The Countdown Begins. . .Points to Consider as You Ponder Which Herd to Join - the Elephants or the Donkeys

As I perusing one of my Facebook friend's posts, I noted, yet again, a somewhat volatile discussion regarding politics. I am not a highly political person, nor do I seek out conflict, so I generally steer clear with regard to commenting on such posts.  Neverthe less, I started thinking about the whole issue, and here are five questions that are worthwhile to consider.

Is politics really a deal-breaker when it comes to friendship?  Throughout the political season, I have witnessed several FB friends threaten to "unfriend" people because of a particular political opinion or sway. Therefore, if one can answer "yes," to the aforementioned question, then it would follow that you weren't really friends in the first place. I have a couple friends who are on the opposite end of the political spectrum from me. Generally, we agree to disagree, and if we can't do that, we avoid the topic altogether; politics, in its very nature, is rhetoric, and it is certainly not worth me losing a friend over.

Is politics an appropriate Facebook discussion? Several Facebook users try to abide by the "no politics/no religion" policy. While I admire their goal of a Little House on the Prairie sort of Facebook environment, I am not entirely sure I trust them. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be a part of a contentious, depressing battleground, but I do think the whole point of a social networking site is to network socially, which means be who you are. If religion and spirituality are a big part of who you are, then your posts will probably reflect that. If politics is important to you, then your posts will probably reflect that passion. What's wrong with that? The problem is not with the post-er; it seems the focus should swing to the post-ee and why s/he so vociferously avoids or gets so upset about either topic. To my way of thinking, if the topic (politics, religion, or whatever) opens a forum in which respectful discussion can take place, then why not discuss it? Discussion often leads to debate (which, for some, leads to hives). In order to debate intelligently, one needs to know his/her facts, which leads to inquiry. From what I see, it's a win-win situation for everybody involved.

Which political party is to blame for America's current status - Republicans or Democrats?  This is definitely a "fun" issue that has been debated ad nausem this year. In my observation, this has been a very heated which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg argument, from which no clear conclusion has been drawn. (1) The end result has been elementary playground logic (Well, my candidate is better than yours, so nyeh!) and contentious wordplay, which has lead the discussion/debate away from the real issue to be debated. To explain, the "who" is to blame does not matter as much as the "why" the country is the way it is. The real question is which candidate will promote bi-partisan decision-making and who will be better at uniting both parties to resolve the issues at hand? (2)

Which candidate will provide strong leadership and wisdom should another intense foreign situation arise (and I believe there will be another one soon)? The whole Libyan crisis has been polarized toward the end of the campaign season. While it is good that the issue is being discussed, it is sickening because the tragedy is being exploited in the name of campaign politics. Again, the motivation behind the attacks should be of utmost importance and consideration with regard to our nation's future and security. The smoke and mirrors of campaigning has caused us to lose focus, which could be a deadly miscalculation. There has been discussion in the news of the US making a treaty with the Taliban. While it sounds great (I am all for peace!), it does not sound realistic.  In considering the caustic history of the relationship, negotiation and compromise seem to be a Pollyanna-esque pipe dream. What happens when the lines of communication break down?  Whom do you believe would be the best choice/candidate to represent the US in such a situation?

Finally, what are America's biggest issues right now? If you had to narrow it down to three, what would you choose? In my opinion, out-of-control overspending (3), out-of-control entitlement programs, and a general laxity of morals and values are destroying our country. Once YOU decide what our country's greatest needs and issues are, it is your privilege to choose the candidate whom you feel will best address these issues. Naturally, that means you have to get educated about the candidates. Don't rely on political information from your dad, your pastor, your hair stylist, etc; the information will have the informant's bias. Find out for yourself. With the privilege to vote comes the responsibility to be an informed voter.

Just my two cents, tho. . .

Personally, I believe that in order to answer this question, one has to leave the epochs of the 80s and 90s to examine carefully the err of our country's ways in the 30s and 40s.  End sidebar.

