Christian Perfectionism

The “3 ams” have returned.  Once upon a time, I used to sleep the sleep of the comatose.  In fact, I used to joke that a tsunami could pass through our yard, and I would sleep right through it.  Those days are long gone, and although I haven’t had a solid night’s sleep for as long as I can remember, the “3 ams” have resurrected with a vengeance.

Three a.m. is my personal “witching” hour.  No matter what time I go to bed, there is a persistent, inner alarm that prods me out of a deep, peaceful slumber into a worry-filled, anxiety-ridden state.  Likewise, all of the garbage that I stew about often seems insurmountable and insoluble at 3 am, but when I wake in the morning and consider those seem issues, they seem paltry and ridiculous.

As if that isn’t bad enough, I now have been waking up angry. It seems as though every repressed thought has been bubbling to the surface at that terrible hour of the morning – things the kids have said or done to anger or disappoint me, work frets, and most recently, my husband’s impending unemployment.  

Typically when I have experienced a “3 am,” I pray my way through it.  I talk to God about whatever is on my mind, and I slowly drift back to a peaceful sleep.  Lately, I am ashamed to say that in the midst of the “3 ams,” I have been ornery and disrespectful in my prayers, wondering why we have been elected to be the Lemony Snicket family, weathering a series of unfortunate events.   In the morning, I feel shame and regret for showing God attitude and for allowing fear to get in the way of faith. I feel as though I am the walking embodiment of Romans 7:15-20:

“I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” During the day, I am fine, but at night, Dr. Jekyll replaces the Mr. Hyde, and that frustrates me. Does that mean that, deep down, my faith is truly weak?

“It is a snare to imagine that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do; God’s purpose is to make us one with Himself. . .If you go off on this idea of personal holiness, the dead-set of your life will not be for God, but for what you call the manifestation of God in your life” (Oswald Chambers).

Although I knew it to be true before, weakness is required in order to showcase God’s strength and omnipotence.  “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) My frustration over my weakness stems from the fact that I have decided that there is some invisible, spiritual yardstick that God requires me to live by.  My perfectionistic nature arrogantly persists that God requires the same sort of perfectionism that applies in the earthly realm, but that’s not the case.

“The thing that tells for God is not your relevant consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your real, vital relation to Jesus Christ, and your abandonment to Him whether you are well or ill. Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life” (Chambers).

While the “3 ams” themselves frustrate me (Why am I fretting and worrying?), the good news is that my first impulse is to chat with Him about it.  While I am frustrated with life right now and wonder when it will all turn around, I am comforted by the fact that God has a plan and has everything under control. “If it was God’s Will to bruise His own Son, why should He not bruise you?” (Chambers) While my attitude at 3 am frustrates me, God loves me enough to convict my heart and show me the error of my thinking.

 

“God is not after perfecting me to be a specimen in His show-room; He is getting me to the place where He can use me” (Chambers). Thus, my goal is to be perfect in Christ, not perfect.

Apparently, when it comes to schooling my character, 3 am seems to be the best time for class to be in session. Even though I am not a fan of the time frame or the lessons, for that matter, I trust the teacher and know that where He is taking me is far better than where I have been.