not done yet, and I don't see an end game in the distance.  

I know that at some point, there will be an end. 

It is said that water symbolizes purification. Baptism is a cleansing, a rebirth. That said, in my mind's eye, I am sitting on a rock on one side of a quiet stream. The day is warm, there is a breeze. I am alone but comfortable. I am not afraid.  

Across the stream, He is there.  He approaches the edge.  There is only feet between us.  He smiles first then extends His hand.  My smile reflects His. I feel inexpressible joy as I stand and reach my hand to His. 

No, I'm not dying.  But there are parts of me that are.  I know that it will be over when I'm ready to let it go. When I finally surrender my fears, sadness, regret, guilt, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, and control, it will be over, and more importantly, it will begin.  

*I included the links to the songs in case you wanted to hear them too. 

Social Media Reject

“Americans put in 25% more hours [at work]than Europeans, take fewer vacation days and are retiring later,” states Dan Buettner in The Blue Zones of Happiness. That’s because “we get to keep a greater % of wages in comparison to Europeans who are heavily taxed.”

For example, the Danes are taxed anywhere from 42% (starting) to 68% for top earners. Thus, Danes are encouraged “to choose jobs that give them a greater chance of experiencing flow. With taxes claiming a big portion of their wages and ambition being frowned upon in their culture, there’s no personal advantage for them to seek higher paychecks or impressive titles.”

Ok, but we live and work in America. We aren’t going to tilt the culture on its side anytime soon, so what do we do to increase satisfaction and happiness in the workplace? Here are Buettner’s guidelines to workplace happiness:

1. Make a best friend at work. Have at least one meaningful relationship that transcends work and becomes a true friendship.

2. Seek a job that fits you (engages your natural talents, values and passions). Follow your heart vs. the paycheck. Work with people you like. Work in a place that gives you constant, meaningful feedback.

3. Consider your work hours. Take a vacation every year. Take up to six weeks to maximize work happiness.

4. Avoid long commutes - no more than 30 minutes.

5. Set goals (quarterly and annual; personal and work). Write them down. Monitor and track. Get an accountability partner.

In my world, sixty percent is passing. Anything below that is failure. That said, I am at 60%, barely passing. Of course, this is just one person's viewpoint, but this dude has done a lot of world research on this topic.

So, that leaves me to ponder. . .

I used to like teaching. In fact, I loved teaching. I used to pour my very heart and soul into it, working long hours because yes, I felt as though I had to, but also because I enjoyed the work (minus the grading). Teaching used to be fun. In addition to the curriculum work we did in class, there was also playfulness. I feel as though we laughed more; I laughed more. We had less meetings, more spontaneity, more creativity and latitude in coursework/assessment, and I felt honored, respected, and appreciated.

In the 29 years I have been at this (and yes, I realize I give that time marker quite often; it's mostly to remind ME of how much of my life has been spent in one endeavor), so much has changed. There is still fun in the classroom; it just looks way different. We still laugh, but kids are SO sensitive and anxiety-ridden that it can be very fun-sucking and certainly causes anxiety for me as a teacher (Did I say something offensive? When I touched the person's shoulder, do I need to worry? Will they sue me?). Other than that, it's all different. There is NO fun AT ALL with the staff. People don't participate in the fun stuff - they don't show up for celebrations, they don't want to hang out, they don't want to foster friendships. We are just silos that operate independently in a our rooms and go home. Likewise, there is no appreciation or respect for the staff. Sure, there is lip-service (we appreciate YOU; now, take this donut), but true appreciation and respect is measurable each day, not just special days on the calendar. The non-stop meetings, directives, deadlines. . .ridiculous decisions that are made FOR teachers without teacher input? All of those tell the true story of how teachers are regarded.

In considering all that, one should not be surprised to hear me say that teaching is no fun anymore, and I really don't like it anymore. That said, do the kids deserve better? I don't think the kids are suffering at all. They still get the best of me. Does the district deserve better? They already have/had the best of me, and they didn't/don't appreciate it. I have been their dish rag long enough - they have wrung every drop out of me. It's time for me to find a new sink - one of MY choosing.

I need to keep writing stuff like this to fortify me in my resolve. The more I remind myself, the less likely I am to drop back and retreat.

Heart Plans

 "A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9

If you read the commentary on this verse, the usual interpretations are what I would consider somewhat negative.  You can decide in your head what you want to have happen, but if it doesn't align with what God wants, it ain't happenin.' This is true. However, it neglects to point out that God wants the best for us.  Likewise, He gave us free will and a mind, which He definitely wants us to use.  

That said, this morning when I read it, I saw something different - something encouraging.  Your heart has a desire and knows what it wants, but God is in charge of how you get there and how long it takes. Of course, our desires have to align with God, His purpose, His plans and His glory.  But, He also celebrates our uniqueness.  He is the Creator, inspiration of creativity, and He enjoys seeing us flex our creative muscles, imagining what we want. He knows our deepest desires - the secret aches that no human knows because we have never said anything to anyone about them. I believe these are the "heart plans" in the verse.  When those heart plans align with His Will, I can almost hear the click of the ignitor as a fire within is lit.  

This is particularly encouraging to me.  I have some definite heart desires, many of which I do not vocalize.  If I speak them, I subject myself to ridicule, or even worse, the possibility that those desires will never be realized.  After all, if I don't talk about it, then I don't have to worry about being humiliated if they never happen.  But I also have no accountability for them.  

God knows, though.  He does hold me accountable for them.  He places opportunities in my path, and it is up to me to take those opportunities.  It is up to me to be brave and take a step toward those desires. Sadly, there are many times when I am not paying attention, or I have allowed myself to get distracted by things that don't matter.  Or, I allow the voice of the enemy to drown out the still, small whisper.  God believes in me, especially when I don't believe in myself.  He sends others to deliver that message and encourage me to move.  This is how He determines my steps.  

The fun part is that His steps are almost always a surprise.  Not a surprise, as in SURPRISE! But they are surprise in the fact that He works the plan in unexpected and unorthodox ways.  There have been many times when I have sat back in wonder, a smile on my face, as I have considered the creative, truly perfect way in which He has set the situation up for complete success.  Can I give you an example right now?  Of course not.  That's how it usually goes.  However, I can tell you that it has happened, and that's what makes me continue to believe that He will honor my heart desires in HIS time and in HIS own way.  

As a person, made in His image, I believe He not only instilled within me, the ability to create marvelous, extravagant dreams and goals.  I also believe He waits with anticipation to see what I want.  It's like a mother seeing her daughter dance on a stage for the first time, a father watching his son open the Christmas present he so desperately wanted.  He wants to give us only good things.  He wants to see us smile. He wants to enjoy His creation, enjoying creation.  For this is what brings glory to the Creator. 

"A person's heart plans the way, but the Lord determines His steps." Proverbs 16:9