(2) In my opinion, neither candidate appears to be very bi-partisan. Unfortunately, I think this will be a loss for the American people as party divisiveness will continue to impede progress.

(3) Our national debt is a serious issue that, for whatever reason, people seem to be largely ignoring. Have you seen the national debt clock? Do you know how much we are in the hole to China? According to financial analysts, the infra-structure of the U.S. economy is on track to meet with its demise at the end of this year. Are people just going to poo-poo this and write it off as another Y2k/Mayan calendar situation?

God has the memory of a dog

God has the memory of a dog. I suppose that sounds sacrilegious at first glance, but I do have a point in saying it, and it's a flattering point.

Dogs have the unique ability to forget in the blink of an eye. There's a joke that goes something like, if you put your dog and your wife in the trunk and leave them there for a while, which one will be happy to see you when you open the trunk?  The truth is dogs don't hold grudges, and they certainly keep no record of wrongs. I can attest to that with my dog, Juno. Even if I yell at her the morning for some infraction with regard to her behavior, she will be jumping up and down with joy to see me by the end of the day when I return.

God is has a similar mentality (is it a coincidence and dog and God are anagrams?). Even when we mess up on an epic scale, he is jumping up and down when we admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness.  He keeps no record of wrongs, so why is it that we humans can't keep life simple like our dogs do?

Forgiveness is a God-directed mandate.  For Christians, there is no other alternative than forgive and love.  But let's face it; the whole "forgive and forget" mentality is hardly a successful philosophy. It sounds good and is a palatable epithet in Christian circles, but the practice and philosophy do not generally go hand-in-hand. The vast majority of us will claim to forgive, and may even be sincere about it, but forget?  Not a chance.

While God may have the memory of a dog, we humans have the memories of elephants; we never forget. We may be earnest in our intention to be the "better" person and may even forgive. .repeatedly, but we tend to suck on our hurt as we do a lozenge for a sore throat. Here's another simile for you; like the stink of last night's supper, the offense lingers in our minds and worse, in our hearts, planting the seeds of bitterness in the fertile, broken soil of our hearts. There are enough metaphors on the subject to illustrate the situation, but I think you get the point. As humans, we don't like to let it go. The question is why?

There is a significant quote that definitely explains the situation:  "They may not remember what you said, but they will never forget the way you made them feel." As humans, memory and emotion are irrevocably intertwined. One of our most basic needs is belonging, and when we are rejected (through embarrassment, bullying, exclusion, etc), an emotional trench of hurt is carved into our minds and hearts within seconds. Filling this trench seems like an insurmountable task, and it can takes years or a lifetime to do.

There are people in my life who have hurt me so deeply that their mere presence is enough to conjure an extreme emotional reaction.  For example, twenty-five years ago, my high school principal hurt me deeply and embarrassed me.  Even now, I cannot exchange a glance with the man without feeling the initial flare of anger.  It's been twenty-five years.  I do not think about what happened anymore, and it has definitely not destroyed my life in any way; however, the emotion connected to the person is still just as strong.

Even though I am ashamed to admit it, there are people with whom I go to church who conjure the same strong emotions. Without getting into details, I was betrayed by several people whom I trusted, including my pastor, and forgiveness has been a bitter pill for me to swallow. The hypocrisy, both my own and those who offended me, has been paralyzingly difficult to bypass. Although the incident is definitely no longer on my mind, proximity has made the healing process next to impossible for me.  Seeing them each Sunday is like ripping the scab off the wound each week; it never seems to heal.  Although I have forgiven the act, the emotional reaction I have to these people does not allow me to forget.  I have listened to Joyce Meyers repeatedly admonish me to not be a victim to my emotions, but I have yet to be successful.

And then to compound matters, the quote, "They may not remember what you said, but they will never forget the way you made them feel," has convicted me in another way.

For the past twenty years, I have been a high school teacher, and this is a quote that alternately inspires and haunts me.  I wish I would have heard it twenty years ago when I started teaching, but then, again, would I actually have attended to it?  Twenty years ago, I was a 22 year old newb who was trying to establish a presence and credibility in my classroom. In my quest to do so, I was more concerned about commanding the respect of both students and colleagues. In so doing, I know that I alienated, embarrassed, and discouraged students along the way.

One example that comes to mind is a young woman (who is now a friend on Facebook) who was in my speech class. At one point, I had written "Good attempt" on a speech evaluation I did for her. The intention behind the comment was to be encouraging, but she was offended and deeply hurt by it, as I later found out. As you can tell, I still feel badly about making her feel bad about herself, and this incident occurred well over ten years ago. And this is one incident in which the student let me know that I had hurt her. How many other students have I discouraged that I don't even know about? With that in min, the quote now inspires me to really think about what I say, how I say it, and when I say it.

So, how do we, as humans, become more like dogs than elephants when it comes to memory.  Like everything else in our lives, it is a choice. It is our daily cross. It is my daily cross. Tracing back to the Garden of Eden, we humans live our lives according to choice and consequence. It is my choice to get sucked into the toxic emotional toilet that keeps me from true forgiveness, or it is my choice to focus on forgiveness first and to love, as I am commanded to do. God doesn't leave any wiggle room when it comes to  this issue; it is either one way (His way) or the other (destruction).

Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner. When we returned, I was dismayed to see that Juno, our pug-rat, had practically scratched a hole into our recently-purchased leather couch. Of course, Juno was scolded, banished to the floor, and had to sleep in her kennel. Her tail was down, and her sad brown eyes illustrated her remorse. This morning, she raced out of her kennel and licked my face as though she hadn't seen me in  years.  Even now, she is snuggled up next to my thigh as I write this.  Whatever happened yesterday is completely forgotten, and she loves me every bit as much as she ever did. She lives for my affection and a kind word.  Sound like anyone else you know? Indeed, God has the memory of a dog, and we would be wise to follow suit.

What it means to be human

  My cousin, Lisa, and I were born three months apart. I was born in June; she was born in September. Therefore, we were friends from birth. Our childhoods were a tangle of family gatherings, shenanigans, and laughter.  We promised that we would be in each other's weddings, and we were. We married within a year of each other, and alternated babies.

 

When Lisa was about 11, she developed Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes, and her race to the finish began. Diabetes was a lifelong struggle for Lisa.  She wanted desperately to be like everyone else, and so, she wasn't always careful with her food intake, numbers, and insulin. Eventually, the consequences of such choices catches up to a person.  And so, it was for my cousin, Lisa.

 

As often happens once children enter people's lives, Lisa and I drifted apart. Each of us sacrificed our social lives in order to pour 100% of our energy into raising our kids. It's not that we had severed our relationship; through a mutual, unspoken understanding, we put our friendship on hold with the understanding that once our kids had grown and gone, we would sit in our rocking chairs, remembering days gone by and complaining about our waning youth.

 

Beginning in her 37th year, Lisa's health began to decline. She was in and out of the hospital so frequently that she wouldn't even inform close family and friends anymore because she was embarrassed. 

 

Fast forward to December of 2011.  Lisa was doing some Christmas shopping when she "blew" her knee out while at the mall.  The immediate thought was to have knee replacement surgery so that she could be mobile again.  Unfortunately, the tissue damage due to diabetes meant that a knee replacement would be futile. Since there was no circulation, the new knee would float unattached and would never heal.  Thus, Lisa's decision boiled down to two options: sit in a wheelchair for the rest of her life or amputate and get a prosthetic leg.

 

Lisa struggled with both options. She prayed earnestly for healing. She argued, pled, and cried to God.  She discussed the situation with her family. She discussed it with me. Finally, in May, after much consideration, she decided to amputate with the goal of walking at her daughter, Jenni's, graduation in May 2013. 

 

On May 10, Lisa had the surgery. It went well. Her numbers were wonky, but that is typical for diabetics post-surgery as it is trauma to the body. On May 12, she called me to tell me she felt great and couldn't wait to come home. On May 15, she was scheduled to come home.

 

At 6 am on May 15, nurses discovered her unresponsive, dead, in her hospital bed.

 

I have never wept and mourned over someone's death as I have Lisa's. She was 41. She left behind a husband and four daughters, ages 19, 17, 15, and 10. On a personal note, I feel as though I have lost a sister, a twin almost. 

On the one hand, I celebrate her new joy. I know that she is in heaven with her Heavenly Father, experiencing her eternal reward.  She is now completely free of illness, disease, and pain. I couldn't be happier for her.

 

On the other hand, I miss her with an intensity that surprises even me. Little things catch me off guard.  For example, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I was waiting at the deli, and a young lady was standing across from me. She was taste-testing some deli salads. As she turned, I noticed an insulin pump on her hip, and I inexplicably burst into tears. 

 

My stoic German instincts tell me I should "buck up" and move on. The time for mourning is over, which is true.  I don't consider my tears to be mourning. The memory and the ensuing tears are much more than that; they are acts of love.

 

For each memory that floods my mind, for each reminder that draws her into my presence, for each time I see her face in my mind, I am grateful. Each of these are acts of love that we share that keep her very much alive even though she is rejoicing with her Savior. I am so thankful to Christ, the creator of all emotions. While they may wreak havoc at times, they are necessary to in order for us to fulfill God's most important command: to love.

Is it ever ok to walk away from toxic family members?

  As a kid, I used to look forward to over-nighters at my aunt and uncle's house.  They would spoil us with all the things we didn't get our house, such as Cap'n Crunch and Dentyne gum. My aunt would buy hair accessories for me. . ."just because." In sum, I spent many wonderful days on the farm with them as well as my grandma. Likewise, holidays were filled with laughter, good food, and boisterous games.

 

Now, thirty-five years later, no one in that family can stand to be in the same room together.  It's hard to nail the problem down to just one source; however, suffice it to say that greed and entitlement (who gets the family farm?) have splintered and broken a once-close family. 

 

As devastating as the break-up is, it is equally devastating that both sides claim to be lovers and followers of Christ. . .liberally sprinkling any civil conversations that occur with words such as "forgiveness" and "love." Even so, there doesn't seem to be much of either at the moment. Is anyone to blame? Yes. . .everyone.

 

Clearly, I get most of my information from what side, but it's true that my mom has been acquiescent - has negotiated my uncle's demands and has tried to be civil throughout the process.  However, the effort does not seem to be reciprocated, so now what?

 

Joel Osteen, in his book, Daily Readings from Your Best Life Now: 90 Devotions for Living at Your Full Potential, discusses the concept of walking away from people who seem to be toxic who seem to be detracting one from his/her God-given destiny.  He refers to it as the "gift of goodbye." Osteen says, "All of us, at times, will have people who leave our lives for one reason or another. It may be something you weren’t expecting. You may not understand it. But if you’ve done your part to walk in love and forgiveness, if you know in your heart you’ve done your best and the person walks away, that’s when you have to trust that God knows who needs to be in your life."

 

So here's the question:  Is it Ok for a Christian to say goodbye to toxic family members?

 

A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding this issue. First, how does one define the word, "family"? Does family consist of those with whom a blood connection exists?  Does family consist of those with whom we share the same household?  Does family consist of those people around whom we surround yourself - those who love and support us?  Can close friends be deemed "family"? 

 

Based on my belief, Christ specifically placed on this earth for this time and place. . .and with a certain group of people.  Our placement in our earthly families (mom, dad, etc) are not a mistake, nor is it coincidence.  Therefore, it seems we are meant to live and maintain a relationship with these people for a reason.  It seems God chose to put them into our lives and vice versa because they are an integral part in developing us into the person whom He has predestined us to be. Even so, God warns about the dangers of family in Micah 7.

 

But when circumstances change. . .when people change. . .when sin corrupts those relationships. . .when those relationships threaten our God-directed course. . .when those relationships are just plain toxic, is it within Biblical bounds to walk away?